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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What do you do/how do you cope with Christmas when the you hate the man you are with, but are completely stuck with each other?

43 replies

PanicPants · 23/12/2008 21:01

Dh and I are not in a good place with each other. The relationship is well and truely over, but we have a 3 year old ds.

Ds refuses to leave, either ds or the house, and the same with me. Neither of us can afford to rent on our own, all our money is tied up with the house..which has so many problems (damp etc) it would be impossible to sell.

I just don't know what to do. I've never had such strong emotions about anyone before, but I literally hate him. he critisizes everthing I do, or don't do, is rude, and is just such a horrible man (Of course I'm biased..he's probably lovely outside the house). We no longer share a bed. At first it was the odd night, and now it's everynight dh sleeps in the spare room.

I'm in tears all the time, ds has social problems which I think has contributed to mine and ds's relationship breakdown, which in turn has probably fed back into ds' behaviour.

When it's just ds and me, which is 90percent of the time, ds is lovley, but the minute dp comes home from work Ds' behaviour changes.

I just want to get out of this relationship and don't know what to do.

OP posts:

QueenEagle · 23/12/2008 21:06

OMG Panicpants - I could have just written your OP.

I am hating Xmas this year. Last year dh didn't buy me anything at all which just topped off a shit year for us and was the final nail in the coffin as far as our marriage was concerned.

I too feel stuck with dh but for differetn reasons - childcare is the major thing for me as I work full time and I need him to do his bit with this. However, I have made my mind up - I will be making this the last Xmas we spend together as I too am on the verge of hating him every time I look at him. Xmas Day will be unbearable and I feel so low right now.

Do what I have been advised to do - go and see a solicitor and see what your options are and where you stand financially. Tell your dh that if he does not move out you will take legal action. You will survive, at the minute it all seems like it could never be alright - but trust me, it will one way or another. It's taking that first step...something I am going to do as soon as the Xmas period is over.

Good luck, I feel for you right now.

stitch · 23/12/2008 21:13

are yousure you are not me?
i hate christmas for the same reason. itis enforced togetherness. i can cope when itis not christmas, as we just dont interact with each other, but christmas is a night mare.
no good suggestions for christamas at all, but otherwise, just have lots of plans and activities that dont involve him. and if possible, get a job with long working hours.

moyasmum · 23/12/2008 21:44

bump

SleighGirl · 23/12/2008 21:46

Can you call a truce? Sit down as say we both want the best for ds so can we both be pleasant, polite and nice to each other as if we were people sharing a house?

If you have seperate rooms & seperate lives then what is a bit of politeness etc towards each other if you both agree on tring it?

Original poster

PanicPants · 23/12/2008 21:53

Dp has the job with the long working hours, while I work 2 days a week and the other time with ds.

Yes, the politness will be the only way forward, but I just wish he didn't excist anymore. Just can't believe this is what life has come to.

He makes it so hard to be polite to, he has just ground down on my foot with his heel, leaving a bruise on the top of my foot (we were arguing) and I just can't stand to be in the same room as him anymore

OP posts:

brazenhussy · 23/12/2008 21:57

You know as scary as it might seem to be a lone parent, the reality is nowhere near as bad as you imagine.

I was unhappy in my marriage for 5 years, same story, my DH wouldn't move out and I couldn't (I'm a childminder so obviously work from home and have 4 DC)
The thought of being on my own with the children terrified me. I had never even paid a bill in all my adult life and had never had to worry about money.
I felt the same about my DH. I couldn't bear to even be in the same room as him. We rowed constantly about everything from me going out with my friend to how late the children should stay up.
It got to the stage where either he took the children away on holiday or I took them as the thought of going on holiday with him made me so depressed for weeks running up to it.

In October this year my DH found out I was having an affair and he walked out, moving back to his parents.
I can honestly say that it was the best thing that has ever happened to me. The children and I are so happy and relaxed and the house runs so smoothly.
I had no idea the toll my DH and I were putting on the DC by constantly arguing and bickering or not even speaking for days on end.

It's not easy as a lone parent but the feelings of relief and happiness it gives you makes it all worthwhile.

I have coped like you ladies for countless christmases - dreading the time spent at home with him, facing his relatives etc and can't urge you enough to let this be the last time you have to face it. Living alone with my children has been the most liberating thing ever.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 23/12/2008 22:09

pp, he has assaulted you

what are you going to do about that ?

has this happened before ?

this kind of insidious threat of violence makes me feel fucking sick

keep a diary of similar abusive behaviour, you can get the twat out if needs be

ljwolfe2 · 23/12/2008 22:10

I am in the same situation. My partner constantly critizies everything I do or say and just lectures me all the time. I have got to the stage where I basically can't stand him anywhere near me. We to sleep in seperate beds and moments of passion forget it! My problem is I am totally dependent on him financially. I have decided that after christmas I am going to go to my local council and ask them for housing. There must be thousands of people in this situation. We need to be strong and put ourselves first for a change!

SleighGirl · 23/12/2008 22:14

file for divorce perhaps and make the separation formal?

mamalovesmincepiesANDmojitos · 23/12/2008 22:15

oh pp, anyfucker is right. he has just assaulted you. this is a whole different story.

really and truly i hope this is the first time, though i have a feeling that perhaps it is not? i would lose the plot if somebody did that to me.

anyfucker's idea of keeping diary is also spot on.

in addition i completely agree with brazenhussy, the peace and quiet and safety and satisfaction of living with your dcs and not a man that you hate is fantastic. worth all the extra work and budgeting.

i feel terribly sorry for you being so sad at xmas time. hang in there.

constancereader · 23/12/2008 22:15

pp - he ground down your foot with his heel? WTF, that is assault. You should not have to put up with that. Has he hit you before?

dittany · 23/12/2008 22:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 23/12/2008 22:21

pp, inform the police if he attacks you similarly again

constancereader · 23/12/2008 22:22

does he treat you like that in front of your ds?

brazenhussy · 23/12/2008 22:25

ljwolfe2 - don't worry about your finances, there is so much help to be had. Contact your local Lone parent advisor you can get the number by calling 0800 055 6688.
My hubby left on the sunday and my benefits were in place by the Wednesday. If I can do this having never fended for myself before, you can too.

Jazzicatz · 23/12/2008 22:28

I too could be you op. DP has arrived back home pissed again and spent ages in the kitchen cooking himself something then come into the sitting room and got all snippy and nasty. We don't share a bed he actually repulses me and I feel totally trapped. I just want christmas over so life gets back to normal, all this pretending everything is fine is killing me!

Desiderata · 23/12/2008 22:30

The trouble is the PP has no money.

With no money, you can't do diddly squat.

I was in an abusive relationship for ten years. Do you know why I didn't leave?

Because my mother was dead and my father was disinterested. And at the time, I didn't even have kids. I had no money or relations. There was nowhere else I could go.

When you see threads like this, please understand that 'just fucking leave him', doesn't work in reality. Leaving someone often means living on the streets.

SparklyBaubleFeast · 23/12/2008 22:33

i think the thought of christmas brings it home to a lot of people. try and be happy for the children and get on with your life

SparklyBaubleFeast · 23/12/2008 22:34

the first week in january is the busiest time for divorce lawyers - understandably perhaps

BitOfFunUnderTheMistletoe · 23/12/2008 22:55

I couldn't see a way out with my ex, but with working 16 hrs, the tax credits cover the mortgage, wages the rest. I get nowt from him, but I manage, and the relief was AMAZING!! Lone parent helpline and womens aid great suggestions- there is hope, honestly, and I promise you it gets so much better x x x

UnfortunatelyMe · 23/12/2008 22:59

If there is no way back you need to look at your options.
www.entitledto.co.uk

ljwolfe2 · 23/12/2008 23:03

brazenhussy, I will get xmas over with first, thank god, and then I will contact who you suggested, Thanks. Panic pants, get in touch with your local council because they will rehouse you asap if domestic violence is involved.

ljwolfe2 · 23/12/2008 23:03

aseriouslyblondemoment · 24/12/2008 00:17

pp you really do need to make an appointment with a solicitor a priority once you get Xmas out of the way.You will be able to get legal aid from what youve said and that first hours worth of advice will help you understand that there is a way forward it isnt easy by any means but it is the way forward.You shouldnt have to put up with this sham of a marriage and its effect on you and your ds.
your story reads so horribly familiar to me thou my exh didnt assault me physically i still bear the mental pain he caused me.we separated 18 months ago,thou selfishly he stayed in the house for another 11 months of sheer hell and stress which only prolonged the agony for the dc.The day he left was one of the highlights of my year!!
The family home is still for sale and yes youll be in the same boat as me trying to sell yours,can you call in any favours to try to do some odd jobs round the house to make it appear more saleable?
I suppose all i can really say now is to hang on in there and make that appointment and keep us posted.and yes Xmas will be grim but just look one year down the line and resolve to make next years the one you can look forward to X

findtheriver · 24/12/2008 10:46

None of this is going to be easy, but you need to make the decision now that things will change.

The situation is intolerable.

It will involve making changes to your lifestyle, but that's inevitable. You say you work only two days a week, so you may well need to work full time to support yourself, but that never killed anyone.

see a solicitor, tell your partner this is the last Christmas you will spend under the same roof, and that for everyone's sake things must change.

Be realistic - you cannot wipe this man out of your life (you mention that you wish he would just cease to exist). He will always be your son's father. And presumably four years ago you weren't feeling the same way about him, as you chose to have a child together. You cannot wipe him out of your life - he will have rights to spend time with his son too.

But you need to take action now to move on from this unbearable situation.

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