does the length of an affair make a real difference to how a man feels about the mistress

[foxy1]

hello

i found out the other day that my husband had an affair with someone he worked with for 2 years. we are trying to work things out but wanted to ask what people thought. Do you think he would have loved her? he said it was just sex. This is what i find the hardest thing to get over is the length of time it went on for.

thank you

Why hire a detective?

Do you want to live your life like that? If you are going to give him another chance then you need to commit yourself to that, but I would say he needs to be completely honest with you to allow you to do that!

Foxy I feel so sorry for you but it isn't you throwing it all away - you are not responsible for his decision to betray you. He is the one who has potentially thrown away 17 years of marriage, not you.

Would you stay with him just for the sake of "not throwing away" 17 years of marriage no matter what he did?

Please get counselling. Please get legal advice.

I dont think the length of time has anything to do with the strengh of his feelings - my h had an affair for a year and although i know he thought for a while it was love it was never true love as i was always on the scence.

I do believe that men can see it as just sex - as long as ow was willing to be the bit on the side then why would he change things??

You are right he did have every opotunity to leave you but he didnt and now faced with the choice he is staying with you - that means a lot more than what she is offering.

I do agree though dont contact her - she will tell you lies and will relish in making you feel awful. she may well say he is only staying for the children ect.... dont give her the chance.

I think too dont worry what he wants - what is it that you WANT now - only you can tell if he is making enough of an effort to satisfy you. Make sure you are in control now and take the lead as to what you want - dont let him tell you when you should be over it ect.

I totally agree with the no contact stance - whatever he says please stand by your guns on this one - he may well say he 'owes' her a face to face let down - remember he owes her nothing - she knew he was a liar remember so she can jolly well lump it now.

He too is probably only telling you bits of the truth, again it is up to you how far you want to push for the whole truth.. it may be an idea to work through this with a professional.

Dont make any promises to him just yet - tell him you have her number and you may well talk to her - but make sure he from now on tells you of any contact and please make sure you are prepared to stick by any ultermatiums you make.

Seek legal advice too as you will feel so much more in control too.

Good luck - it can work out but make sure you now look after yourself.

if hiring a private dectective makes you feel better short term then do it. Eventually if he is committed to making a go of it then that feeling of wanting to catch him out will fade.

I am 2 years down the line and i still do not fully trust - and not sure i ever will again but it is something me and my h together have worked through. He leaves his phone around and i have access to his lap-top. In the beginning i was always checking - and although i do still from time to time it is no longer that important. I do also feel safe in the knowledge that if i wanted to i would hire a PI. I will never ever again tourture myself with that 'half feeling' and doubts again.

If he wants it to work - then he will help you get over this too.

Wirling is right - this is his fault not yours and whatever 'excuses' he has for the affair it is all how he wants to see it.

Why not join another Gym - i bet she has only joined to have a secret gloat at you and you are so much better than that - some woman do get their kicks in strange places.

Dont contact her - I did it was NOT a good idea - if she is a loon (as my H OW is) then she will lie and manipulate you too - be better than her - you will not get the answers you want/need from her - trust me on this one

If he was still in contact with her only to stop her from contacting you, then what does does he have to lose now that you know anyway?

He must never contact her again, full stop. If he still cares how she'll feel or react then there is your answer - he is still involved with her.

I suspect he doesn't want her to contact you because she'll tell a very different story of this two year 'sex only' relationship than he has.

If the only way you can cope with this is to blame her and yourself rather then him then that is your choice, but it may not reflect on reality.

How sorry is he, exactly? Has he said how he felt about betraying you and your children? How much effort is he willing to make to sort things out? I'm concerned to hear that he seems to have you thinking it was somehow your own fault.

he did make me feel like i was the reason why he went off. he said he regretted it and if he could turn back the clock he would. he said me and the children mean everything to hjim. he said i am the perfect package - obviously not that perfect as he woud not have done this. he has not told anyone - must be ashamed/embarrased about grief he will get. should i make him talk to someone?

foxy1, you are shielding him from the consequences of his actions.

You need support from your friends/family. Personally, I would tell who the fuck I want to tell, his feelings of "shame" would be of no interest to me.

He wants to keep his name as a "good guy"????, he ruined that himself didn't he?

Don't let him isolate you.

Yes he must talk to people about it. Yes he will be embarrassed - as you probably will too - but believe me there are a lot of people out there who will understand.

Yes it does happen - and yes we do get over it - but please do make sure he tells others - otherwise when you are feeling a bit down about it no-one will understand and just think you are a moody cow.

I hate how these men act as if it all just happened to them, as if they had no choice, as if they had to keep it going to keep the OW happy. Did DH not 'choose' at any point to continue or to stop the affair?

He 'chose' to deceive you and he made that choice last for 2 years....thru your pregnancy and thru the death of one of your parents....just how low can someone go....and still he let it continue...

It's a shocking disgrace and way to treat another person. He is passing on his guilt to you and making you feel that everything has been such a shame for him.....aw, poor lamb

Could someone really sleep with someone else for 2 years and not feel anything? I sort of think that a sex thing might be ok for a couple of months, but 2 years!! That is way more than just sex, telling you it was just sex lessens your reaction to it. How did he manage to keep her on the go for 2 years or was she just happy that it was all about the sex? If he told you that he did in fact have feelings, then would you be much more hugely upset and hurt? The OWs reaction clearly displays that to her it was more than sex so was he leading her on too, making her think he loved her? Maybe ask yourself why he is telling you things in the way that he is telling you them, seems to me like he is successfully minimising his part in the whole sorry affair.

Whilst he is telling you she is a nutter....did he tell her that about you too? Or did he explain that you were so perfect for him?

Sorry for being sarcastic, it's directed at your DH, you just sound far too nice for him. I hope you can sort your head out and at least get to the bottom of some of your unanswered questions Maybe then you will be able to decide whether your marriage can survive this. For what it's worth, I'd have kicked him out the door immediately and he'd be lucky to escape without having his password protected Blackberry up his ass...sideways...

I don't think men think in terms of timescale like that, otherwise you could equally say doesn't the length of the marriage affect how he feels about his wife for you
I don't think it's helpful to think in terms of mere sex versus 'in love' either. There's plenty of medium ground and I suppose this kind of ongoing affair can be a kind of friendship with extras. The real issue now is what he feels for you and how is prepared to make amends and work to sort things out.

But he is telling the lies because he really deep down does not want to lose his wife.

He has been foolish/stupid/a bastard, but at the end of the day he still wants to be married.

He has not really had to face a choice before now - and now he is panicing.

I suspect he did tell the ow he had feelings but did he ever back it up with real commitment?? She was prepared to put up with only half of him. But he knows (and she does too) that you have far more dignaty than her and so will not accept only half.

He will find it tough - it is the real world now not his little fantasy anymore, he may even have become a bit addicted - but i very much doubt whether it is real love - otherwise he would do anything for her.

He is still lying because he knows he has messed up with you big time not because he still wants to carry on - of course he wants to limit the damage to himself(even he is still human), but at the moment is not thinking straight and does not see that he is just getting himself into more trouble.

Dont take the blame but do accept that you will change from now on and will be a stronger person who will not put up with what he has done to you ever ever again - of that i promise you.

Thanks for everyones feedback! If i ask him when the relationship really ended do you think he will be honest or just make it up. He said that she had a couple of boyfriends this year that only lasted 3/4 months. why did she have boyfriends if in april this year i know they definitely had sex and end of may he sent her pictures of her on his phone. they were still involved and i think for him to still be texting and phoning that it must of carried on. i wonder if I had not found the pictures of her whether it would have carried on?

In my opinion he will be economic with the truth - may even lie.

I stopped asking my h questions anymore because I knew I couldn't believe what he was saying.

My h had an affair for a year. He didn't have feeling for her. It was just sex. So in answer to the OP, length of affair doesn't necessarily mean that the emotional attachment is greater.

I sell shotguns. Kill em both and let God sort em out. Peace and long life to you. XXXX

foxy1- I know it will be really hard to accept this, but you will NEVER know what went on and what he felt for her. He may lie to you- and say what you w ant to hear-- he may not. All the agonising over "did he love her, did he not" is wasted energy.

In either case, it is not relevant now. he has stayed with you and you really should be talking about what went wrong and how you can stay together for your children's sake- and yours.

I also disagree with people who say he will do the same again etc etc. it is possible for partners to stray and not be really bad people- they are human -- but they can be given another chance.

I sometimes think MN are too quick to want to show men the door- when what might be needed is a trip to relate to try to get to the bottom of things and move forward.

That's true.
I know someone whose husband had an affair and moved in with the person, without even telling his wife the full extent.

All she knew was that they'd separated. They were even going to divorce when she told him she thought they should give the marriage another chance.

He jumped at the chance. Dumped the mistress. Moved back home.

Took a lot of hard work but their relationship is better than it was and he is much more understanding.

It's what you can take really and what you can put up with. Sometimes it doesn't help to ask all the what happened questions if it doesn't make you feel any better. It's your choice.

If you can cope with what's happened and move on together then you've got a chance of making it.

Unfortunately some people do make very painful mistakes.

The what happened questions might not make you feel better but sometimes they are necessary in order to try to make sense of it and eventually move on. I needed to know EVERYTHING, so much so that h would wince when I asked him. But he did tell me. Otherwise he wouldn't still be here now. I'd have shown him the door. You need to work out what is important to you and not be afraid to demand it. You should be calling the shots now.

Sorry - I mean IMO. Not bossing you around