does the length of an affair make a real difference to how a man feels about the mistress

[foxy1]

hello

i found out the other day that my husband had an affair with someone he worked with for 2 years. we are trying to work things out but wanted to ask what people thought. Do you think he would have loved her? he said it was just sex. This is what i find the hardest thing to get over is the length of time it went on for.

thank you

I doubt it was just sex. A one night stand might be just sex. Something that is frequent and lengthy is more than just sex for at least one of them.

How long ago was the affair? Has he just broken it up with her or was it over a while ago?

I found pictures on our computer of her very graphic up to april this year and i checked his mobile phone bills. he sent her pictures in may on his mobile and he has been texting and phoning up until recently. he told her last week that i knew and that he did not want anything to do with her anymore. she now goes to my gym! not sure whether to say something to her as she wanted him to leave me and young 2 children. he said it ended early this year and that he was just staying in contact so that she would not tell me. keeping the enemy close he said. she sent him letters in the post telling him to leave me. he has a work blackberry which i cannot check as this needs a password. in his mind he says that it ended ages ago.

Sorry - I'm not clear - Is he saying he ended it before you found out and confronted him about it?

He is a liar.

None of what he is telling you makes sense.

If she thought she was just being used for sex, why would she have thought it was likely (or even possible) that he would leave you?

Aren't you at all concerned that he talks about a woman he was shagging for years as "the enemy"? Has he no respect for either of you?

Trying to keep your marriage together is admirable, but you can't get over an affair if the person who betrayed you is still so obviously lying and not doing the things that need to be done to heal the relationship.

On the basis of what he's offering you all you can hope for is to accept that he is a lying cheat, is likely to stray again, and just decide that you can live with that.

I think you have to decide what it is you want to do. Seems to me you want to save the relationship and you believe him when he says he does.

Firstly do you believe all he is telling you about the intensity and length and timing of the affair? If not (which I suspect you don't) are you prepared to act like you do and just get on with it to save your relationship, or are you prepared to get the truth and hopefully save your relationship knowing that everything is out in the open?

those are the choices you have I think, unless you are prepared to walk away? What would make you walk away? Or is there nothing he could reveal to you which would make you leave?

unavailable - he was saying that he had ot slept with her until earlier this year but he has kept in contact with her by phone as she wanted to tell me.

skidoodle - i know he wanted to have his cake and eat it. i really don't think he wanted to leave me and children for her otherwise he would have done. i am not sure what to believe really. he is not a very emotional person. she is a bit of a loose cannon as she wanted to tell the family and obviously he wanted to keep it a secret so he kept in contact with her to stay in her good books.

Part of me thinks that he has seen her occasionally and keeps in contact with her by phone or text most days. he told her last week that was it and she cried and asked if he was sure and that is wanted he wanted. should i talk to he if i see her at the gym or will that make things worse?

i have said to him that he has one chance and thats it.

Two years 'just for sex'? I think not.

He is a bottle job. He should have bigger balls and be honest.

I think you should read 'stay in contact with her' as still continuing the affair. If she was/is that needy and emotional I can't see why the odd phonecall from him would stop her from saying something.

He's probably done the thing a lot of men do (and women for that matter) when they have affairs. Like you said he wants to have his cake and eat it too, so as soon as he realised you knew he's spewed out a whole load of lies to minimise any damage to himself, to stop you from chucking him out etc.

Not fair on you but if you want to turn a blind eye to it then fully commit yourself to doing so otherwise you will always be suspicious and frightened that he is having an affair.

I would be asking him for her number and calling her to ask her for her side of the story. If she was threatening to tell you in the hope of keeping him then I suspect by speaking to her she'll tell you all you need to know.

I think you should read 'stay in contact with her' as still continuing the affair. If she was/is that needy and emotional I can't see why the odd phonecall from him would stop her from saying something.

He's probably done the thing a lot of men do (and women for that matter) when they have affairs. Like you said he wants to have his cake and eat it too, so as soon as he realised you knew he's spewed out a whole load of lies to minimise any damage to himself, to stop you from chucking him out etc.

Not fair on you but if you want to turn a blind eye to it then fully commit yourself to doing so otherwise you will always be suspicious and frightened that he is having an affair.

I would be asking him for her number and calling her to ask her for her side of the story. If she was threatening to tell you in the hope of keeping him then I suspect by speaking to her she'll tell you all you need to know.

woops - sorry.

yes I think you should talk to her. You could either tell him this is what you intend to do to see what his reaction is, or just do it.

beanie - he said it started in 2006 when i was pregnant with 2nd. he said that he had low self esteem was not feeling good about himself. he had low confidence when it came to sex which i am partly to blame as i did not like it in one position at the time and this affected his confidence and then he found it harder to perform. this affected his confidence and the girl at work was there making it know that she liked him over and over again. he has been quite unemotional about it saying that it was only sex nothing more. i think how could he have done that when i was pregnant and then my mother died christmas 06. i know we did not have sex for about 15 months and he never initiated it. i thought this was odd but i was so tired all the time. he has said that he is very sexual and need and thinks about sex alot.

i am not sure whether it really did finish earlier this year or whether it did carry on longer and that it annoying me. i am not sure whether he would be honest with me and tell me anyway?

I saw your other thread on this last week foxy. Sorry but I still think it very unlikely it was "just" sex, there was bound to be some kind of emotional entanglement, even if he wasn't in love with her.

Have you thought anymore about whether you want to stay together?

As I said previously, please get legal advice on your position financially and legally if you do separate. I entirely understand why the emotional aspects are so consuming for you, but they aren't actually the main issue here. You need to protect yourself and your children. He is not prioritising his family, he is prioritising himself.

Foxy, I have just read your first thread, which clarifies things .

I'm sorry, but I think he is still lying to you. As much as it may be very tempting to confront her, I am not sure what that would really achieve for you. Would you believe anything she had to say to you?

It is your husband you need to confront. He has betrayed you, not her. Tell him you dont buy his story. Tell him you want the whole truth, and that you need proof he is no longer in contact with her. If that means having unrestricted access to his emails/ work phone then why not (I presume he doesnt work at MI5, so no need for secrecy.)

He should be doing everything he can to reassure you (and beg your forgiveness) but from your posts he just seems to think you should swallow it and not doubt/ question him again.

i have her phone number or i can speak to her at the gym. what would you say? is that the right thing to do? will she be honest?

if i give the relationship a go i don't want him to be in contact with her anymore or have anything more to do with her, if i thought he was doing anythig again it would eat me uop i think. i can't imagine life without him

So foxy - he has basically turned tis all around and made it your fault? Your fault for not wanting sex in a particular position, your fault that this gave him 'low self-esteem', your fault because your mother died?

He sounds like a horrible person who instead of supporting you through difficult times decided to get his kicks from the first person to throw themselves at him.

He is more to blame for this than he is allowing himself to admit.

Yes - he may be very sexual but he chose to marry you and he shouldn't be thinking it's ok for him to get his kicks outside of your unit.

if you want advice I would say you need to get him to move out or into another room, you need to tell him that you need time to think through what you want and you are not prepared to live as a couple while you do this, that your self-esteem id incredibly battered and you need this time to decide what to do. You hold all the power in this situation and if he wants to make this work he should be bending over backwards to do exactly what you want.

Foxy please don't ring her.

What a kick for her to have her fancy man's wife crying on the phone, or screaming at her. Make her feel really important and like she is part of some torrid unstoppable force of nature affair, when really it is just a squalid little office fling which always ends badly.

Your husband has betrayed you. It is his fault. She has done nothing to you.

foxy - why do you think she's a "loose cannon"?

Don't believe one single thing he tells you about her that makes out that she is crazy or neurotic.

I don't really see that there is much to be gained by talking to her. Some people seem to think it's a good idea, but really she's nothing to you. She owes you nothing, definitely not honesty and you can't trust anything she says either, as she is clearly not disinterested.

If you want to try to rebuild your marriage then you need to do a lot of very frank and honest talking. He needs to do a lot of soul-searching to figure out why this happened. He can't promise not to do it again unless he knows that. And you can't believe him until you understand.

This is probably something to be worked out in marriage counselling. It's not an easy thing to manage.

You poor thing

If you want to see her reaction when you speak to her, do it in the gym - her reaction may tell you more than she says.

I have no experience (I hope!) of DH having an affair, but it does sound like it's unfinished business - Unavailable is right.

I think you should tell your husband that next time you are at the gym you are going to speak to her but you should actually have no intention of doing so.
tell him this just to see what his reaction is, but don't actually speak to her as I agree with what other people up there have said.

I echo georgimama - do not call her. Your husband committed to your relationship not her.
He had low self esteem from not having sex in 1 particular position? How fragile is his self esteem??
Also how do you know he wont have self esteem issues in the future? I would feel that this affair would be a silent threat anytime you did not want sex or to do a particular position.
Also you did not have sex for 15 months - he did not initiate it though so in some parts after what you had been going through what did he expect?
As for did he love her? I don't know but I doubt it was just sex for him as he was calling her so often etc. If it was just sex it would have been just that imo and they would have just been hooking up as and when not having a relationship as well.
Has she just joined your gym recently since you found out? Have you seen her there? Does she seem like she is waiting for you to say something to her?

Personally I'd be asking him to pack his bag and get his feckin arse out the house.

Can I ask why you've decided to give him another chance? I mean, this isn't like one very stupid, drunken slip up which even still, I'd find hard to forgive. It was 2 years. That isn't a mistake, that's a 2 year relationship that he had with another woman.

I think the fact he was sleeping with someone else whilst you were pregnant with his second child speaks volumes about his character. I also think that there was likely to be feelings between them, especially if they're still in contact.

Am very sorry that this has happened to you, nobody deserves this kind of treatment.

I think what you need to be asking yourself is not how long the affair was going on, but if you can live with this man now, can you trust him ever again?

if this was going on for two years then tbh I think it's unlikely that it was just sex. Especially if he wasn't initiating sex with you - if he just wanted more sex he would have been sleeping with the both of you.

I think it's very common for people to withhold information about their affairs for lots of reasons, partly to protect themselves obviously.

I think in order to move on you are going to have to insist on the whole truth, regardless of how hurtful this will be for you to hear.

I wouldn't contact her though.

I believe what your h is doing is called transferring the guilt. He wants you to feel guilty about his affair too - that it is partly your fault - please do not fall for this. He was the one who agreed to meet up with her and he is to one who took the decision to take the relationship further

My h did the exact same thing and I can now look back and see what he was doing and I now know it wasn't my fault. He took the decision to shag the whore ow. He didn't have to do that.

Reading all your posts, I really do not believe that this affair is totally over. My h said the same thing about not wanting to upset her in case she said something but that was a pile of shit. Another excuse.

This ow must be hard faced if she has now joined the gym you go to . Cheeky mare!! If you see her, I dont know how you would not say something. I know I would struggle (maybe put treadmill onto full power when she is jogging).

Please be strong and remember (advice given to me by another MNer) what your h says is not very important, what he DOES is more important - watch him closely and if he is still acting suspiciously you know you cannot trust him.

I have been with him for 17 years. i don't want to throw that all away. i do love him and married him thinking i would be with him for life. i gave up a good job to be a stay at home mum for our children and this makes you feel very vulnerable when something like this happens. the length of time is the part that i find the hardest to deal with.

i would like to give it a chance as otherwise i would never know. whenever his phone rings i am thinking who is it. on nights out now i will have to hire a private detective!

No, definitly don't contact her.

And, if your DH wants any chance of saving this marriage, HE must not contact her either.

In fact, I think he needs to find a new job NOW.

Please consider the effect this will have on your confidence and self esteem over the next few months / years as you drive yourself demented checking phones, e-mails etc., and still never being sure.

WannaBe is right. You need to know everything, however horrid. Only then are you truly in a position to decide what you want to do going forward.

Really feel for you though, bad time of year to be trying to resolve this (not that there is a good time, of course, but Christmas makes things harder when families are around and you are trying to be happy)