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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No sex, very little affection and now I'm getting gripey with dh...would you be happy with this?

42 replies

astmvt · 26/12/2008 21:43

I feel like I'm being very gripey with dh these days and turning into a nag.

We've been together over 10 years.

He never hugs or kisses me without me asking for one/ initiating it.

He never says I love you without me saying it first, and even then most of the time he can't actually seem to say 'I love you' - has to say some other version like 'love you' at a push.

He has very little sex drive (which I've posted about before on here) - it isn't a physical thing, he has intellectualised the idea of sex and says he thinks it's a stupid concept and a low level human need.

Could I be sexually frustrated and that's making me gripe at him?

Last time we talked about that issue, he said my griping at him wasn't helping as it wasn't sexy. He has in the past said I don't behave sexy.

I think it's more than sex that's the problem. I feel unloved.

I didn't used to be this naggy, grumpy wife. I'm just tired of making do with a friendship when surely I should have more than that in my marriage.

We do get on well e.g. if we go out for a meal we have a good chat. Sometimes we have arguments (we never really used to) and I find dh's emotionless, over intellectualising very difficult. He seems to think that because he doesn't have many emotional needs no one else has either.

OP posts:
Original poster
astmvt · 26/12/2008 21:44

p.s. and when he does 'hug' or kiss me back it's usually all very awkward and forced, not warm.

OP posts:
Cezzy · 26/12/2008 21:46

Not making excuses for him, but does he have any work or other worries he may be keeping to himself? I know my DH goes very quiet and into himself when he has and says he doesnt want to worry me.

Tortington · 26/12/2008 21:49

sex should be a basic human need. it should be fun and enjoyable - one could intellectualise eating dog shit if it suited oned purpose

the man has a problem, he is very obviously embarrased about. it sounds like there is a communication problem

i think you have to lay your cards on the table

"either i get some good fuckin', or you go to the doctors or we got a problem

SleighGirl · 26/12/2008 21:50

Could he be very unhappy/depressed and just hiding from it all by hiding behing his intellectualising of it all. Sounds like he needs some sort of therapy to get in touch with his feelings again?

It must be horrendous living with him IMHO

Original poster
astmvt · 26/12/2008 21:52

Cezzy - he's always been like this with affection really. He has some work worries at the moment but nothing too serious.

Sleighgirl - I know that would be the case with some people but I don't think it is with him. It's just the way he is. He is way more moderate in all his emotions. He is seriously stress proof as the upside of him not doing love/ affection 'properly' (IMHO) is that he doesn't do stress, anger etc.

OP posts:
nula · 26/12/2008 21:57

I woud be happy with that ...if he was my brother.

Not if he was my husband.

SleighGirl · 26/12/2008 22:00

Yes but is it behaviour he has learned to control his emotions as he sees them as being weak?

Original poster
astmvt · 26/12/2008 22:02

That's an interesting idea Sleighgirl. I don't know whether it's learned or not. His family say he's always been like this.

OP posts:
Cezzy · 26/12/2008 22:02

Maybe the time has come for a heart to heart, explain how his behaviour is making you feel, how much you care about him and your relationship but you cant carry on as things are, but try to keep calm. He sounds as though having a paddy at him would not get through? All the best, sending hugs as we all need them sometimes (even those who say they dont!)

SleighGirl · 26/12/2008 22:06

Could he have some attachment issues from when he was a young child?

Completely guessing here but if he can't identify/empathise with other people & have emotions it's either some sort of sociapathic type disorder (and no they're not all warped people in that way) or something happened when he was young to develop it as a coping mechanism perhaps.

Really these are just my random thoughts, but do you want your ds to think it is normal to have completely subdued emotions?

Original poster
astmvt · 26/12/2008 22:07

I know I need hugs, even if he doesn't, so they are very welcome!

We have kind of talked about it before. It's just the way he is is the type of thing that he says. He can't change himself. I actually believe he can't change. Coming over to give me a hug is quite unnatural to him. Even at times when I've been upset about serious stuff, he hasn't done it.

To be fair, he's a good person and a good father. That said, I've never ever heard him say I love you to our son and is definitely less affectionate than I am with him. Interestingly our ds is less affectionate back to him than he is with me. They have a good relationship though and lots of fun. We have fun too, we have a similar sense of humour. So there is good stuff here. Someone once described us as a meeting of minds.

I do think he loves me but he just doesn't do the concept of 'in love'.

I think if I carry on griping and nagging it will destroy us. Could it be sexual frustration making me grumpy or is that a myth?

OP posts:
Original poster
astmvt · 26/12/2008 22:10

Sleighgirl, I don't think there's anything traumatic in his childhood. I don't think his parents showed any affection in front of their children but it hasn't affected his siblingsas they are quite affectionate.

I think he's just a bit aspergers/ autistic / a very mathematical super-rational persion. (I hope I haven't offended anyone with the ASD autism comments - I only have a top level awareness of these conditions)

Ironically, he thinks he is very good at empathy....LOL

OP posts:
SleighGirl · 26/12/2008 22:10

I think far more a case of feeling unloved, unless you are constantly gagging for sex that is?

Original poster
astmvt · 26/12/2008 22:13

sounds feasible as I'm definitely not constantly gagging for it....that's a good point that I could get like this because I feel resentful about feeling unloved.

OP posts:
SleighGirl · 26/12/2008 22:15

Can you train him to tell you every day that he loves you & is glad he married you? Has he got a to do list - can you put it on it? Can you arrange to go on dates just to have undivided attention from him?

I wish my dh had a diary so I could write in it on random dates throughout the year to buy me flowers as a surprise!

Original poster
astmvt · 26/12/2008 22:29

I guess but I don't think he'd do it.
In effect we do the dates as we go out for dinner most weeks and also I kind of make us have dinner together at the table so we catch up. It's more the lack of affection, sex and understanding my emotions that's a problem.

I got angry with him earlier over something and shouted and he made out I was some sort of loon because I shouted. But that's fairly normal isn't it?

OP posts:
Original poster
astmvt · 26/12/2008 22:30

the idea of him saying he's glad he's married to me is quite amusing as he'd never say that. Not being rude as you are being really helpful - it just wouldn't be him.

OP posts:
bigTillyMint · 26/12/2008 22:34

I thought ASD when I read your OP - if it is, then he's not going to change

If it was, then he must have been like it since you first met. How did you cope then?

Original poster
astmvt · 26/12/2008 22:39

We got on so well. He was/ is handsome, interesting. I was quite young and had slightly low self esteem and had had a turbulent childhood. He is mr steady so there is no unpredictability which was wonderful and still us. My dad was prone to dreadful temper tantrums so he is the opposite.

OP posts:
Original poster
astmvt · 26/12/2008 23:49

Had a heart to heart. We are different in our emotional needs and there is a mismatch.
He says he doesn't feel the need to hug or kiss. He only feels emotions if they're extreme events.

I meanwhile need to chill out which is true.

I do love him and want to be happy. I just want a proper hug once in a while.

OP posts:
dsrplus8 · 27/12/2008 00:25

id send him to the doctors, he probably needs a wee check up to see if hes ok.men are strange creatures at times ,and most likely hes "lost his mojo",give him a good dose of vitamins, and some tlc,hopefully its just a wee phase,your def. frustrated and thats making you grumpy, so be kind to yourself and stop over annalising(lol),>

dsrplus8 · 27/12/2008 00:27

if all else fails, get some blue pills for him!

MadameOvary · 27/12/2008 01:23

Feel for you. I was with someone like this. It was awful. He just preferred to direct his energies to work rather than sex. We were more like brother and sister .

TisTheSeasonToBeSolo · 27/12/2008 03:06

I have in the past felt angry/frustrated/aggressive and put it down to lack of sex. It happens to men, so why not some women?

TinyWhiteFeather · 27/12/2008 03:17

Is there any way you can use your sense of humour to connect with him and turn it around so you are expressing your feelings but not in a 'nagging' way.

Sort of make it a double act, so you are maybe flirty and affectionate, and use his 'strong silent type' as part of it.

I have been accused (not by H) of being frigid emotionally in the past and found it quite painful to express myself. However understanding you are, if he is self-conscious about it, he will find it even harder. His emotional make up might not change but perhaps you can alter the balance.

I use humour as a defence quite a lot and it gets me through (or in trouble!)