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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Who else's dh is like this?

49 replies

SpinningEm · 12/12/2008 19:14

Like comes home from work in a tired grumpy mood each evening & picks fault with the mess in the house?? It drives me mad - I clean & tidy all day long & have not done what's he's seen due to lack of seconds in my day BIG SHOUT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
AbricotsSecs · 12/12/2008 19:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Eve34 · 12/12/2008 19:28

I have one of those, comes home has tea cooked, I wash up clear away make samdwicches etc etc whilst he tells me what a terrible day he has had and how tired he is. Men hey :-)

RumMum · 12/12/2008 19:46

Eve34 are we married to the same man!

mine only noticed what I didn't do... not what I did... (seperating now)

Original poster
SpinningEm · 12/12/2008 19:50

HoochieVirginMomma - he comes home & although grumpy think he's superman & tidies things away - only thing being all dd's in bed - it does make a difference that he don't get

OP posts:
thenewme · 12/12/2008 19:52

You don't have to accept this.

Mine comes home, eats a BabyBel and then starts sorting out the kids to bed. Doesn't say anything if the house is a tip but says it looks good if it is all tidy.

Original poster
SpinningEm · 12/12/2008 19:56

Lucky you thenewme

OP posts:
meemar · 12/12/2008 20:00

It's always easier to see what hasn't been done than what has been done.

Tell him that one day next week you will do nothing around the house except the bare minimum for you and kids to get through the day.

Then let him tidy it all up when he gets in from his hard day at work.

leoleomakingalist · 12/12/2008 20:02

My dp does this. It is crap and makes me very .

Megglevache · 12/12/2008 20:04

No, he wouldn't dare.

Some days the house is a dire tip, he'd rather that than have me stressing and fussing about any mark or bit of crockery left onthe table.

I make sure I don't just do stuff whilst he's not there, then they think fairies do it. He does alot of stuff with the dc's at the weekend and no housework and realises that alone can be quite, erm, testing

Megglevache · 12/12/2008 20:06

sorry I hot post before I got everything down.

he used to be awful moany and taking the piss saying that I must have lots of fun watching day time TV all day!

meemar · 12/12/2008 20:11

Don't take it from your DH. Your job as SAHM is looking after your kids. Because you are at home you look after the house as well. Your husband has no right to criticise and dictate how you do your work, any more that you have a right to go into his place of work and pick fault with what he does.

If your DH doesn't feel like the house is tidy enough he can either:

  • Do more when he gets in from work

  • Pay for hired help

  • Lower his expectations - houses do not look like show homes when you have small children

Dropdeadfred · 12/12/2008 20:17

my dh comes home and if the room isn't full of toys he gets them out!! He never mentions if the house is a bit of a tip but always comments if the house looks especially clean & tidy. he thinks tidy house generally means dd3 didn't have much fun all day!! he takes over the momnt he gets in and always puts her to bed too and reads the stories

Gemzooks · 12/12/2008 20:57

Yes... and it pisses me off big time.

why can't they mention the positive things? Grr GRr GRRR!

Gemzooks · 12/12/2008 21:00

it's also that the evening is the last time you feel like doing a last minute tidy up when you're knackered with kids/bed routine or whatever, the idea of cleaning the floor or plumping up the sofa cushions is just too much!!

Gemzooks · 12/12/2008 21:01

oh and megglevache you are so right about only doing tasks in front of them. Otherwise they don't register it at all...

ladylush · 12/12/2008 21:02

Are you SAHMs? Maybe they don't appreciate the massive job you do bringing up the kids and they expect a cleaner thrown into the bargain.

Gemzooks · 12/12/2008 21:10

I work 3 days, have a cleaner, not officially expected to clean or anything but it's just the carping.. DH is quite fussy.

Pantofino · 12/12/2008 21:11

Mine does this when he has a particularly bad day. As I work full time too, it used to upset me, but now I think sod him. He tends to come in and start muttering and picking up toys etc and I just ignore him and get dd to fetch him a cold beer from the fridge. Whether he actually wants it or not, it tends to diffuse the situation.

ladylush · 12/12/2008 21:13

portofino

ladylush · 12/12/2008 21:14

pantofino I work full-time and would be v pissed off if h tried this with me. Esp as I work more hours than him and rarely get a lunch break.

ninjinglebells · 12/12/2008 21:15

I have this problem - dh says that looking after the kids (I have an 11 week old baby and a 5 year old dd) isn't a job, it's a privilidge!!

I agree that yes, it is often more fun (this time round) than going to work - but when you've been up 3 or 4 times in the night, days can be hard. he expects that I'll do everything. I get the 'you're a lady that lunches' comment all the time, but doesn't consider that he's free to drop in the pub for a pint on the way home.

There's no changing him though and he can make life miserable for all of us if I argue with him.

He's good with the kids though

ladylush · 12/12/2008 21:20

I would be pissed off too if I worked my arse off as a SAHM

Pantofino · 12/12/2008 21:24

ladylush - we're not talking about "reason" though are we. He comes home after a shit day - I have 2 choices. I pick him up on his crap behaviour leading to big argument, or i ignore him and get dd to give him beer and a cuddle.

I don't excuse his behaviour by any means, but after many years of trial and error, i do what works for me!

ladylush · 12/12/2008 21:28

Pantofino - that's exactly why women are the more intelligent sex. I am far too stubborn for my own good. Much more likely to have a blazing row. Even that doesn't work though, cos h gets all soppy and says he likes a woman with "bite" - which makes me even more furious!

Pantofino · 12/12/2008 21:34

I am Portfino too so no need to be .

I consider myself to be fully emancipated and for many years was the main wage earner. None of us are perfect and I have learnt now to pick my battles!

Mine can be a complete stubborn arse who is always, and i mean slways right. We used to fight like crazy pre-dd. He doesn't get way with much now, I just changed the way i dealt with it. Yelling just didn't work.