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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

For the first time ever I am actually angry with my mum

42 replies

OrmIrian · 26/12/2008 17:55

Love mum dearly but she is a bit of a muppet about certain things. I know she likes my DS#1 best (she's said that much before to me) or all my DC. I know that when I was young she preferred db to me - just one of those quietly accepted things. She is sometimes very hard on my DD. But today took the biscuit - I was on the floor at the back of the sitting room playing Moustrap with DD and DS#2 and my dad. Mum was talking to my auntie. Out of the blue the conversation turned to my DD - and there were horrible about her, quite innocent little childish habits were being described as really horrible, nasty character traits. This went on for about 5 mins until I stood up and changed the subject (DD was able to hear but not sure that she heard).

It occurred to me that it is always girls that get the worst of my mum's critisism. My DD, my neice, me (as a child), and my aunt is the same about her GCs. Boys get away with so many things. Including my sons .It makes me so mad. DD is a loving, kind, clever child and does not deserve this. Do I say anything about this and risk a big row or just keep protecting her from the occasional explicit expression of this prejudice?

OP posts:
ShinyPinkShoes · 26/12/2008 17:58

I think this attitude and behaviour needs to be stopped in its tracks before your DD does overhear. This would badly affect her and be potentially damaging to her self esteem

I wouldn't be able to stop myself from confronting them both- away from the children though I have to say.

ilovelovemydog · 26/12/2008 17:58

How old is DD?

I'd just tell her that her grandmother can be rude sometimes, but at least she doesn't have to live with her...

aGalChangedHerName · 26/12/2008 17:59

I would say something(and have done to my mum)

Your dd needs and deserves to know/hear you sticking up for her. She is entitled to that isn't she?

I speak as someone who has a db who was a favourite

Original poster
OrmIrian · 26/12/2008 17:59

I don't think DD is clearly aware - in terms of what granny says. But she has to be aware of a general reuction in enthusiasm towards her compared to her DBs. But I can't change the way my mum feels really just what she says

OP posts:
NAB3hundredChristmaslights · 26/12/2008 18:00

Well your mother and aunt must have got it from somewhere, and carried it on with their children, and now another girl is suffering. You have to put a stop to it.

I have had it out with my MIL as she favoured my boys and I wasn't having it. I had known the whole of my life I was the wrong sex. No way was my DD thinking it too.

MatNanPlusTINSEL · 26/12/2008 18:01

I would mention to your mum but would also prime DD so if she hears things she will have the knowledge to be less hurt by it.

cornsilk · 26/12/2008 18:02

My mum does this. Could one of your brothers or sisters have a word with her for you? I told my mum she was being rude about my nephew the other week. She was calling him lazy etc as he hasn't worked since leaving college in July. However she seems to ignore that one of her other grandchildren (female and pretty etc) hasn't worked since leaving college the year earlier. I pointed this out to her and she blustered for a bit. It's better coming from someone else if possible.

bellavita · 26/12/2008 18:03

For you Orm .

FWIW I had issues with my Mum last night, she was ultra cool with me at breakfast this morning!

bigTillyMint · 26/12/2008 18:08

My mum does this, but it is DD who is the favoured one.

He can see it a mile off.

He doesn't like Grandma. And I don't blame him

Carmenere · 26/12/2008 18:09

I would use the eternally useful phrase 'you can think what you like but you cannot criticise my dd and certainly not when she or I are within earshot'

piscesmoon · 26/12/2008 18:11

I would say something to her and stop her from doing it.

MadamDeathstarOverBethlehem · 26/12/2008 18:14

I would be humiliated if I overheard a much loved relative talking about me in that way, especially as a child as I would not have the confidence or ability to stand up for myself in a mature, assertive fashion.

Children do notice favoritism like this. They might not pick up that it is gender related, just that it is not fair. Your mother might not realise she is doing it. She may just deny everything and say you are being over-sensitive if you confront her with it now.

The next time it happens say something good about your DD and the subject immediately. If they will not be diverted send the children out of the room and tell them that if they want to talk about your children behind your back, they need to actually be out of the room and out of your earshot as their mother. If they start on about you being over-sensitive, repeat back to them exactly what they said. Ask them how they would feel when someone says it about them.

This makes me so . My DM is a fairly strict grandmother but she would never make my children feel belittled in such a nasty way. You have my sympathy because it is such a hard problem to deal with, and talking to your mother probably would lead to a big row with you being portrayed as unreasonable and super-sensitive.

MatNanPlusTINSEL · 26/12/2008 18:15

Tilly

good idea Carmenere

gagarin · 26/12/2008 18:15

Sometimes people just value one sex over another so whatever you did as a child would not be as good as your db - and your dd is in the same boat.

IMO "older" more traditional generations tend to look favourably upon boys and value boys more then girls. And old people dont hold back in commenting in aloud voice about grandchildren etc !

But IMO current society tends to demonise boys and "boyish" behaviour - so your dd will do just fine.

Have a conversation (in passing - sometime...don't make it a big deal..) with your dd about how in the olden days because girls didn't have jobs outside the home and earn money (blah blah blah...) they were seen as of less value. Mention to her about how your mother favoured your brother and tell her that may still be what grandma thinks under it all as she is very old and rather out of touch (!). I expect there are things grandma can't do that your dd can (like computers?) so she can understand your mother is rather old and out of it with some things.

But now girls work and do all sorts of exciting jobs like astronauts/docotrs/police etc as well as having children and supporting families they are just as valued as boys - in fact maybe more so!

A gentle introduction to feminism with your daughter rather than a confrontation with your mother is prob the route to follow.

MadamDeathstarOverBethlehem · 26/12/2008 18:17

By strict grandmother, I mean DM sees clearly what faults the DCs have, doesn't think the Sun shines from a portion of their anatomy and has fairly high standards of how she thinks they should behave which they don't always meet. She certainly does not show favoritism and takes considerable effort to not accidentally show some when none is meant e.g. when buying presents.

Lizzylou · 26/12/2008 18:19

My Maternal GM used to go on about how my DB was here favourite, used to rile me up no end, but then, I always preferred my GF anyway, prob v obviously.

My Paternal GM obviously favours my eldest (Half)brother. My Dad goes on about it all the time. She is still lovely to me, and my DC, but I get annoyed with my Dad banging on about it all the time.

If any of my relatives were like this, discussing/slating any of my DC then I'm sorry I would have to put them straight.
I can't believe they were in earshot of not just you but also your DD^.

MadamDeathstarOverBethlehem · 26/12/2008 18:23

When it happens again, say loudly "We can hear you, you know".

hatwoman · 26/12/2008 18:26

I agree that one way or another you should tackle this. it's difficult for us to know, from a distance, what approach would work - humour, a quiet talk, directly challenging what she says when she says it - tbh only you know your mum in enough detail to know which is best, but I do think you shouldn;t let it lie. the kind of thing you described - making a big deal out or normal childhood habits - would be the kind of thing for me that I'd go for the direct and immediate challenge - not aggressively - a firm but friendly "oh stop making a fuss that's perfectly ordinary behaviour for a 9 year old" followed by some sort of digression

hatwoman · 26/12/2008 18:28

madamdeathstar has given me another idea - a counter attack "oh dd, don;t you think granny's manners need brushing up? fancy saying rude things about someone when they can hear. You;d never do that, would you...."

Original poster
OrmIrian · 26/12/2008 20:16

Thankyou all.

"The next time it happens say something good about your DD and the subject immediately."

That is what I tend to do. But having heard my mother and her sister cackling like old witches about my lovely girl I do wonder if I need to be proactive.

I know that they both has terrible childhoods, uncared for by those who should have done so and could have done so, and over the years I have felt for my mum and was angry on her behalf, but I don't want her to damage my daughter in the way she was (as to a lesser extent was I).

She is emotionally as fragile as cut glass so will need to tread carefully.

Bugger it !

OP posts:
MadamDeathstarOverBethlehem · 26/12/2008 20:41

for you OrmIrian, that you have to deal with the results of abuse from a generation ago.

If it helps, I think where family loyalties are divided, my children would always take precedence over my parents. Children need an adult to speak for them and protect them and it is my duty as a mother to do that for them.

It still sucks though.

PurpleOne · 26/12/2008 23:42

Do not assume they can't hear anything.

My exh got married 3 yrs ago, when my DD2 was 7 yrs old. She hears a lot about new wife slagging me off, and she always tells me. Last time it happened, DD1 and DD2 came storming out of his house and got the bus home and cried here.

Makes me feel like fucking shit it does. We've been through DV but I left when DD1 was 6 yrs old.

DO NOT EVER ASSUME THE KIDS CAN'T HEAR!

Think of thier confidence and self esteem. My DD2 often talks of killing herself.

PurpleOne · 26/12/2008 23:43

And no, I don't talk to my parents anymore either. They have been in touch this Xmas but I have blanked them off like they have blanked us for the last 16 months. It is easy to do.....

Astarte · 26/12/2008 23:47

I'm not sure i'd allow my mum to have any kind of access to my kids if she was like this OrmIrian

VeniVidiVickiQV · 26/12/2008 23:50

I'd have a word with your mum asap and tell her that whilst she is entitled to have her own opinion, when it comes to your children she keeps it to herself, and treats the children as the equal individuals they are.

Personally, i'd be unable to keep quiet and say in mock shock (and my mother is fragile too but displays similar traits) "goodness, do you behave like this because your own mother did the same to you?" but i'm quite combative when it comes to favouritism of my children displayed by other family members.

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