We used to be sex, drugs, and rocknroll

[SueDonym]

I am a namechanger. Before we got pg with DS, DH and I were swingers, did drugs and had quite an "exciting" social life. That is very much the past for me, but DH is very resentful despite the baby being planned. He still wants to have that excitement and isangry wth me for not having much of a sex drive at the moment (non-sleeping baby, ffs!) and is wanting to "get back to normal."
OK, I know that there will be many of you quick to jump in and shout, but please please please I am looking for people who had a similar situation please. If this was you, how did you deal with it? Did you ever go back to the "fun and games"? I just want to be a family for a bit and will NEVER do drugs again now that I am responsible for a life.

tbh i think details aside this is the eternal story of a man not stepping up to the plate when a baby arrives. he's not prepared to put fatherhood ahead of his own interests, while you have no option but to put baby first. this creates a huge imbalance in the relationship, which creates entirely reasonable resentment.

while pregnancy and babyhood bends you pretty much out of shape, once that's out of the way (and for me that seems to be 18mo+ so not a small stretch of time by any means, especially if you have more than one) ime your, ahem, recreational interests return. but during that hiatus you have to be able to maintain respect within your relationship. if he's pretty much left you to it i find it hard to imagine that respect surviving.

but you sound as though parenthood is changing what you want deep down (e.g. no drugs) so i wonder whether swinging, lost weekends etc. will continue to be part of that landscape for you.

either way people do change, and parenthood is a pretty intense experience, the relationships that survive are the ones where you can support each other in those changes. tbh it sounds that unless he is prepared to make some accommodations to your new lifestyle now you're unlikely to still want him around when your libido etc. does return.

No. I am not ok. The whole thing is crap and I hate it. The going out 3+times/wk was an easier option for me for a while as if he was home he made me stay up til 11 and I just want to go to bed at 8/9 at the moment.
Sounds a bit harsh saying I took my baby to a swinger party. I took him to a friend's house for the weekend and during the 5 hours he was asleep there were 4 adults upstairs.
How do I feel about my body? It isn't what it used to be, but dont expect it to be.
I am not telling DH never again on ANY fun, just have told him that drugs are out for me and they are out for him if he is to be in charge for even a minute for the days following.
It is totally unbalanced. He is a complete shit. He doesn't understand. I have tried to make him look after DS but he just wont for more than a few minutes. If I leave him at home and say I'm off, DH goes to his 80 yr old parents and makes them look afterhim.
You are right, I am considering the end of all this, which is sad, I just wanted to see if anyone on here had pulled through it. DS is 9 months. If it takes 18 months to feel human again, I dont see DH waiting for it.

Oh Sue I don't blame you- from the sounds of it you're practically a single mother anyway. You'd be hard pressed to find anyone who goes out upto 5 times a week when they have kids, let alone a baby. He is being very selfish, to you and the baby. It doesn't sound like he wants to be a Dad to me.

If he won't make serious and immediate compromises, perhaps you're left with no choice but to end it. Making you stay up? Refusing to care for his child? He doesn't sound like much of a man, never mind a Dad.

My DH probably whistfully thinks of our debaucherous weekends from time to time, but he's a Dad now, and that comes first. Plus, when i'm tired etc he supports me, not bullies me. We have fun a couple of times a month, when we BOTH feel like it and the kids are well cared for by BOTH of us.

You are putting your child first, despite his actions. Good on you- don't let him beat you down.

Poor you Sounds like your relationship is on the rocks. He sounds like a piece of work...selfish and horrible. How old is he? Was the baby planned?

How old...old enough to know better. 38. Not only was baby planned, it took us ages to get pg. He had plenty of time to change his mind.

such a cliche but YOU CAN DO BETTER! be strong

do you want him to wait for it?

it doesn't sound like you do and i can't for the life of me see why you would.

he's not being a parent to your child and he's not being a partner to you so what exactly is his function in the family?

when a child is born both the parents have to step up and take responsibility... that means life changes in a huge way.

dp and i were heavy drug users, drinkers, party animals, concert goers and i was working as a stripper before kids. things didn't just change for me when i got pregnant though, both our lives changed to accomodate the child we were having and to provide her with the best upbringing we could.

we had ds within 18 months and i have to say..... normality didn't resume sex wise until he was about 2! he's 2.5 now and dc3 is just weeks away and dp knows things will slow down alot, for a long time, after the birth but it's not an issue..... the health and wellbeing of everyone in the family comes first.

please don't exhaust yourself accomodating such a selfish and cruel individual... take care of yourself and your child and let him know he can either be a member of your family unit or he can go off and live his bachelor life without ye in it.

Dh and I had a party lifestyle minus the swinging prior to dc's and we've both found it hard and to some extent still do and our oldest is 9. However, neither of us would change anything and our dc's always come first. DH has found it harder than me, but he is also a very hands on Dad and I think this is what has helped him understand why life has changed. If you want it to work you need to get him involved in the baby.

just back from shopping and upset to see you feeling so bad, Sue

it looks like people have pulled through this situation, but only if their partners have stepped up to the plate

my dh did, both of our lives changed completely the day the 1st was born

however, when we felt ready, we go some of our "me" time back and then, after that, some of our "couple" time. He felt ready before I did, that is natural I think

even now (our eldest is 13), we cannot be spontaneous, things have to be planned. Our friend is visiting from Australia and we have had to turn down a night out 'cos we don't have a babysitter

it is frustrating, but it is real, we made the decision to be a family a long time ago

we get good times too, dirty weekends etc but they are much fewer and far between

we both accept this

Sue, look after yourself and your baby

Hi sue, ive been thinking about your post most of the day, and i dont want you to think i feel sorry for you, but i do feel quite sad just thinking of how you must feel. I dont think you dh is even giving you much of a chance to even get back to the 'fun and games', and yet still running you down for it. He sounds quite controlling in your posts, and wants you and the baby to dance to his tune. The situation could be comprimised of any sort of problem not just drugs sexlife etc, but the fact that he is putting this before his family. I dont feel your asking for much, just some exclusive family time you deserve, and you sound like a very good mum. Am not sure what to advise really in this situation, but on a personal level, i know i couldnt put up with myself and my baby coming second to anything. As i said before, myself and partner were both rather adventurous before the baby, and i think my partner was really shocked how i had changed throughout pregnancy and then having my dd, but after a few weeks we worked it out, and our relationship is still the same, but our lives are just a bit different. Babies do change things whether people like it or not, am not sure what your husband was expecting!! Best of luck anyway, and let us know how things are turning out for you.

Yes, please come back and vent here or let us know how things develop. I'm sorry if I sounded harsh or unsympathetic earlier too- the truth is your story really riled me and made me feel so outraged on your behalf, but I should have made it clearer that it was him I was angry with rather than making it sound like I thought you were a wuss! It must be your worst nightmare really to plan and try for a baby together, only to have your partner turn round once it's a done deal and whinge that you're no fun any more. Then he carries on as normal and leaves you to fend for yourself. Oh jeez, I'm getting wound up again even thinking about it He's being such a prick- you can tell him that from me....sorry, not helpful, but grrr...

It does sound like you are making an effort to compromise and understand his point of view but he is making no effort to understand yours. I think you should find out how you would stand legally etc if you separated (it is always important to have this information in place if you become seriously unhappy, because when you know the facts you can't be put off or bullied by claims that you will be homeless/broke/he will take the DC off you unless you obey him), then have a talk with him to the effect that he doesn't seem to want to be in this marriage any more so how would he feel about making plans to leave? This might shock him into getting a grip, but if he does want to leave, better he gets on with doing so than hangs around being no help and making you feel like crap.

I'm with you BitOfFun, I can't help feeling angry on Sue's behalf and would feel awful if she had taken any comments as implied criticism of her.

For some reason, this is sticking in my mind, and if I were Sue's friend in RL I would be round there in a heartbeat .

sue, how are you today?

Thank you...you are all lovely people.
Have had too tiring a day to even begin to make sense. Will post tomorrow.

sounds like you are pretty cool and amazing to be honest - he has the best of all worlds - goes out a lot, and has a fab family too

maybe you can say there is nothing attractive about an old swinger - at some point he will get bored of it and if hes lucky he will have a wife and kids to hang out with and enjoy life with

if he can learn to compromise he can have it all - and you of course

Happy New Year sue- you are in my head, and I hope we keep in touch whatever 2009 may bring, because I really think you are a good woman who deserves a break. All the best, girl x

I am actually quite cool and amazing.
Happy New Year everyone. I am hoping that 2009 sees a huge change for me for the better, however that might work out. Best wishes to all of you too.

Sue, I hope your dp realises just how much he has to lose.