I'm back again to talk about my crappy marriage (long. Im sorry)

[idontlikecricket]

Have posted before, been on sickofthisrain's last post.

Briefly DH and I separated last year, got back together. he wants to separate again.

It's v.similar to sotr's post where she says he feels there is something missing in their relationship.

Today we've been chatting more about our relationship and I know my DH wanted to separate, but we were going to get Dec out of the way and see where we were.

Anyway today we've been talking and he says that he's gone past the thinking he can work on our relationship, he hasn't got it in him anymore because he is so damaged by what has happened. He thinks separating is the only way forward.

I don't really know what has happened, he never told me 100% of how he was feeling, used to just get moody and withdrawn and not hug me or show any affection.

He has done whatever he has wanted within the last 3 years, I've been in with DD, he's done hobbies, courses, been out with mates etc etc.

In the past year I've been diagnosed with an health problem which could be quite serious for me, he was never there. He could take time off work for his social pursuits, but if I wanted him to come to the consultant with me, he wouldn't. He's even said he didnt want to because of the way he felt.

I told him today that if it wasn't for me being at home with DD, he wouldn't have been able to do any of the stuff he wanted to do. He is not even grateful. I told him he never even asked me if I mind staying most weeknights plus a whole Saturday whilst he's off furthering himself. His attitude is not even a thank you, I appreciate it, but more of "if you wanted to do something, just tell me".

I'm so hurt by his attitude - I feel like I've served myself on a plate, tried extra hard to be there for him, talk to him about all his hobbies. And this is what I get.

I don't just want to walk away. But I feel so hurt and afraid of what this will all bring.

He says he doesn't hate me, didn't hate being married, is still attracted to me, but hasn't got the energy to make the effort anymore. He said he doesn't feel about me like he should/used to.

He said he wants more children (and so do I) but we are not in a position to do so at the moment. So I said what are you thinking of splitting up and then if you meet someone else you can have kids with them. He said no. It's so hurtful though.

I can safely say I have not been an awful wife, or a nightmare to be with - a human being perhaps, with faults, but not someone who is so detestable to live with.

Sorry. I'm so upset.

I do feel for you, you know I understand because of my own thread. It all sounds very familiar - I said today I'd like (one day) to do one of those sponsored bike rides abroad, he snapped at me to just get on and do it rather than moan about it (I wasn't moaning and have never mentioned it before.) I wonder how I'm actually supposed to do it, or to train for it when he never takes leave from work - who does he think would look after the dc's?

I think sometimes trying so hard is counter productive, I'm just starting to realise this myself.. I may as well have lain down and stamped welcome across my forehead recently. The more I give, the more he takes and then it all becomes expected. I think maybe you need to back right off and let him go if that's what he wants. And then see if he comes back once he realises life without you isn't that great.

And I'm so sorry to hear of your health problem too. It sounds like you need some proper support from your dh.

thx. I think you are right - I can't let him walk all over me anymore. im just here and available for him

arggghhh

easier said than done though isn't it? If it weren't for the dc's I'd have told him to sling his hook ages ago. He knows I'm vulnerable because of them and I hate that he's taking advantage of that.

Yep.

Its all the emotions involved as well. We've been together 10 years. Had a lot happened.

Can't see my future without him, but at moment we have no future anyway.

Exactly the same. Have just found this link through reading another thread. See if it rings any bells with you, I'd never heard of it but it makes a lot of sense now..

groups.msn.com/narcissisticpersonalitydisorder/isyourpartneranarcissist1.msnw

It really scared me how many of these threads i can relate to. I'm in no mans land at the moment with my DH who left us 3 months ago. When I ask about divorce he doesn't answer...in fact the only answer i can get out of him is that he 'can't love me like i want to'...what ever that means. he seems to have thrown himself into his (city-banking) job and now says he doesn't have the time to miss us either.

I'm so sorry for you SOTR and IDLC - its such a shitty situation to be in. I have no advice at all- but just wanted to post. I miss the person I married but not the one he is now.

should read 'he can't love me like I want him to' new keypad argh

I'm afraid I don't have any advice, but wanted to say to you all: none of you deserves to be treated like this. By any account, what you describe is wrong, unfair, and selfish. I know you're probably not saints yourselves (who is?), but your Hs are not partners in any sense. You all deserve more and better. I hope you get it.

You have to start making the descisions...take the controle out of their hands...
Start by looking at how you will/would cope single...is there anyone you could call on to help with the kids.
What is there out there to help with childcare...there are things to help single parents.
Make some descisions for and about yourself...what do you want?
And just because you may want things for yourself...unrelated to childcare...does not make you less of a mum.
Women can be so strong willed...and you can acheive many things...without a man about the house.
The funny thing is...the more independant you become...the more attractive you are.
If these men...are making you feel terrible about yourself...then do something about...YOUR DESCISION...NOT thiers.
Be strong and courageous.

israel that is so true. I've been getting on with it but tbh his silence does unnerve me as I still don't understand what has happened so can't make any sense of it. On the plus side- each day he is being a wanker I love him just that little bit less which does make it easier for me to get on with it.

The only way forward is to start work at once on the practical side of ending the relationship. Tell him to make arrangments for moving out. Stop cooking/cleaning for him. DOn't allow any more whining about 'I'm not sure if I love you or not me me me me me me,' if he starts, just say, there's nothing to discuss, this marriage is over.
Because it is horribly damaging to spend days or weeks or months waiting and hoping and trying to turn yourself in to Perfect Wifey for a man who either actively wants to hurt you or simply isn't interested in you as a romantic partner any more but can't be arsed to move out because he's still getting fed and serviced at home.

Dear abandonwifey...let him be silent...let him be moody...but dont let his behaviour taint your life...
You can be very strong...and you will come out of this...a very powerful women...because you will see...You can make it without him.
Please also....change your name...dont be a victim...make it...something like...getting on with life...or..getting on without hubbie...abandonwifey...sounds so fragile.
Good luck...and be strong..he doesnt deserve you.

solidgold speaks sense

ladies, take the control back

make your own lives, withdraw your love and support just like they have, these marriages are dead in the water unless they change, you cannot do any more

stop trying to get some sense out of the whining babies, you won't find any apart from self-indulgent moaning

a great term "off you fuck then" applies here and "don't come back until you have seen sense"

I agree with what everyone's saying. IME disengagement is empowering. Bring the focus back to yourself. What can you do to ensure your own wellbeing given the current situation? What bubbles of happiness exist for you outside of the relationship right now? The DCs? Friends? Yourself? Focus on the lovely things in yourself and your life that nothing he does or says can change. The support/appreciation etc. you're not getting from him... what is a more reliable source? What would you like him to be saying to you? Say it to yourself... and mean it!

You can't control his behaviour but you can control your responses to it. It's much easier said than done, but if you can start the process of detaching yourself from any desired outcome/response from him then you're on the way to his actions hurting you just a little bit less.

And I think you can do this and still be loving and compassionate towards him. Just explain that you can't give from an empty place. And encourage him to meet his own needs in whatever way he sees fit. If the relationship is to be healthy it will survive both of you looking to boost your individual happiness without expecting the other one to do it for you.

Hi All
I agree totally with what you are saying

I've started to think to myself exactly that - I Cant change him and I can't worry about the way he is acting towards me.

When I say to him it's his decision if he wants to leave - he gets really angry with me because he says he doesn't want to be made out as the one who has left his wife and kid!!! I think he is trying to be the dumpee!

I think duchess you are right. I need to just let him go on and do whatever he thinks will make him happy. And see what happens. But get on with my life. I'm only 28!

I know I cannot do any more. It's his problem not mine.

Abandonedwifey - my DH said to me also that he can't love me like I need him to. I guess it's a standard phrase to say I'm not doing what I should, I feel bad, but I cant be bothered to change....

you need to spell out the bleedin obvious,

that you will meet another man have sex with him and he will be your daughters stepdad.

i think sometimes they view the wife and kids as a burden - like we are on one sie and they are on the other work work, wrok, drain, drain, drain, they dream of a ball and chainf ree life.

and it sounds in this case, that the emotional torment has been going on for years - so he might actually be doing you a favour.

there was a point in my marriage whee i clearly remember saying " if you want to leave leave, but don't for one minute tell yourself it isn't your decision. it is. i am not throwing all the years of my life away, you are. its you thats doing it and dont mistake. you can fix things, but have to want to. you can work towards it by x,y,z. When my children ask me how this all happened, i am not saying i threw you out, i will tell them you left becuase you would rathr have false pride"

i really think you have to get your 'shit' together as a woman - that cryng clingy types are a put off - but you don't come across that way, you come across as someone who hasn't really been married for years.

Hi- I'm sorry you're having such a shitty time - & sometimes it feels really hard to just do anything at all - even though you know you should.

Some time ago, I subscribed to a couple of newsletters with a lot of free useful advice - one of the articles talks about saving your marriage even when the other partner isn't interested. Do read it - it might just help..

www.savemymarriagetoday.com/news/save-marriage-alone.php

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

Hugs

Also, do go to the savemymarriage home page & subscribe to the newsletter - you don't have to buy the book.

hi custardo and lazywoman and everyone else

Thanks for the advice

Custardo - I have said exactly that to him, that I don't want to quit the marriage and its not my fault but he doesn't like to hear that. He then gets all angry with me because I had said I wanted to separate. However after thinking, I told him I didn't think it was a good idea. But because his mum left him as a child he is paranoid about leaving his daughter and when I say about how hard it will be for me, raising DD on my own etc he gets defensive and says he will take her then! Totally unreasonable.

He doesn't want to be painted as the bad man. If I suggest working on it, he has said he has tried and it hasn't worked. But I dont think he realises that it takes a heck of a lot to get back to where we ever were. Three years or more of rot need a lot of treatment! He won't go to counselling because he doesn't want to as he feels its not worth it.

Lazywoman, funnily enough i do subscribe to that website but I will read that article. I find the counselling very helpful and I do try to change things from my point of view.

Today because I have been more withdrawn, he has been asking me what is wrong and keeps saying he thinks I'm going to tell him something. He also keeps harping on about my toy boy - he thinks I'm having an affair with someone on netmums??????!!!! Eh?????

lazywoman
just read that article and it's fantastic.

I'm going to get counselling to help me deal with all this rubbish.

And I'm going to go away to visit family to get away from the situation.There is nothing I can do to change him and I can't worry about what he will get up to (trust issues)

Thanks

Once you have made suggestions of separation and the reaction isn't favourable, I think you are on course for separating.

Things between you and him are not ideal but you and he are still talking. He is saying things like, not enough energy and doesn't want to change (sounds more like doesn't want to sacrifice something), then can you pessimistically or optimistically, but realistically see any hope in something positive happening?

I think it's fair to say that the answer is "no".

Get the problem solved and sorted.

Tell the bloke that separation is happening, he is leaving you and you are leaving him, you are both to blame and you are both wanting to "get out". Explain to the bloke that you both talked about it and each is to blame as the other, you are incompatible. Tell the bloke to tell that to his friends, so there is no misunderstandings.

While you are talking, you need to sort out who takes what and how the contact will work, who owes who what and when it will be paid. It's well worth you doing your own sums and thinking of what you want to propose. It's easier for him to consider something than think something up.

Try to get the separation agreed between you so you don't have to use lawyers. If you go for the full divorce, it will cost you £80 in a court and you don't need to use a solicitor.

Having the security of a court order does help, but it's not vital.

Avoid saying things like, looking after the child will be hard, it sounds like you want sympathy and are using the child to get his attention. If you think looking after the child is to hard, then let the child move to live with the father, otherwise bite your tong. You are stating the obvious.

My child wants to live with me (well he used to till ex influenced him or bribed him) and ex hangs on because she knows that my son would have more fun with me and learn more with me. She knows that after living with me that me might not be as keen to visit his mother as often as she wants (it's all about her and not the child). In addition, ex wants all the advantage of having a child (housing, tax credits, benefits and employers being expected to be flexible for parents......etc. Ex tells me how difficult my son is, but as soon as I offer to look after the child, she is on a war path.

If you make a decision, keep to it. See the problem through and play as honest and as fair as you possibly can.

If you do decide to separate, the child(ren) are likely to feel upset, so have answers ready for them, so they can understand that it's not their fault and they can still see their father.

For what it's worth, that's my take on things.

I can see what you are saying N1 and I think it's fear that's stopping me from doing anything.

Im just so scared about what the future holds, the thought of him with someone else, everything.

I got so despondent when this all kicked off again last month that I felt like I wasn't needed anymore, that he could have quite happily existed without me and if it was just him and our DD he'd be fine. I felt like ending it all and I don't want to feel like that again. I did realise it was stupid to feel like that and my DD is the most precious thing to me and of course, life goes on. But the feeling was awful. I know it's not going to get any better if I stick my head in the sand and I need to take control. So points taken.

Thinking about it. I guess I don't want to separate because I know we still have a really strong bond and love each other deep down.

Although my DP says he loves me but its changed and not the same as it used to be.

He says if we had talked 2 years ago (when I didn't have a clue what the issue was, although he was very grumpy and wouldn't talk) we might not be where we are now and could have sorted it.

That was a quick reply.

I just remembered that you mentioned a health problem and I should have made reference to that in my longer reply. That health problem might be a problem by nature that demands that you and the husband remain together, if it's a problem that requires you to be supported, if not for your own sake, then the child's....if that were the case, my "take on things" would be largely invalid.

Communication sounds to be your next step, if you are going to work on things and keep things together. Talking is just one way to communicate, there are several other ways to communicate.

Listening is a form of communication. In school, we are taught to read, write and speak, but not many people are taught to listen and I mean listen and understand.

If you think about it, to often people talk but no one listens, possibly till it's to late and then hindsight becomes a good teacher, though the "listen" lesson isn't often learned.

You might want to do some searching in yourself and in your relationship. Try to discover what "love" means to you and in the relationship. Love as a term or concept has different meanings to different people. If one person understands (even understands better) about what love and being close means to another person (in your case, the other person), then they are better placed to make better decisions, if the good and right meanings of love are felt.

The "love" answers should prepare you for the first step to making things better and easier for you and your family (i hope).

You might have a life time future together with your husband, so it's a good idea to make the preparations for the future as comfortable for you both as you can.

Best of good luck, it's the start of a new year, so another start to add to the list of "starts".