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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

thank you so much, since last friday i am now in womens refuge and seeking help

36 replies

newnamenow · 19/12/2008 12:51

I would just like to say thank youso much for those who replied to me last week when i decided its time to do something about my situation with my partner.
I left him that day and have been placed in a refuge for the time being with dd, not ideal but its a big irreversable step so its doing us good.

I am finding it all very hard, and am still emotionalally very torn towards him but i know this is right for dd.

Dittany posted 'the warning signs of an abusive man' and although that friday was not really any different from any others regarding his behaviour, i had a sudden urge to do something.

i'm starting councelling next week, so i am really looking forward to a fresh start.. i just want to be over this bit first as it really hurts so much.

thanks ladies, i look forward to my mind being my own again!

OP posts:
snoringnightmare · 19/12/2008 12:55

Well done! What a brave and huge step to take.

Really hope things work out for you now.

GypsyMoth · 19/12/2008 12:56

well done!!!! your life is your own again.

i'm 4 years down the line....was in a hostel with my 4 kids...have since met a lovely new man and we're all looking forward to the first christmas with our new baby!!!

Original poster
newnamenow · 19/12/2008 12:58

thank you, i dont really feel so brave right now and still have moments when i just want to go running back.. i still love him so much..

but the ladies and staff at the refuge really no what to say when i am having doubts and its keeping me going..

i just have lots of business to srt now, bills, house etc from dp and my house. I have the feeling he has buggered off, no one has heard from him and no one knew i had left.

OP posts:
Original poster
newnamenow · 19/12/2008 12:59

thanks brie... and congratulations!

did you feel like you had done the wrong thing and first and really missed your dp?

how long did it take you top stop feeling that way?

how did you trust someone else?

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 19/12/2008 12:59

Well done!!

I'm 7 years on and have a wonderful df, 2 lovely dd's and a whole new life I once never thought possible, it's almost as if it never happened.

My ex is back in prison for beating up his girlfriend no suprises there then!

LoveMyGirls · 19/12/2008 13:04

I'll answer there too if you dont mind

did you feel like you had done the wrong thing and first and really missed your dp?
I had to be babysat by friends to stop me going back when I was bored and lonely.

how long did it take you top stop feeling that way? I think about 6months.

how did you trust someone else? I went to relationship counselling with my new dp to learn how to have a positive relationship.

Original poster
newnamenow · 19/12/2008 13:15

i am doing the same, i am constantly on the phone once dd is in bed and i keep talking until i almost pass out with tiredness, then just hang up and drop off. i cant stand laying there and missing him, it makes me feel like a fraud for being in the refuge..becasue other women in there absolutley dispise their husbands. i almost forget everything he has done when i think happy thoughts about him, but the when i have had a long chat about him and what he has done to me, i find it hard to think good ones.

6 months! thanks for your honesty!

i think counselling is going to be good for me, i have never had it before for anything but my mind is just such a mess now. He has completely forced all of his beliefs and feelings onto me and i need to get my own opinions back.

I am finding it most hard living alone, and am really scared about moving into somehere permanent with dd.. i might have to get a dog!

OP posts:
WhirlingStirling · 19/12/2008 13:32

Just wanted to say Well Done. You are a very brave lady

Just look forward, dont look back. You are doing to right thing.

Hope 2009 is the start of a brilliant new life for you and your DD.

Alambil · 19/12/2008 13:34

Fantastic news... absolutely brilliant

You'll have a wonderful Christmas and 2009 - it won't feel like it right now, but it will soon

I'm 6 years down the line too - I never went to counselling and tbh, I wish I had

You will find yourself in no time.

Remember there's usually people online here til late in the night too, if you need someone other than a phone call

Well done - very very well done.

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 19/12/2008 14:03

Brilliant news! Well done. I was in an emotionally abusive relaitonship in the past and it takes a long time to get over it. I didn't get councelling when I started my relationship with DH but it took a long time to get my head around what it was like to be in a loving, trusting relationship.

You'll get there. You're stronger than you think. Best of luck x

madrush · 19/12/2008 14:07

Well done, what a brave (and positive) step to take for you and dd. I wish you the merriest Christmas you can have and so much luck for a fabulous 2009.

LoveBeingAMummyKissingSanta · 19/12/2008 14:09

Well done, and best wishes for the new year.

x

mumblechum · 19/12/2008 14:11

On a practical note, Newname, is the house in joint names? Even if it isn't, you may well get an injunction to get him chucked out so you can move back in. You can find a family lawyer on www.resolution.org, or there are charities which will get you an injunction for free.

jumpingbeans · 19/12/2008 14:14

Well done, i hope it all works out for, well i know it will, you sound so postive, i don't know you, but i feel quite proud of you

Original poster
newnamenow · 19/12/2008 15:25

thank you all so much, i just came back to checj this and didnt expect so many replies..

thanks mumble, i will check that out. the house is in both of our names, but i dont want to move back there tbh.. it was OUR home and i think a fresh start is needed.. and a new address that he doesnt know! he isnt physically too dangerous, although has bee.. i just dont want to risk seeing him, as he has this special button he can press to get me back..

OP posts:
WalkinginWaynettaWonderland · 19/12/2008 15:28

Well done, and here's to a wonderful 2009.

CrushWithEyeliner · 19/12/2008 15:43

well done - Women like you deserve such praise and the best of luck xxxx

Original poster
newnamenow · 19/12/2008 15:47

i dont really feel like that at the moment tbh... but thank you! if i was on the outside looking in i would say the same though i am sure... its just so different to be in this mess, i hope i am strong enough to help someone else one day..

OP posts:
morningpaper · 19/12/2008 15:48

well done you xxx

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 19/12/2008 16:08

You will be newnamenow, it doesn't feel like it right now, but you'll be strong enough. Huge {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}. Lots of love x

MincePirateCat · 19/12/2008 16:11

huge step in the right direction. take it a day at a time. don't go back.

yuor life will change now.

GypsyMoth · 19/12/2008 16:42

it took me about 7-8 months to stop feeling like i wanted to go back to him. i no longer loved him,but wanted my old lifestyle back. i knew he had huge problems,so had no problem trusting another man.....i never felt like it was "all men"....i just knew he was the wrong one for me. but life moved on.....new house etc....
waiting for the new (housing association) house was hardest,as the 4 kids were school age,and wanted their life back! i was in the hostel a year,made great friends too. wish you luck...just think,this time next year!!!!

dittany · 19/12/2008 17:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
newnamenow · 19/12/2008 19:20

thanks dittany, that book passage you posted really was the start of all this. his behaviour that morning was terrible but not unusual so i dont rhink he was expecting any reaction from me as usual. instead when he got home from work i was gone, that book extract made me realise i was not alone if there were people out there writing books about it! i could not believe how spot on it was...

anyway, i just rode on the crest of a wave since then and now i am here, already a week on and having my first night out without dp. only a few drinks from some old friends, but its an amzing feeling that i have no one to answer to later..

having up and down days, but today is a good one so i'm riding with it!

x

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 19/12/2008 20:15

i had the same "see where life takes me" attitude!! liberating feeling......