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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I want to leave him. I don't love him anymore

27 replies

blondemum · 31/12/2008 20:55

I have been maried for 6 years. We have a gorgeous DD. She is two.
The thing is when I told him I was pregnant his first words were "oh so I am going to take 2nd fiddle now am i?"
Through out the pregnancy he never took interest. Hated me beiung sick it made him angry. Went for one scan, I had 4. When I was 30 weeks preggers I had chest pains. LAbour ward wanted to send ambulance, but I said hubby will drive. Instead he went to work anfd I drove. I almost had a C section, but I was OK. Mum took me home, told him what happened just shrugged. When DD was born didn't get flowers, and he didn't want me to come home.
He never took an interest no elation at the birth. Got home left to it. Eventually diagnosed with PND when DS 4 months. Felt alone and very emotional.
Once on medication i perked up, felt strong and realised what a shit he had been.
Went back to work on shifts and he hates them. I don't work nights. I get to spend either all morning or all afternoon and evening with DD. I am lucky enough to watch her grow up. Plus my rest days can fall in the week and spend them with DD. My nursery only charges for attendance when I am on shift which saves me a fortune. Most nurseries insist on block booking. He doesn't understand how much money my shifts are saving on our outgoings. He doesn't contribute to anything. (only now pays gas and elec). I pay mortgage, 800, nursery fees 500. telephone and sky for DD. he pays approx 150 quid.
I left him in April and went to live with Mum. She really helped out. Went back in June he promised to change his ways. Little things like allowing me to have a lie in once in a while. Give me a lump sum each month. I forgot to mention he smokes dope. He refused to give it up until I left. However i know he is back on it. He drinks like a fish as well. I do not get money. when I ask Iwe end up rowing.
I have lost total respect for him and I know I don't love him. Xmas day we went to friends around the corner. I left at 8pm with DD he said he would finish his drink and follow. Came home at 2am. Obviously didn't want to spend xmas with his family.
I can't bare him being intimate with me. He is obsessed with his willy like most men. Every morning he is sroking it is under the covers. Even when DD in the room. I tell him to stop when DD in room but gets angry and huffy. WE have a frequent sex life but only to stop him moaning at me if I knock him back he gets huffy and storms out of bed. He wants me to have sex with him wearning a strap on but i shudder at the thought.
Help.
The thing is,I love all of his family dearly. We are very close and I know it will all change if we split.
He desparately loves me I can tell. Always tells me he loves me, and is now a great dad. So how the hell do you tell them you want a divorce? Is the grass really greener?

OP posts:
kittywise · 31/12/2008 20:59

it's no good him saying that he loves you is it? . Words are cheap.
He needs to behave in a way that shows this.

TBH it sounds as if you've made up your mind and quite frankly I think you've made the right choice.

Good luck

MadameOvary · 31/12/2008 21:03

blondemum - your last sentence contradicts everything you say, that's the first thing that strikes me. The second is - PLEASE dont stay with him just because you love his family, it is NOT a good enough reason. I have been there, sadly!
He sounds emotionally immature and not worthy of you and your lovely DD.
The grass is not greener, really, it never is. But if you leave him and establish the blissful feeling of independence from what frankly sounds like a human leech, you will after a period of time feel like you can breathe again, and you will wonder why you wasted so much time on him.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 31/12/2008 21:03

Am very surprised that you think he loves you. To me it sounds like he loves the life he has with you seeing as you are paying for nearly everything and putting up with sex whenever he wants it! I reckon he keeps saying he loves you to keep things sweet and stop you leaving, personally.

"if I knock him back he gets huffy and storms out of bed" This is not the action of a man who loves his wife. You must want to cry when you have sex with him, I know I would. I can't believe your comment about his willy! And very very wierd that he doesn't think it's inappropriate to do it when your DD is in the room. VERY wierd.

He sounds like a complete bastard, to be honest. There's no way I'd stay with him either. I've never had to tell someone I want a divorce, but imagine it would be easy to tell someone like your husband. It's just the aftermath that would imagine would be quite difficult. He probably won't be able to believe you are standing up to him.

MadameOvary · 31/12/2008 21:05

Sorry, I meant that this contradicted everything you said previously:

"He desparately loves me I can tell. Always tells me he loves me, and is now a great dad".

blondemum · 31/12/2008 21:13

god you are all sooo right. and MO it does contradict. How can he love me. Words are easy. Actions mean more. I just cannot understand a man who would not want to support his family. He works as a joiner, so last year he had a spell of about two months of no work. I suggested registering with an agency. At the time firms were crying out for tradesmen. He didn't want to work for anyone else. I tell you what I would sweep the streets for DD. It's a job. Who cares who you work for!
I tell him that his drinking concerns me as I am worried about his health. He says what do I expect if he can't smoke pot! AHHH!!!

OP posts:
spiderbabymum · 31/12/2008 21:13

Gosh thats a bit of an eyeopener for me .....you see I thought I had problems with my bloke ...But it aint nothin compared to what you got sister .

Honestly ...he sounds awful ...immature , selfish .

And did i understand correctly . You are the main bread winner too???

Clearly you are at the point where things are coming to a head ,. Somethings gotta change .

The FIRST thing I would start with is your sex life . ... Doesnt it strike you as ....inappropriate that you are just having sex to stop him moaning .?

Did you think about seeing a counsellor ....just for you I meant .

Good luck

blondemum · 31/12/2008 21:15

When I left him in April, he said he would go to see a counsellor as a way of trying to patch things up. Afterwards he stompt out and said i never want to do that again. I think counselling for me would be good. I get it free in work which is brill.
xxx

OP posts:
MadameOvary · 31/12/2008 21:23

Oh I know his type - will say anything to keep the peace, tell you what you want to hear, and then disppoints you time and time again.
The drinking/pot comments are the classic sign of a lazy arse who does not want to take responsibility for his choices in life and prefers to blame you for everything, and then makes you feel guilty for expressing your dissatisfaction.
Its possible that your PND left you with some dented self-esteem, but now your eyes are open, just keep thinking about how good your life would be without him, not how bad!

kittywise · 31/12/2008 21:23

You say he is a 'great dad'.
Can you list what makes him so? I ask because I find it hard to believe given what you have said about him.

Does he have any positive attributes?

CurlyhairedAssassin · 31/12/2008 21:24

What a petulant twat! To stomp out after a counselling session like that! Probably because his shitty behaviour was being spelt out to him. Bet he was like a silly teenage yob having a telling off from the head teacher.....doesn't like someone telling him he's in the wrong.....

MadameOvary · 31/12/2008 21:25

disappoints

spiderbabymum · 31/12/2008 21:27

And ...... His drug problem too ....now replaced by an alcohol problem .

Both of these are very very difficult to fix . The only way out is If HE wants to change ...and he doesnt seem to have any insight at present .

Do you remember that photo of Nicloe Kidman.....fists clenched and in the air ...sihging and shouting with relief ......AFTER she and TOM split up .

Thats the feeling I think MO is referring to....... and it could be yours too .

How is he a good dad btw . ?

Are you very young . Is that why you are having difficulty seeing the wood from the trees here . sorry but his behaviour is terrible and so INCONSIDERATE of any feelings of yours .

HATS off to you though . You sound like your a brill mum . Your dd will be very proud of you some day . (esp with all this work you are puttting in )

WhatANight · 31/12/2008 21:29

Message withdrawn

bethoo · 31/12/2008 21:31

the grass is not always greener beleive me i made that fatal mistake!
but after what you have said the grass was not that green to start with!
leave him and move on and his family will not desert you.

spiderbabymum · 31/12/2008 21:34

Agree with bethoo .

If his family are ALL that .....they will still be there for you

WhatANight · 31/12/2008 21:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MadameOvary · 31/12/2008 21:39

Bang on Spider, it IS a great feeling!
My ex was a nightmare esp when it came to drugs - his family had a lovely tradition of the "menfolk" all having a line of cocaine together on Xmas Day.
I left him on New Years Day I could not face the thought of starting another year so desperately unhappy.
Now, evey Christmas I get this rush of delight because I'm free of that toxic bunch.

Lovesdogsandcats · 31/12/2008 21:40

He sounds awful to live with.

his family willstill be there for you if you leave him - if they aren't, they aren't what you thought they were.

I can imagine the strength and freedom i would feel after leaving a man like this.

You have done it once, second time will be easier and you have your mum.

Good luck.

apollo11 · 31/12/2008 21:43

LEAVE HIM NOW!!!!

my god, i cant believe you went back. you are in a complete nightmare situation. you have a child to consider. it is not good for you or your child to be with this guy. he sounds like a complete cretin.

YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. you do not deserve this life of crap, anxiety, walking on eggshells, being taken for granted, being emotionally controlled and abused. he may love you, but i am afraid, my dear, that love is not enough. THERE MUST BE RESPECT.
AND HE DOES NOT RESPECT YOU. NOT ONE IOTA.

and i can testify, that the grass IS greener on the other side. i left my first husband and it was the best thing i ever did. although here i am giving you all this advice, and we were together for 12 years, and i left him and went back too! so i do really understand its not easy and you're not sure.

dont worry about his family, they dont have to live with him! i really liked my ex in laws too, but i was lucky and they were ok with me (a couple of his siblings were already divorced so i think that helped).

how do you tell him you want a divorce?...
tell him on the phone, like i did!!!

fuck him, in time you'll realise that he doesnt deserve anything better.

Heated · 31/12/2008 21:43

You already know that you can stand on your own two feet without him and that your life is going to be full of possibilities without him dragging you down.

I would also say he doesn't esteem, respect or love you - but neither do you esteem, respect or love him. Time for a fresh start.

bethoo · 31/12/2008 21:44

if you no longer love someone why drag it out?

MadameOvary · 31/12/2008 21:48

Also if you get counselling that will be added support.
Keep posting - we're all rooting for you!

blondemum · 31/12/2008 22:01

i feel like superwoman after all the support. you are all truley fab!!
I am just about to clock off at work, So happy new year!! xxx

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 31/12/2008 22:05

Blondemum, I get the feeling that you won't actually need that much support - you sound very, very strong to me. You know you can live a better life without him.

A very happy new year to you! Fresh start and all that - onwards and upwards!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 01/01/2009 14:16

blondemum, your dp sounds mentally ill or at the very least the pot-smoking has induced some kinda obsession with sex

some of your description of him sounds very inappropriate (the deliberate fondling of himself when dd is present)

what is he contributing, other than being another mouth to feed and for you to open your legs when he feels frisky?

ditch him

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