Advice needed

[inadaze]

Was hoping i'd hear from others who may have been in a similar situation or anyone who can give me some advice.
To cut a long story short here is what happened this morning:
DH who had woken up in a good mood and was nice to be around turned after a phone call with someone, kept going on about the persons manners etc.. etc.. I asked him to stop going on and that he can't expect people to be the way he wants them to be and accept them as they are. He then asked me stop going on and went up to shower.
I'm now dealing with small children, nappy changes, breakfast etc.. and trying to get us all out by 11. DH opens bathroom door and shouts for me to do something 'not now' i reply 'busy with the kids, it will wait', he then swears, knowing full well that the 2 year old takes great delight in copying this language and that the older ones are old enough to understand. He then went on muttering away about me and it really set me off. Now, i know how my DH is and often have to walk on eggshells around him but got sick of it as you do when trying to get 3 out of 4 ready and the youngest is not even weaned yet. I stupidly (and i say stupidly because had i have been quiet and let it go none of this would have happened) I went upstairs and said 'there was no need to swear, pls stop doing it in front of the kids, the little one is picking it up etc..' he replies with 'well, you could have just said okay, you didn't need to say you were busy..just to say okay would have sufficed'!!
I then went on to say that again, you can't expect people to say and do what you would like them to do and accept as they are and that there was still no need to swear in front of the kids...he did not like this and started going on and on, shouting at me, bringing things up, being really horrible. (He does this in arguments, so that i never have a chance to voice an opinion and he 'wins' as it were by me ending in tears or having to walk away).
I got really frustrated, some of the things said really hurt as they do and in my anger i threw a plastic bottle into the bath, did not come near him and wasn't meant to either, i just picked it up and threw it in sheer frustration/anger at not being heard. I then slammed bathroom door behind me in tears. He jumped out of the shower, grabbed me by the neck and was hanging me over the stairs... the DC were all okay and in playroom, the baby asleep in room. He said 'i had to to do that to frighten you so that you'd calm down' I went downstairs then to see to my DC and start more play.
He came down then, told him we wouldn't be going with him for lunch with our friends, he continued to say horrible things so i told him to get out and not to bother coming home and that he had to stop his behaviour (is not the first time, happens once every 5-6 months - he will always change, is under so much pressure, i am the cause - i answer back, make things difficult etc..) he then shouted who did i think i was telling him to get out and punched me (on the leg while on floor) and kicked me - and yes, my DC did witness it and they ran over to cuddle me. I hate thim for this. I grew up in a household where i was hit, pushed around and felt worthless and watched my parents fight for years, did not want this for my kids and i am dying inside. My kids range from baby to 4.
I don't know what to do. I have always made excuses for him, he is a good dad, treats us all the time, takes us on holidays and gives me a break from the DC when he can, i also know that i am not the easiest of ppl to live with but i do my best, he doesn't have to do anything tbh.
Just giving both sides of the coin as its easy to be the victim iyswim. I've grown up with it and guess i just become numb and used to it.
I got a text (he went out) which said i won't come home i'm ashamed of what i've done and i'm sorry.
I don't feel anything at all.
I feel better for writing it down, i never speak to anyone about these things. I am going to take my kids out for a nice lunch and have an afternoon of games with mummy.
Feel like shit and won't to curl up into a ball in bed, mothers just can't do that can they... thank you if you've read this. Sorry.

can I also add that feeling shame about puttin up with it is very common.
but telling people DOES burst that bubble. And you do need to do that
do you have a friend you can confide it?
make plans for getting him out if you cant just stop him coming bcak, but pleasedo SOMETHING. Dont make the mistake of thinking it wont happen again, because it will

agree with any
If you find it too much to think of whole future,just think of today and tomorrow,
get out or get people to you
phone womens aid and police
if he comes back and you are unprepared,do not antagonise him or tell him you have sought help as could turn nasty,just keep peace
BUT PLEASE GET HELP
even at very leastget telephone help from womens aid then if something escalates they have your details
if you want,put tel no on mn in case of emergency

Oh for Gods sake, please go to the police and phone womans aid. What he did was terribly wrong and he should not be allowed near you or your kids.

You need to act now inadaze..If you let this behaviour unchallenged the violence will only escalate.It doesn't mean you have to end your marriage but you do need to draw a line.

If you don't want to get police involved and you can't change the locks because your both names are on morgage/tenancy agreement then leave yourself (at least for some time).

You need to show him that you won't tolerate this type of behaviour any more.

Then demand of him that he goes on a domestic violence perpetrators programme and you both go to relationship counselling. And you will also need an individual therapy for yourself to help you to learn hoe to break a cycle.

Take care

You need to take heed of what is being written to you.

If you stay and put up with his rubbish your children will go through the same as you did in your own childhood. They will see verbal and physical violence no matter how much you try and hide it from them. Its no legacy for you to leave them and your parents themselves left you a damaging legacy. You cannot let a third generation be affected because you are now their mother. You learnt that "everything stays within these walls" - what an awful lesson to have learnt. And how damaging was that?. Both your Mother and father failed you miserably during your childhood. (BTW are your parents still together?).

Am sure as well that you can and should tell someone about this - even if it is none of your real life friends. Womens Aid are good and they can help you.

You can overcome this but taking that first step to a new life and a more empowered you is often the hardest.

Two women a week in the UK die at the hands of their partner or ex; that is a sobering thought and one you need to consider too.

inadaze how are you?

inadase - how far will you go to protect him?
I used to say to myself that I protected my ex because of the children, but living with abuse was not the answer. Allowing them to see it and hear his excuses has soured my relationship with them, maybe forever (they are grown up now)
I'm sorry you need to listen to people here and maybe read the thread about passive agressive abuse before you get exactly what you are willing to accept - and then some!
The only way to help him is to let him (and everyone else in your life) know loud and clear that he has crossed the line.
It may be the end of your relationship either way but the only possible way to change things for the better is to let him know this is very serious!

Kormaisfor ... has given really good advice. Also photocopy all above and bank statements etc and give them to a friend or hide. Keep your mobile with you at all times. Give your good friend a code word which she knows to ring the police immediately as she cant physically be with you. I know this sounds extreme but violence can and does escalate. Dont keep it secret - thats what absusers bank on. Dont be ashamed this happens to women from every nation, class and age. You will find enough strength to get your life back. If you cant do for yourself - do it for your children - you owe it them - All my prayers and blessings

I understand what everyone is saying about leaving/making him leave/reporting it to the police but it is such a scarey thing to do and what if it really is a one off? Have I missed that he has done this before? I am not saying she should stay and be abused, I am just saying it is a big thing to do and inadaze might be too overwhelmed and scared to phone anyone.

yes the op said it has happened every 5to6 mos.
I think posters feel she should take some action such as ringing womens aid or telling someone close to her,to ensure her and her dcs safety in case of escalation of violence

I have never been a one shot and his out type of person. I have always figured that domestic violence needen't be the end of a relationship. I have a friend who came to blows with her partner, she called the police who removed him from the house, they were both physical and they both realised it was unacceptable. Thankfully they have moved on from it, both learnt from it and i pray to god it never happens again. I have often wondered how, when at my worse with PND i haven't driven my DP to violence, and i have always said if i pushed him to far, id forgive him.

BUT this is one of those situations where i think that this person has gone too far and for a seemingly trivial reason. I would be very scared of him, especially to do that in front of the children.

Inadaze, you made a comment that "your mum would love this" You might feel that, because your self esteem is so low right now - your partner hasn't helped this thats for sure. I can#t comment on your relationship with your mother but no mother would love for their child to be abused - you may well have an ally there.

I think you must get away from this man, but i think for the childrens sake, stay in the family home if you can - womens aid - phone them now. Don't feel you have to phone the police unless threatened, if he keeps his word and keeps away then if you don't want to go down that road just now then you don't have to. But you know you must if he comes back and doesnt agree to at least respect you enough to give you some space.

This has hopefully brought things to a head and could be a new start for you and your children.

inadaze, can i just say, you were very brave to make the first move to post on here - that must have taken a lot of guts to put this down on paper as it were. I think you need to read over what you posted and try to separate yourself from it - what would you advise that person to do?

We are all here for you to hold your hand while you make the next step. It doesn't have to be the end you know - i don't know if you still love this man, but he has some serious problems and he cannot be with you until he sorts them out. Sadly some people can't ever sort themselves out, but you owe it to your children to make sure they never ever have to witness their mummy being abused again, and that is not just with a fist or a foot.

The only chance you can give him to get better is to get it out in the open. Covering up and protecting him is colluding in the abuse, which is what I did and it hurt more people than just me!

I would like to clarify, when I said to call the police, I meant to get some documentation in case of future escalation, not necessarily for them to go right round and arrest him immediately

same with seeing the GP

That is a good point anyfucker, but i think that the OP is unlikely to want to go to the police (sadly). At least womens aid would be a start - some RL support so that she doesn't feel so scared? I hope the OP takes some strength from this thread and gets some real help.

point taken LEM

I too hope she finds the strength to change her situation, because I fear for her future safety

How are things ?

Inadaze, I imagine from the fact that you did a 'test post' before this thread, that you are a regular and a namechanger.

So you have seen probably hundreds of threads about physical violence towards a woman with children. And if you haven't posted on them, you have probably read them and thought 'she needs to do something'.

Now you are that woman. I would never normally suggest a separation (am a Christian), but severe domestic violence is an exception, and holding you over a bannister and kicking you in front of the children crosses about a hundred lines.

You need to take steps to protect yourself NOW. You can work out what to do to save your marriage and preserve the children's relationship with their father later. Right now you owe it to them and yourself to get help. If you can't go to friends, go to the police. They deal with this sort of thing every day .

Use your Mum's words for your good. Prove that she is wrong by being good at standing up to yourself, and for your kids. You are nobody's punchbag. Starting NOW.

yes changed name for obvious reason
DH not home yet, has rang me a million times, have not picked up switched off mobile, not answering home phone. He texts to say it was cold could he pls come home just now and i said no
i do love him very much but i have thought and thought hard and i am not giving in this time
thanks for the post about being overwhelmed, i am/was and now that i've put the kids to bed have some time think
i think separation is what we need i am also going to talk to his parents and let them kno the situation they will help me too

never spoke to anyone before because it always blew over and in came the flowers and lovely DH for a while and i would think to msyelf how glad iwas that i didnt tell anyone as it would have looked so bad for him....

god i'm naive!!
thanks for support, am going to try to sleep now before one of the DC wakes up with something or other

talk to Women's Aid and good friends that you know and trust. I'ld be wary of speaking to his parents - as they may be inclined to take his side rather than look to your emotional needs.

hi there inadaze,stay strong and let someone close to you know what has happened or womens aid~even just to tell them about it.
telling someone will make it real.
the danger with his family is either they might tell him unbeknown to you or dissuade you from doing what you need to do.
thinking of youxx

TC, maybe his parents know more than we might think

I don't think it can do any harm, lets face it, it couldn't be any worse could it

Good for you inadaze - it sounds like you have gotten angry and 'cold' and that is giving you the strength to not let him back with flowers and the 'tearful reunion' bit.

Telling his parents and going for a separation sounds like an excellant plan.

We will be here for you.

Your first post made me cry! Especially the little 'sorry' at the end.

Great to hear your news inadaze. You have done your family a big favour. I'm so happy for you all. You will maybe get the chance to see things come right because you have taken a stand when it was needed. I hope he's a better man for having the boundary made clear.