What do you do/how do you cope with Christmas when the you hate the man you are with, but are completely stuck with each other?

[PanicPants]

Dh and I are not in a good place with each other. The relationship is well and truely over, but we have a 3 year old ds.

Ds refuses to leave, either ds or the house, and the same with me. Neither of us can afford to rent on our own, all our money is tied up with the house..which has so many problems (damp etc) it would be impossible to sell.

I just don't know what to do. I've never had such strong emotions about anyone before, but I literally hate him. he critisizes everthing I do, or don't do, is rude, and is just such a horrible man (Of course I'm biased..he's probably lovely outside the house). We no longer share a bed. At first it was the odd night, and now it's everynight dh sleeps in the spare room.

I'm in tears all the time, ds has social problems which I think has contributed to mine and ds's relationship breakdown, which in turn has probably fed back into ds' behaviour.

When it's just ds and me, which is 90percent of the time, ds is lovley, but the minute dp comes home from work Ds' behaviour changes.

I just want to get out of this relationship and don't know what to do.

None of this is going to be easy, but you need to make the decision now that things will change.

The situation is intolerable.

It will involve making changes to your lifestyle, but that's inevitable. You say you work only two days a week, so you may well need to work full time to support yourself, but that never killed anyone.

see a solicitor, tell your partner this is the last Christmas you will spend under the same roof, and that for everyone's sake things must change.

Be realistic - you cannot wipe this man out of your life (you mention that you wish he would just cease to exist). He will always be your son's father. And presumably four years ago you weren't feeling the same way about him, as you chose to have a child together. You cannot wipe him out of your life - he will have rights to spend time with his son too.

But you need to take action now to move on from this unbearable situation.

Thankyou everyone, couldn't believe the amount of messages when I logged on today.

Also can't believe how many women are in the same boat as me

Dh has hurt me in small ways before, he has pushed me down onto the floor a few times, leaving bruises on my arms, (once was the day before we got married so my wedding photos have bruises in them, he has once punched me in the face as well, but no lasting damage) However, he is quite sly about it, and says no one would believe me if i told anyone.

This is all fairly recent, only in the last 6 months or so

Think I will go and see a solicitor in thenew year, although dh says he will take ds if i push to separate, and that he'll tell everyone I amnot fit to have ds, due to me having PND when ds was born (despite me being off AD for over 2 years and feeling fine 0

if at all possible go to the gp today show your foot with bruise and have your bruise recorded as domestic violence - takes pics with your camera too...

and start a log/diary of these incidents including all verbal attacks.

go see solicitor in new year.

is hard and takes a long time. i moved out with kids thinking he would get message and be nice act resonable in order to see his children but it made no difference to his behaviour. now after court hearings is on supervised contact order.

Be rational about this.

Who (if it ever comes to that, which it won't) are the SS likely to leave a child with - a mother with a history of depression or a father with a history of violence?

I know the answer to that. I checked the answer to that our 3 years ago. It wasn't his fault he had a history of violence. He wouldn't BE violent if I didn't wind him up, nagging him about money all the time (like "Please please pay the rent when you say you will this time. Please give me some money to buy some things for the new baby,, we've got nothing. Where have your wages gone from Friday - it's only Sunday, what do you mean you've no money for formula?"). I was an unreasonable control freak. Nobody would leave a baby with me.

So he said. So when I read the 'abusive behaviors list' on the Womens aid website, I was surprised to see that actually, depression is a rational response to a miserable life. Hitting someone isn't.

He won't be allowed to take any children away from you so do not let that be the thing that stops you.

I know you're thinking - it's not that bad, only a bruise, there's nothing even there now - but it IS that bad, it's so bad he's got you thinking it's ok to hit someone but not to be depressed about being in a relationship with someone who hits you!

click here for real practical help

They are good. Ring them if you can. Use a phone box if you have to.

If you are DS's main or full-time carer then given that you are his mum, I'm sure you would get residence of your DS if you were to separate from your H.

Do go and see a solicitor in the New Year. If you do qualify for Legal Aid that does put you in a position of strength.

Good luck, and take care of yourself. H sounds scary .

hang on in there and rise above all the crap that hes saying to you.Be strong you can get through it no matter how bleak it looks now xx

he punched you in the face but there is no lasting damage ??

yes, there is

it may no longer be visible, but the damage to your mind, your heart and your soul will never fade

what would be your advice to a daughter of yours if she tells you this in 20 yrs time ?

please, kick-start your self-esteem and sort this out, get some help, keep a diary of all physical and verbal abuse

log every episode with your gp and/or the police, it may be useful evidence later

tell your family and friends, don't sweep it under the carpet, you have nothing to ashamed of

also, please please be careful

if he sees you are taking positive action (he will see it as "against" him, not "for" you, of course), the violence may worsen

make sure there is somewhere you can go at short notice (and you are prepared), if needs be

PP, that was the same line my ex gave me.
I had a serious history of mental health problems, numerous suicide attempts including one that resulted in kidney failure when DD was 6 months old.
The difference is he was abusive, I was not.
Go to the police. Call them now.
Explain he is using these threats.
He cannot take DS and the authorities are aware that abusers use this kind of threat.
Most of all call woman's aid before your DS learns to accept this as a normal way for a man to treat his wife.
Good luck.

The thing is, I do provoke him verbally, so perhaps I've made him seem worse than he is. I don't want to take ds away from him, just don't want to be with him or live in the same house as him iyswim.

Sorry to say but that's a typical reply.
I'm sure anyone on here that has been abused would say the same.
I behave pretty much the same way now as I did when I was with XP with my current partner. In fact I do less for him and take less shit from him.
He doesn't behave that way.
You know why? Because it was my ex with the problem, not me.

pp, if I "provoked" my dh "verbally", he would get very angry, of course he would (I can be an utter bitch tbh)

but, he would walk away, go for a run, go to work, leave the house, whatever

he would not assault me

it is not ok, and never justified

Panicpants-Please do get some help. And please do come back here for support!
I was reading this because I too am dreading spending xmas with DH. I have to go and face his family today after he cooly said to me last night (DS is 8 months, teething is v bad and he's a bad sleeper so we don't have loads of sex...some, but not loads)"I can't possibly wait around for you to get your libido back. I think I should be allowed to sleep with other people. Or maybe we should just have seperate lives if you are content with just being a mum as I'm not content being just a dad." He refuses to lift a finger round the house or with DS and thinks I am a bitch for going to bed early.

read my most recent thread

RJBIS-Thanks. Wewent for initial session right before DS was born and he has made excuses not to go back. He has said that if we do split he will not leave. We can't afford to pay for two lives. At this point I don't know why I care so much about him sleeping with other people. Am not convinced I really love him anymore and it would at least mean he'd stop being horrible, critical and I could get some sleep...