So how do you survive Xmas when the ex is coming for the day?

[aseriouslyblondemoment]

So am i really the only one who is tired of hearing 'that its all for the childrens'sake'....

personally I wouldn't have considered having him over for 1 second.
The children will have a lovely christmas day with me and their grandparents. Then they will go with ex to his parents on boxing day.
We AREN'T a family anymore, unfortunately.

sadly my exh still has his foot in the door at my parents so was invited and I was told later!!oh tis the season to be jolly NOT!!

My father(divorced from my mother when I was 3) used to come to my mothers house for boxing day up until about 4 years ago (I'm 32),I guess it was kept up as some wierd 'tradition'

Odd situation but they seem to just get on with it and almost became friends over the years.

Bit difficult if the split is still raw I'd imagine.

I just feel p'd off that my mother feels so sorry for him!Im over him a long time ago but tbh I think it gives my dc the wrong message and its me who has to then pick up the pieces especially with my eldest who cant accept the situation.

I wouldn't have the ex over at christmas tbh

You have to genuinely be on really good, friendly co-operative terms to be able to do that. I can imagine it working if both of you had really genuinely got beyond all the hooha of breaking up and were genuinely friends (it does happen). But if not, it's just spoiling your christmas and saying it's all for the children's sake is simply trying to guilt trip you into agreeing imo.

stay at home for the day?

how about arrive late and leave early and have a fun morning and evening at home with the children? Plan next year early. Good luck!

aseriouslyblondemoment - you have my sympathies, as I invited mine over (for ds's sake) when I felt ok but now seriously regret it.

At least it will only be for a couple of hours, and then christmas can really begin...

Oh God, have done the same as ratbunny. Keep telling myself it'll be ok, and it's only for this year. First Christmas since separation and neither of us could bear not being with the DCs. Best behaviour all the way!

It's how to make sure he actually leaves without me being actually rude that's worrying me. Can't keep looking at my watch all afternoon, he will probably just settle into the sofa and wait till I kick him out ...

fairytale - I think I am going to ask him to leave at a predetermined time. Its going to be hard to keep civil tbh, but I will have my family over too so dont really need to talk to him much...

my family would have much more difficulty being civil to my ex than I would!

oh god so theres lots of us in the same boat!No I'm well and truly sick of it all and whats supposed to be a happy family time will be ruined by his presence for me.What will be particularly nauseating will be his 'what a great father i am' act and his general cosying up to my mother grr who treats him like hes still her son-in-law!!I mean she even had the audacity to ask me what hed like for Xmas as if id bloody care lol!!

Oh you could be me, seriouslyblonde! My ex is still treated like part of the family & will be at my parents for Christmas day, despite us separating over 2 years ago & me having a new partner! I understand he will want to see the boys, but my children get confused with it all too, and my poor partner has to accept that ex H is still treated like golden boy.
my parents have apparently bought him a new camera for Christmas & on Boxing day (when ex H has boys & I am spending time with my DP) he is going round to my sister's with my family!!

how nice for you NOT!!god what is it with 'well meaning' parents?Why on earth do they do it?Your NP must be a really understanding man.So what have your parents bought him for Xmas then?And your ex still has a foot firmly in your sister's door too oh god this is just too awful to imagine.I suggest you drink lots of your nickname to get you through the day I know I will be!!and lets hope theyll be sat at opposite ends of the table too

Can I just say something from a different point of view? My parents separated when I was 10 and my Mum invited my Dad to spend Boxing Day with us every year until I was 18, by which time she felt, rightly, that if we wanted to see him, both my younger sister and I were able to do so independantly of her. I realise how difficult it was for both of them, but actually, more so for my Dad, because usually when he came to the house, my DSD was also there. However, as a child, I loved having my Dad there for Boxing Day. I appreciated the effort he made, to come all that was by public transport, leaving his new family on their own for the day. For the xpartners in a relationship, it must be difficult to cope with the situation, but the relationship problems were between the two of you and not (usually) the PILs or the children and you can't expect them to feel the same way about your x partner as you do. I am not saying you are wrong to feel p**d off, but just asking you to try to see it from the children's point of view.

I am in the same boat. Recently separated and X will be at mine for the start of Xmas day before I take the kids to my folks for lunch. Am dreading it. Have just finished wrapping presents. Lots under the tree, but nothing for me this year Have bought myself a camera though so I can take some pictures if the kids

I do understand that it is nice for the boys, and am ok with him being about tomorrow as the boys will obviously want to see him Christmas day & he them, but it is the intense relationship he still has with my family that can be tough. He is out with my dad & BIL tonight, and my new partner has only met them twice, despite us being together over 16 months! At first dad said he would never accept another man I went out with, so this is progress!
I do understand it is tough for the family, but it has also been tough for DP & myself. He is a lovely understanding man (DP), but it has got to him at times.

Mum has bought DP a bottle of aftershave this year, and last year ex H got a £500 cheque from them, so things are getting better!

sayiyhowitis I fully appreciate what you are trying to say and I can see it from my dc point of view obviously its hard for them really very hard.If he were a reasonable man then this wouldnt have become the major issue that it now is.Hes my exh for a reason and maybe i should have been more forthcoming with my parents about this and perhaps they would then be more sympathetic towards me and my feelings.Sounds selfish and harsh to some yes i agree but as the mum left with the day to day responsibilities of raising her dc Ive found that considering my own feelings and needs must come into play here.
Elastamum youre another to come and join me in spirit for a lge glass tomorrow!!but we will get through this

just seen your post pinkchampagne and i can understand your frustration.My parents would also be uneasy with me having a new relationship and would probably be unwilling to even meet a NP,this is especially hard as I have moved on and met somebody and although its early days their constant pandering to the exh will do nothing to help my dc warm to their mum's new bloke.
blimey,two meetings in sixteen months lol!!

I think those of you who spend the day with your ex's are better people than me because I could never ever do it.

Xp will come here at around 10am to bring their presents and hopefully only stay for an hnour max and thats it.

He always ruined xmas day when we were together by being grumpy, miserable and picking at every little thing the kids did. There is no way i'd let him spend the day with us now.

Illegally brunette good for you!!
My exh always ruined things and still does with his general unpleasantness towards both me and the dc.He has them most w/e and they rarely return happy.

asbm, I can understand that sometimes relationships do break down and that often/usually, it is because of the unreasonableness(?) of one partner and that is often the man. I am not saying that your feelings should be sidelined, merely that in some cases, the adults, (all of them) need to consider the children's actual feelings, not the feelings that the adults project onto them. I am not saying you are doing this, but I knw many cases where it does happen. And whatever the recieved wisdom, I know that for many many years, my sister and I were convinced that it was us who were the cause of my parents marriage breakdown. It was really only after I was married that I was able to really talk to my parents about it and truly realised that it was nothing to do with us at all. The sad thing was that after my mum stopped inviting my Dad to our home, she then began to try and stop us seeing him. She reasoned that she had done her duty until we were adults but that then we should take her side and cut him out. I didn't, my sister did. I was fortunate enough to maintain a wonderful relationship with my Dad for over 30 years after their split, until his death a couple of years ago. But that was despite my mum in later years, not because of her. Actually, it was partly down to my fantastc step dad, who insisted I stand up to her over the issue. He had no real relationship with his own children, (they were adults at the time his marriage to their mother broke down) and insisted on respecting the relationship I had with my Dad. Is it any wonder I count myself lucky that I had 2 fantastic dads? sadly both passed on now, but because of the things they taught me, they are always with me.
I am just asking that you don't fall into the hole my mum dug for herself, because it is so easy.

I hope that whatever you all do, it goes well and that nobody's Christmas is spoilt.

Scratchy toilet paper and senna in his coffee - that's how

I sympathise with all those having to put up with XPs at Xmas. Would it help to regard your XP as, not-an-XP but as an annoying family member that you don't care for but will tolerate for the day because it's Xmas? Because basically that's what an ex-who-is-the-other-parent-of-DC IS - a family member you don't have to like.

This obviously doesn't apply to XPs who are violent or psychologically abusive or who fecked off with your life savings but if the reason they are XPs is because your couple-relationship broke down, even if it was because the other person was an arse, think through your family members and see if there aren't one or two others who drive you nuts (bigoted cousin, flatulent smutt-joke-telling uncle, malevolent witch of a gran etc).

sayithowitis i can appreciate what youre saying and i would never stop my dc from having a relationship with their father.He is an integral part of their lives it is just so upsetting to see how he treats them though and because i have tried to do the right thing by not fully discussing things with my parents they still see him as some kind of saint.
But thank you and i hope you too have a lovely day tomorrow