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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Who else's dh is like this?

49 replies

SpinningEm · 12/12/2008 19:14

Like comes home from work in a tired grumpy mood each evening & picks fault with the mess in the house?? It drives me mad - I clean & tidy all day long & have not done what's he's seen due to lack of seconds in my day BIG SHOUT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
meemar · 12/12/2008 21:40

ninjinglebells - attitudes like your DH make me so annoyed.

If you were a nanny being paid looking after somebody elses 5 year old and 11 week old would your DH not consider that a job but a priviledge? Why is it different because your job is raising your own kids? Why the hell shouldn't you have lunch out sometimes? Does he not have lunch time at work?

And he gets away with making your life miserable if you try to get him to see your point of view.

Some of these men are like children themselves.

bluebump · 12/12/2008 21:55

My DH is like this but the same as others really I don't yell anymore...I ignore him. Well actually he goes for a pint EVERY NIGHT after work and doesn't come back till 7pm ish so i've been up with DS on my own for 11 hours a day. My answer now is "Well if you came back from the pub earlier..." to absolutely everything. I'm not looking back on my maternity leave thinking that I didn't do anything with DS because I was too busy cleaning! Life is way to short for that!

ninjinglebells · 12/12/2008 22:03

Ikwym meemar - the things is he'd love to do it himself and that makes it hard to argue with ... He'd be fine with the kid part of it, but I doubt if as much would get done.

I just get told I'm ungrateful if I argue, and in many ways I do feel lucky to be at home for 9 months and then get to go back 3 days a week.

meemar · 12/12/2008 22:07

well exactly bluebump. If a tidy house was so important to him he'd use that hour after work to come home and tidy.

TBH I don't think the tidyness of the house is the real issue with a lot of men. It's more the idea that they are paying for you to 'stay at home' so they want to see they are getting their money's worth

Sadly, an untidy house is an easy visual reminder of what hasn't been achieved, whereas a well-fed, clean, exercised, stimulated, educated, comforted child is not such an obvious 'end result' when they get home.

I really think men need reminding of this - constantly. DH is really good, but he has had moments of this kind of attitude in the past until I put him straight. If he ever slips back into it now, he know's he's being an arse and will apologise.

Gemzooks · 12/12/2008 22:15

God you're so right meemar. It's like, well would you rather I had mopped the floor, which is anyway not that dirty, or would you rather I read to/played piano with/ decorated the Christmas tree with DS?

ladylush · 12/12/2008 22:16

Great post meemar

meemar · 12/12/2008 22:20

ninjinglebells - tell your DH you are grateful. I do. I know I'm lucky, and we've also made sacrifices for me to be a SAHM and it's something I always knew I wanted to do.

If you've both agreed this is right for your family, your DH should not be resentful of you for having what he sees as the 'easy' option, especially if he wouldn't necessarily do a better job of it than you.

Often the grass is always greener. My DH has said to me a few times 'I don't know how you do it' when he has had extended time alone with the boys .

meemar · 12/12/2008 22:21

thanks

RumMum · 13/12/2008 09:28

Meemar.. I think you are sooooo right.... also my H was quite depressive... hated his job.. life, etc and I think he resented the fact that me and the kids had had a good day.. been to the park ... met up with friends... while he'd been stuck at work all day, hating every minute of it...

Eve34 · 13/12/2008 09:52

Gosh I have missed a lot of this. DO is a lazy arse, but does expect me to do everything, just expects me to leave it. And wonders why I am always up and down in the evening, sorting washing, pack lunches and the such like. I do think he thinks we have faries and have said this to him, he doesn't say anything anymore. I work 2 jobs and have 4 days a weeks at home with DS so do the bulk of thngs but then I get it done right and can relax and enjoy the weekends.

ilovemydog · 13/12/2008 09:59

Yup - apparently if DP was at home with the kids, the house would be, 'spotless...' So he says - which is hillarious as he's the biggest offender of leaving crap around the house!

Also hillarious because when he looks after the kids for the day, nothing is done around the house...

only1malteaser · 13/12/2008 10:18

My DH likes nice clean tidy house but don't we all. I am lucky he doesn't moan if not done he always says he couldn't do what I do, which of cousre he couldn't However, he does, for some reason, have a thing about the ironing not being done??!! To be honest though when he is away from home my house seems to stay tidy which makes me wonder who makes the most mess

ninjinglebells · 13/12/2008 10:18

You're right Meemar he doesn't think I'm grateful enough. He says when DD2 is 1 he's going to work 3 days and I'll have to go back full time .

Since DD2 was born (11 weeks ago) I've had a chest infection, a cold and cough and 2 bad bouts of tonsillitis, but I've got up every day for my daughters. It seems I'm not alloweec to be tired as he's at work. He even expects a cuyp of tea in the mornings!

mrsruffallo · 13/12/2008 10:23

I would be outraged if DH came home and did this.
I think you all really need to sit down and have a serious talk.
You are in a partnership, supposedly supporting each other with love and respect. We would all like to walk into a spotless house but it can't always happen when you have young children.
It's a bit shitty if they can't respect that

sticksantaupyourchimney · 13/12/2008 10:28

It amuses me (when it doesn't make me ) that men claim that they 'can't see' untidiness, mess and dirt and that's why they don't do their share of domestic work. Are the really going to try and argue that they can't see mess when it's their job to clean it up, and somehow one of the many magic powers a PENIS gives is the ability only to detect untidiness when a woman can be beaten up blamed for not doing enough housework to prove she has a functioning vagina?

UnquietDad · 13/12/2008 15:35

He may be in a grumpy mood because that's what work does to people, male and female.

If he is going out to work every day and only sees the house at the beginning and the end of the day, it's going to depress him a bit that he always comes home to an untidy house. On the other hand, if he came in and started tidying up - well, I remember someone moaning on here that their DH did this and they found it - all together now, phrase of the month - "passive-aggressive".

As someone sort of said above, a lot depends on the nature of the relationship you have established. It may annoy you that he sees you as housekeeper as well as the main carer for the child(ren). But this could be because this was not properly laid out at the start of the arrangement and he, not unreasonably, thinks that the person who is at home for the bulk of the day should do the bulk of the tidying-up.

He, for his part, may feel you are taking his income for granted and that he's just being seen as a walking wallet. A lot of men feel this way. He will see that you have the option of doing less or more housework each day as and when you can fit it in. He will feel resentful about this, because it may be that he, in his job, doesn't have the option of doing less or more X to allow him to do more Y. And he can't just come home and day that he's decided to earn less money this month.

You need to re-establish the needs and expectations of the partnership on both sides, if necessary in writing.

UnquietDad · 13/12/2008 15:36

come home and say, that should say.

clam · 13/12/2008 18:26

Sorry to say this but, if my DH came home and said that, it'd only be the once! His guts would be making one hell of a sight more mess festooned round the walls.
He is not your boss! How dare he criticise your work?
I take it that you're not sitting around all day watching Jermey Kyle, but looking after his kids and taking care of the home front generally? Do you quiz him about how much he has achieved during his day? Did he file that report? Visit that client? Handle that complaint effectively? No? That's up to him. So, presumably, the house is up to you.

Don't accept this.

clam · 13/12/2008 18:29

And I agree with whoever said that a tidy house possibly means the kids had a dull day.
My sister used to feel a bit inadequate when she left her DD with a superwoman friend, whose house was immaculate at the end of each playdate and who would let on that she'd also painted the hall ceiling (or whatever) during the afternoon. Until I pointed out to her that she can hardly have been supervising/playing with the kids (2-3year-olds!) that much.

wideratthehips · 13/12/2008 18:41

i think i would get the heebie jeebies if i went to a house that had small children and was tidy..thats not a home to me, it would just seem peculiar.

i imagine your at home to look after your children and not be a drudge tied to the kitchen sink (well thats my rule anyway)

Gemzooks · 13/12/2008 19:09

you can't get a proper nanny who will also do ALL the household tasks, including full cleaning, cooking, washing etc. simply because it's not possible and no one would take a job like that. So why should a woman be expected to do it all?

piscesmoon · 13/12/2008 19:21

Exactly Gemzooks! It all depends on whether you want a house or a home-I like the latter.

clam · 13/12/2008 19:28

And another thing... (just realised, I'm ranting quite a lot on here today!), WHY is it that men (because sorry, it usually is them) have come to expect that if they're out at work, they can't then come home and put the hoover round or cook dinner? When I've put in a 10 hour day at work, I come home to a dishwasher that needs unstacking, then re-stacking, tea that needs cooking, kids that need to be heard read etc.... I get on with it, and so does DH, if he gets in before me.
And not long ago, DH had some time off with the kids whilst I was working and I came home to a pigsty. To my shame, I did raise an eyebrow and say something along the lines of "wow! What happened here, then?" to which he replied, tersely, "We've been playing, actually. Then we went out to the zoo. Then we had a picnic in the lounge....." Fair enough.
I neglected to mention the old "multi-tasking" word for the sake of keeping the peace. I therefore expect the same courtesy from him.

izyboy · 13/12/2008 19:40

My DH is not like this at all. He has a very stressful job but comes home ALWAYS with a pleasant demeanour. He has a quick gulp of tea and then bathes the kids. I, on the other hand, have been known to be in a vile mood at tea time. I am a SAHM and find 6:00 pm is about my limit for how much I can take of little people and their 'needs'.

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