Should I stick to my guns or give in for DHs sake? - advice on whether I'm being a selfish cow re inlaws

[greeneyes1975]

A few months ago DHs parents (who recently moved to Spain) came to stay with me, dh and dd. It was a nightmare visit with years of pent up resentment on both sides leading to a huge argument. Basically I've got issues with DHs dad who is a bully and a racist. For years I've put up with his dads behaviour towards me (and my dh) for a quiet life and not to rock the boat. However, with dd birth I decided I was sick of putting up with their treatment of me and to stick up for myself and my family. DH, after years of being bullied by his dad, is meek and lacks confidence and cannot stick up to his dad for himself let alone me. There are so many instances of his dad treating me in an unacceptable way, but to give you a flavour, a couple of things which have upset me recently:

1. DH dad ringing my house and when I dont answer (I'm in the bath, dh is out)ringing my mum and screaming at her down the phone, asking where I am. WTF? Its none of his business!
2. Telling me its unacceptable for me to return to work because I have a child despite me explaining I need to work to pay the mortgage.
3. Being told that I am not welcoming enough when they visited recently because I was reading a magazine during part of the visit and sat in a separate room from them to feed dd.

So many more examples but dont want to bore everyone rigid. Anyway, the upshot of the argument was that dh dad said he wouldnt visit ever again. I was secretly pleased although told dh that of course I understand if he wants to visit his parents, take dd with him etc however I will not have anything more to do with his dad because I can no longer cope with the stress of seeing him and its got to the point where I feel physically sick when I see him.

Tonight dhs mum has rung to say they want to visit us on boxing day. I told dh that if they came to my house on boxing day I will file divorce proceedings. For the last 10 years I have been entertaining his parents on boxing day, slaving away in the kitchen while they do nothing. I was even cooking for them on the boxing day 1 week after I gave birth and was recovering from a c-section. Last year, his dad rang to complain about the food I cooked (I cooked turkey even though I'm a vegetarian) saying there wasnt enough food etc. I just dont feel I should have to put up with this anymore and I dont want my dd to witness her mother being treated so badly. I've had to accept that my dh cannot stand up to his dad but I feel now that I shouldn't have to tolerate his dad anymore just because I married his son.

DH is now distraught, because hes told his parents they cant visit on boxing day but they can visit the day after. I've said I will stay at a friends house for the day and return home only when his parents have left. DH is begging me to stay so that his parents wont have a go at him I think ie wheres your wife, why isnt she he etc etc. Am I being a selfish cow by staying at a friends or should I just put up with his dad as its only once a year??

Thanks for reading all this... would really valuable others opinions as I'm sitting here feeling guilty about upsetting dh.

Good point from Coppertop.
Why isnt your dh really angry with his dad for the way he has treated you?

If you feel nervous and too scared/sickened to spek to your FIL on the phone imagine how your dh must feel...
It must be so tough for him to stand up tot his malicious blly after years of conditioning...

But what's the worst that ould happen..they live in spain so you are not goin to miss seeing them (not that you would anyway) if they decide to withold their company..if you are not there on Boxing day or you have visitors then what can they actually DO?? Nothing...once the day has happened it's too late..if they phone to moan put tem on answer machine and then wipe their mesage...

Give in this year and you can wave goodbye to the next 10 years of Boxing Days as well. Don't feel guilty for not putting up with that.

I think (and other threads on here would suggest) that it is very difficult for the child of toxic parents to stand up to them, even in defence of a much-loved spouse, and the OP's DH is not being lazy or selfish or thoughtless - he's scared of his father who has bullied him all his life.
DDF is right: what can they actually do? Unless a bully is actually dangerous (ie someone who is going to assault you), once you can say to yourself 'this person is a know and I don't care what he/she says to me because his/her opinion is worthless' not only will you not be harmed by the nastiness, but you will have the satisfaction of watching the bully get madder and madder making a spectacular idiot of him/herself.

I'd be there for your DH tbh and stand up for your family if he isn't able to. I like the back-up plan of walking out if X happens though, so you remain in control.

He's an unpleasant bully, but leaving the house is rather like letting him win - he gets a day with your DH and he gets to complain about you.

I would buy your DH a copy of "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward and arrange for both of you to have Relate counselling both separately and together.

As Sticksanta rightly points out it is extremely difficult to stand up to a toxic parent (and I include his Mother in that statement as well as she is a bystander) after being emotionally bullied by them for years.

Do not have them over on Boxing Day. Time to draw a line in the sand.

Can you meet them out somewhere? Then if FIL starts his stuff DH can just say something like "I can see you are tired and finding the visit unpleasant so we will be going now" and leave. Keep your things fairly well together for a quick getaway and just go.

Or if your PIL have to come over, then practice with DH about something he can say such as "You will not talk to my wife like that", to be repeated record like until FIL either stops or DH has to introduce the variant "I think you have said enough and can leave now".

Please don't threaten your DH with divorce although he should be standing up for you. It is very hard to stand up to parents after decades of conditioning. The important thing is, does he agree he should be standing up to them, will he do the necessary such as reading books and getting counselling to do that.

Well, neither DH or I got much sleep last night with all the worry about the impending visit. DH has started saying that he is worried his father will punch him if he stands up to him etc. He was regaling me with horror stories about how when he was younger, his father was always punching the furniture when he argued with DH mum. Last visit when I politely asked FIL to stop shouting, he said something like "well would you rather I punched my wife instead" which I thought was quite chilling at the time. Though to my knowledge he has never hit my MIL, but then you never know what goes on behind closed doors. MIL is actually threatening to leave FIL because she is no longer able to put up with her husbands behaviour. Apparently he is well known in the village they live in as being a bit of a bully...

Thanks for everyones comments. I still feel I shouldnt have to put up with this man, especially as he makes me feel physically ill. I was abused as a child by one of my mums boyfriends (never told my mum, was to scared) so do get a bit agitated around domineering men. I take on board comments about not giving into FIL by leaving house and also putting on a united front with DH by staying at home. The idea of inviting friends around is a good one, at least it would give me some confidence. Will give it some more thought. Thanks again.

My MIL is a domineering bully (can't stand her) so I understand the problem!

however... if you go out for the day won't it make it even more awkward next time? over the years it will be awkward for DD and very stressful and upsetting for DH (a huge strain being stuck in the middle).

I'd say see them this year - present a united front with DH. But make the visit short - maybe go out for pub lunch or let DH cook. If he behaves badly ask him to leave and next year don't see them.

Try and make the visit on your terms and don't allow him to dominate.

Does your DH actually want his father in his (and his wife and dc's) life though?

he sounds awful and I cannot imagine why your DH would want to have this man involved in his or your DDs life

time for DH to grow a backbone, even if it has to be done by writing a letter or sending an email - tell them that from now on Boxing day is just for the 3 of you and you won't be entertaining anyone, just having some quiet family time

DH just keeps saying "well they are my family". I point out that yes, they are his parents but this does not justify them treating us badly. I wish DH would grow a backbone but he is such a non confrontational person he would put up with anything to avoid a row. I think this is partly because of how he was treated by his dad when he was growing up. Sadly I think its to late for him to ever gain any confidence where his family are concerned.

I understand this situation because (v sadly) my mil is a bully and everyone in dh's family (apart from my dh and me) dances to her tune. I really wish this weren't the case - we tried very hard for 14 yrs to keep it all v. civilised - but sadly her behaviour was so manipulative and potentially divisive that it wasn't possible.

Even now, it's quite difficult for my dh - who is a very gentle typical English gentleman - to stand up to her.
Nevertheless, it really is a dh's role to defend you, and to stand up for his dw and family. You shouldn't be put in the middle of this or at the forefront for that matter.

Personally, I wouldn't leave the house while they visit. I think it is really important that you present a united front and that you both insist that your fil behaves in an acceptable manner. If he doesn't - and if there is a threat of violence hanging over all of this then it's a no-brainer anyway (partic with dc in the house) - then your dh (backed up by you) MUST calmly ask him to leave.

If your dh is torn/ambivalent about the situation then I suggest he sees a psychologist/counsellor to give him some support and perhaps even "permission" to stand up to his father.

I think if you leave for the day then you are giving a very mixed message. One that you don't support your dh and that you are not together on this as a couple (which will give your fil more ammunition against you). And two, that it is acceptable for them to visit on their terms.

The only way things will change is if you both together set the rules (being as reasonable as possible in the circumstances but standing firm nonetheless) and then give them a choice or not as to whether they conform. If your fil can't respect the rules of the household ie being respectful to you and his son, then in a sense it's his "choice" if he doesn't visit again.

am so sorry for you and your dh being in this horrible situation but maybe you could try pointing out that if your FIL bullied your DH why would he expect any different from him in his behaviour towards you DD

its just not acceptable

I really understand what you say about your dh doing anything to avoid a row. My dh hates confrontation too!!

But it got to the stage where it was causing such a huge rift in our relationship and we were constantly rowing about it that it became clear that something had to be done. I hate either/or choices because life is not black and white - its shades of grey - but in the end your dh has to decide whose side he is on.

Is it acceptable for your fil to demand your whereabouts at all times and to expect you to cook for them 1 week after a c-section? Absolutely not! Your dh surely cannot be equivocal about this ....????

Your fil sounds very frightened behind all of this (he is afraid of losing control - like all bullies) and once he is stood up to in no uncertain terms - things may improve quite quickly. If not, then it is their loss.

I really, really sympathise with you though because these sorts of situations are incredibly stressful ...

countingthegreyhairs is spot on and said (very clearly) exactly what I was going to say. If you could bear to be there, I think you need to be able to support your dh (which is what I think you want to do). But dh MUST support you, and not let fil treat you with rudeness or disrespect. Your dh doesn't sound as though he would find it easy though...

What a grim scenario. In an ideal world, what would you and your dh want to do? Does dh want to keep his father in his life? Does he put up with his dad to "protect" his mum? Would it be so awful if his dad walked out of his life?

Suggest counselling to help your dh at some point.... either to face up to his father, or to deal with the toxic parenting he has experienced...

Can you work up to actually telling FIL off when he misbehaves? I realise this will take some doing. You did well to tell him to stop shouting and you can build on that. Incidentally, if he threatens to hit his wife you can tell him that if he does, you will call the cops. She'd probably be quite grateful to you. I do hope you manage to deal with this whether it's this year or another one. Good luck.