"My Personal Life is None of Your Business" my H just said this to me.

[albertthegreat]

Have posted about H and what a knob he can be a few times before under other names. It is embarassing otherwise as I am on here quite a bit.

Last night I went to bed, left him watching a film and having a beer. I dropped off and at 12.37 am I heard the front door being opened quietly and him going out. He obviously stood on the other side of it for a while to make sure I hadnt woken up because he didn't lock the second lock for a good few minutes after he went out.

He says he went for a drink in a pub down the road. He was gone for an hour and a half at which time my phone rang and then cut off and it was him, I think he cut the phone off because he perhaps wasn't meaning to call me.

Anyway I confronted him about it this morning and that is what he said to me. I said it was not normal for a man with a family to be sneaking out to the pub at that time of the morning and he said what is in the title.

I feel quite liberated by it actually. He has been an awful husband quite frankly but I put it down to him being young but he is 30 now so I think we need to get beyond that excuse. What do you think of this? Would you assume something was going on? For background information we still have a laugh together but rarely share a bed. He says he wants to make the marriage work because of the kids but he does not act like it.

I'm all for a bit of privacy. It drives me to distraction when DH checks my text messages, emails, bank accounts etc. But at the end of the day you are his personal life and you have a right to know where he is going at 12:30am in the morning and why.

I have to say I don't see the appeal in going for a drink at that time of the morning and there probably is more to it than that. But only you know know your husband. So only you can make that call.

I would have to be picked up off the floor with helpless laughing if dp said this to me and then I would leave. It is one thing to be surreptitiously disrespected and that can lead to feelings of low self esteem but when it is being shoved in your face, you can't tolerate it.

I just ranted at him about waiting to see if I had heard him go out and he said he wasn't doing that he was listening to our neighbours baby crying because it had been going on for ages and he was worried (baby was crying, I could hear it too).

However he now says that he couldn't sleep so went out, he doesn't believe that behaving like that affects us as a family so he should be able to do this if he wants to.

I have told him I want to co-parent and he will have to keep his nose out of my business from now on. BTW I have about as much interest in pursuing other men as I do in pushing baked beans up my nose but it would be nice to come and go as I please like he does. Unfortunately that does not work for me because I love being with my kids too much.

The worst thing is that I genuinely am pretty easy going. I don't really bother about where he is going and what he is up to. He is just taking the piss out of me really. Like another poster said, disrespecting me to my face. He does not see it like that though. As long as it does no infringe on family time he can't see that it is a problem.

I don't think oyu need permission from a wife or husband to go out but you do need to check the other person isn't themselves going out rather than assuming the other person willalways be in and of course this was late at night so entirely different.

As for my sex point if he is seeing someone one answer is not to go into analysis together over it particularly if he doesn't like deep talks about things but just enjoy even better sex with him than you're having.

is this the first time he has done it?

TBH i wouldn't mind DH going out at 12:30am. But then I trust him 110%. If he went out that late I know he would be going to a party or watch a late night fight etc and NOT to meet other women. So long as I still got my turn at a sleep in I wouldn't care.

So I guess the problem here is that you don't believe he really did just go to a bar? Ha ve you confronted him with your actual suspicisions rather than making an issue of him going out late?

Are you suggesting that she compete for a man Xenia?

xenia is that really you?? no, really?

Yes I did confront him and he offered for me to keep his phone as he has nothing to hide. He just fancied a drink.

I am not really into the idea of keeping an iron grip of his phone in order to prevent infidelity. If he wants to do it then I wouldnt try and stop him. Its up to him isn't it?

It is not just about going out late though, it is the spending money he hasnt really got. He will ask to borrow money off me this week and I don't want to lend it the week before Christmas.

He is very committed to the idea of doing your own thing within marriage and so am I but not when it might affect dc or the other person. It is not altogether safe where we live either and I think it is an unnecessary risk wandering down to the pub in the middle of the night.

I think you will find that he has another mobile phone stashed away somewhere.

I don't think so soapbox - he is just not organised enough for that. Personally I don't think he had anything to hide......at the moment. I think he went for a drink and a "chat" and nothing happened as he thought it might so feels safe to offer me his phone. Though he knows I would never take it. I would cringe at myself if I did that.

So don't borrow him the money then. Keep your bank cards on you at all times. He chose to waste his money. He can live with the consequnces.

Why are you still together? It doesn't sound like a marriage to me

I won't lend it to him. I have told him that. It is just one more reason why I think it is unacceptable to be popping down the pub in the middle of the night alongside all the others.

We are still together because it is easier I suppose.

absolutely don't lend him money next week! tell him he shouldn't have gone out to have that drink in the middle of the night then.

"I won't lend it to him. I have told him that. It is just one more reason why I think it is unacceptable to be popping down the pub in the middle of the night alongside all the others.

We are still together because it is easier I suppose".

Easier for whom though? My friend is also in this trap and is married in name only. Does the children no favours either to see you both like this. Staying together only for the sake of the children is an extremely bad idea. Children learn about relationships first and foremost from their parents, what are you both teaching your children here?.

Why is he also so seemingly irresponsible with money?. Do not lend him any money, lending money to him just enables him.

he is a noose around your neck.

get rid of him.

it is hard but look at it this way...

you have got only one life to live (as far as we know) do you REALLY want to spend it like this?

be strong.

you are WORTH better.

and so are your kids.

Oh, well if he wasn't going out to meet a woman that's entirely different and it does read a bit like wife as mother, I'm afraid.

Main thing is you go out tonight at mid night for an hour and tell him to mind his own business if he asks where you're going.

On the sex thing I was just suggesting that because most people stray if they're not getting regular good sex at home and lots of people seem almost wilfully blind to the fact that that is often so.

(Yes I am really I)

If he says you have no right to know what he is doing then he is leading a separate life in which you and the kids do not feature...this does not sound like a marriage, this sounds like a wife cleaning and cooking and bringing up kids while he spends time somewhere else to do the things he wants to do (probably with people you will never meet or even know about).

Even if you suddenly did more sex, I think the issue is that you have no EMOTIONAL intimacy.
Physical intimacy won't solve much for you, although your husband may feel a bit better for while.

But if having loads of sex solved all the worlds problems we wouldn't need mumsnet

Xenia, I thought your idea of regular sex was a very good one. If albert's dh was getting any on the side, he probably would not be 'up' for it so often. I appreciate he is repulsive after a night out, but albert, worthwhile to see if you can get him in the sack after he returns home, if your suspicions stray in that direction.