Our first Relate appointment is tomorrow, I'm really nervous!

[cheerfulvicky]

I've posted on other threads a bit about this but I thought I'd better start my own...

I'm feeling really apprehensive as me and my DP are going to Relate for the first time tomorrow evening. He's been to relate before (for a few months, with a previous partner and then alone) but I've never been to a counsellor at all let alone something like this and I'm pretty scared. When he and I argue we just go round in circles, and he often approaches things in a way I find upsetting and angry but I can't always put my finger on what he does that's so distressing. It's more his attitude of anger and point scoring.
I was hoping having someone in the room to see it all would help, but I suppose I'm starting to doubt if it will really help as it sounds like they just encourage you to work things out for yourself, and I"m not sure we can. I don't know what to tell the counsellor, there is SO MUCH and I'm scared I'll just waffle on and she'll nod and ask me how it all makes me feel. There are a lot of obvious problems in the relationship, like a complete lack of sex which I'm really unhappy about (it's him who's not interested). But there are also loads of little subtle mind games going on, passive aggressive behaviour from him and awful daily power struggles. I'm worried they might miss all that and just send us to a sex therapist, or say he is depressed and that's the only reason we are having problems. He has anger issue and... argghh; You get the idea. It's all just a mess in my head, like a kind of sad soup, and I can't unravel it quickly or be that articulate and concise about it all. Some of what he used to do could be classed as emotional/psychological abuse, but he's really shaped up since I said I wanted to go to Relate and is being all nice, buying me flowers etc. And he's clamed to have a 'breakthrough' about our different attitudes to money and has recently stopped making me feel guilty if I leave a light on or the door open.

I suppose I'm scared he will sweet talk the counsellor and I won't know how to explain what he is really like towards me at home. Writing a list of stuff he does seems mean, and a lot of it is all so petty. But it all adds up to a tense, unpleasant home environment.

Not sure if there's much anyone can do, I just needed to vent really. Thanks if you got this far

There is no upper earnings limit as far as I know- counsellors tend not to work like that.

I have many friends and colleagues who are counsellors- they tend to charge around £45 anhour but will offer cheaper rates if they can to some people. Cheaper might mean £30-ish.

You don't HAVE to go to Relate- if you look at the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy website, you can find a counsellor in your area, who works with couples- and ask what they would charge you.

Haven't got the exact website but it is something like www.bacp.co.uk

Me again we got back and it went really well. We'll go each week at the same time, with the same woman. I'm pleased about that as I felt comfortable and relaxed with her, and I think DP did too.

I mentioned the words passive aggressive at one point, and her eyes immediately showed understanding - I didn't need to say anything else about it (we didn't have a lot of time, with so much crap to cover; or as she put it, 'there's so much going on' ) I felt like she really listened to me, without taking sides. When we left I thanked her and she smiled and winked at me. Of course she could have some sort of facial tic, but it felt like she was saying don't worry, I understand.

Anyway, I feel a lot happier for having gone. We are paying £35 a week which was as low as she could go without consulting Relate first. It's a bit eye wateringly expensive for us but I feel it will be worth it. She did say that if we were available in the daytime they do slightly cheaper sessions, though she doesn't work in the day.

I expect I'll be back here to vent at some point, but right now I feel really positive. Mainly because I know that whatever the outcome with our relationship, I now feel supported and understood. There wasn't much of that at home, so it's lovely to feel that someone... ah feck it - it's like that scene in fight club at the support groups, where people really, really listen to you, instead of just waiting for their turn to speak.

pippi, my dp and i went to relate and it was expensive, about 50 quid, and neither of us was keen on the woman that took the session (he less than me, as she pointed out a lot of his faults). We eventually found someone completely separate from Relate, who actually has a background in addictions, but also does couples. He has been very good, and cheaper, although still about £40.
I would stress that it's really important for you both to be prepared to hear stuff about yourself you're not going to like, and to be prepared to change. However good our therapist is, I can't pretend it's make our relationship better, if anything it has made me more aware of how impossible it is, but it HAS helped to stop the day to day bickering cycle that we were stuck in, which is better for our ds to be around.
but underneath it all we're both pretty depressed about the simple fact that we don't actually get on ... i am going to go to counselling on my own to try and work out if it's actually me being difficult and over reacting to everything, as my partner would say, rather than him being narcisstic and passive agressive (as our counsellor suggested! we didn't go back after that for a while, obviously!)

anyway, good luck if you take the plunge, it really is worth it.

Yay I'm really glad you are feeling positive! Well done both of you.

I always found that occasionally when sessions were not so good we could bond over how awful the therapist was.