I think my sister doesn't want to know me anymore, not sure what to do

[crazyloon1]

Sorry if this sounds a bit flaky but I am just writing as I think...so it might end up a bit mixed up.

My sister and I have got on pretty well for years now - we grew up 2 years apart and there were times she didn't want me hanging around, but basically since we both grew up she has been kind and we've been quite close.

She got married a couple of years ago. Since then she's only been here a couple of times...they live a long way away (around 400 miles? Not sure exactly!)

I know she is all settled now and happy with her new relationship and i think it has enabled her to feel 'safe' in a way - she was always trying to break away from our mother, who idealises her yet sister finds her very hard to bear. I am close to mum now - I'm still in the same town, single parent and she is always helping out with the children.

A few weeks ago sister took it upon herself to ring me up and have a massive monologue at me about how awful my life is and how I am damaging my children by not being more outgoing (i am fairly shy socially, get depressed sometimes etc - she is gregarious and travels a lot etc)
She went on and on, ranting, when really she understands very little of my life now as she hasn't seen it - but she's always been quite bossy and thought she knows best so I just laughed it off, after standing up to it initially and sending her a very stroppy email saying how dare she, and so on - I got over it and would love still to be her friend.
But she never answered it - and now I have had a card which says very little, just that she can't talk to me as she knows I won't accept her criticisms, etc - it felt like she was saying 'I don't want to know you any more'.

I have emailed back saying I am sorryw e fell out and I wish we could be friends as my love for her is greater than any falling out we might have and I miss having a laiugh with her.
But maybe she just doesn't need me any more
She used to ring and ask my advice and give me heres, before she was married. Now I either get attacked or nothing.

Has this happened to anyone else, and how did you cope with losing a sister you're so attached to?

Partly I am wondering if she is upset/jealous as I see mum a lot and she hasn't got any children, and won't be having any (they are both women). But I don't want to lose her.

She is 37, I am 35 btw.

Thankyou

she has ignored all the nice things I said to try and appease/ make amends. She can't see anything good in me at all.

I have written a proper reply which I expect she'll delete - she said don't email, and that if I want to reply I know where she is - yes, 400 miles away and not answering the phone...

I have tried to be really reasonable and fair, answered all her points, calmly, told her lots of good things that are going on in my life - and told her I send her much love and hope we will speak again on better terms one day.
I asked her if she is cutting contact with the boys as well, as we have a present to send her and won't do if she doesn't want it (a bit of emotional blackmail there! But I had to ask, as she is being a selfish prick if she won't even speak to them)

I have sent it, it's made me feel better. I am trying so hard to make her feel we can still be mates but I don't think she will have it. Sjhe said I need to stop caring what she thinks of me, or anyone else, and do things for me, build an identity not based on motherhood

but in that case why did she feel the need to tell me all her opinions? She writes letters like this to all our relations from time to time. Telling them honestly how she sees things, becasue she couldn't live with herself otherwise.

Thankyou so much TBE

I really appreciate you and everyone els listening to me on this

I guess I can't control what she says or does, just got to try and be nice and not worry about it...it does feel like nightmare though.

Well, I'll keep that in mind in case one day she wants to know us again

I sent her a nice birthday present the other week, hoping it would enable things again...with a cheerful card whcih explained a bit about why I was upset, but ended on a cheerful note, trying to build bridges.

The worst thing is I have her in my head - when I am sorting out the house, when I am being a 'good' mother with my boys - I almost take on her persona in my head, and feel I am being her in a way - doing it how she would (she is good at that stuff) and now every time I think of her it will be tainted with sadness instead.

I wonder if it is me - I guess nobody can tell, without seeing both sides...my mother can't get involved, so I can't ask her obv.

She sounds like one of my sisters. Especially the writing because they just "couldn't live with herself otherwise". Rubbish. She needs to feel like she is the centre around which the rest of the family revolves. It gives her a sense of power and justifies to herself her own self worth to dictate how you should live your life.

I was very good friends with my sister when we were teenagers. Then I grew up and left home and realised she was only friends with me as long as I did what she told me. Everything she did was more important than anything I did. It has got worse since we had children. Naturally, her way of childrearing is far better than anyone elses. She lectured my brother on the perils of bringing up his children bilingually. His wife is German, they were living in Germany at the time but she would ring him up and harrangue him about why his children should speak English only. Funnily enough when she lived in France for two years her position changed, but she never acknowledged this with our brother. Her favourite phrase is "I don't have to go to the North Pole to know it's cold." Which basically translates as "I have made up my mind on this matter based on some tenous belief I aquired from an article in a magazine or the internet and I don't need to examine this belief based on evidence from people who actually know what they are talking about".

People like this often have a powerful personality and have such utter faith in themselves that it can be difficult to challenge them. Difficult though it is, the only way to deal with them is to stand back and refuse to engage. One by one my siblings are breaking contact with this sister. They do it when they get sick of her telling them how to raise their children. Our tactic, in social situations, is to simply leave the room when she starts to get insulting. One by one we leave, refusing to engage. Eventually she finds herself in a room on her own, with the rest of the family partying without her. The daft thing is, she still hasn't realised we do it.

Good luck. It's hard to unravel yourself from a relationship like that. If you want to HE, go ahead and HE. Does she really know anything about HE? Does she know your son? Does she live every day with the consequences? No she doesn't, so it's none of her business. Don't try to justify, don't try to explain. Just act like the sensible, well adjusted adult you are.

Excellent post slug... I think we must share a sister.

I think you have to ask yourself if you really want or need her in your life. As someone has already said, If you weren't related, would you choose to be friends with someone who treats you like that?
I no longer speak to my sister. We have never had an easy relationship. I thought when i had my son things might change, but she was only bearable for literally a few weeks until she started having a go at me again. My DP even said it was like she just couldn't keep it in any longer.
I, like you, tried time after time to appease her (like the rest of my family who she also treats like shit) always extending the olive branch and trying to be nice.
This time was the last. It really hurts me not to be able to have a sister as she is the only sibling have. But it took her screaming and having a go at me in front of my 3.5 month old DS at my mother's house to make me realise she is NOT going to change and just puts me down constantly to make herself feel better.
You sound like you have done nothing but try to keep the peace. Of course you care about her cause she's your sister, but just don't let her do this to you any more. Live your life and be happy, cause she obviously isn't if he has to try and make you feel like this. Make a positive break or it will eat you up! Families are the most hurtful things. Leave her to it and just do what you want to do without any more criticisms!

Your sister sounds awful, however, I wonder why she is so vociferous about things to do with your child and the only reason I can come up with is that she is jealous. You said that she wants children but her partner doesn't. Is it possible that the partner has flatly refused to have children? After all, in their relationship it is not going to be possible to have an 'accident' is it? Having a child in a same sex relationship requires much more planning and isn't as easy as forgetting to take a pill or pinning a condom! Any pregnancy would have to have been planned so if the partner has put her foot down, that, effectively, is the end of that! I am absoloutely not trying to excuse her actions, I think she has acted in a cruel and unfair way towards you, but I am just trying to understand it? Of course I may have it wrong. For what it's worth, I think I would just send her a letter or card, saying you will respect HER decision about not contacting her agin, but that your door will always be open and you hope that one day she changes her mind. Then I would leave her to get on with it. for you and children.

I've only flicked through the thread (Read the OP) and I'm going to be really honest...

Your sister sounds like I used to be. You sound like my sister.

We are similar in age (though I am the younger)

I am (or was) jealous of her. She was close to my mum and dad, she always seems to do the right thing, whereas all I get is criticism.

I did massively well at school and ended up going to Uni and getting a 2:1. All my mother said when I phoned to tell her was that if I'd worked harder, I'd have gotten a first....

my sister, by comparison, didn't do that well and left at 15 with some CSEs (though to be fair to her, she's done well since)

but through it all, SHE is always the golden child. Whatever I do is never really what they wanted (which is to say, I grew up and moved away and that is not what they wanted)

We ended up having a massive fight about it around 2 years ago, and I realised that how I see things isn't how she sees things and we are close again now.

I still think that she will regret a lot of the choices she has made, but I've learnt to keep my opinions to myself and let her live her own life. I do think she's ruled by my mother, but I also have to accept that being ruled be me (by doing what I think she should do) is no better and in many ways worse.

This IS something she has to figure out.

Don't apologise to her. Tell her you are happy with your life and you would like her friendship - not her critisisms.

TSS x

might she be jealous that you are close with your mum now?

she seems to be projecting some of her own issues on to you.

she also sounds VERY controlling.

i would keep my distance- she sounds a bit soul destroying.

Thankyou very much for these posts. Have been languishing on sofa with flu so not been on MN to answer.

I'm relieved that the general consensus seems to be she is being unresonable. It helps me feel less wobbly - the last few nights when I was having high fevers I kept getting panic attacks about what has happened. It's horrid knowing someone hates you so much they can't even bear to speak to you.

Slug, your sis sounds frightful, and thanks for calling me well adjusted
not sure if I merit that but hey..!

I think it is very possible that she is jealous, both of my relationship with mum and of my having had kids. It was quite telling to me when she actually admitted in an otherwise very feelingless email, that yes, she was sad about not having children. She wasn't giving much away but she let that kind of slip in

I wonder about her partner, whom she somewhat idealises but is rather sort of possessive, maybe - shy and close and doesn't like to travel or socialise. Sister often needs to travel, it's part of her personality - she she goes off to places and once or twice has taken her partner but I think it makes the relationship quite a torn one. They seem devoted and happy as far as I can tell but they are very different. they are once more spending Christmas with the partner's family and not coming here. She hasn't even told mum this. Just sent word indirectly.

TSS that was very brave of you to post. It must be horrid to be the unfavoured child. It's not quite the same in our family - I wasn't ever favoured really, in fact often felt hated by mum while my sister was put on a pedestal. However I think mum finds it easier to be close to me which is odd.
I have been through all sorts of stupid problems like anorexia, afraid to grow up I think - and lived near my parents due to not being very brave. While she just took off as soon as she was able.
I feel sorry for her that she has never been 'at home' with our family while I get a lot of help and support and pleasure from seeing the parents (as well as the usual annoyance!) so she must feel a bit alone.

I think she is really, really angry with me about basically everything I have ever done. I've never been good enough, looking back - she has always found fault with everything I've worn, said, liked - so I should not be surprised really. Maybe it's just that the last few years she was making a huge effort to be kind and friendly, and now is fed up with trying when really she doesn't like me at all.

TSS - Are you angry with your sister still? Do you blame her for your parents' preference? I am glad you are closer now whatever.

You see, my sister would say that about me - she would say that my mum puts me on a pedastal (like the prodigal son - I get the special treatment when I DO go home) whereas she is there all the time and is far, far closer to my parents (is there EVERY DAY!)

No, I'm not angry with my sister anymore. I still worry about her abit (she is very reliant on my parents and they have (IMHO) stopped her growing up. She doesn't have kids or that many close friends, so what she will do when my parents are no longer there is anyone's guess.

What I have learnt though, is to be happy with my own choices. I make my life, and she makes hers. We are very different people but we've re-learnt how to be friends.

Thankyou for explaining - wow, you do sound like my sister!! (In the nicest way!)

She also says she is worried about me, that I am too close to them, too reliant, don't have my own life - I moved further away from them this year, (well, she said I should - and I wanted to) but it didn't change her mind. I don't know - I am starting to doubt that she really even wants to see the true picture of my life. That's two things I've done recently that she told me to do for ages, and suddenly she doesn't want to know me. I wonder what that says.

I wouldn't worry too much about your sister. It can be hard being on a pedestal, but hard being close by as well - maybe she feels they need her? - and I imagine that once they are no longer around she will just go right ahead and start living her life in her own way. I know a woman in her fifties who got married recently after years looking after her mother. She was quite angry I think all her life and then her mum passed away and she got really kind of sparky and started enjoying herself.

I'm interested to understand how you think they stopped her growing up though?

My mother is very controlling.

I recently had a baby and went back home with the baby... I was talking to a friend of my sister's while I was there and this friend said: Do you think your sister wants one now? (FWIW, I do think my sister would love a child) and my mum just shouted over me 'Oh, NO, she doesn't want to have kids' - to me, that just sums it up.

Here is a typical day for my (nearly 40YO sister)

Goes to my parents for breakfast. Eats breakfast on bed with parents . Dad makes her a packed lunch which she takes to work. At the end of the day, she drops the empty / dirty plates etc,. to my dad and he will wash them for the next day. At lunchtime, she will text or call my mum.

WHile she is at work, my mum will go to her house and do her washing / ironing (or sister will drop it around to her)

On a weekend, she goes shopping with my mum EVERY Saturday and then takes my dad out on a Sunday.

As I said, I think it's nutty, but I have accepted that it's her life and I do appreciate that she might be a totally different person when they aren't about, but it'll be too late for her to have kids etc.,

I hope that gives a bit of insight into your sister. I don't know why she would want to cut off your friendship though... That makes me think there is more going on (Asin, she likes when she can tell you what you are doing wrong... am not sure)

My mum needs to be in control.

While I was there with the baby, she refused to follow any of the routines I had (woudldn't sterilise bottles, wouldn't follow the guidelines on making feeds) and, when I picked her up on it, she laid into me telling me 'that was good enough for me' (Inference: If I criticise her parenting style, I am calling her a bad mother)

My sister constantly puts up with being told she isn't all that great and needs my mother to sort things out...

Oh my gosh

I can see why you think it is an odd set up. That's really horrible. I still don't think you could achieve anything by being angry with your sister about it though - but you know this. I guess she is not strong enough to break away from the situation - it sounds like her self esteem gets eroded every day.

Don't worry, I am not that close to mine! They would kill me if I even tried!

I live about 2 miles from them (used to be 2 minutes, not any more) and fwiw I think my mother does feel a strong need for me to not be competent - ie she was very angry when I moved away as it meant I was saying 'no thanks, i can cope now' and it made her feel redundant. (she has had therapy, which helps a bit)

We talk probably 5 days out of 7, she comes here about 3 times a week for an hour or two, to help with the house/children. I rely on that as I am a single mother.
But saying this I can see why my sister would think it bad...and I am afraid of breaking away totally, I have always had separation anxiety. I cannot quite stand the thought of sitting on my parents' bed though, having breakfast...

I rarely go there at all.

I suppose it is the fact my sister sees it all as a crappy life choice to even be near my family, and needs to get so furious with me about it, that upsets me. I know i have not done big adventurous things like she has, but I don't want to - she can't understand that. I am happy staying out. She would be miserable, fair enough. I don't try and force her to stay in our home town. I wish she could accept that I am a grown up and thus the decisions I have made are mine, not hers, not anyone's. In short I wish she would have a little respect.

Thanks again for sharing. I was hoping someone who was on the other side of the coin would explain it all to me.

staying put I mean

And that's the key: I have accepted that my sister does like her lifestyle (or likes it enough not to want to change it). I'd never mention it now.

I pull my mum up on stuff that involves me (or my DS) but let the other stuff slide.

YOu are right that the last thing you need is her getting to you too... I was just making things worse for my Dsis and I just decided (when we had the argument a few years ago) that our friendship was worth more than petty arguments about lifestyles.

I'd say we get on very well now. I am sure there are things I do / have done that my sister doesn't agree with too, but she doesn't go there either. We just agree to be different!!!

I hope you and your sister do resolve this problem, and I do hope that my 'side' of the situation has helped with your sister's POV...

Thankyou, yes, you have been a real help. I can kind of see it from her side a bit now. I just wish she were as smart as you and realised I'm not just a puppet. Will update when/if things change between us ...you never know!

I just want to say... It took a MASSIVE argument for me to realise that (she wasn't a muppet)...

She really stood up for herself and it did make me realise that this is her choice... I do think, up until then, I didn't think my mum treated her the same way (always thought what she did was right IYSWIM) but afterwads, I realised that my mum actually treats her the same way as me, she just deals with it a different way, because she's a different person to me.

Yes, be nice to get an update - I REALLY hope she realises that this isn't YOUR problem. And, FWIW, it's not your problem.

TSS

thankyou very much

Well in an odd twist I have just been to my parents' house and there was a card there from her, to me and the boys - it said 'love from' and everything

mum said sister rang last night about a parcel she was sending them, and apparently it has 'our stuff' in it as well - we are both a bit puzzled but at least it means I can send her this thing that is under my feet!! I hope it means she has got it out of her system and still wants to be nice.

Maybe Christmas won't be so sad after all...she is such a loon though. Can't believe she put us through that!