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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do I lie to DH to protect his feelings and get a telling off myself or tell the truth and risk him being upset on his birthday?

36 replies

TheGreatChristmasEvie · 10/12/2008 11:51

It is my DH's 30th birthday on Saturday.I have planned a surprise for him-hired a bit of a bar and invited all our friends and family to meet us there all of which he is unususpecting about, so far so good.
DH is one of 6 brothers and sisters who have always supposedly been quite close.I invited all of them to come.Two live abroad so of course cant make it.The other 4 are not coming either because two of them are going on a night out the night before and will be 'too hungover', and the other two are going to a party (which they decided to go to after id invited them to DH's thing.
I appreciate its a long way to come, they live in Sheffield, we are in London.However your brother is only 30 once!And for one of their 40th's in Summer huge effort was made.

So we will get to Saturday.DH will see everyone at the party.He will look around and see none of his family and he will ask why they are not there.
Do I tell him the truth that I asked them and they didnt come?(He will be pretty hurt by this-he loves his family and has always had this thing that because he is the youngest by 8 years he has always been overlooked-he will see this as another example of that) Or do I lie and say I just didnt ask them (say I just didnt ask as I didnt think they would want to come or something),probably get a bit told off later on for leaving his family out, but at least spare his feelings?

And secondly do I tell the family how farked off with them I am?I know the answer to that is 'no' of course but would love to tear a strip off them!I wont obv.But would LOVE to.

OP posts:

Geepers · 10/12/2008 11:54

Hmmm, unsure about what to tell your DH, but I would definately tell his family how annoyed you are that they are not making the effort.

LoveMyGirls · 10/12/2008 11:57

I would email them and ask them again to reconsider, maybe they all think as there is 6 of them that a few of them will make it they might not realise there will be none of his family there?

MerryChristmasPANDAGHappy09 · 10/12/2008 11:57

tell the truth - that you asked them, but unfortunately they were unable to come. wouldn't elaborate and say cos going to a differnet party or will be too hung over, but surely better to tell the truth?

LoveMyGirls · 10/12/2008 11:57

Oh btw I wouldn't lie and make his family look good, tell him the truth.

JingleBennysAndJooniper · 10/12/2008 11:59

Tell the truth, but just say they couldn't make it

Otherwise he is bound to find out later that you did invite them isn't he?

ChristmasDisco · 10/12/2008 12:00

I too would ask them to reconsider, as LMG says they may not realise noone is going.

WalkinginWaynettaWonderland · 10/12/2008 12:00

IF he asks, and he may well not, why can't you just say "they weren't able to make it, but look, all your friends are here!" and then leave it at that.

Dropdeadfred · 10/12/2008 12:01

could it be that travelling from to London this close to christmas is too expensive for them?

if i did email them i would put the dilemma in their hands..ask them what excuse they would like you to give their brother is he should ask why they are not there?

SantaGotStuckUpTheGreensleeve · 10/12/2008 12:02

Oh no, how difficult

I would ring his siblings and beg, personally. But if they don't relent, I would tell him the truth and support him through the hurt, because I hate secrets between me and dh. It infantilises him to lie.

ajandjjmum · 10/12/2008 12:07

Ask his siblings the question?

themoon66 · 10/12/2008 12:07

Tell him the truth, but only if he asks. Otherwise keep quiet.

They may send cards to him saying 'sorry we couldnt make it' so he will find out anyway.

ingles2 · 10/12/2008 12:09

no, don't lie. Why not sent a group email to all the siblings saying you think dh will be really upset that no-one can come, and is there any way you can make it easier for them.
Then leave it at that.
They're not upset because you organised the party and not them are they?

Original poster

TheGreatChristmasEvie · 10/12/2008 12:20

His sister emailed me yesterday to tell me that there had been 'lots of discussion' about it (they all live on the same street next door to their parents and that two of them had been going to come but they are going on these other nights out the day before so now wont be able to.
I replied to say that DH would be really dissappointed when he sees they are not there and offered to leave them the keys to our house with a neighbour in case they wanted to stay there (if expense was an issue, which I doubt TBH, they are none of them on the breadline)We wont be there as we are staying in a hotel as a treat.
I have had no response

There has never been any mention of them doing anything for DH's birthday.In fact his parents have gone on holiday!(something he is already slightly peeved about, not in a pathetic mumsy way, just a bit )

For the brothers 40th in summer we all had to trek to a remote cottage in the middle of nowhere at huge expense.Slide shows of old family pictures were made and set to music.A formal dinner was held.When he considers the effort and expense put into that I dont think DH will be able to help seeing the negative comparison if he knows the truth and I just dont want him to feel like that.

OP posts:

idlingabout · 10/12/2008 12:21

Tell him the truth.You should not shield his selfish family by taking any 'blame'.
I have a DP with a birthday next week and his family are shockers for just doing the minimum for him and giving him his present at Christmas as it is easier. Much more effort is made for the other siblings with summer birthdays.
Ok, this time of year is busy but it is your DH's 30th and it is always his birthday that date - not exactly a surprise and neither is Christmas.

TooFoggy · 10/12/2008 12:45

I would give up on them, except perhaps an email asking when the special slide shows of old family pictures set to music will be arriving Make sure its a great party with loads of pictures and email them to them next year with no comment maybe. Write DH an IOU for a special birthday BJ and if he looks a bit down distract him with it? I hope you both have a great time.

JingleBonesJun · 10/12/2008 12:50

I'd be tempted so soften the blow somehow. My sis organised a surprise party for my dad and said she'd invited all his work colleagues, none of whom came. She didn't even invite me (was living in another town - this was her excuse ) so am dubious that she did invite all his colleagues but my dad never forgot it even years later.

thumbElf · 10/12/2008 12:56

no, tell him you invited them, don't lie about it, it will come back to haunt you if you do. Soften the blow by saying they were sorry they couldn't make it; but don't give their excuses for them.

travellingwilbury · 10/12/2008 13:00

I would tell him as well

Do you think the family could maybe send something down for him or maybe offer to pay for a couple of bottles of champagne on the night so at least it looks like they have made an effort .

It is sad you are having to think about it rather than them coming up with ideas themselves .

WalkinginWaynettaWonderland · 10/12/2008 13:07

You mention his brother's 40th......
Now it may just be me, but to me a 40th is a much bigger deal than a 30th. could it just be that they are viewing it as "just another birthday", whereas you are viewing it as a big one?

wannaBe · 10/12/2008 13:09

have his family always been like this? You say they are very close - it sounds as if the 4 siblings are close but that dh is essentially not one of them.

tbh I wouldn't lie for them. And if they're always this uncommitted to your dh then I imagine he would suspect anyway.

I know it will hurt but better he know the truth than find out at a later date..

fatjac · 10/12/2008 13:21

If he asks you tell him the truth. Why would you want to put yourself in the position of lying to your husband?

OK I can see how you would want to protect his feelings but he is 30 fgs. If his whole family really think so little of him that is something he is going to have to face up to.

dingdong05 · 10/12/2008 13:25

I'm with the tell him the truth, but there's no reason to elaborate thing.
And now you've told them how disappointed he'll be leave it at that. I wouldn't keep piling the guilt on, if they don't change their mind then it'll make you feel worse and them get resentful.
And maybe Waynetta has a point- 40 is a big birthday, but 30 is more of a personal landmark and has quite recently been used as an excuse for a big "do" because there was such a long wait from 21 to 40

ISawMumiKissingSantaClaus · 10/12/2008 13:53

My DP invited all his own friends to his own 30th party recently. Not one showed up.
Funnily enough, although his birthday is near Halloween, both are the same date every year and not a surprise, so he took it very personally.

So, chances are your DH will be overwhelmed not only by the surprise party but the lovely friends who did come, not to mention the lovely DW who organised it all.

But if he asks, tell the truth.
We're always gallivanting around the country for other people but shall be thinking on about that in the future.

ISawMumiKissingSantaClaus · 10/12/2008 13:54

Really lame excuses from his family by the way

Original poster

TheGreatChristmasEvie · 10/12/2008 13:56

Well I can clearly remember going to parties for their 30ths so...(plus I dont see why 40 is a bigger birthday that 30 really, is all relative I suppose but at 29 I see turning 30 as a big milestone as does DH)

DH is the youngest by 7 years and has always felt a bit left out by the others who (naturally due to age gap) did lots of stuff without him growing up.Apart from us and the two who live abroad the rest live next to each other and only really socialize with each other (IMO privately, They are quite sad TBH but thats by the by)
We have made the break, for our own sanity really, by moving to London and are both happy to have done so.DH is less 'in the fold' than he used to be but they are a very cloying sort of family and it is difficult for him to shake off the vestiges of this.Which is why I know he will be upset they are not there (hence why I was considering lying to save his feelings)

sigh

OP posts:

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