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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He wants a proper full on marriage again, and I don't think I can.

31 replies

lovelessbroad · 18/12/2008 19:27

Hello, am regular, namechanger.
Will be brief as I know everyone has nativities and uplifting Christmas activities.

OK. Married 8 years together 14. 2 kids.
Severe Marital problems dating back about 5 years, have been in relate on and off for 18 months.
We've made a lot of progress, in that I no longer want to leave him, but I think it's really unlikely that I will ever want to have sex with him again. We haven't had sex for over a year. I don't have problems with desire per se, just with him. I love him, and we have a lot in common, and we have 2 beautiful kids, one of whom has been very ill this year, so for me it would make sense for us to stay together, even in a sexless marriage (we could discreetly find sex elsewhere). He won't though. He wants me totally and utterly or not at all and I feel extremely under pressure to try and force myself to find him attractive again.
Any wisdom from mumsnetters?

OP posts:

skidoodle · 18/12/2008 19:36

I think it's a lot to ask someone to stay in a sexless marriage. I don't think it's something I could do for anyone, especially not someone I loved and wanted to have a full marriage with.

You've done all this work on your marriage and you love him, but you don't think you'll ever want to have sex with him again. Can you explain why? Do you know why?

Original poster

lovelessbroad · 18/12/2008 19:47

TBH I have never found him wildly physically attractive. It's just a chemistry thing. He is attractive. But this has never been the primary basis of our relationship. Now that we have had our children and since our hellish period all desire for him has completely disappeared. But it was effortful for me for a good long while in that way, and I made several "get back in the saddle" attempts, as well as trying to date him again. all the usual. we've done it all. I just simply don't fancy him. He is not at all repugnant - au contraire - but he just doesn't do it for me. He is my pal, my brother, and my co parent. He is not my lover.

OP posts:

ThisMUTTIsJustForChristmas · 18/12/2008 19:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

lovelessbroad · 18/12/2008 19:57

But counselling suggests I need curing somehow. I don't think I do. I think the sexual part of our relationship is over.
I have done SO much work getting our relationship back on track - and he would agree that I've been the driver and the one who's invested WAY more emotional energy, time, thought, etc - in trying to improve things - but now I have no enthusiasm for doing any more work, and certainly not sexually, when I have no desire. He's saying that if we are not shagging in 6 months he will leave. I think it's way too much pressure.

OP posts:

KewcumbersRoastingOnAnOpenFire · 18/12/2008 19:57

that sounds odd - I could easily have sex with a pal who was attractive - provided they were reasonably decent at it. (Sorry to be blunt)

Original poster

lovelessbroad · 18/12/2008 19:58

He is considered attractive. He is not attractive to me.

OP posts:

ThisMUTTIsJustForChristmas · 18/12/2008 20:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skidoodle · 18/12/2008 20:00

It sounds like you two have the perfect basis for a very amicable separation.

It might make sense to you that you stay together in a sexless marriage, but if it doesn't make sense to him, then it doesn't make sense.

Coldtits · 18/12/2008 20:04

It's too much to ask someone to stay in a sexless marriage. I wouldn't. It's all very well saying "Find sex elsewhere" - I wouldn't fuck a married man, no matter HOW much his wife wanted me to.

Mincepiewater · 18/12/2008 20:05

There's nothing wrong with a platonic marriage if it's what both parties genuinely want (though I'd be dubious about one based on the partners having sex with other people) but would you really expect him to accept that if it's not what he wants? Would you if you were in his shoes?

The trouble with low sex-drive/lack of sexual desire type problems is that it's not the person with the low desire who "suffers" from it - your lack of desire doesn't seem like a problem to you.

If you don't want him sexually, then your relationship is not "back on track".

Probably his ultimatum is more about getting across to you how serious he is about this. I think you should take it - and him - seriously.

Original poster

lovelessbroad · 18/12/2008 20:08

I don't think I have particular issues around relationships and intimacy. I have just never really enjoyed sex with him, but he is so utterly brilliant in so many other ways. He has PE, which he has refused to deal with. He won't meet me half way sexually, it's all very holy and boring and joyless, and I hate the way he kisses. I have tried many times to talk to him nicely, in a dialogue, about this over the years but it is extremely sensitive, obviously, and he has been extremely sensitive about it. I have enjoyed so many other aspects of our relationship, but never really the sex. I have however enjoyed sex immensely with other people, so I don't think it's an intimacy/sexual hangups thing on my part.
I had really hoped that I wouldn't be the only person in this situation. Is it so very weird? I can't imagine it is.

OP posts:

Original poster

lovelessbroad · 18/12/2008 20:14

Sorry - just thinking aloud - it seems to me that a marriage is based on SO MANY different things, and that sex is just one of those things. It happens to be the only thing that it's culturally dubious to look for outside the marriage, but it certainly isn't the basis or the main factor in most longterm successful marriages.
We are co homeowners, co parents, we work in the same, very specific field, we have a hobby that we share, we have similar worldview/ethics etc. We are very very good mates. Is it such a tragedy if we can't also be lovers, and why should that necessarily mean the end of a marriage?

OP posts:

skidoodle · 18/12/2008 20:14

You say you love him and yet you seem to want him to stay in a sexless marriage with someone who has never enjoyed sex with him because it makes sense to you? Even though that's not what he wants?

The thing is, it doesn't matter if you hear from a hundred people all living in sexless marriages - you are married to a man who doesn't want that, so you will only get what you want at the expense of his happiness. How can you be OK with that?

How do you think you will have a healthy relationship in the future if he is sad, lonely and resentful because his marriage is not meeting his needs?

KewcumbersRoastingOnAnOpenFire · 18/12/2008 20:15

because its not compatible with what he wants from a marriage.

Both partners have to agree with the no sex rule for it to work.

skidoodle · 18/12/2008 20:18

Well apparently it is a tragedy to him.

Maybe you should find someone else to have this marriage based on everything other than sex with.

FWIW I think you're utterly wrong about sexual intimacy and closeness not being at the heart of a happy and long-lasting marriage. I'm sure there are people who manage to arrange things otherwise, but all the people in long-lasting marriages that I've ever known have clearly been in love with each other, with all that implies.

Original poster

lovelessbroad · 18/12/2008 20:21

Because he has always done exactly what he has wanted to do, at the considerable expense of my happiness and indeed mental health for a good number of years. Now we have addressed some of those issues, he has admitted he has been a totally selfish, blind twat,and things are much, much better, but you're saying the onus is still on me to force myself to have sex with him? That seems insane.

OP posts:

Original poster

lovelessbroad · 18/12/2008 20:23

Am off to put the children to bed, will be back later.

OP posts:

skidoodle · 18/12/2008 20:24

Nobody has said you should force yourself to have sex with him.

From your last post it really doesn't sound like you've addressed the issues from the past to your entire satisfaction.

If you are able to communicate well and you are resentful of his past selfishness and he is not prepared to stay in a sexless marriage, then why don't you separate?

LittleJingleBellas · 18/12/2008 20:37

What is PE?

Of course you shouldn't force yourself to have sex with him.

And of course you shouldn't expect him to stay in a sexless marriage. Or expect other women who may be attracted to him, to accept being a fuckbuddy rather than a partner.

It sounds like you should be separating tbh.

ItsNotThatStraightforward · 18/12/2008 20:56

Would like to express sympathy for your situation.I am in a sexless relationship and it is only because that is how I want it. My partner decided that he would rather be in a relationship with me even if sexless than with anyone else. It was not a mutual decision but one way it struck me was that I could not force myself to have sex if I did not want it. I am slightly different in that I do not want sex with anyone. Possibly this knowledge helps my partner. I believe that we are more than friends and parents to our children. We too have much in common and get on very well. It is not an easy situation to be in and seems to attract criticism and censure.

ItsNotThatStraightforward · 18/12/2008 20:56

ReinDIORdroppings · 18/12/2008 21:05

Message withdrawn

ThisMUTTIsJustForChristmas · 18/12/2008 21:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lemontart · 18/12/2008 21:15

You say that he has admitted being a selfish twat etc etc and that has improved things to the point that you are very very good friends. I wonder, have you totally and fully got over that as well? It is one step for him to admit and apologise for his behaviour and often presumed that you will automatically be able to say "great all forgotten then" and move on. Quite unfair really to expect you to put it all behind you with no impact or emotional issues lurking. Even harder to identify and be totally honest about it with yourself, let alone him. Wanting to feel one way and actually feeling that way are two separate things. My point I am trying to make is, are you totally sure that all those issues really are in the past or is it more than just "I don?t fancy you".
Sex is not part and parcel of every successful relationship. However, it is a huge issue if you have different expectations, needs and desires. In your case, compromise might not be a sensible answer. What that means for your relationship as a couple might not be what you both want to hear, but it might save a lot of heart ache, arguments, hurt feelings and lost time if you are honest about it now.

LittleJingleBellas · 18/12/2008 21:18

Hold on a moment in the light of premature ejaculation, I've just re-read all your posts. You say he refuses to deal with his PE problem. What do you mean by that? do you mean he hasn't entertained non-penetrative sex etc. and expects you to go back to sex wiht him on the basis that he can prematurely ejaculate on every given occasion?

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