He wants a proper full on marriage again, and I don't think I can.

[lovelessbroad]

Hello, am regular, namechanger.
Will be brief as I know everyone has nativities and uplifting Christmas activities.

OK. Married 8 years together 14. 2 kids.
Severe Marital problems dating back about 5 years, have been in relate on and off for 18 months.
We've made a lot of progress, in that I no longer want to leave him, but I think it's really unlikely that I will ever want to have sex with him again. We haven't had sex for over a year. I don't have problems with desire per se, just with him. I love him, and we have a lot in common, and we have 2 beautiful kids, one of whom has been very ill this year, so for me it would make sense for us to stay together, even in a sexless marriage (we could discreetly find sex elsewhere). He won't though. He wants me totally and utterly or not at all and I feel extremely under pressure to try and force myself to find him attractive again.
Any wisdom from mumsnetters?

No. I mean that he refused to deal with his PE for the last 14 years. He was a kind and attentive lover in other ways, but just didn't do it for me. He is now willing to deal with the PE, but it has caused me (and him) so much pain and frustration, both in itself and as a result of his refusal to discuss it or even admit to it, that I don't really want to go there.

hmmm

can see why tbh.

And I still think this is one of those insoluble problems really. After 14 years, I don't think I'd want to go back there either. But it isn't reasonable to cut him off from a normal, loving, sexually fulfilled relationship. Telling him he can have a bit on the side is not the same as a normal loving relationship.

So I guess you just have to decide how much you want the relationship to continue and if you do, bite the bullet and go back there (dealing with the sexual repulsion) or accept that you can't have what you want and let the relationship you have go and develop a different one where you live apart. It sounds like you've already laid the groundwork for either option.

Trying to have sex with a man who has pe is near impossible and a miserable experience.
Sadly my ex dh suffered from this and wouldnt acknowledge it at all.
Worse than that it was uncomfortable and awkward and he would frequently criticize me claiming i wasnt very exciting in bed, "all i did was lie there ".
I didnt dare to touch him or kiss him, touching him in any way would bring things to an end , and often before anything had even happened.

Lots of men have this problem occasionally but when its been going on for years and they refuse to do anything about it , its too much.
My ex felt that i should still be his partner sexually even though he wasnt being mine , iykwim.
Sounds like its about the sex but its not, its about having a partner who refuses to acknowledge problems or attempt to understand your feelings.

Sadly we even ended up sleeping apart and mine turned into a benny hill impersonater who badgered me constantly for sex.

Thanks all. I suppose if I felt that he was tackling the PE in some way - if he was being proactive and taking some responsibility, instead of putting it all onto me - then I might be more willing to consider having sexual counselling. But the memories of 14 years of bad sex are quite intense. We are currently living separately -he didn't want to sleep in the living room any more - but he's round a lot, to see the kids and to hang out with me, and we see each other at work related things all the time. The idea was that he could then explore his sexuality without any pressure from me. He could sleep around if he wanted, go to the doctor, discuss it all, without feeling that I was policing him. But as far as I know, he hasn't done any of this yet, although he says he is feeling much more sexually confident and in his skin. It's a very strange and painful situation. I feel for him immensely. I would love it if he came to me and said, look, loveless, I have done this and this and this and this about sex. Will you now consider sexual counselling? But yet again he seems to be leaning on me to provide all the solutions, and I feel, somewhat appropriately, spent.

No real advice, just to say ditto- been celibate for 8 years partly due to a health issue but now because I just don't find he turns me on. it is a VERY difficult situation.
You have my sympathy- I have no answers, but hope it works out for you- and you are not alone.

I think you have done all you can and shouldn't have to do any more but that doesn't mean he has to accept a sexless marriage. I think you need to bite the bullet and sort out an amicable separation. You can love each other as friends and family members (you are 'family', you are your children's parents) and be co-parents without an actual couple-relationship - but living in a sexless marriage when one partner wants to have sex with the other one is unfortunately a poisonous situation which will get steadily worse with resentment growing on both sides.