Do I lie to DH to protect his feelings and get a telling off myself or tell the truth and risk him being upset on his birthday?

[TheGreatChristmasEvie]

It is my DH's 30th birthday on Saturday.I have planned a surprise for him-hired a bit of a bar and invited all our friends and family to meet us there all of which he is unususpecting about, so far so good.
DH is one of 6 brothers and sisters who have always supposedly been quite close.I invited all of them to come.Two live abroad so of course cant make it.The other 4 are not coming either because two of them are going on a night out the night before and will be 'too hungover', and the other two are going to a party (which they decided to go to after id invited them to DH's thing.
I appreciate its a long way to come, they live in Sheffield, we are in London.However your brother is only 30 once!And for one of their 40th's in Summer huge effort was made.

So we will get to Saturday.DH will see everyone at the party.He will look around and see none of his family and he will ask why they are not there.
Do I tell him the truth that I asked them and they didnt come?(He will be pretty hurt by this-he loves his family and has always had this thing that because he is the youngest by 8 years he has always been overlooked-he will see this as another example of that) Or do I lie and say I just didnt ask them (say I just didnt ask as I didnt think they would want to come or something),probably get a bit told off later on for leaving his family out, but at least spare his feelings?

And secondly do I tell the family how farked off with them I am?I know the answer to that is 'no' of course but would love to tear a strip off them!I wont obv.But would LOVE to.

I think I would tell him the truth, but just not labour the point. He might be more upset to think that you hadn't bothered to invite them, than by their non-attendance. I'm sure he'll have a good time regardless, and be chuffed at the effort you have been to

ISawMumiKissingSantaClaus-you make a good point.Think we will think twice re spending as much time, effort and money on stuff with his family after this.
That week away for the 40th ended up being our holiday this year.I was NOT happy!Andn with this now I am raging about it

I think I need to calm down Is pre party nerves.What if no one comes?!

I think they sound mean and insensitive and should make an effort to come to the party and the going out thing is a weak excuse.

HOWEVER, I agree that in my family a 40th is seen as a much bigger deal than a 20th. So as long as they make a better effort in 10 years time maybe not so bad....

Everyone I know, myself included, just went out drinking, clubbing etc for 30th wheras 40th parties/specific events seem much more common.

30th not 20th!

I would let his family know how it makes him feel. We just moved back to the US from the UK and 2 of my 3 brothers didn't bother to call or email. One of them didn't reply to an email I'd sent asking a specific question. I was quite down about it (the move has been hard in a lot of ways) and my DH called my brother and told him so. Brother called me that night and we had a nice chat.

If you can get through to them that they've hurt his feelings they might step up and call or send cards or something. Sorry they're such hard work.

xfabba-its quite a funky bar that I have reserved an area in so its more a night out than a party..there are about 20 people coming.However I deliberately didnt pick somewhere so outrageous that anyone would feel uncomfortable (FGS his nearers bros and sisters are 37 and 38, hardly ancient)Those who want to go are on the guest list for a club for afterwards.
I didnt want to do a massive formal party.Would be a bit staid for a 30th I agree,more just a night out.But the feckers could still have come!

Well I have sent my email saying how dissapointed he will be..we are seeing them at a family wedding on the 28th Dec, so if its mentioned I think I will politely mention that I think it was a bit lax.Hopefully DH will have such a nice time with everyone else that he wont mind too much on the actual night that they arent there.

On the bright side, my own brother who I havent seen all year is coming, which is great And DH's work have offered to out £150 'behind the bar' for him, which is lovely and he will be really chuffed about.

Don't carry the can yourself - it's for your DH's siblings to justify, not you. Their decision not to come.

I would tell him the truth tbh. Why should he be mad with you when you have tried your best?

I hope you have a good party anyway.

Tell the truth, you tried your best here.

I also think the roots to all this go far deeper than them not attending his party. His parents and siblings do not sound all that emotionally healthy to be honest with you.

Don?t mention it before or during. If he asks afterwards then mention it. No point rubbing it in.

Family can be a real PITA sometimes. My DH had a recent milestone birthday. Not a single card, let alone a gift, from either sibling or parents. Parents do live abroad and so use the excuse of "expensive postage" Fortunately my side of the family made a big fuss, lots of cards, thoughtful gifts etc. I took him away for the weekend with the DDs as his birthday was on a Sat. His mum leaves several messages on the answerphone on Sunday (day after birthday). I speak to her on Sunday evening and she is cross with me for not telling her we were going away!??!! Despite her still phoning late, making no effort with card/gift and almost implying that I should have rung her. Family truly drive me spare.

I could be making a sweeping statement that is only true in my family, but I believe girls are much better at keeping sibling relationships together. Family of boys seem much more likely to drift apart as they never send cards, forget to phone, make little effort organising get togethers. Perhaps his brothers are just as bad

Defo the right thing thing to do as it would ahve come out.