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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please no abuse, no sanctimommies, but need help

49 replies

Fizzfiend · 31/12/2008 18:10

Hello, I have just come back from briefly meeting my lover. We get to see each other about once a week. Today we could only talk with one sneaky kiss. I have come home mad with desire for him and nowhere to put my crazies. I now have to wait another week to see him. I know I should get more of a life (I am a bored SAHM and am trying to get work) but right now he is occupying my every thought. Especially as I have been sexually frustrated for about 8 years and now he has come to my rescue.

I am not expecting sympathy, just ideas on how to cope with this (albeit very nice) torture. The OM is not attached (separated from his DP and living apart). I am married but DH has gone off sex - has been over a year now since we had very reluctant (on his part) sex.

Just thought some of you who had been there, done that, might be able to help me take my mind of everything. Thank you.

OP posts:
cocolepew · 31/12/2008 18:13

Either rekindle your sex life with your DH or leave him.
No sanctimonies? Really?

NAB3lovelychildren · 31/12/2008 18:14

clean your house

hobbgoblin · 31/12/2008 18:16

I think they sell some rabbities to deal with when you have the crazies. They are all vibratingy and buzzingey.

hercules1 · 31/12/2008 18:18

Tbh I dont think you'll get the sort of help you are looking for here. You really need to deal with your marriage but I guess you know that. Good luck.

notnowplease · 31/12/2008 18:18

nab

JimsGirl · 31/12/2008 18:24

FGS, grow up and face up to your responsibilities.

If your sexually frustrated try a bit of DIY.

your marriage is not a game!

solidgoldstuffingballs · 31/12/2008 18:25

For the immediate crazies, if you don't have a rabbit or similar just use your fingers or the showerhead.
FOr a more longterm thing: you need to have a talk with your DH about your sexless marriage. If it's all good apart from the lack of sex, then it's worth putting forward the idea of you getting sex elsewhere (a partner who refuses to have sex with you or address the issue of his/her lack of desire loses the right to stop you having sex with other people IMO).
It might be worth thinking this over: if your DH suddenly got an active libido again and wanted regular sex, would you want to stop seeing the other man, or would you find your DH's renewed sexual interest 'too late'?

Original poster
Fizzfiend · 31/12/2008 18:29

Solid gold - I have tried to talk about it for years and he is in total denial - keeps saying things will change and they never do. I have given up begging - it is so soul destroying. And a rabbit is never going to do it - it's the fact that someone actually wants me that is doing it for me.

I suspect DH has given up on sex and even if he did suddenly become interested again it would be too late. Does this mean my marriage is doomed?

OP posts:
socialpariah · 31/12/2008 18:33

I am in the same boat. Spoke to man briefly yesterday and he occupies my every thought. I am seperated but om isn't.
I am not judgemental. I was made to feel like a nympho when i asked for sex while married. I have a high sex drive so does he and it works for us.
but hence nickname it can have its downfalls.......

whomovedmychocolate · 31/12/2008 18:36

You have to decide whether or not to keep the marriage. If you plan to continue this affair you really can't sustain the marriage so it's a fairly simple choice.

Is it possible your husband has erectile dysfunction that he's trying to cover up? Quite common as men age and treatable. Or maybe he just doesn't feel sexy anymore because he's got old/fat/grumpy? Could any of that be fixed?

Really if you continue this you are voting with your feet on your marriage.

KerryMumbles · 31/12/2008 18:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

socialpariah · 31/12/2008 18:40

I am sure I have read on mn before or in the times about the three leg stool marriage. How some people can't get everything from one person. They have a supplement. As long as the other 'legs' are happy then it works. Apparently.

whomovedmychocolate · 31/12/2008 18:42

I think there is enough shit going on in the OP's marriage without bringing in a three legged version

socialpariah · 31/12/2008 18:46

She already has one though doesn't she? Are there any other problems apart from the sex. Some people just don't have compatible sex drives and it can be really important.

NAB3lovelychildren · 31/12/2008 19:07

Maybe he doesn't want to have sex with his wife who has been elsewhere?

socialpariah · 31/12/2008 19:09

But I am assuming he doesn't know that.
I am not condoning it just saying it happens

MuthaHoHoHubbard · 31/12/2008 19:12

Have been in exactly the same situation.

I tried everything to try and repair my marriage before it happened. It gave me the kick up the arse I needed to end my marriage.

Not the best way to do it and many will say you should finish one relationship before begining another. But many relationships 'overlap', not ideal but it happens.

MarlaSinger · 31/12/2008 19:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Fizzfiend · 31/12/2008 19:21

NAB you are so wrong. I have tried what I consider to be EVERYTHING to fix this. I have tried begging, not begging, lingerie, candles, talking till the cows come home. Every time DH says it will change and it doesn't. I have a high sex drive and am not ready to be a nun at 42.

I quite like DH - he is a nice guy, but I am not happy. However, then I'm conflicted thinking that maybe our mothers would have just put up with this becuase really it's not that bad. There's no violence, no arguments. But I have no interest in DH anymore - don't ever want to go out for dinnner with him for example. I think this is because he has rejected me sexually so many times that I have now cut off emotionally. I am fucked. And I fucking hate NY Eve!

OP posts:
socialpariah · 31/12/2008 19:22

Really [hmmm] because troll/ person said lover? What should she have said?

Original poster
Fizzfiend · 31/12/2008 19:22

Marla - what's so LOL about 'briefly' - it means a short amount of time!

OP posts:
socialpariah · 31/12/2008 19:23

Well your not FD your just not getting fd!

MuthaHoHoHubbard · 31/12/2008 19:25

I also did everything you've done - but to no avail. However, h kept his head in the sand as well as spending as much time away from me as possible and name calling. It got to the stage were I actually really started to dislike him.

OM made me realise how a relationship should be.

It took me ages to build up the courage to tell h we were totally over and when I did it felt like a weight had been lifted. He says he is happier ow tha he has bee for a log time.

You should really consider whether you can carry on like this for another year, or ten.

Original poster
Fizzfiend · 31/12/2008 19:26

Thank you SP - I wondered about what to call him but that's what he is...my lover. It is nice to have some support here. Sometimes I think this is just a board for people who's DH/DP are being unfaithful. Of course there is a need for a board for that, but can't other relationships be discussed too?

OP posts:
MuthaHoHoHubbard · 31/12/2008 19:26

sorry, 'N' not working very well!

'happier now that he has been for a long time'

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