I wish he would leave?

[sahara]

Hi everybody. I've been with my dh for 8 years and apart from the first 6 months I have no good memory to hold on to.
He is horrible and I just wish he would leave me.
Over our years he has been abusive and a bully. I left him last year and resettled somewhere else with the help of a womens refuge. But I was eaten up with guilt so I let him see his kids.
Of course I eventually let him talk me round, promise he would change blah,blah,blah.
And alright he hasn't hit me in 10 months. But he still hurts me in little ways. calls me names, makes fun of my depression.
I know I won't get better inside until he is gone so why won't he leave.
I tell him to go, I tell him I hate him. he then tells me that I'm depressed and I need him beacuse of our 3 kids.
I don't want to run again, I've been running my whole life and I just want to have peace. I don't even care that I am alone, at least I would wake up without him there making me feel like s**t.
He has gone now, left about 30 mins ago. I told him to never come back but I know he will.
How do I make myself stronger? How do I resolve this without having to turn to the police and have it all go ugly?
I'm not scared of what he will do but I am scared of the way he can call me names solidly for an hour. It hurts, he knows how to hurt me in my mind, he knows how to make me want to die.
I know I sound stupid and probably alot of you will think that I should have just left him when he first hit me but I was brought up to believe that a man did have a right to hit me for displeasing them. My mum and my dad practised on me.
I remember turning to my dad once and telling him, He said to me that if my dh loved me he wouldn't hit me, and sadly I replied, then u musn't have loved me for you beat me my whole life. He has never spoken to me since.
Sorry I'm just rambling on now trying to keep my mind of what I know the next few days will be like.

sahara you poor darling. The refuge will absolutely welcome you with open arms.

Get rid of this monster now .

Don't waste aother second of your preciouslife and that of your babies .

Good luck, Sahara! Your oasis awaits you...

in the short term it will be hard but your freedom awaits.

good luck xxx

Sahara.......we are all urging you on!!
XXXXX

Sahara, so sorry to hear about your situation. I was in a similar position once. Have a look at the women's aid website , lots of info there.

Stay strong, keep calm and keep your keys twisted in the doors for tonight.
That way he cant gain entry and any nuicence that he may cause to you or the other neighbours will attract enough attention for people to complain to the police and not only that, he will get the message for tonight at least that you are not backing down, and then plan your way forward from tonight to the next day and make sure that you dont let him in,even if he says he's sorry or he loves you. Its another lie to conceed his way back to you.

Do you have friends or family who can help you or at least take the kids for a few days until you get sorted.
Plan a life of happiness and keep going until you get there.

If you feel you are strong enough make a clean break and move away you have done before only this time dont give in and you will reep the benefits.

Rickman was in a similar situation (she has a thread going at the mo) I think she left with 3 kids when pg with 4th. It was tough but she did it.
Maybe her story could give you some more strength and resolve???

Message withdrawn

I know I'm ok for tonight. He has a pattern that he follows and he will stay away tonight so I'm good for now.
He will be back tomorrow afternoon or evening depending on the mood.
Afternoon if he wants to make me cry and evening if he is feeling sorry.
Whichever way I won't cave in. I just won't.
I really do mean it!!

do you want a clean break and to move away or do you want to stay where you are.

Sometimes I do get depressed and it is at those times that I don't bother. i just let him carry on.
I would love to just go away for a while. Not forever but enough for me to recover.
I'm due to be rehoused soon as this accomodation is temporary. I had already made up my mind that I wouldn't give him the address. But tbh I feel slightly positive at sorting this out now. I always get happy when I think he is gone for good. I start to make long term plans as he allows me none.
Wish me luck.
I'm gonna do this.
No need to be scared right?

Butty. I really want to stay where I am, in this location. My son is being statemented and possibly sent to a special needs school. I need to remain where I am for now.
All the proffesionals involved with me tell me to stay put, to not even try to push my permanant housing forward as it will stop everything to do with my son. I know as experienced this the last time I left.
This is my home though. And our last place was a joint tenancy, thats why I left last time, but I won't give up another home again. I've already lost so much because of him.
I won't let him chase me away now that I'm somwhere I want to be.
at him

I know about the statmenting process as i am in at the moment with my son and he is also due to start at a special school in the area for 2 year olds and onwards. It is a lenghy process and i really do sympathise with you.
I know life can be a bitch and i have suffered, also apart from the fact that my partner genuinly is improving which doesnt help your situation nor mine as i would still prefer to be strong enough on my own and one day i will be!!!!!!!!! He is showing the effort to start again as friends with common ground and although he lives with me, i am now able to go out and enjoy life and know that i am now in charge and this is the difference, but it seems apparant that your ex is incapable of resolve and you would be much better on your own.
Change your locks and have a restriction put on him for the time being, also talk to your carers panel for advise with respite and help with the kids. There is a great scheme called home start in my area and they come on a weekly basis to help with the housework and the kids and they come in handy for a natter. They have been in your situation and would give you there advise and a great ear to listen.
I hope you will stay strong and find an ammicable solution to your problems and if your ex cant do that then maybe your kids should decide when they are old enough whether they want to see him but for now total cut off would be the one way ticket for now for both you and your kids.

Thats the way Sahara, keep going! you have me crying too! You can do it, it will take time and there will be days you will feel stronger than ever and then days when you curl up and cry but you will get there and in a few years time you will look back on this as an achievment and beleive me you will have happy kids. Goodnight and think positive. Go and kiss your kids good night and whisper how much you love them. And tell yourself how much a good strong mother you are!

Thank you everyone.
I do feel so much better having had all your replies. I know you don't know me as well as you all know each other but I appreciate the time taken to help me.
Good night. (which it will be for me)

Butty I have just been referred to home start, I have had their help before. The very first time I left him over 6 years ago. I like them very much and I look forward to getting some support.
As I said I was too ashamed to say anything as I chose to let him back in. But you know what, it is time I accepted that I can't do this on my own and that it's better to be honest so that I can get the right help.
I'm so ashamed of my choices I even lied in my first councillors appointment and said I wasn't with him. How can they help me if I'm not honest?

shit sahara ive only just seen this are you ok hun are the kids ok?

where does he live btw? does he live alone or with his family?

Hi Nikcola.
Everybodys fine, the kids were asleep and it wasn't a big deal. It's been worse.
He just called me a few things and stormed out. Alot easier to handle when it's not so bad.
He has his own place, The place I had to give up when I left him last time.
He stays here most of the time though.
But like I said not anymore.
Anyway thanks everyone. ds2 is awake and wants to go toilet so thats me for the night.
lol

glad everyone is fine take care hunny speak soon {{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}

oh how i know the feeling.....
when my dh and i were together at first it was the same.....call me names, and push me, roll grocery cart buggies into me, everything but punch, even spit on me......now that i am writing it i don't know how i manage this long....needless to say i posted a note about one of his lil quirks just a while ago....
your right,,,independent,,,,i used to be!!!feeling of self worth,,,,,just happy to be alive....

withi mine though no one would believe me....he comes across as a real quiet man, respectable...la la la.....

you have to know inside that it is enough...and until that day comes you'll keep putting up with all the bull.....don't it make you feel desperate...i know it makes me feel that way

Haven thanks for you post. No one believes me either. Only in the end when he started to harrass my family did my family finally believe me.
As for his family and friends they think it's all me, that I must cause bother somehow.
I get shouted at if the cleaning is not done b4 he wakes up, but then I also get shouted at on another day for cleaning while he was asleep as the hoover woke him up. He is a lazy bum who sleeps until 2 pm regularly. But you know what I feel positive today.
I had a goods nights sleep and I'm awake, the kids can play to their hearts content without fear of making noise and getting me into trouble.
So I'm still feeling strong.
And I am looking forward to being free of him no matter the cost.
lol

I don't know you but I wish you love and luck and to stay strong for your children and for yourself!

Glad you are still feeling positve, its very easy to sleep on it and get up next day and think why bother with it all and go back to things the way they were. We are all rooting for you.

that your friends would say I told you so and that your father stopped speaking to you for simply admitting the truth to him. You need some better friends. As for your father, well I guess that's what you would expect from a chronic child-abuser.

Saying 'I've made my bed and I must lie on it' is a way of enabling your dh to continue his behaviour. One day when you believe you are entitled to better you will insist on being treated properly and will not put up with this for one minute longer.

Please, please, believe you deserve better and that you are entitled to the same love and respect as anyone else. I know it's hard after a lifetime of being told you don't deserve anything and hearing his explanations as to why he 'needs to correct you' - you have been brainwashed with this talk. He has brainwashed himself at the same time. Of course he truly believes he is right. How could he live with himself otherwise?

You do deserve better. Insist on having it.

So far so good, nice peaceful day so far. No phone call or anythimg.
I am ready for later. I'm definately telling him it's over.