We used to be sex, drugs, and rocknroll

[SueDonym]

I am a namechanger. Before we got pg with DS, DH and I were swingers, did drugs and had quite an "exciting" social life. That is very much the past for me, but DH is very resentful despite the baby being planned. He still wants to have that excitement and isangry wth me for not having much of a sex drive at the moment (non-sleeping baby, ffs!) and is wanting to "get back to normal."
OK, I know that there will be many of you quick to jump in and shout, but please please please I am looking for people who had a similar situation please. If this was you, how did you deal with it? Did you ever go back to the "fun and games"? I just want to be a family for a bit and will NEVER do drugs again now that I am responsible for a life.

Aside from the swingers bit, DH and i had much more of a rock n roll lifestyle before kids, but when we decided to have a family, we sacrificed those things for the good of our kids etc.

Did you not discuss how things would change when you had kids?

He has no right to be 'angry' that you don't want sex- that stinks tbh. Our sex life is getting fantastic again now that our youngest is a little over a year old (breastfeeding put a huge hold on things, but again, it was a sacrifice i wanted to make)

Are you worried that he'll want to leave? And if you were swingers, then are you willing to let him get it elsewhere for a while? Or now that you have a child, do you want that to stop too?

We did discuss it. He just ignored that bit, apparently. I am not about to have him go off with someone else unless he chooses to leave for good. I guess he thought I'd get back to "normal" once the baby came. Snort.
I am BF and will continue to do so for a while and am not willing to sacrifice my child's well-being for anything.
I am hoping that he will see that he is being ridiculous or will admit that he doesn't want to do the family thing and just leave.

A 1st child is a big change for lots of people, maybe for someone who had such a care free life beforehand more so. Perhaps he's going to come around.

I suppose the most important thing now is for both of you to say how you want life to be now, and see what compromises you can make so that things work. If he isn't willing to compromise maybe that's the end. I find it silly that he expects sex to be straight back to normal after a baby- is he not exhausted too? Is he doing his fair share? How old is the baby now?

Fab name, btw Sue!

I feel your pain sue!! In the past, myself and partner had quite a decadent life, always out and about, drugs and lots of alcohol involved, minus the swinging though (although a lot of head turning to some affairs was involved). I was always more 'up for it' and more wild than he was. Since i started thinking about babies though, and then being pregnant, then having my daughter my life has completely changed, and im happy with life as it is. I cant imagine having to maintain all that excitement, sexlife etc with a baby. my attention is completely focused on my dd.
Maybe have a sit down with your partner and discuss what you both expect now, and in the future, you could possibly go back to your lifestyle in a few years, but then again you may not want to, who knows, but your husband should compromise at the moment for you wishes to have time together as a family, this stage in your lives is so short. My partner has discussed with me my lack of interest for partying, sex etc, probably wondering where the old me has gone. The sexlife has come back now, but no one will convince me to take up my old risky lifestyle, i think my dd has shaped me, much more than i could ever shape her, and ive told my partner thats that for me, end of discussion. Now we live a very boring middle class life, which we used to laugh at, but very happy. I would have a serious discussion about expectations with your DH, maybe get him to do a bit more of the solg, and he'll be just as tired. men are hysterical about sex after babies, my partner thought as id had a emergency section id be able to go straight to it, as after all, that 'bit wasnt used'!! Good luck.

sorry - 'slog' that was mean to be.

Swinging's a bit weird, though.

No drugs nor swinging here but rather satisfying social life before pregnancy
which obviously changed massively so I sympathise with your husband.

I second suggestion to get your partner involved as much as possible with your ds.
He needs to feel that he, too, has moved on and that it was time to move on..

Having said that, are there elements from your previous lifestyle that he could
go and enjoy by himself every now and then? Obviously not the swinging but
maybe a big night plus lie-in once a month?

Plenty of swingers are parents, you know. Many an evening at a swingers' club involves conversations about babysitters, school choices and kids' TV as well as house prices and parking problems, at least until folk start getting naked and stuck in. Parenthood doesn't necessarily mean you have to stop having fun and immediately start dressing in pastel leisurewear and getting all excited about a trip to Ikea.
I think what you have to get over to your DH is that you want to stay at home and be quiet and take it easy for now and the future is not a lifesentence of suburban conformity (trust me, if you enjoyed your happy hedonism in the past, that side of you will reawaken in a year or two once you are caught up on sleep). The first few months of parenthood are a massive shock for everyone, and it's daft to make longterm binding decisions about how your lives are going to be when you're sleep-deprived, covered in sick, and totally unable to do anything remotely spontaneous.
Your DH needs to understand that the more he supports you and does his share of the domestic work, the happier your relationship will be - but it's also important that both of you have some leisure time every week, both as a couple and as separate individuals. If you have a young baby you are breastfeeding, then obviously you won't be able to leave him/her with anyone else for long just yet, but as soon as you can, it's a good idea to start doing so, and having some adult fun now and again.

Thank you all. I have had this discussion with DH soooo many times. I have approached it from the "If you could just maybe give me one or two nights a month to sllep I will feel much better and much more up for fun" but it is apparently "too hard" for him. He goes out 3-5 times a week with my blessing. We have actually spent a weekend with swinger friends with him doing the whole drug thing, me just drinking loads of water and feeding occasionally and doing the swinging thing. That was "too difficult as he was worried about how I was feeling." I cannot win!!
He has had a few big nights out, and I always let him have a lie-in.
He says he doesn't want to go through 5 years(or whatever) of boring mundane domesticity if the fun me doesn't come out the other side. How can I possibly guarantee that?
Anyway, am doing much soul searching atm.

NEWSFLASH. Things will not be getting 'back to normal' ever again. Not unless he wants to shun responsible parenting for life as a sad old git who prizes boozing and shagging above his kids. Did he not consider this before he signed up for marriage and kids? He is being a spoilt, immature twit.

"We have actually spent a weekend with swinger friends with him doing the whole drug thing, me just drinking loads of water and feeding occasionally and doing the swinging thing."

When you say you were feeding occasionally - do you mean your baby? If so I don't know how you could quite get your head around the whole situation - he was definately asking too much of you.

I went from having a fun life to staying in watching Ground Force when I found out I was pg with DS1. No negatiation - DH just understood you don't go out and get off your face when you have children. Your DH really needs to realse this asap - although I'm not sure how you can convince him.

Sorry, got nothing helpful to add, but:

Parenthood doesn't necessarily mean you have to stop having fun and immediately start dressing in pastel leisurewear and getting all excited about a trip to Ikea.

LOL

OptimistS - actually I wear "nurtral" shades of leisure wear - rather than pastels.

No, leisurewear is not compulsory but PMSL at swinging a few times a week with small children.

Lynette.

I love SGB's ability to inject some humour into serious posts without actually detracting from the issue at hand, which is, of course, exactly what I'm doing now by hijacking this post. Sorry.

I was thinking about this post over my last coffee and it occurs to me that there is more going on in this relationship than simply readjusting to life after a baby (though that's a huge thing in itself). I find the comment: "I am hoping that he will see that he is being ridiculous or will admit that he doesn't want to do the family thing and just leave" quite telling. Sue, it sounds to me as though you're completely emotionally exhausted and have already started withdrawing from the relationship emotionally. Speaking from experience (two failed relationships), I know that once I reached the stage where I started to see splitting up as a viable option, rather than trying to see ways past the problem, I was already half-way out of the door. You are clearly quite close to giving up on this relationship, even if you're not ready to come out and say that just yet. Does your DH know how unhappy you've become and how serious thing have got? Perhaps if he did, he might be willing to compromise a bit more. If not, then that brings a whole new set of problems, I'm afraid.

Before children, I was a bit of a party animal - all-night raves, gigs, lots of alcohol and occasional recreational drugs. I gave it all up when we started to try for a baby. I don't miss the drugs at all, and I'm quite happy with the occasional drink I have now, but there are times when I would love to go out for a really good night out. I didn't want to in the first 18 months after my twins were born, but that urge is resurfacing now. I'm older and wiser now, with different goals in life, so I will never go back to certain things I used to do (like drugs), but some things still appeal. I think SGB hits the nail on the head when she says "if you enjoyed your happy hedonism in the past, that side of you will reawaken in a year or two once you are caught up on sleep". It may not feel like it now, but this early stage goes past so quickly.

That said, I also agree with MrsMattie: "Things will not be getting 'back to normal' ever again. Not unless he wants to shun responsible parenting for life as a sad old git who prizes boozing and shagging above his kids." Life DOES change when you have children. You simply cannot live life as footloose and fancy-free as you did. That doesn't mean you have to give up on a social life, however. You can still go out separately and have a good time (as long as it doesn't affect your parenting for more than a good lie-in the following morning), and if you can get a good babysitter, there's no reason why you can't go out together and do the things you used to. You just won't be able to do it as often as before. What isn't realistic, though, is for your DH to think it is perfectly acceptable for him to go out 3-5 times a week (), while you stay in bogged down in all the childcare and domestic stuff, and then wonder why you're not up for swinging on the weekend. He needs to start pulling his weight about the house now!!! If he does his fair share and then still wants to party, fair enough. You might even find you want to too once you're not shouldering so much. Or, he might want to do it less in favour of a takeaway, DVD and early night. At the moment though, he has all the fun of fatherhood without any of the responsibility and that's not fair. If he won't move on this issue, you've got serious problems. I am disturbed that he uses the excuse that it's "too hard" for him to pull his weight with the little one. That sounds incredibly selfish and, more alarmingly, that he seems to think his needs come before yours. That needs to change. Now.

Ultimately, only you know the ins and outs of your relationship and the personalities involved. I have a feeling that unless your DH meets you halfway, you are going to end this. With any luck, however, this might actually refocus him on what's important. I hope I'm wrong and that things work out between you though. A new baby puts a lot of strain on even the best of relationships, but people do get through it. Good luck!

I must say that before ds we also had an active social life, lots of going out, drinking, sports, gigs etc. when ds came a long I was tired a lot, we didnt go out so much (though we did go out when we could get a babysitter), I didnt want to do the 'risky' stuff anymore (ie buggering off for the weekend, staying out all hours), and xh wanted to do his thing isntead of the family thing. My priorities in life changed, and xh's didnt. xh totally failed to make the adjustment and ran off with a 23 yr old party-girl with no resposiblities when ds was 16 mo.

I would suggest going to couples counselling asap to nip this in the bud. Dont go the way we went.

On the plus side, now I am free of his selfish ways, I have a fab social life, and a great family life with ds and my family, again!

I do think that your DH needs to start pulling his weight a bit more, Sue - but there is a slight tone in your posts to the effect that parenthood is the end of life as we know it and that fun is no longer allowed. If you are telling your DH that he is bad and wrong for wanting any childfree sexy time, and that he must stop wanting to have fun and immediately start watching the Antiques Roadshow or putting up shelves, then it's not that surprising that he is getting irritable.
He does need to take over as much as possible (ie if you are BF it's still going to be you waking in the night unfortunately) for at least 1 if not 2 nights a week so you can get some rest and some time to do something that's about you and not about being a mother. You actually need to have non-mummy time on a regular basis - it might seem like just one more effort and chore to start with but it genuinely benefits you so much. THe message you have to get home to your DH is: the more help he gives you, the more likely you are to have the energy to have fun (this is a proven fact).

SueD, your relationship sounds unbalanced at the moment
as you are trying ever so hard to please two kids at the same time.
One of whom is spoilt beyond belief - 3-5 nights out a week, eh?!

Stop discussing, start asking (but sans question mark).
'Could you look after ds this Saturday morning please,
I am going for a walk. Back in a few hours. Thanks.'

Looking after a baby is hard in the sense that it's tiring
but it's certainly not 'technically' difficult!
Get him involved NOW otherwise you might drift apart even further.

Your dh sounds selfish, immature and spoilt. You sound as if you are bending over backward (perhaps wrong choice of words there) to be sensitive to him. Its a shame it's not being reciprocated.

Was your preganancy planned?

I find the image of any woman with a young baby feeling that she "has" to stand by "feeding occasionally and doing a bit of the swinger thing" while her partner gets off his face and shags other women immensely sad.

But then, I am not a swinger and this thread is not about that, so I am trying not to judge (and failing, sorry)

Sue, how do you feel about your post-baby body while dp is shagging others?

My hormones were all over the place for the 1st few months, if my dh had so much as looked at another woman I would have been very unhappy.

Anyfucker has it right. you took your baby to a swinger's party while your DH got off his tits and shagged other women? How sad for you. Not judging, just sounds awful and shit.
He has it all a bit skew wiff. IMO he should be spending the attention on his wife, making her feel good and sexy again, rather than shagging other people, whatever the parameters were before baby/ No reason why you can't swing again in the future but right now I can't see it being a 2 way street, I know the thought of any other bloke seeing my ravaged belly makes me shudder...lolAre you really up for swinging with a baby???
He goes out too often. My DH goes out once a week and i'm trying to do the same. My DH also needs prodding to do his bit occasionally. However sounds like urs wants none of the hard stuff - that has to change.

I think your set-up sounds very unbalanced, and he seems unwilling to change it. 3+ nights out a week and leaving you to do all the babycare is out of order regardless of who he sticks his knob in. I don't understand why you are so accommodating of him and his "needs", when you have yours which are every bit as important, and the baby to look after. This may sound harsh, and I do really feel for you, but I reckon you need to grow a pair and tell him to step up or hand over his house key. I couldn't tolerate this at all, and I would probably be too angry and disappointed to say anything constructive in counselling. Good luck, I hope you can resolve this situation.

sue, are you ok ?