I think my sister doesn't want to know me anymore, not sure what to do

[crazyloon1]

Sorry if this sounds a bit flaky but I am just writing as I think...so it might end up a bit mixed up.

My sister and I have got on pretty well for years now - we grew up 2 years apart and there were times she didn't want me hanging around, but basically since we both grew up she has been kind and we've been quite close.

She got married a couple of years ago. Since then she's only been here a couple of times...they live a long way away (around 400 miles? Not sure exactly!)

I know she is all settled now and happy with her new relationship and i think it has enabled her to feel 'safe' in a way - she was always trying to break away from our mother, who idealises her yet sister finds her very hard to bear. I am close to mum now - I'm still in the same town, single parent and she is always helping out with the children.

A few weeks ago sister took it upon herself to ring me up and have a massive monologue at me about how awful my life is and how I am damaging my children by not being more outgoing (i am fairly shy socially, get depressed sometimes etc - she is gregarious and travels a lot etc)
She went on and on, ranting, when really she understands very little of my life now as she hasn't seen it - but she's always been quite bossy and thought she knows best so I just laughed it off, after standing up to it initially and sending her a very stroppy email saying how dare she, and so on - I got over it and would love still to be her friend.
But she never answered it - and now I have had a card which says very little, just that she can't talk to me as she knows I won't accept her criticisms, etc - it felt like she was saying 'I don't want to know you any more'.

I have emailed back saying I am sorryw e fell out and I wish we could be friends as my love for her is greater than any falling out we might have and I miss having a laiugh with her.
But maybe she just doesn't need me any more
She used to ring and ask my advice and give me heres, before she was married. Now I either get attacked or nothing.

Has this happened to anyone else, and how did you cope with losing a sister you're so attached to?

Partly I am wondering if she is upset/jealous as I see mum a lot and she hasn't got any children, and won't be having any (they are both women). But I don't want to lose her.

She is 37, I am 35 btw.

Btw the main reason she was having a go at me on the phone, was that ds wasn't at school for a short period and she thought all children need to be at school - doesn't approve of HE. He is back at school now - partly I have to say, due to her disapproval - but she still isn't happy with me

she sounds very insecure - even if she DID think you were all of the things she said, whhy can't she leave you being you and get on with her own life? what does she get out of criticising you? of course you're not going to accept it! Sounds like for some reason she wanted to push you away for defensive reasons - as she's both insulted you then decided you are doubly in the wrong for not just taking her insults so she'll ignore you from now on - could be extreme attention seeking/total unhappiness? maybe she thinks she should be happy as her life is "better" than yours in theory but actually she isn't happy and doesn't understand why you seem to be?

Sounds to me like she now thinks she has all the answers in "how to be happy and successful" and wants to tell you how to do it. She has not matured out of the "big sister" role.

Of course she doesn't, as her recent contact with you shows. A happy and confident person accepts the way different people live their lives, as you are able to do. You know already that her approach is rather immature. She may grow out of it. I'm sure she is not lost to you forever.

Thankyou for your thoughtful replies. I have been so miserable about it. I mean, she is so far away that I don't rely on her in many ways but just knowing she is there in the background as someone 'on my side' as it were, was really important to me.

I wonder if she feels I have 'stolen' our mother somehow...but she has cut mum out of her life in a lot of ways.

You are right, she does not sound happy. I always assumed she was right and is sorted and everything, and I deserve to be told what's what - but I hadn't properly thought of it in terms of her not being that happy herself.

It's a shame if that's the truth of it, as we all thought she was doing so well - married to a lovely woman and living their lives together.

i hope you are right and she isn't gone for good. In my last email I told her i was feeling much happier since the time she rang (she got me at a very low ebb, that day) but she seems almost to want to believe I am a miserable mess and my life is crap.

Uh oh -- she seems to want to feed off any neediness you have. Not a good person for anybody to be around. You don't want to start being negative about your life just to have something to talk to her about.

She's your sister for life and you have time to be better friends again just maybe not now. I am becoming good friends with my sister for the first time in about five years we never fell out, just grew apart. I suppose all you can do is be ready when she is

That's good to know, Llama. Thanks

Thinking back there have been periods of apart-ness and times we were close. But yes she did send me a huge bundle of books about loving yourself as a person, how to find the right man etc etc when she was about to get married - it was quite funny, but very sweet. She means well for me but I can't help feeling that she wants desperately to tell someone what to do - and if my life isn't like hers, it isn;t happy, obviously...

she is the only person out of us all who likes to travel and have parties and all that. the rest of us are proper hermits, she was the changeling

There are some very strong feelings for her to have done that out of the blue. Either she feels she's knows better and you are doing such a terrible job that she needs to tell you what to do OR she's not happy with her own life and is trying to 'fix' yurs instead of her own.

Either way it doesn't mean the end.

PS does she want children? Just wondered if that could be at the root of it? Does her partner want them?

She may also feel that by not taking her 'advice' you are criticising her judgment. I think it takes some self-confidence to accept that people can live completely differently to you, make completely different decisions in the same situations and not make you 'wrong' somehow.

I was distant from my sister for 10 years (my fault). We are now as close as we were before. I will always be grateful for her being so forgiving and do not take her friendship for granted. My husband was also distant from his sister for many years. They are now great friends and go on holiday together when he goes back to the UK to visit.

When you contact her again, maybe tell her there are some subjects you will never see eye to eye on and spell out what those are. Make those topics things that you never bring up in conversation. It might make things superficial for a while but it might give you a chance to maintain some form of contact until she is more settled in her new life.

She can have children too, if she wants them, by getting a sperm donor, so she does not have to be jealous of your family.

God this thread has hit me like a steam train. I've been lurking since the OP... I keep coming back...

Me and my sister haven't talked or communicated in any way for nigh on 6years now.

Someone said earlier about feeding off neediness. That rings bells.

Anyway.. enough about me... just to say that for the past six years I haven't had to worry every time the phone rings or the email arrives... no more attacks.

Leave her alone to get over herself and come round. She may, she may not. This would appear to be HER problem, not yours.

Oh.. and you don't sound remotely 'flaky'

Your sister may still be adjusting to married life in terms of the transition from family of origin to the new adult married family-ie: her own family. I think these kinds of transitions are when people become adults and others acknowledge that their sibling/offspring are adults.

(I hope I have the circumstances right: )
Before she was married, when you were away from home (of origin), she gave you advice putting her in a sort of 'mothering position' of authority (she adult-you "not"). This perhaps made her feel superior. When you moved home to the true matriarch-your mother, and you did not follow your sister's advice anymore, she perhaps felt the loss of this superiority as an insult rather than acknowledge that you are an adult. The preceeding is complicated and may be completely off base.

The bossy, controling...analyzing, evaluating and judging, her way or the highway...reminds me of my sister (who I have had to take a break from). You may want to look up Narcissism Personality Disorder (NPD) and that will help you know whether or not she will change. (NPDs don't change.)

Good luck, and you probably don't need her as much as you think you do. Condesending? I hope not as it was the truth in my situation.

toomanystuffedbears - that sounds pretty much on the nail.

just a thought - could this be to do with your sister's partner at all? you do hear of new relationships having quite an impact on existing ones sometimes. Do you get on well with your sister's partner or could she in some way be trying to remove your influence from your sister's life (jealous of your close relationship, asking for your advice, etc)?

Thanks themoon66 ...TMSB preening fluff.

Julietbat's idea probably plays into it as well. There are so many perspectives that can all add a little which is why relating (relationships) can be such a maze to comprehend.

crazyloon1-does your sister ever show empathy for you? That is one of the hallmarks of a narcissist-lack of empathy.

it does seem to me that there is something going on in the background here - it seems most odd that she would hardly speak to you until she felt the need to have a rant about the way you are living your life, which in no way impacts on hers - that the FECK does it have to do with her?

As a big sister, I often have "discussions" with my sister about her life, but wouldn't in a million years expect her to "accept my criticisms" and then stop talking to her if she didn't! (my sis does have a few probs, btw, financial, lovelife, that kind of thing - advice is requested, not foisted).

What do you do about it - well, I would suggest you phone her and ask her what it was all about - check that she is ok, that her life is going as she wishes it and that she isn't having troubles with her marriage/ having kids/ wishing she was in touch with your mum etc. Although she has been a total busybodying PITA, a bit of kindness from you might open the doors to finding out what is going on.
But, OTOH, she might just be a controlling snotty cow who felt the need to tell you "you're doing it all wrong" - but at least you've tried again, so you can square it with your conscience and it's her loss if she doesn't take you up on it.

Best of luck!

Hi, gosh I have missed a lot of big posts!

Strating with LBAM, yes, those were my thoughts - either I truly am being a crap mother and she needs to say it, or can't live with herself (this is what she told me - it was a 'matter of ds's welfare, far more important that whatever we may feel about each other' - well, it would be were he at risk, but he is not - and in any case she had not seen him since April, had no idea why he wasn't at school, or what our lives were like. Thus the monologue on the phone - i was sitting stunned just kind of going 'ookaaaayyy...'

or else it emans she is not happy and feels she has to criticise my life in order to feel that she is Ok and I am not.

She does want children - hasn;t mentioned it for a year or so, but one of the things about them getting married was that she asked her partner not to rule it out totally. dsis previously brought up a family of German children as an au pair so feels she knows more about raising kids than I do...perhaps she does, but they weren't her own which I do believe makes some difference. But yes, she wants children and struggled with it last time we discussed it.

Just going to read the other posts.

I mean they would adopt or possibly use a donor, that kind of thing, to have children. But i know her partner was not keen.

Madamdeathstar, I am glad you are once again close to your sister - you sound convinced you were to blame though?

in my email the other day, I mentioned that despite our differences I would really love to still be able to have a laugh with her, and so on. She is my sister - I have a box of presents for them both ready to be sent, under my desk. I have no idea whether to send it or not - I don't want it to be unwelcome

She also said on the phone that she wasn't going to give ds anything any more as it would just get destroyed or broken - our last house was a terrible mess, but this one is lovely, is bigger and I have decluttered so this isn't the case any more - but I feel it is another thing she would rather I was hopeless at, so she can feel superior. That sounds horrible but I really don't think she wants to accept that I can be ok.

Themoon - I am so sorry this has stirred up things for you. Was your sis similar to mine?

Toomany - well, you do make some good points, however there are a couple of things not quite as you've guessed.

First - I was never totally away from our home town. I lived alone near my parents, struggling with an eating disorder, for a few years - then took up with an unsuitable man as I was recovering, (which she disapproved of of course, but we remained friendly despite) and then I got pregnant and she carried on criticising massively (high point was making me cry in the high street when I was about 8 months, by shouting at me about my dodgy life choices)

but she has been a lovely auntie and always kept in touch.
i think it was when she found her own 'family' as it were - her partner and in laws, whom she is at home with - that she started to want to contact me/all of us a lot less.

She has not lived here at all really since she was about 18. But my having children certainly brought me closer to my parents and she might well feel jealous. The way she puts it is that she thinks I have lost the will to be happy - which isn't the case. She equates happiness with going on holiday a lot and having 300 friends. I really am not like that.

Possibly she is making that transition, and it must be hard for her. I also think she feels responsible for me. My best friend is an elder sister and explained that she feels frsustrated with her younger sis when she feels she is not doing 'the right thing' for herself.

thankyou ALL for these brilliant ideas and posts.

Thebutterflyeffect, I think you are very brave to carry on HEing with so much opposition. I am not that strong. Being a single parent with only one friend in favour of HE, whom my family considers a hippy (well, he is!) I found I was so dragged down by their constant 'upsetness' about it that I took the school place we were offered immediately. Ds happyish there but I don't think we were given much choice - i've no other support than them.

thumbelf - you might be right, that she is just a bossy coo

however I hope she will take my kinder email and use it to rebuild the bridges.
I think I must just wait for her really. She might come back, she might not.

Hi TBE,

that sounds really hard for you both to manage. I don't know what else to say, feel I can't really comment as have just had an email back from my sister which goes on at length in a pretty nasty and cold fashion, about how it is all my fault - maybe it is

she asked me not to contact her any more

I sent back a very short reply that just said 'oh fuck off' which yes, I am ashamed about but it is pretty clear she hasn't any intention of being friendly any more.

Am feeling terrible now. she still hasn't explained what I have done wrong. I don't know what to do or think.

crazyloon. She has built something out of nothing by the sound of it. I do know how shaken you must feel though (why do people like this always seem to chose xmas?)

She sounds a lot like my sister. For years I've put up with great long critical monologues on the phone that left me reeling and shaking.

In the end I had to tell her... if we were not sisters, I would never chose her as a friend, because friends don't put me down.

I don't know what to advise you to actually do. Maybe do nothing?

Try to have a lovely christmas