Should I stick to my guns or give in for DHs sake? - advice on whether I'm being a selfish cow re inlaws

[greeneyes1975]

A few months ago DHs parents (who recently moved to Spain) came to stay with me, dh and dd. It was a nightmare visit with years of pent up resentment on both sides leading to a huge argument. Basically I've got issues with DHs dad who is a bully and a racist. For years I've put up with his dads behaviour towards me (and my dh) for a quiet life and not to rock the boat. However, with dd birth I decided I was sick of putting up with their treatment of me and to stick up for myself and my family. DH, after years of being bullied by his dad, is meek and lacks confidence and cannot stick up to his dad for himself let alone me. There are so many instances of his dad treating me in an unacceptable way, but to give you a flavour, a couple of things which have upset me recently:

1. DH dad ringing my house and when I dont answer (I'm in the bath, dh is out)ringing my mum and screaming at her down the phone, asking where I am. WTF? Its none of his business!
2. Telling me its unacceptable for me to return to work because I have a child despite me explaining I need to work to pay the mortgage.
3. Being told that I am not welcoming enough when they visited recently because I was reading a magazine during part of the visit and sat in a separate room from them to feed dd.

So many more examples but dont want to bore everyone rigid. Anyway, the upshot of the argument was that dh dad said he wouldnt visit ever again. I was secretly pleased although told dh that of course I understand if he wants to visit his parents, take dd with him etc however I will not have anything more to do with his dad because I can no longer cope with the stress of seeing him and its got to the point where I feel physically sick when I see him.

Tonight dhs mum has rung to say they want to visit us on boxing day. I told dh that if they came to my house on boxing day I will file divorce proceedings. For the last 10 years I have been entertaining his parents on boxing day, slaving away in the kitchen while they do nothing. I was even cooking for them on the boxing day 1 week after I gave birth and was recovering from a c-section. Last year, his dad rang to complain about the food I cooked (I cooked turkey even though I'm a vegetarian) saying there wasnt enough food etc. I just dont feel I should have to put up with this anymore and I dont want my dd to witness her mother being treated so badly. I've had to accept that my dh cannot stand up to his dad but I feel now that I shouldn't have to tolerate his dad anymore just because I married his son.

DH is now distraught, because hes told his parents they cant visit on boxing day but they can visit the day after. I've said I will stay at a friends house for the day and return home only when his parents have left. DH is begging me to stay so that his parents wont have a go at him I think ie wheres your wife, why isnt she he etc etc. Am I being a selfish cow by staying at a friends or should I just put up with his dad as its only once a year??

Thanks for reading all this... would really valuable others opinions as I'm sitting here feeling guilty about upsetting dh.

He sounds like a thoroughly nasty fucker.
Bollocjks to them.
I would have lost it loooon ago.

Well, I think threatening divorce is a bit much, but I don't think YABU to not be there when they visit.

Let them question your DH. Maybe that'll teach him that you are his wife, you come first and to tell his dad to FO.

No, stay away. you've done more than enough to appease everyone, urgh they sound awful. I kno your DH is stuck between a rock and a hard place, but really he should have stood up for you more. Cooking a week after a section? And then allowing his father to ring and complain about the food? FARK OFF!

I can see why this is hard for you and at first i thought that I really couldn't think what advice I'd have. However, on reflection I think you should stick to your guns. I know it's a little unsupportive of you. but to be fair your dh hasn't been supportive of you either. You are being very understanding and by the sounds of it not even expecting or asking him to stand up to his father, but fwiw I think that an uncomfortable day with his parent may help him to be more confident with them.

Someone needs to stand up to him, not continue to let him get away with it. He sounds hateful. I couldn't stand someone like that in my house either.

Hmmmm...I'm not sure. Unfortuantely I think that you should be there. It's only one day a year and really for your DHs and DDs sakes can't you cope for one day? If you don't want to cook, get food in or your DH can do it. I just don't think it's realistic to completely cut your inlaws out of your life.
Having said that, I really do feel for you though. My MIL can be a witch and I would love to not have to deal with her but I know it isn't an option.

would it not be better to present a united front? They are welcome but with priviso that you both would like pleasant atmos this time?

and i would tell your dh to grow some balls and quickly or you will bail out next year..

welcome him and wife and if when he gets into full swing ask for a quiet word in another room and explain this will just not be tolerated please treat us with respect..
treat him as you would a toddler

he does sound a nasty bullying fecker, dont let him get away with it on your patch..

I think that I'd tell DH that I would be there, but not be responsible for cooking/ providing drinks etc. And that if his dad stepped out of line with his behaviour, that you would be leaving the house as you will not accept the kind of verbal abuse you have previously been subjected to. It's then up to him to decide whether it is worth it. I don't think he should be pressurising you though

And then, should he accept these terms, then be terribly polite to them, and when the boundaries are transgressed, tell FIL very clearly what has been unacceptable, and that you will not be spoken to like that, and go to your friends. But remain calm, like speaking to a toddler who has been having a strop.

I would stay on the condition that your dh tells his parents that they must respect his wife, he can choose to do that or to agree that you go elsewhere.

I wouldn't stay...in fact I'd be annoyed they are in my house even with me not there.
I would suggest that DH visit them instead so that his dad can show off his cooking skills etc

seriously i would also take the reposnibility for explaining away from my DH..just phne the MIL/FIL and tell them that you will not be there yourself...and explain why.

It has got to the point where dh and I have almost broken up over this. I feel angry that dh cannot stick up for his family and has basically let his dad walk all over us. However, I have resigned myself to the fact that dh is scared of his dad and is unable to support me. When his dad retired from he invited me and dh to a family meal but not dd. Going to the meal would have involved us travelling 200 miles and staying overnight in a hotel so having to leave dd with someone willing to look after a 1 year old.I couldnt believe that he would not invite his own grandaughter. When I asked who was meant to look after his grandaughter his dad said "oh your mum will have to do it" despite me explaining that she was busy and I dint want to be apart from my baby...

i posted as you were posting...could you not do as I suggested?

I hate to say this as it makes me come across all pathetic but even the sound of his dads voice makes me feel ill. I've picked up the phone a couple of times and its dh dad on the other end and I cant pass the phone over to dh quick enough. I dont think I could ring MIL/FIL I'd be a bag of nerves. Just the thought of doing it makes me feel sick. I am normally a confident person in every other area of my life but this man just makes me crumble...

Because dh parents live in spain they have no home of their own in the UK and end up staying in relatives houses so dh and dd cant visit very easily.

He sounds just like my fil, who I cant stand, dh doesnt stand up to him as much as I do but stands up to him much more than he used to. He will now say if you can talk to dw nicely you can leave. I understand it is hard to stand up to your domineering father and it was only when i pointed out that his father was happy to dole out criticism (especially to women, or about gay/homosexual/immigrants) but can not take it that he thought that his dad was being unreasonable, I have managed to wangle my first fil free xmas for 10 years but am going to have to have him for 6 days in january.

Could you email them then or even just a good old letter..in with their christmas card?

If it makes you feel that sick just thinking about it then hopefully you can understand a bit why your husband finds it so hard too?

I would stick to the plan you have now. It's up to your husband if he wants to tell them why you are not there (if they ask) but if he doesn't it's not the end of the world, you won't be there and so it doesn't really matter.

This man is a nasty bully and will get worse if he thinks he can get away with it. Can you have any of your family/friends around on the day to witness his behaviour and maybe that will stop him from being aggressive and rude? He doesn't deserve your hospitality and your DH should really say to him 'behave or you're not welcome any more.'

Unfortunately, they dont like to have any of my family around when they visit. They like to have us "all to themselves". I tried this in the past and invited my parents, brother round etc and they made their displeasure known by refusing to be civil to my parents which made me feel embarrassed and upset my mum who understandably doesnt want to put her and my dad through that again. They dont even like me to leave the house when they visit. Last boxing day I popped out to debenhams for the sales for about an hour and that was held against me...

My dh is very upset by it all and is sitting here trying not to cry and although I want to say I will put up with his parents for the day to try and cheer him up, I dont see why I should just because I'm married to him...

No - you have to follow through on what you have said - otherwise it is just empty threats and your DH and your PIL will have you exactly where they want you.

Leave them to make their own arrangements without you.

If it doesn't suit them, then that is there problem not yours.

God what a horrendous situation. Personally I would stick to my guns and say NO. OR, could you suggest DH meets up with them for, say, a pub lunch on his own?

I'm sorry but I would absolutely NOT tolerate this kind of behaviour - It sounds like it has gone on enough. There HAS to come a point where you put your foot down.

if you go back on your word now it will always be the same...and your dh will still feel that his father's opinion is more important than yours...stick to your word

another vote for stick to your word

Your FIL is an abusive bully and there is no point trying to be polite to him. Definitely don't try and placate him: if your mum and dad don't want to come round again while he is there, invite some friends (good ones, warn them what he's like and promise them a decent dinner party without FIL or your everlasting gratitude or some other sort of bribe if they will only come and support you this time). Remember that a bully can only bully you as much as he is allowed to; treat him like a naughty toddler and if he complains about you inviting other guests say, 'Well, we wanted to.' Use basic assertiveness ie tell him what#s going to happen in a single sentence, and don't be drawn into arguments.
YOur FIL cannot do worse than say rude things. If he actually does ie he tries to hit or manhandle you to enforce his wishes, then call the police (though I doubt it would get that far).

I am sorry for your DH though - if he has been abused by this horrid man all his life he will find it very hard to stand up to him. Please don't blame your DH too much for not being able to put his foot down and being afraid of his father.

I know someone a lot like your FIL and I think you really need to put your foot down as far as FIL is concerned.

You're feeling guilty because your dh is upset, so why doesn't he feel guilty about wanting you to put up with FIL's nastiness?

Good for you for standing up for yourself. Your FIL sounds like a horrible bully. Stick to your guns re: their visit. Why should you have to put up wit that kind of behaviour? I certainly wouldn't.