AM I A MONEY-GRABBER?

[milkmonster]

My partner (although I plan to leave him in the new year) claims jobseeker's allowance and has been unemployed the six years I've been with him, possibly not had a job since he left uni save a couple of deadenders such as market research/street surveys. He exists frugally and also from his (undeclared) ebay earnings which can vary £1000 a month to nothing at all the next month. He doesn't save. We are age 40 and 42.

We don't live together and he only provides the minimum £5 a week automatically taken from his dole money by the CSA. He doesn't offer a penny more. He refuses to ever work again in order not to have to pay more for his children (19 months and one on the way). He owns his house, I live in rented. He won't sell his house or enable us all to live in it together (he's a hoarder, it's a mental condition before you ask means no it will never be possible to live in same house as someone like that).

What I'd like to know is, do most women in my situation settle happily for the minimum contribution of £5, or if there is a possibility they could obtain more, for example because my partner owns his own home outright (which benefits agency class as 'income', although I don;t know how they figure that if the house is effectively uninhabitable due to junk and rubbish he can hardly renti it out for income or sell it ) and also his ebay earnings, they might attempt that?

He doesn't believe in financially supporting his children he's already said the taxpayers can do that because I claim Income Support so would not agree to helping me with a penny more, but I would find it a huge help for instance if he offered to pay for creche 5 days a week (£13 a week) so I could get some 'me time', as my family live 200 miles away so I have no friends or support here. Yet I keep reading on forums single mums in similar circustances to me are receiving up to £150 a month from their ex-partners and I'm wondering if I'm getting diddled?

I've already researched childcare costs and am planning my future in order to go to work once the new baby is a few years old and can see I need some serious savings in place for that, which I was hoping more contributions from my partner would assist with. Am I a 'money grabber' by thinking of ways to get him to offer more financial assistance?

No mortgage, his house is paid off.
The new benefit enforcements just mean you have to attend more 'work-focused interviews' where an advisor sits and talks through your work options with you!

P.S. You should get some free nursery sessions for your 1st child soon. Have they brought the age down from 3 to 2.5 now (in terms of entitlement)? Might be worth holding on for.

' dont understand why you get money through the csa if you are still a couple? usually csa are only involved if you have split up?'

We dont live together so officially we arent classed as a couple.

I made the decision a long time ago not to pursure my ex for any money as he was always trying to fiddle the CSA and I found it demeaning to chase a man or money and I was beginning to obsess about it and sound like a money grabber. It was the best decision I ever made.

So do you condone someone earning money on the side whilst claiming benefits?

Howdo you leave someone you dont live with?

You wont get any more out of him. I would suggest you concentrate on your future and only rely on yourown income.

yeah I'd forgo the fiver and report him for benefit fraud.
This gets my goat when I see how hard my husband works for us. I am liberal and support the benefit system for genuine claimants 101%
But this sounds like an utter piss take.
Sorry I do not normally postthings like this but this has really pissed me off.

"do most women in my situation settle happily for the minimum contribution of £5, or if there is a possibility they could obtain more"

Yes, most women have to settle for the minimum contribution. No there is not the possibilty of obtaining more unless you come to some arrangement with him privately.

'So do you condone someone earning money on the side whilst claiming benefits?

Howdo you leave someone you dont live with?'

No I don't condone it.
You leave them by mnoving away 200 miles.

But you must presumably have been ok with it for a while? Long enough to conceive two children?
Did it not bother you?

and ok with it long enough to know that he makes up to £10k a year..........

The two children were conceived in a violent relationship.

That's very sad.
What relevance does that have here? Am unclear.

Not OK with anything, thankyou for the presumption.
Sometimes cicrucmstances dictate limitations on normal life.

Because you asked her why have two children by him, perhaps they were not willingly concieved.

Just as someone said to me once why did you have a child with your ex and I literally had no say in the matter.

It has no more relevance moondog than you asking me why I have sex with my partner...but presumtions are coming thickj and fast now so it's probably time to shed some light on the machinations behind my ORIGINAL QUESTION,.

so you've never lived with him, you've just been in a relationship? And now you've had to move 200 miles away.

Sounds like from what you've said he would rather stop ebaying than contribute.

Sure you can report him but it may not get you anywhere. My friends ex spent 30k on an extension while paying £5 a week - she reported it, nothing happened.

At some point you just have to focus on you and your children and forget about him, he's a cock obviously, his loss.

My posts sounds abrupt and rude, not meant to, articulate enough but this medium never quite good enough for expressing compassion and kindness I actually do own

Thanks Lauriefairyonthetreeeatscake

I agree with Lauri just forget him and hopefully he will forget you and your precious children.

you don't sound abrupt and rude, you sound totally justifiably angry.

There's a lot of people on here who know how pointless it is chasing an absent parent for money, hence the questions about anything he can do to help (minding them for example), being nice and asking him for money etc - it's clutching at straws but there really is so little you can do unfortunately

This has also been posted in lone parents.

You should report him anyway, at least then you know you've done the best you can for your children.

He is not your partner, he is your abuser and rapist. Just move and forget about him supporting your dc's they will be better off without that kind of example in their life.

I think people just like to know the background to something.

Correct, it will be posted on several boards. Different boards, different viewers, different opinons.