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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Another Affair

32 replies

emms10 · 21/12/2008 22:19

I have have just discovered my DP had an affair last year - it started after our honeymoon and ended 3 months later when I got pregnant, I only know this because he rushed out last night and left his email open, I had been feeling like something was wrong for a long time ( I would never normally look) anyway I found a history of emails from the 1st meeting until she left her job (they worked together) what upsets me more than anything is the way he spoke to her how affectionate he was, how much he wanted her and the plans they wanted to make together - he is adamant that it never went further than drinks and emails but I am not sure, I was so upset it is diffilcult to remember everything I read but I am sure he wanted it to work more than her and was asking her to dinner and to go to paris for 3 nights and they only split because I got pregnant and she went back to her bf but he says it was just flirting that got out of hand and that nothing happened, I can't imagine having to bring up our DS on my own but I hate my DP I don't think I could ever trust him again (he is out of the country every week for at least one night) I don't know what to do I can't even talk to him it is to painful and with xmas this week I am at a loss of what to do

OP posts:
WeWishEWEaMerryXmas · 21/12/2008 22:21

Oh Emms, how horrid for you hugs

I think you probably need to look at some sort of counselling and explain to your DP that you need 100% honesty from him, even if it is not what you want to hear.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 21/12/2008 22:22

Emms, you poor, poor thing. I feel so for you. What a shite time of year for this to happen, I just can't imagine it, I am so sorry.

I can't believe he was so careless as to leave his incriminating emails open. Do you think he MEANT you to see them, to get it out in the open?

WeWishEWEaMerryXmas · 21/12/2008 22:22

Ooops did not mean that to be a link!

Original poster
emms10 · 21/12/2008 22:28

Thats what I have been thinking I always believe things happen for a reason, I have been trying to find who she is all day without DP knowledge - I think I have found out were she works and I am going to call her tomorrow - I know that I have to speak to her - I will only then know if he is lieing I am not sure he will ever be honest he has to much to lose - he loves our DS to bits

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 22/12/2008 09:03

so sorry emms, what a an awful thing to discover so close to xmas (or any other time for that matter)

lunamoon2 · 22/12/2008 09:29

Sorry to hear what he has done. I agree that you should seek some kind of counselling even if you have to go alone.
I would also ring the other woman, she does seam pretty decent if she finished whatever was going on when she found out you were pregnant.
x

chrimbospirit · 22/12/2008 09:37

So sorry - even if you call her I doubt you will get the truth from either of them. Only ask questions that you can deal with the answers. If it was me I would assume they slept together - kick him out the bedroom and send him to the gu clinic. When you are over the shock then think what you want to do - don't be pressurised by xmas. xxx

ladylush · 22/12/2008 09:55

So sorry to hear this I agree that the ow may not be honest. I rang the ow when my h cheated, expecting her to be honest and actually she was more dishonest than him! After I got off the phone h told me she was lying and then finally started telling me the truth. A real eye-opener. I don't want to speculate and make things worse but I doubt it was just emails and phonecalls if he invited her to Paris for a few days.

honestfriend · 22/12/2008 10:19

Personally, I don't think you would gain anything by speaking to her- assuming she is even willing to talk to you, which she may well not be.
In addition she may tell you a pack of lies- and say what you w ant to hear.

I know that you are desperate to know the truth, but I doubt it will come from her.

Hard as it might be, can't you put it behind you- and work on what you now? he has stayed with you, and 3 months is not a long affair. I know time doesn't make that much difference, but he did stay with you, and has done since. How long ago was it now?

I would advise you to stop picking over what happened and get him to agree to couples counselling via Relate after Christmas.

Good luck!

ladylush · 22/12/2008 10:26

But hf, sometimes one needs to know the ins and outs of what went on before they can move on.

honestfriend · 22/12/2008 10:35

You are not listening- she may not find out the real ins and outs) Not a very good choice of works!)

honestfriend · 22/12/2008 10:36

works= words

Original poster
emms10 · 22/12/2008 10:48

thank you for your advice I feel so upset I cant get anything straight in my head - we talked last night and he was adamant again nothing happened - I just feel sick when I remember what he wrote and I don't know if i can move past that - i want to but i also don't think I can stay with him - i cant imagine how i am going to cope on my own - i can't get hold of her - I rang the company she moved to and her dept no longer exists and she no longer works there - the mobile number i have goes straight to voice mail (i am not 100% that it is hers anyway) I know I should move on and I need some space to clear my head but how can I do that when i don't know what really happened - I don't believe DH will ever be honest with me and how can I live with someone like that - he said it happened because we were going through a rough time!!! BS!! what will happen next time there r always going to be rough times???? why r men so weak

OP posts:
ladylush · 22/12/2008 10:53

Honestfriend I am listening, but you have misunderstood me. You asked Emms whether she could put it behind her. What I meant was, she may not be able to without seeking those answers. Yes of course he may lie. He may never tell her the truth. If my h had continued to lie to me, we would not be together now. Fact.
Anyway, her recent post illustrates my point.

Emms - so sorry you are going through this Especially at this time of year.

honestfriend · 22/12/2008 11:07

No- you misunderstood me- she was posting about phoning the OW- my post was about that- the OW may not want to talk to her, and even if she does she may not be truthful.

I know it is everyone's wish to "clear the air" before they can start over, but the other parties may not be willing to do so, and then you are still left with that horrible "don't know" feeling.

ladylush · 22/12/2008 11:17

You advised her to stop picking over what had happened. Whether it comes from h or ow, she wants to know what happened. I can understand that completely. Anyway, Emms what are you going to do next? Just a thought, have you thought about emailing your h? I know that sounds weird, but h found it very difficult to talk to me because I was so furious with him so he used to communicate with me by email a lot. I got a lot of info that way.

Original poster
emms10 · 22/12/2008 11:19

have just emailed her - I think I found her on face book via a friend of my DH - she is nothing to look at!!! anyway have emailed her asking if she worked at his company and which dept but with no ref to DH - just to make sure she is the right person before I email her properly (I know I sound mad but I don't care I can't get hold of her any other way - so will have to see if she knows who I am and ignores or responds - and if she contacts DH...

Now on to sorting xmas feel like taking the tree down and hibernating

OP posts:
overdraft · 22/12/2008 11:23

Emms, Really sorry you are going through this - been there too.I saw all his texts and it broke my heart and I will never forget them !

I have to agree with the others,It must of gone further. My Dh never admited it for a couple of days. They admit as little as possible.

It Dosen't mean that this is the end for you both though. It can be worked through x

LazyLinePainterJane · 22/12/2008 11:40

I think you are heading in the wrong direction seeking answers from the OW. If you want to fix things with your DH (and him as well) then the truth needs to come from him. If he wants to fix things with you then he needs to accept that he has to tell you everything, full disclosure, even if you don't want to hear these things, regardless of whether he wants to talk about it. Truth, total truth is the ONLY way forward (if you even want one) and it has to come from him if you have any chance of trusting him in the future.

All the while he lies and talks bollocks about a "rough patch", things are not moving forward.

I am not sure I would be able to stay with him, but good luck.

overdraft · 22/12/2008 11:47

I agree. You need to be talking with him and not her at this point. A good thing is that it is now finished. It didn't finish because you found out.... he choose to be with you.
How has he behaved since it has been discovered Emm ?

HolyGuacamole · 22/12/2008 11:53

I think you're doing the thing that is right for you. If you need to get to the bottom of this, then do it now so that you can get to that place in your head where you see things more clearly and hopefully have some answers.

If you have these things in your head unanswered, then you could go thru years of feeling resentful if you forgive your DH.

She might not tell you the truth and that is a risk you take but it may well jolt your husband into helping to settle your mind more. If she does tell you the truth, then at least you can compare your DHs story. After all, you need to know if he can be trusted and that depends on whether he is telling you the truth or not.

I don't think there is a perfect answer that fits everyone because we are all different, you just need to do whatever is right for you.

Really sorry you are going through this

ladylush · 22/12/2008 12:10

I agree with you Holy. Only Emms knows what is right for her. I did find it useful to contact the ow from a comparison pov.

ladylush · 22/12/2008 12:11

The problem with discovering an affair is that it leaves you feeling so out of control. Seeking answers is a way of getting back some control. Have you told any friends/family Emms?

Original poster
emms10 · 22/12/2008 12:23

Just my mum - I don't want to drag everyone else into this before xmas - seeing BF in a moment and not sure...

I dont expect anything from the OW - I would just like to make her feel as crxp as I am feeling and if she backs up what I am thinking then I can move forward if she backs DH then I am in the same place - I have lost nothing more

OP posts:
ladylush · 22/12/2008 12:27

Well I'm glad you've told someone, it helps to confide in someone you trust. I didn't tell my mum but I did tell a few close friends (only after I had done all the fact finding though). I'm so sorry you are going through this. You clearly deserve much better