Discovered husband has been lying for last 3 months- he's done it before and last time, I told him next time would be the last

[thatwasfun]

In the scheme of things his "crime" is not that bad, but the deceit has left me devastated.

He was a smoker when we met. I have never smoked, so can't begin to understand the pull it has. He gave up so we could get married - mainly to save the money to make it possible, but also because the thought of what it does to his health terrifies me. That was 17 years ago.

About 10 years ago, I found out he had been smoking secretly for a few months. I was devastated that he had been deceiving me but also went through a lot of other feelings. I was distraught at the thought he would choose to increase the chances of making me a widow and furious that he had been spending our money in this way.
He was apparently devastated to have upset me so much, gave up again and would never do it again.

Roll on another 6 years to when DS1 was 3yo. DS walked into the kitchen with cigarettes and a lighter he had found in Daddy's rucksack. It was as if the bottom had fallen out of my world that time (prob an over-reaction, but I had DS2 6mo)This time it wasn't just me he was hurting but the boys too. He was spending money we didn't have, risking the possibility that they would be left fatherless, all life cover had been taken for non-smoker so if he did go, they may not pay....but again he had been deceiving me. It was a truly horrible time. He cried and cried and promised never to do it again. I left him with a clear understanding that if he did it would be the end for us.

I really thought he had scared himself that time and never thought it could happen again. Recently I have had some concerns, suspicion of the smell of smoke and he's gone off sex (which happened each time before, I like to think because he was ashamed, but I don't know)When I asked him about it he was mortally offended that I could even suspect him...then this morning when I was tidying up the clothes he'd left on the floor (not normal he'd been for XMAS drinks last night) a lighter fell out of his pocket. He didn't even admit it when I asked him about that - claimed the fags I'd found in his bag (I hadn't even looked) belonged to someone else, but he has now admitted he's been smoking since October.

Now, I know it's an addiction and if he needs help with that, I'll do my best to support him, but I really can't deal with the lying, the fact that he knew that if he did it again it could well break up the family, the money thing again, the risk that the life cover won't pay and a real fear that if he can lie about this I can't trust him on anything.

Generally, I think our marriage has been pretty good. Ups and downs, like you do, but a lot more good than bad and downs have been times when things weren't great, rather than were really bad iyswim. He's a good father (apart from the lies) and I can't split up the family over it, but I feel like the rug's been taken out from under me. Not really looking for advice atm, just trying to order my own thoughts, so thank you for listening, if you got this far.

lying is usually the act of someone who feels powerless
i would put the lying to one side for now and deal with your feelings about the smoking
do you have any bad health habits? do you do everything you can to stay healthy? do you exercise for instance? smoking does increase health problems but so does not exercising
so does eating meat etc
it is not perhaps so cut and dried as you make it

I actually think that you have to accept him as a smoker, tough though that is. This removes the opportunity for deceit and the awful feelings of guilt, anger and cntempt that occur when it is revealed.

I wish that my dp did not smoke, health reasons and thought of the example that he is setting to our daughter, but I have to accept thathe is an adult and these are his choices to make. I do not hide my feelings from him but I cannot force him to give up, only support him when he tries, which he does from time to time with varying degrees of success.

Tell him that if he wants to smoke he can but never around you or your dc. He needs to find the money and if there is no money then he can't smoke. He needs to change life policies to reflect the fact that he is a smoker and this may help to reinforce the risks in a rational and unemotive way.

PS I drink Coke zero/diet coke to excess . I will be taking 4 cans to work tonight and I will drink at least 3 depending on how tough my shift is. This is obviously not ideal but I do not feel that I could give up. I never/very rarely drink it in front of dd and I try to limit how much it costs by buying in bulk. Dp think's that I'm rotting my insides lol!

No one is perfect and many of us have addictions that we try not to recognise/hid fromourselves and others.
Sometimes they can stop us functioning, eg alcohol, and need to be given up but often they can be managed to limit the harm that they cause to the addict and others.

im sorry but i think your over reacting.

So is it the fact he's lied to you about smoking rather than the smoking itself?

You sound a bit controlling tbh. If he wants to smoke then why shouldn't he? Apart from the health implications obviously which I'm sure he is aware of.

I can't believe you would really break up the family over this.

Yes it is a very strong addiction I'm sure but unless he wants to stop then you yelling, screaming and acting like his jailor is not going to do anything but make him smoke in secret.

He knows how much you dislike it but if he is not stinking the house out smoking inside, then why can't he just have a cigarette when outside if he wants?

Think you need to back off.

It's not the smoking itself which upsets me so much - it's the lying. I don't like him smoking, but of course it's his life and he can make his own decisions - one of which was to lie to me.

yes, you cannot control him in this way, YABU

maybe you just have to accept he is a smoker

Change your life insurance policy, agree that you will accept him smoking on certain conditions - not at home, not in front of DC, no more than 20 a week etc.

People only stop smoking when they want to and he obviously doesn't want to be a non-smoker otherwise he wouldn't have started again/he would get help quitting. Allow him to make his own decisions and hope that in time he will come to the decision that you like.

I would also not make the lying he has done about your relationship because I really don't think it is malicious or meant to hurt you, it sounds more like he is trying to protect you/not let you and the kids down.

x-posts where it took me so long to type as was watching x-factor!

no lying is very upsetting
but you have put him in a situation where he has had very little choice
he has been unable to control his addiction (nicotine addiction wildly powerful btw)
and you have given ultimatum
so he lies, of course! you can't make this decision for him

Wow, I am so glad I am not married to you, I couldn't live with that level of emotional blackmail.

Franny has put it very well, seems like you backed him into a corner where he had no recourse but to lie.

Sorry, I think that you are overreacting. Is there any reason that you are so terrified of your dh having serious health problems due to the smoking?

My dad gave up smoking this year after 50 years of trying. He went to smoking cessation classes and has not smoked since June. He decided himself to stop, we pressured him for years without any luck. Your DH has to want to stop.

he is probably lying to protect you as he will know how upset you will be. As an ex-smoker (30+ a day) I KNOW how hard it is to give up, and although I have not smoked for 6 years, I would never, ever call myself a non smoker. The pull is still there, I just have to resit the urge (and my children is the driving force behind that). My Dh smokes, it creates arguments but I have accepted that he is a smoker and that when he is ready to stop he will.

Personally, I don't think he is lying to be decitful but because he is ashamed and worried about you and the kids. Lying to you about it IS wrong, but rather than focus on that, why not look at ways in whicvh you can help support him to give up?

good luck

ok. I am a secret smoker. I can give you the other side.

My husband bullied me into giving up. I did it to please him, because he went on and on and on about it. But I bloody RESENTED him for it. And I stopped for ages (years), then started then stopped and now I'm doing it again. Secretly. Getting through bucketloads of air freshener and mints.

all because I cannot deal with the guilt I am going to feel if he finds out. He is going to go on at me and I want to avoid it. But I didn't want to give up in the first place and I feel like he forced me. He wasn't nasty - talked, like you do, about my health and he's right. but the point is, it has to be MY choice, not something I do because I am getting the arse nagged off me.

I stopped but when I started again, I couldn't tell him. I can't tell him that actually, I really rather WANT to have a fag now and again. I know it makes no sense, I know it's dangerous, but if you do something for someone else and not for yourself, you are doomed to failure.

I think you have put him in a position where he fears your disapproval, but if he doesn't want to quit for him well, you cannot beat an addiction until or unless you 100% want to YOURSELF. You'll never do it no matter how much someone else tells you to, and you just end up resenting them for going on at you. and, stupidly, that makes you think fuck you, I'll do what I want to, you're not my owner.

My husband has caught me a few times, and each time I tell him I won't do it again - I don't mean it, I just don't want the grief I get off him! I don't want to be nagged or bullied.

IME the only way he will stop smoking is if you turn the pressure off. Obv he needs to change the life insurance and so on, bt it's his life and you can't dictate to him. DH was a smoker since age 14 and a heavy smoker when we met, he eventually gave up of his own volition just before I got pg with DS. He knew I didn't like it but I tried hard not to pressure him and certainly didn't give any ultimatums - that jst makes him powerless and doesn't say a great deal about your respect for him tbh.

Of course he was going to lie about it. He is addicted to nicotine and you have told him that he might lose his family if he smokes.

I kind of know how you feel. My DH has given up smoking loads of times. Every time he restarts we go through a couple of months of me knowing that he's smoking (there's no way you can disguise the smell) and him lying to me about it until I catch him red-handed. Every time he tells me that he won;t lie to me about it again, but he always does.

I don;t like the smoking (sorry all you smokers, but it really, really pongs), but the lying to my face has always been the most upsetting thing.

It wouldn't break up our marriage tho'. DH tells me that smoking addiction is a bit like being hungry, but telling yourself you can't eat- you just have to.

What matters to me is that he keeps trying to stop. That's the most important thing.

I so agree with Effie. My DP is a lifelong smoker who has "given up" but still has the odd one. Before he gave up, he managed to reduce it to one a day (late at night, outside, never in front of DS), then a couple of years ago he stopped having the one. But he hangs out with smokers and I know still has one sometimes because he's told me. I've always made it clear that i would like him to stop, but not gone on about it or given any ultimatums.

I used to smoke too and I gave up, in my own way, when I was ready and I know I couldn't have done it any other way. I never smoke now and I still hope that DP will come round to that, but for now I'm happy that someone who loves to smoke, who smoked for a long time, now does so very little because he knows I hate it, because we have a DC and for the sake of his health. The odd fag isn't ideal but he's still come a long way. I think you could start talking and come to some compromises along these lines.

I think you're over-reacting tbh. The lying is a result of you not wanting him to smoke. Mich as you disapprove of it, he will only give up for good if he wants to give up for good. And I say this as somebody who has never smoked and doesn't like smoking at all. It's his body: you can't control it.

He's lying because he loves you and doesn't want to hurt you.

You are over-reacting. He is an adult and can make his own choices. As can you. If being married to a smoker is too hard for you then you can choose to live without him.

He only lied because you made it impossible for him not to. Smoking is a terrible habit but it's his choice FFS. Life insurance isn't really the issue as I'm sure you know. The fact is that you want to control your husband to a level that is scary. You need to work on that TBH.

my dad 'gives up' for years on end and my mum then finds out again that he is smoking. This has been going on since I was 8, I am now 34.

It is his choice

I think you have a choice that he doesnt smoke in your home or in front of the kids - otherwise it his choice.

I think you have got to stop treating him like a naughty child or your prisoner. You do not own him and he has a right to smoke if he chooses to without you making such a ridiculous drama out of it.
It's reasonable to dislike a partner's smoking, and to insist that the partner does not smoke in the house, of course, but the way you have set yourself up as some kind of Final Judgement on his actions is extremely toxic for your relationship.