Advice needed

[inadaze]

Was hoping i'd hear from others who may have been in a similar situation or anyone who can give me some advice.
To cut a long story short here is what happened this morning:
DH who had woken up in a good mood and was nice to be around turned after a phone call with someone, kept going on about the persons manners etc.. etc.. I asked him to stop going on and that he can't expect people to be the way he wants them to be and accept them as they are. He then asked me stop going on and went up to shower.
I'm now dealing with small children, nappy changes, breakfast etc.. and trying to get us all out by 11. DH opens bathroom door and shouts for me to do something 'not now' i reply 'busy with the kids, it will wait', he then swears, knowing full well that the 2 year old takes great delight in copying this language and that the older ones are old enough to understand. He then went on muttering away about me and it really set me off. Now, i know how my DH is and often have to walk on eggshells around him but got sick of it as you do when trying to get 3 out of 4 ready and the youngest is not even weaned yet. I stupidly (and i say stupidly because had i have been quiet and let it go none of this would have happened) I went upstairs and said 'there was no need to swear, pls stop doing it in front of the kids, the little one is picking it up etc..' he replies with 'well, you could have just said okay, you didn't need to say you were busy..just to say okay would have sufficed'!!
I then went on to say that again, you can't expect people to say and do what you would like them to do and accept as they are and that there was still no need to swear in front of the kids...he did not like this and started going on and on, shouting at me, bringing things up, being really horrible. (He does this in arguments, so that i never have a chance to voice an opinion and he 'wins' as it were by me ending in tears or having to walk away).
I got really frustrated, some of the things said really hurt as they do and in my anger i threw a plastic bottle into the bath, did not come near him and wasn't meant to either, i just picked it up and threw it in sheer frustration/anger at not being heard. I then slammed bathroom door behind me in tears. He jumped out of the shower, grabbed me by the neck and was hanging me over the stairs... the DC were all okay and in playroom, the baby asleep in room. He said 'i had to to do that to frighten you so that you'd calm down' I went downstairs then to see to my DC and start more play.
He came down then, told him we wouldn't be going with him for lunch with our friends, he continued to say horrible things so i told him to get out and not to bother coming home and that he had to stop his behaviour (is not the first time, happens once every 5-6 months - he will always change, is under so much pressure, i am the cause - i answer back, make things difficult etc..) he then shouted who did i think i was telling him to get out and punched me (on the leg while on floor) and kicked me - and yes, my DC did witness it and they ran over to cuddle me. I hate thim for this. I grew up in a household where i was hit, pushed around and felt worthless and watched my parents fight for years, did not want this for my kids and i am dying inside. My kids range from baby to 4.
I don't know what to do. I have always made excuses for him, he is a good dad, treats us all the time, takes us on holidays and gives me a break from the DC when he can, i also know that i am not the easiest of ppl to live with but i do my best, he doesn't have to do anything tbh.
Just giving both sides of the coin as its easy to be the victim iyswim. I've grown up with it and guess i just become numb and used to it.
I got a text (he went out) which said i won't come home i'm ashamed of what i've done and i'm sorry.
I don't feel anything at all.
I feel better for writing it down, i never speak to anyone about these things. I am going to take my kids out for a nice lunch and have an afternoon of games with mummy.
Feel like shit and won't to curl up into a ball in bed, mothers just can't do that can they... thank you if you've read this. Sorry.

get out
do not stay any longer, its not any way to be living. your kids have just witnessed physical violence, its no way for little kids to be growing up

I don't have the advice and experience that others on here have but what your H did was so very wrong and in no way your fault. xxx

I agree with harleyd. Sorry you're going through this.

poor you, no advice but didnt want to miss saying I hope it works out. Hugs

COntact Women's Aid. They will advise you. But he needs to be out of your house and not allowed back in: he's violent, therefore he can be thrown out of the house whoever's name it is, because violent men forfeit the right to live in the family home.
You poor thing. It's horrible, but once he's gone, things will get better.

I know that people on here usually recommend calling the Women's Aid helpline to get help.

x-posted.

Whatever happens, you need to go for counselling or psychotherapy- see your GP to arrange it if you cannot afford it provately.

You are in danger of repeating a cycle of violence that you experienced as a child- men often choose partners like their fathers.

You need to learn how to assert yourself and have self-worth without feeling guilty- and you need to be able to choose men who are not going to bully you and mis treat you.

This man has problems; he needs help withhis own anger management.

Please see your dr, or go to Relate, or talk to your health visitor, or all of these.

I am so sorry that has happened to you. You do not deserve to be treated like that ever. Please get help and someone to talk to. He is abusing you. Your child saw it and you dont want to him/her to live through what you have gone through. Look in the phone book for phone lines that can help you. You can phone the police - the domestic violence unit - I know that is a big step. Have you got a good GP or health visitor - they can refer you for help. Do not let him back until/ unless he is participating in a programme to help overcome his violence. You deserve so much better - you are not alone some many people have gone through what is happening to you - You will come throught the other side - you need to take the first step. You sound like a lovely person and a good mother. Lots and lots of hugs xxx

men often choose partners like their fathers.

should be women! sorry.

He is patently NOT a good Dad - I often think that women in such situations write such a comment because they can think of nothing positive to write themselves about
their man.

As for grabbing you by the neck and hanging you over the stairs "to frighten you so that you'd came down" I can only write . There is NO justification at all for this action no matter how much he dresses it up.

You are NOT the cause for all this and never have been; he needs to deal with his problems in a different way. Stop making excuses for him. He has not given you the same courtesy has he by blaming you all the time.

The fact that you also grew up seeing violence within the home both to your Mum as well as your own self is also extremely worrying. It seems that a pattern that you saw and learnt in your own childhood is being repeated here.

Do speak to Womens Aid - they should be there today. If you cannot bring yourself to talk to someone in your real life then talk to them. They are helpful and will not judge.

Texting you is no communication at all; he can't even be asked to talk to you properly.
That says an awful lot about him as well.

I would urge you to talk to Womens Aid today for your sake as well as that of your children. Such violence does escalate, you can be safe and you all deserve to be safe. A house should be a sanctuary; not a place of fear.

You need to leave or not have him back in. Call womens aid. You can not continue to live with him.

If he has been violent as well then anger management is not going to help. That can actually justify their actions in their own minds.

He's not a good dad. He's an abusive dad if he hits and thretens his wife in front of the kids. That's emotional abuse.

Please don't leave your house - make him leave, if he doesn't respect that, go to the police and as people have said Women's Aid.

Im so sorry you have been put through this.

agree atilla about the justification in their own minds - my counsellor said ' he gave himself permission to do that to you' especially if they dont do it with anyone else
I am sorry, I totally understand what you are going through, how you want it to change etc, but you MUST get out of the relationship so your children dont witness any more of this abuse.
He feels ashamed - this is classic. As if they might change. But he wont unless he gets some proper help. Maybe chucking him out will be a wake up call and get him to go to a proper DV counsellor himself for help?
Call womens aid, the police. Do you have a friend/ family to support you?

Was this today, inadaze?

Would you ring the police to report it? Then call 0808 2000 247 - it's been posted on here a couple of times already but they know all the ins and outs of the law and can give you thorough advice if you want it.

May I just say that now he's done this - will he drop you next time? Make physical contact (as a punch)?

Who knows - he's crossed the line from anger and verbal abuse to physical. What line is next?

I truly don't think you can take the risk to find out.

My ex used to be verbally and emotionally abusive to me, then one night he punched me.... I left that night - I couldn't take it any more and couldn't take the risk of what would be next.

It's not easy at all, but for the health and sake of you and your children, I feel it needs thinking seriously about

We are here to support you too - feel free to confide on here if you can

Take care x

call womens aid or the police for adviceNOW
I would say get to a friends house today if you can
do not be alone with him now.if he thinks you may chuck him outorinvolve the police, things could get really nasty ashe will be exposed.

inadaze you know what the answer is, you know that you cannot stay in this relationship, you cannot subject your children to that sort of behaviour, for them to think it is in any way normal or for them to grow up being scared of their Dad and worrying about you, they are children, it is your responsibility to look after them.

The reason i mention the children and not you is because he's probably got it so that you are actually sitting there thinking that actually it is all you fault or at least partly, had you not said anything it wouldnt have happened (as you already say in your post) you probably dont have very much self confidence and are probably scared about what to do and even how to go about it. He will be relying on that as to why you wont go anywhere. The fact is if you were to use yourself as the reason to go you probably wont, your reason to go is the children, and that is why you have to.

You dont have to go legging it out of the house this instant, you can quietly accept in yourself that it is over and his behaviour will never change, you can then quietly start putting the things in place you need to to make your leaving easier on you and the children. Speak with your local council, how are you for money? Is Child benefit paid into your account? Think and plan. Dont throw it in his face, dont antagonise him, let the bastard wallow and suffer when you have gone somewhere safe.

I hope you are okay today, i'll pop back to see how you are getting on.

T

sorry, meant to write thanks for replies. I have been playing with DC, made them something nice for lunch as freezing here to go out and the little ones wanted to nap.

cant tell anyone friends are his friends too, most of them would love the gossip and only pretend to be concerned. my really good friends have too many probs of own right now. i grewup in a house where everything 'stays in these walls'..cant get rid of it.

i know he will come back and cry and bring a million things with him..i love him but i cant go on like this...god my mother would love this! Told you so....you'll never be good at anything...

I am so confused and hurt right now cant even think straight. Thank you for supprt

this thread has made my blood run cold

next time he will seriously hurt this lady, or one of the kids

inadaze, if you make plans, please don't tell him or throw them in his face in any further argument

I fear for your (and your kids) safety

report this and other incidents to the police. Now. Today.

if you have bruises from his violence, see your gp tomorrow and get them documented

ring Womens Aid, they will advise you

don't let him back in, if you have male friends/family, get somebody to stay with you

if you have been too ashamed to tell friends/family, get on the phone right now

don't enter into any more discussions with him, he will cry and wheedle and you will forgive him

cross posted, you say it is not possible to tell friends/family

then you are playing into his hands

he has isolated you (or you are isolating yourself) from any support

get out of this mindset "it is me and the kids against the world"

you need help

he will hurt you badly one day, if not this time then the next

fuck your stupid pride, get help