I'm back again to talk about my crappy marriage (long. Im sorry)

[idontlikecricket]

Have posted before, been on sickofthisrain's last post.

Briefly DH and I separated last year, got back together. he wants to separate again.

It's v.similar to sotr's post where she says he feels there is something missing in their relationship.

Today we've been chatting more about our relationship and I know my DH wanted to separate, but we were going to get Dec out of the way and see where we were.

Anyway today we've been talking and he says that he's gone past the thinking he can work on our relationship, he hasn't got it in him anymore because he is so damaged by what has happened. He thinks separating is the only way forward.

I don't really know what has happened, he never told me 100% of how he was feeling, used to just get moody and withdrawn and not hug me or show any affection.

He has done whatever he has wanted within the last 3 years, I've been in with DD, he's done hobbies, courses, been out with mates etc etc.

In the past year I've been diagnosed with an health problem which could be quite serious for me, he was never there. He could take time off work for his social pursuits, but if I wanted him to come to the consultant with me, he wouldn't. He's even said he didnt want to because of the way he felt.

I told him today that if it wasn't for me being at home with DD, he wouldn't have been able to do any of the stuff he wanted to do. He is not even grateful. I told him he never even asked me if I mind staying most weeknights plus a whole Saturday whilst he's off furthering himself. His attitude is not even a thank you, I appreciate it, but more of "if you wanted to do something, just tell me".

I'm so hurt by his attitude - I feel like I've served myself on a plate, tried extra hard to be there for him, talk to him about all his hobbies. And this is what I get.

I don't just want to walk away. But I feel so hurt and afraid of what this will all bring.

He says he doesn't hate me, didn't hate being married, is still attracted to me, but hasn't got the energy to make the effort anymore. He said he doesn't feel about me like he should/used to.

He said he wants more children (and so do I) but we are not in a position to do so at the moment. So I said what are you thinking of splitting up and then if you meet someone else you can have kids with them. He said no. It's so hurtful though.

I can safely say I have not been an awful wife, or a nightmare to be with - a human being perhaps, with faults, but not someone who is so detestable to live with.

Sorry. I'm so upset.

Ok so I am back
Just talked to my husband about our relationship etc.

Am I going mad or is this slightly insane? Since my husband is saying how terrible our marriage is, how he doesn't feel he can work on it, we are such different people, does he think we will be together if we didn't have kids etc, I told to him think about the repercussions of his actions - i.e me finding a new man, our DD getting a new stepdad. He told me to stop guilt tripping him and making everything so black and white.

I told him that I'm not - he's the one that's wanting to separate, not me. I'm not denying there's things we could have worked on, but I think marriage is about commitment and making it work and sorting out issues.

His response is that he doesn't want to work at something where ten years down the line he realises he is just as unhappy. I told him it doesn't need to be like that.

I'm confused as to where he is coming from re a separation. Does he mean separating with a view to sorting out problems and potentially making things work, or is he talking about permanent separation. His repsonse is that he doesn't think at the moment we can make anything work so he wants to separate (no commital there then).

He doesn't like it if I say that it's his choice to leave, not mine. He says "oh so it's all my fault then". If I say it is his choice to choose whether to stay and sort it out, counselling, working on it or to leave and face whatever the future may be, he doesn't like it because he says I am making it so black and white and trying to guilt trip him???? How can I be guilt tripping him by spelling out the obvious?

He's made me feel really confused and keeps telling me I am guilt tripping him. But I keep saying the guilt is his because it's his choice to walk away - we all have to make choices in life and deal with it.

I told him to grow up and face his responsibilities.

I am rapidly getting peed off by this childish viewpoint of his.He seems to think that I'm making things so easy and that I'll be happy as long as I've got my little family and "he can stuff his problems" (his words)?????

Am I going insane or is he being slightly unreasonable, I mean if you choose not to work at something and walk away, you can't tell your wife you are guilt tripping them?

Sorry I am just so tired of this bull.

goodness, thinking about it. because i have called him selfish, immature, unkind and words to the like before and I'm now being accused of guilt tripping am I a toxic person????

Also, I can get a little bit needy because he's made me feel unloved???

When you and your husband talked, who did more alking? You or him?

When you talk next, try to understand him, his points of view and try to see things from his perspective. Say to him that he needs to tell you and explain things to you in such a way that you can leave the conversation knowing his way of thinking and his reasoning and almost to the point of feeling the way he feels (if that's possible).

If you can get that done, don't respond after he has spoken, stay quiet and think about what he said for a few das, then think of a response.

Sounds like he has you over a barrel then. Just how he wants it!

You sound as if you are shouting at him and not listening to what he has to say.

You seem to be apportioning blame and telling him how he should behave.

Harping on about new men and step dads is pretty much emotional blackmail- "Stay with me, or this is what will happen"- sub text being "and you won't like it- you might even be jealous". Trying to save your marraige is not going to happen if you are talking about finding another man, is it?

Whatever is wrong with your relationship will not be made better by this approach.

Why don't you both go for counselling so that someone can help you both listen, rather than standing in your own corners, shouting at each other, and not really taking onboard each other's feelings?

N!- are you a counsellor- if not, you sound like one

thanks for your viewpoints.

I'm cut and post my last commment onto a new thread because I didn't get any reply

but its called help:re my previous thread if you wanna see what I said.

I do get where you are all coming from, I do think I shout at him sometimes and probably do tell him how he should behave - not because I want him to be unhappy but because I dont want us to make a mistake, I want us to resolve this.

I have said about counselling and we did do one session before. But he said he doesn't want to go.

I think I may well go though.

honestfriend

Quote: "N!- are you a counsellor- if not, you sound like one"

No. Not one of them. I am not sure if I should say thankfully or unfortunately.

I try to be logical, practical and helpful, sometimes pragmatic.