Please no abuse, no sanctimommies, but need help

[Fizzfiend]

Hello, I have just come back from briefly meeting my lover. We get to see each other about once a week. Today we could only talk with one sneaky kiss. I have come home mad with desire for him and nowhere to put my crazies. I now have to wait another week to see him. I know I should get more of a life (I am a bored SAHM and am trying to get work) but right now he is occupying my every thought. Especially as I have been sexually frustrated for about 8 years and now he has come to my rescue.

I am not expecting sympathy, just ideas on how to cope with this (albeit very nice) torture. The OM is not attached (separated from his DP and living apart). I am married but DH has gone off sex - has been over a year now since we had very reluctant (on his part) sex.

Just thought some of you who had been there, done that, might be able to help me take my mind of everything. Thank you.

Thank you also MuthaH - I really will think about whether I can carry this on with DH - it's such emotional torture for me (although I can put on a brave face most of the time).

How did you end it with DH? Did you just come out and say what you were feeling? I am very interested. And did you then start a proper relationship with OM?

I call my lover just that because he is. I am aware of his shortcomings but it doesn't alter the fact that he is an intelligent, articulate, wonderful bloke who I love being with.
TBH as a rule I have found people on here to be fairly understanding but some are very bruised from infidelity and probably wouldn't get it.

I have been where you are Fizzfiend - not because of lack of sex exactly but because of general marriage doldrums and lack of attraction to dh. I still liked him but felt I didn't love him.

I got involved in two very stupid, short term flings. In one of them I was briefly 'crazy' like you are and I know in that state it's really hard to come down. But if you need a cold shower, think of splitting the family/separation/divorce and if you can take it, because that is what you're bringing on yourself.

I am now in it and it's horrible. I am trying to fight to get (d)h back but he understandably doesn't want much to do with me.

Think honestly about what you have to gain/lose. A new relationship may be worth it but you'll have to lose dh and worse, break up your family (you don't mention your kids, are they young? this will hurt them if it gets out and you know that). A shag is definitely not worth it as I can testify. I wish to god I had stayed with the showerhead/rabbit combo and kept my family together.

No, I am not wrong. he is the one who has to change.

Oops, mixed my threads up there.

Weird - I just mooch on here after another 'discussion' with DP about sexual needs (am in exactly the same place as you, minus the lover) and I find this thread.

Solidgold, I'm interested in what you said about: "a partner who refuses to have sex with you or address the issue of his/her lack of desire loses the right to stop you having sex with other people IMO". I kind of agree in some ways, although I still won't be trotting out to find someone to have sex with, partly because I really want to have fulfilling, loving sex with the man I love, not just anyone.

Still, his attitude is one of stagnation, "I'm resigned to it, I don't miss sex that much really, I don't know what's causing this, I don't know how to find out, maybe Relate will help, maybe it won't... shrug" type of thing. I'm paraphrasing wildly obviously. What's this all about?? Should I just run off with someone else, have an affair on the side, put up with it? These seem the main options, aside from rabbits etc. Which are nice but not the real thing.

Sorry, I'm kind of thinking aloud. But I have some sympathy with the OP, it's not what I would do myself, but I can understand it. Sexual rejection is a horrible thing

Coco - when I said no santimommies - I meant no sanctimonious mommies. It's a word I picked up from New York's answer to mumsnet, Urban baby.

Infidelity is just shocking to a lot of people though. But I have come to realise it happens more than I thought. Just makes me laugh the people that have looked down their noses at me the most have offended themselves. Jezza Kyle would have a field day where I live!

Vicky - I have spent too much time being resigned to it and thinking I can deal. I have suppressed my anger and frustration (a lot of it is not about the sexual act, rather than the intimacy that is created during sex). I have felt ugly, rejected, undesirabe, all those things. And yet, there are men out there who fancy me - it seems like a waste of my life to just hang around waiting for DH to change his mind. I'm so bloody confused. Maybe I need too much attention, I don't know. But I do need attention and to be made to feel that I am desirable - doesn't everyone?

I agree. It wasn't just sex I missed. My dh never cuddled or kissed me. It felt like a platonic relationship. My om just makes me feel so special and loved. He remembers the things I talk about liking and the little things he just makes happen for me. And I love it.......

CheerfulVicky, I am in complete agreement. As I told DH this morning, I am 36 and I am sure I will heal over from lack of use. Although

CheerfulVicky, I am in complete agreement. As I told DH this morning, I am 36 and I am sure I will heal over from lack of use. Although

ALthough, I told dh that I deserve to have a man who loves me enough to shag me. Upon saying that dh loves me, and apart from our shit sexlife, will do anything for us and our family,

This is all sounding depressingly similar, isn't it? I don't really understand it. I think it's his problem though and not related to me, paranoid though I am about having 'done something' to make him go off me sexually. I think he is depressed also, and that that's not helping matters - not necessarily the cause of his issues. Ah, I dunno.

I said to him that lots of other women in my position would go off and have an affair, and that if it were the other way round and my partner was telling me that, I would be worried and motivated to save the relationship by doing something (insteda of nodding sagely, looking a bit sad and then going on as usual. Mine doesn't even promise to change). He said 'Well I think you've made yourself perfectly clear' which is his way of saying 'shut up now' and also not having to respond to anything I've said.

Roll on Relate, I wish they'd ring me with an appointment or at this rate we will be going for separation counselling instead Bah.

Cheerful vicky - I am feeling such empathy with you. My DH also promises to the end of the earth that we will start having sex and then it never happens. It doesn't matter that he promises, because it never happens. I am upset mostly that he cannot make the effort for me, just maybe even once or twice a month and PRETEND that he wants me just to keep our marriage together. I have told him during past arguments that I will have an affair if he doesn't do something about it, and he never does anything. That has been the end of the line for me....I would never say such hurtful things if there were any other option.

We have spent this evening in separate rooms. I fear we are going to have it out soon..the fateful "this is the end of the road" argument. Oh god this is so tough. Plus my lover has just let slip that he is seeing his other girlfriend next week. I am so jealous and so pissed off. UGH!

Fizz, sorry was babysitting last night so unable to respond.

I tried and tried to discuss our flagging relationship with h. He would just laugh it off and return his head to the sand. He even made jokes about the fact that we were like lodgers, and that i should be paying rent.

And I fell in love with OM - which I never thought I would do. I took a break from OM to make up my mind.

The final straw for h and I was when I discovered he'd booked a holiday for himself to visit his family - without telling me. And he'd borrowed money against the marital home, again without telling me, to fund it and pay off his credit card.

I wrote him a letter and put it in his bag when he left for his hols. He rang to say he'd read it and said he would reply. I'm still waiting.

Upon his return I asked him to meet me for lunch the next day and told him that I wanted a divorce. He asked if I was sure and then when he realised I wasn't totally blaming him or going to use the kids against him, he agreed that we had been unhappy for longer than we both cared to admit.

It was the hardest thing I've ever done but also felt like walking on air once I'd done it iyswim.

I am with OM now and happier than I've ever been.

I feel bad about the way I've done things, and know in an ideal world I would have finished things with h before getting involved with OM. But things don't always work out how they 'should'.

And it wasn't just lack of sex with h. It started with zero affection, then total lack of any sex life - despite my begging, etc - and continued until we actually exited the room if the other entered and sleeping in separate rooms.

Things were headed towards hatred, which I didn't want. We are now friendlier than we have been for a long time as there is no relationship there.

The only way in which you can remain in a marriage with a partner who refuses to have sex with you and refuses to make any effort to increase his/her libido is to have it agreed that the partner who has a sex drive will seek sex elsewhere. Otherwise, resentment poisons the relationship and it can't last. And, really, a partner who is prepared not to bother about the fact that the other person in the relationship is bitterly unhappy over the lack of sex is not that good a partner. While it's not bad or wrong to have a low libido, it is both bad and wrong to expect your partner to simply put up with it.

Very well said sgb, as always

Yes I have been there in my marriage and though didn't take a lover (would have done towards the end if a suitable opportunity had arise.

My exH would not address the problem I still to this day do not know why he withdrew his affection and sex. It leaves you in a very verybad place. I was so unhappy. It was a contributory factor in our marriage breakdown.

Since we split have had the best sex of my life with an exbf.

ExH has moved on to a new relationship so clearly he had not lost his drive completely.

I think they have to recognise there is a problem. My xdh was probably depressed which is why he went off sex but it was so frustrating. I would quite happily have it everyday but realise that a couple of times a week is ok and normal. He refused to talk about it though or realise there was something wrong and he went off it for months!
I am not saying this is 100% why I strayed as he isn't tactile full stop but it was a large part.

either go with lover or leave husband.

simple as that really

Its interesting though that since we split my xdh and I now have regular not even that bad sex!

I do th esame thing as you, except my DH is highly sexed but i just don't love him anymore and therefore have a lover.

It does get easier over time. We swap texts most days to keep us going, sometimes have a sneaky conversation.

What th eother mums have said are right as well. However I know the feeling another lover can give to you and it is addictive. The chase, feeling sooo horney when you are with them, and making you feel amazing like a sex godess.

You will fall in love with your lover if you continue i can assure you of that.

Just don't get caught. It's best to split up with DH on the failed relationship basis rather than being found out.