Can I just ask if this was "normal" in late 80's and can you please help me toughen up so I don't care?

[bohemianbint]

Don't want to sound like a whiner as I've sorted most of my issues out from my childhood (which was pretty shitty.) But recently a few things have come up and I need to deal with them so I can be the best I can be for my family.

We got engaged earlier this year - and got two cards from friends. No one will talk to us about our wedding (because we're not as conventional as they think we should be?) We're having to save and remortgage our house to pay for ours.

My (half) sister just got engaged. Her house is full of cards and she's planning a big princess wedding which will be paid for by my parents.

Which has brought up a few things, but specifically:

1. From about age 10 (brother) and 12 (me) we were locked out of the house from 3pm when school finished until half 5pm when my parents got in. All the time, all weathers. I got a key at 14 but my sister nicked it and I was not given another until I was about 16. Occasionally if it was really bad they would leave the garage unlocked and a drink inside.I guess my sister was either at nursery or my grandparents.

1. Parents took my sister away to Lapland on holiday at Christmas and left us behind.

Was this fairly standard 80's parenting? If it was anyone else I'd say it was bang out of order, but my parents managed to rationalise everything and what they did was "right" and "normal" without question.

I know it's not the biggest deal, and out of context these things were a long time ago and don't sound that bad. But I've just realised things have not actually changed and I need to find a way to stop coming off the phone feeling like shit because they are so indifferent to me and my kids. The last 12=18 months things have really starting being noticeable, but they cover themselves so you think its you going mad. Like they'll invite us to things that we can't really do because we have two tiny children, then act like we're being funny when we can't go. We invited them over at christmas and first they refused, then they came for 20 minutes, wouldn't have a drink, looked really uncomfortable and left. It just doesn't make you feel great, especially when it's obvious that they don't want to spend time with your kids either.

How can I deal with this and harden up?!

orangehead - I'm really sorry to hear that, must have been bloody terrifying. Funny how having kids makes you think. I've found this thread really useful, it's helping me to at least realise that what happened wasn't on. Hope it helps you too.

I think I will read through properly when the kids arent around, they dont need to see me crying and every time I read some say its not on to be locked out it set me off. Thanks bohemianbint.
Congrats on the engagement, when is the wedding?

orangehead - I was like that when I read it, especially when people said it wasn't my fault, which I sort of knew logically but consistent treatment like that gets you innately. We also used to break in and get absolutely bollocked for it. But I'm determined to change things for the better now.

Wedding's in May - am now stressing about dresses which is taking my mind of the fact that I don't really want my can't be arsed parents there.

OK BB, yes, to sitting for hours in front of cold food. Yes to leftovers (food was proportionately more expensive in those days).

At least the meat will have given you some animo acids, even if it did make you gag. I hate milk and was forced to drink it every day at school, and that made me gag as well, but at least I got the calcium.

I think some of the issues surrounding shit parenting is also to do with a mismatch of personality between parent and child, quite aside from poor parenting techniques, which may have surrounded the food situation at your house perhaps??

I see what you're saying about a mismatch of personalities; that's definitely the case.

What bugs me is that my father had also been veggie for x amount of years (all my life) but suddenly because he remarries he starts eating meat again and sits there allowing my SM to force feed me until sick every week. He at least should have know better.

I've started to really see my dad in a different light; I've always pathetically idolised him and hoped he might like me back. Now I see he's sat back for years and allowed some really bad things to happen to his kids. I just don't understand it, I could never let anyone be like that with mine.

Well obviously you're just nicer than him. Not everybody can be nice or even has to be nice. Unfair as that seems.

BohemianBint

Your Dad sounds like he was the "bystander". The fact that he allowed some really bad things to his children proves this. Many people who are in or who come from dysfunctional families have defined roles.

Same in my family - my dad was definitely the bystander. I was the scapegoat. What's a nutty mother than rants at you then? And a spare brother who gets all the attention and resources?

We have a saying where I come from about making 'meat of one and bones of the other', in other words, you just don't make differences like that between your kids. It's not on - and that goes for foster kids. It's like a lot of these badly parented accounts, you just make sure you don't do it to your own. Your parents are wrong and skewed.

Oh bohemianbint, I really feel for you. I cant imagine how you must feel. However, I would suggest that you look at your dear children and lovely husband to be, and be proud that you have such a lovely family that YOU have made, regardless of your upbringing. You should be proud of yourself.

I know it will hurt if you dont get any financial support for your wedding from your dad but honestly, your wedding day will be the best day of your life because of the people who are there to share it with you, not because of how fancy the flowers/cake/venue is. You could have the poshest/most expensive doo but if the atmosphere and people are dull then the wedding will be dull. If you have the right people there then you will have a ball.

I know all about being treated differently to siblings, I got a mere pittance from my parents for my wedding because my in-laws gave nothing so my parents had nothing to match, but my brothers wife comes from quite a wealthy family so when they wed my parents had to try to "keep up with the joneses" and gave them lots more. It didnt make them any more happy and the wedding wasnt any better!! Its taken me 15 years to realise that though.

Thank you.

I just wish we could either have a big barny and get things out in the open (I hate festery arguments) or that I just didn't have to keep dealing with them. Unfortunately neither is an option. I can't talk to them as it will only make things worse. Am so sick of thinking about it.

I don't have any useful advice but am so for you and wish you didn't have to deal with these people.

BB - Why is neither an option? Surely, addressing the issues with them, or cutting contact are 2 of the 3 options you have? (The only other being that things carry on exactly as they are.)

If I raise it with them they will turn it round on me and get really shitty, and twist it so it's my fault. And as they live round the corner I can't really cut them out- especially as the whole extended family would probably then cut us out too.

Actually I decided last night I might try to ask my dad and see if I can get some kind of sensible conversation out of him.