Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Is he right...more verbal abuse.

70 replies

micko · 11/12/2008 23:47

My dh has been working long hours and weekends recently. This means I look after our 2 year old 24/7. I NEVER get a break... no family to help, no friends with young children, as he was a midlife surprise and theirs are grown up. I have two older kids but they are busy too college/work and school/exams etc. I am trying to set up my own business also but my toddler is very demanding which i dont mind and i try to do alot of stuff with him. We cant afford nursery care at the moment and he is very clingy anyway.

He has been assessed as a gifted child so he needs constant attention. I do try to take him to playgroups etc, he lacks socal skills as the hv warned me he might.

I have just announced that i am going to get up earlier in the mornings to try to get ahead of myself each day while he is still asleep and dh sneered and said i won't do it. Has called me lazy.

I said that I am really tired and he said "why are you tired?" My defense was small kids can be mentally draining sometimes and I don't get a break. His reply was "well what do all the others with toddlers do, and anyway i don't come home moaning about working."

It has been vile for a while. After reading the two current threads about verbal/emotional abuse i really feel as if i am a victim. The outcome of the row tonight i have been called a wanker and a twat. I tried to stand up for myself after reading the threads and said to him that he thinks he is a better person than me, he says no i just manage things better than you can.

Last week something happened wont go into detail but basically he said that i had not asked him a particular thing, i KNOW i did and he agreed. He denied it in public and i felt so stupid. He said to me how can you be so sure you said it when you don't even know what day it is half the time.

I realise that the book recommended on the other thread lundy bancroft, i bought it a while back, then dismissed the abuse thinking it must be me , and never read more than afew pages. I am going to read it if i ever get a chance!!

It is confusing because in between the vile outbursts he can be really nice for weeks so i am confused. He goes and talks about me to my older kids and i hate that.

He is really angry as we have a night planned out with friends but i obviously dont feel like it. He will be a real charmer( women love him..v goodlooking etc) and i want to stand up and shout do you know how horrible he can be!!

I hope i can come here just to put down how i am feeling and to get support while i decide what i am going to do next. I have had this for 18 years more or less and it is only really now after reading the stuff today that i think i am ok and it might just be him

OP posts:

justwanttoaskyou · 16/12/2008 18:51

I get called a name or sworn at nearly daily.

themoon66 · 16/12/2008 18:56

In 25 years DH has never, ever called me a name or put me down... even when drunk. He has never lost it with the DC either. I like to think he is normal and the name-callers/abusers are the abnormal ones.

justwanttoaskyou · 16/12/2008 18:59

Thankyou

I have thought about writing down what happens, what he says etc, so i can actually see it iyswim. I have asked him to stop and he says he will each time. 2 months ago he was texting another woman as well (if you know who i am please dont out me on here, i have several mn friends who i dont want to know) and i just feel i am taking so much from him lately.

Salleroo · 16/12/2008 19:00

I've never been called a name either, in 16 years.

Micko, he sounds creepy, good luck with your decision.

Pinkfrogs, hopefully the new year will bring new openings for you, sounds like you have a plan.

Justwanttoaskyou, he sounds like a manipulative prick from the little you have said. If your self esteem is already low he will obliterate it if you let him.

justwanttoaskyou · 16/12/2008 19:01

thankyou for helping me.

mothersmilk · 16/12/2008 20:25

i think its easy to say you should or i would or you cant out up with that when its not you going through the mill when thers children involved it makes it doubley hard abusive relationships take there toll and stay with you forever i know that all to well your better than this and your children deserve more if you continue to put up with this behaviour they will eventually grow up and decide waht to thik of daddy themselves and i guess that wont be alot do you have a mother you can talk to? in my experience being honest with your mum you'll pobably get the best advice you can and its whole lot easier to follow hang in there and try to be strong you sound amazing makes no desitions in the heat of te moment take your time and make a desision you know you and that you will stick too leave him because someone tells you to and your more than likly to go back do something because it feels right for you and its more likely to work

mothersmilk · 16/12/2008 20:25

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 16/12/2008 21:40

no, never been called a name in 17 yrs of marriage

have been told to "shut up" a few times, that is the extent of it

if my dh called me names I would think he had been replaced by an alien, or had suddenly become mentally ill

honestly, it is not normal to verbally (or any other way) abuse someone you are meant to love

grendel · 16/12/2008 22:11

In 24 years I have been called:

'stupid cow' once - but we were trying to lift something very heavy and very fragile at the time and I was being a bit dim and DH nearly dropped it. I did made him apologise afterwards.

'woman' very crossly (as in 'I'm trying to talk to you, woman!') once - but DH had just driven all the way to Scotland and I was being a rather annoying. I immediately challenged him on it, got him to apologise and we hugged and made up.

And that is it. And I have never called DH names either. Sure, we disagree about lots of stuff, and annoy each other from time to time, but it doesn't get nasty 'cos basically we like and respect each other.

Verbal abuse in a relationship is just not normal.

critterjitter · 17/12/2008 17:33

My one used to regularly call me a:

"f**g idiot"
"f**g mentalist"
"Ct" "fg freak"

and then smile and make me a cup of tea 10 minutes later and ask why I looked so miserable! HIs game was to have a sudden outburst in the middle of a conversation when he did the verbal abuse. He'd always deny it afterwards and always say I was being "unreasonable."

critterjitter · 17/12/2008 17:34

That should be 2 stars inbetween the C and the T by the way!

Original poster

micko · 20/12/2008 23:03

I don't think i can take much more

OP posts:

Original poster

micko · 20/12/2008 23:05

I can't take much more sitting here crying and there is no one in rl to talk to

OP posts:

daffodill6 · 20/12/2008 23:31

Hey micko , take a deep breath and you can get through this...

tryingherbest · 21/12/2008 12:51

There are now four posters who recognise their dps are not treating them in way that suggests a normal or loving relationship.

Sadly I think it's quite common.

Pink - you are a very strong person and I hope that you are doing what you want and take pleasure from your adult son being such a wonderful person.

Micko - great if you've got people in rl but if not there is definately help out there.

Just and Eve - hope you are able to work through this.

I think that in the midst of a relationship we start to put up with more and people on the outside are shocked. However, if you feel low and are suffering and compromised, then it needs to be tackled. How - I don't know, but there is help and people out there who can just help you organise your feelings and thoughts and help you come to the right decisions, for you.

SmileySue · 27/12/2008 09:33

I'm about to leave my husband of almost 20 years. I can't remember the first time he was verbally abusive towards me but it was before we were married so how stupid am I? We have 4 children and I am continually accused to having affairs and subject to his control in my everyday life. Having said that he can also be the most loving and affectionate husband and father. He is also an ogre. He is Jekyl and Hyde. I have recently read a book called The Stop Walking on Eggshells workbook because it was suggested to me he may have Borderline Personality Disorder and it's possible this book may provide some insight to your partners as it has for me. I believe he suffers from a mental illness that is not easily diagnosed and consequently has been the ruination of my potential for a happy marraige. I am at my wits end now and am beside my self at the thought of leaving my home and having my beautiful children only part time. What other choice is there? My life with him is miserable and may be better without him. As for what he has called me. Everything. When he is in ogre mode nothing I do will ever be right. He distrusts me, doesn't speak to me and expects me to apologise to him for imagined indescretions. He can also be charming in public but recently some friends have made comments to me about him. I have also had some positive events happen to me this year which he has found hard to cope with. I have come to the conclusion that he doesn't want the best for me if it doesn't work for him so I need to start taking control of my happiness. This has been the most miserable Christmas of my life and now I am contemplating telling my children I am leaving.

laluvsmatthew · 28/12/2008 03:35

there isn't a day goes by i don't get called names like fat ugly useless lazy bitch shit mother tramp waste of space and told how much he hates me and wishes he'd never met me. My p has never changed a nappy washed dressed or really even fed our 11month old and if only plays with him for about 15mins a day i really do do everything 4 our child from 2 night don't get me wrong i don't ask 4 help because i cope fine and i enjoy every minute i spend with my ds but also do all the house work and cooking and although i'm on maternity pay i'm expected to contribute penny for penny with my p. To cut a long story short i thought this was the same as everyone elses relationship as he does the butter wouldn't melt routine when theres company and even when if does throw a psyco if gets on like nothing dvds happened 5 mins later or else ignores me and makes me think its all fault sorry for the rant i just couldn't stop once i got started there

laluvsmatthew · 28/12/2008 03:45

sorry for all the mistakes i'm on my mobile all the if's should be he and dvds should ever stupid predictive text!

dsrplus8 · 28/12/2008 04:30

for u laluv. at your p. get rid, sweetie. hes a uber-wank.pack the toxic little maggots stuff and chuck him out. never let anyone treat you like that again.hes "teaching "your ds to disrespect women, i know ds is just a little babe but he wont stay little, and will take in what he sees soon. you dont get help from the maggot anyway, but you will get peace, less work to do and the chance to rebuild your life!your p is a lasy b waste of space ,not you.dont ever belive his lies for even a second!you deserve so much better

MadamDeathstarOverBethlehem · 28/12/2008 04:44

for you laluvsmatthew as well.

I think the fact that your husbands/partners put on the happy family face when you have company shows that they do know that what they are doing is wrong. Otherwise they would call you names when other people are present.

Flip

1 2 3