No sex, very little affection and now I'm getting gripey with dh...would you be happy with this?

[astmvt]

I feel like I'm being very gripey with dh these days and turning into a nag.

We've been together over 10 years.

He never hugs or kisses me without me asking for one/ initiating it.

He never says I love you without me saying it first, and even then most of the time he can't actually seem to say 'I love you' - has to say some other version like 'love you' at a push.

He has very little sex drive (which I've posted about before on here) - it isn't a physical thing, he has intellectualised the idea of sex and says he thinks it's a stupid concept and a low level human need.

Could I be sexually frustrated and that's making me gripe at him?

Last time we talked about that issue, he said my griping at him wasn't helping as it wasn't sexy. He has in the past said I don't behave sexy.

I think it's more than sex that's the problem. I feel unloved.

I didn't used to be this naggy, grumpy wife. I'm just tired of making do with a friendship when surely I should have more than that in my marriage.

We do get on well e.g. if we go out for a meal we have a good chat. Sometimes we have arguments (we never really used to) and I find dh's emotionless, over intellectualising very difficult. He seems to think that because he doesn't have many emotional needs no one else has either.

Great post TWF.

thank-you

Let him intellectualise this... most adults need and like regular sex, affection and feeling their partner loves them. Even if he doesn't have those feelings (he sounds quasi autistic/aspergers inclined in a sense| then he is the one with the problem and he can still satisfy your needs by doing what most men do - have sex with their wives etc.

Tell him if those needs aren't met he must surely realise on an intellectual level you will not be content and many a spouse will then leave or get it on the side. Presumably you married on the basis you'd continue to have sex so in a sense the agreement between you had been breached by him. There's enough in all this intellectually to see what he ought to be doing. Ask him if intellectually therefore he could cope with you having your emotional and sexual needs met by someone who would be able to meet them like a normal man can. That might make him take the issue seriously.

Our 8 year old ds is being assessed for ASD and it has made me realise that DH most probably is too ( and strangely, his father too ). It is so frustrating to live with someone like this, knowing that they can and will not change. Like you, I started my relationship with him as a young, insecure 20 year old, escaping a painful and turbulant childhood. He was/is safe and steady, just what I needed at the time. 13 years later, and I am a different person, and I have learned that there is more to life, and now I have no idea what I'm going to do.

I think Xenia's idea is a great srategy to try.

Xenia your way of looking at it all does press the right buttons with him but focuses on the sex and I find the lack of physical affection of any type more of an issue. If I suggested I find sex or affection elsewhere he would probably shrug his shoulders.

We had a discussion last night and I've been doing some thinking too. We agreed there is a mismatch between our emotional needs.

He cannot change. He said that if I were to remind him to be more affectionate it might change things for a day or two but then he'd revert back to type, just as if he reminded me to be more chilled out I'd probably revert to type (a fair comment imho).

I asked him what he thought the difference was between us and two good friends and he said the companionship and shared experiences etc.

If I hug him I think he is able to make a tiny bit more effort to actually hug me back - he did today but he can't make himself have that urge to hug or kiss someone he loves in the way I feel. He just doesn't have it.

Are many men like that? I get the impression a fair few are?

So I guess it's up to me to work out whether I can live in a relationship where we are good companions but the classical idea of romance and sensuality is missing.

Annoyingly today he made some comment to some guys we know about another woman at the golf club and then I felt jealous because I never ever get compliments on my appearance.

This sounds like my exH who was very rational and emotionless. Once the children were born he withdrew more or less completely from me physically which actually nearly drove me insane. Lack of regular sex made me very grump and actually my physical health was also at its worst.

It was suggested by a good female friend of his that he might have aspergers.

Since we split he has moved on to new relationship so must have recovered his affection for a while - this is actually his pattern. I was about the third or fourth long term relationship in his life.

What interests me is how this type of man can do enough to 'snare' a woman in the first because they do over and over again. There was affection to begin with although I always found him rather awkward with it but then I stupidly found it endearing. How wrong could I have been.

Ultimately I could not deal with it and that combined with many other things led to our marriage breaking up.

I would have taken a lover if I had had the opportunity towards the end but I don't think it would have bothered him. I think he thought that jealousy was also a irrational emotional concept not for the likes of him.

I was just browsing through and happened across this thread and it totally applies to me.

The things some of you have said about meeting your DH when you needed someone steady and reliable having come from a turbulent family life...that was me. But now I am such a different person and these days I find myself feeling bored with DH. The reliability has a downside, a lack of spontenaeity (sp), excitement and fun.

But DH is a good man/husband/father, we have 2 young DC's, I simply couldn't contemplate splitting up with him, but I am sooooo bored and unfulfilled with him. And if I'm honest I never was, our relationship was never about fun, romance, excitement, it was always, from day 1, steady and reliable.

I find sex boring and DH boring, but what on earth do i do? I doubt if he can change and why should he? It's my fault in a way, i probably should never have got married until i had sorted myself out and recovered from my highly dysfunctional childhood..... but i know that now in hindsight, I had no idea when i got married nearly 8 years ago.

Sorry for the thread hijack..will go now.

Don't think you are thread hijacking, oneplusone - well if you did, I did too! Just adding our experiences and points of view

I would like the opportunity to be able to be myself and live the life I want to, and the chance to meet a man who might lead to a more fulfilled life, but dh hasn't actually done anything wrong, other than be himself, and we have three small children, and the fall-out from being selfish and doing what I really want to do would be huge.

'What interests me is how this type of man can do enough to 'snare' a woman in the first because they do over and over again'.

Probably because there are other women who also find them 'endearing' and want to be 'the one' who finds what is missing and brings it out in him.

"dh hasn't actually done anything wrong, other than be himself, and we have three small children, and the fall-out from being selfish and doing what I really want to do would be huge."

Me too sundays. I think I am beginning to understand now when i hear of women/men leaving their families and running off with the true love of their life. A while ago i would NEVER have considered doing anything like this, but I am approaching 40 and very much aware that we only get one shot at all of this and i don't know if i can bear the thought of living the rest of my life with someone who does nothing for me, just out of a sense of duty and doing the right thing.

I have been secretly telling myself i only have to stay with him til the DC's are older and that made me feel better for a while but now i don't know if i can even do that, it's another 20 years til my youngest will realistically be able to stand on his own 2 feet (ie once he's finished uni); i don't know if i can last that long with DH.

How interesting Wintercity - kind of good to know I'm not alone!
Sometimes I start to doubt myself and wonder whether I'm being too needy expecting a cuddle or whatever.

Sometimes I see couples together and feel really jealous at, say the sight of the man stroking the woman's hair affectionately.

So are there men out there who are faithful, reliable, steady AND affectionate?

Well my DH is definitely NOT ASD, but nor is he as touchy-feely as some of my friends other half's. I think most men don't need / want as much demonstrative affection as most women, sadly

Right, for some reason I had a moment of clarity whilst DS was in the bath!
I do love DH and am going to try damn hard to sort it out. He has been my soul mate and I am going to make a bit more effort with him to see if I can at least nudge him in the direction of being slightly more affectionate and interested.

Obviously if that doesn't work, I'll no doubt find myself upset but I'm going to give it a go.

Good for you astmvt and good luck, I really hope it works out for you.

Try to step away from the idea that there's a 'proper' level of emotional display/frequency of having sex, so it doesn't turn into a matter of you being 'right' (demonstrative, wanting affection) and him being 'wrong' (reserved but not spiteful or unkind). Some people are very emotionally open and need lots of tallk about feelings and affectionate gestures and some such people are in fact a total PITA to be around because it's all such high-level screaming and slobbering and sharing your feelings. If you feel that he is a good and worthwhile partner in other ways ie he is kind and helpful and respects you and treats both you and the DC as human beings not as appendages then you probably need to work on ways of compromising so that you get some of your needs met and he gets some benefit from meeting those needs. Have a talk with him but try to present what you want and what's upsetting you in as logical and mechanical a way as possible (When I have made an extra effort to do something nice for you I would like to be thanked or praised. I would like you to ask me how my day was. Etc) and tell hiim how it will benefit him too -because just asking someone to 'be more loving' can sound like a) whining and b) what's in it for him anyway?
This is not mars&venus bullshit by the way. It's not about gender. It's about working out what you can live with and what you can't, and how much you can reasonably expect a partner to change in order to please you.

Good advice from solidg. I think my ex husband was a bit like this although that was just one of a whole series of things that were dreadful. I'm sure that alone it would not have made me divorce him.

People with aspergers tendencies can be taught how to say and do things that make the other person feel happier even if they don't feel the feelings inside.

By the way I don't think this is the difference between men and women, although in general women do talk more and are more emotional. Plenty of men fall in love and are loving and affectionate. I haven't been out with a single man since my divorce who was anything like my ex husband was. It was as if he went through the motions of being a good father and on a practical level he was in many ways, reliable as clockwork, worked hard etc but you could never see or feel any love whether for me or the children. The fact he can after divorce simply never see the older 3 children kind of confirms the personality type to me.