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Original poster

My Mother has told me she isn't giving me a Christmas present this year, should I still give her hers?

37 replies

merrykittymas · 06/12/2008 22:15

There's a lot of history between my Mother and I basically for some reason she has always been jealous of me and will use anything she can to put me down, this has been going on throughout my childhood and beyond (I have had couselling in the past for low self esteem and depression).

Anyway she has been to see me twice this year, I had DD3 in July and she has seen her for all of 2 hours since. I have practically given up having any kind of relationship with her. If she does phone I want to slit my wrists afterwards as she is so depressing, she will only tell me stories of misery as if she gloats in it and is always trying to make me feel sorry for her (she's always skint and dying of some illness).

So latest phonecall she tells me that she is planning to come up and visit next week as SIL has passed her test and will drive her (she lives an hour away) and will not get the train as she cannot afford it so she says I am bringing the DDs Christmas, money which is fine although thats because she cannot be bothered shopping for them. She also said oh I'm not getting you or DP anything as you said not to a while ago. Now I'm not bothered that I am not getting the usual £25 in a card but I have bought her and stepdad some presents and DP has said I have not to give her them now.

Now I know for a fact she can afford it and this is a feel sorry for me thing which is besides the point I have 3 DC she is giving money too and my Brother and SIL don't have children. I think I should still give the gifts as 1) it's not the spirit of Christmas that you give presents as you expect to receive them and 2) I have bought them already.

Her impending visit is going to be hard enough as my tongue will be bitten away with her comments on DD3 "oh look she's got big" (well she would have done in 5 months). This is the same DD3 that she thought I would be better mcing as 3 DC would be expensive and noone has 3 kids these days

so my question reall is - would you still give the presents?

OP posts:
Heated · 06/12/2008 22:18

If she's diverting the money she would have spent on you and dp to the children, then yes.

If the presents can't usefully be diverted to someone else, then yes.

ramonaquimby · 06/12/2008 22:19

yes for the 2 reasons you gave
esp the first reason

thisisyesterday · 06/12/2008 22:21

yes, i would still give the gifts.
as you say, you don't give because you expect to receive.

and if you really did say a while back that you shouldn;t do presents then it sounds fair enough, albeit a bit short notice lol

TheVirginGoober · 06/12/2008 22:21

No.
Your DP is right.
Get a much smaller "token" gift from your DCs, like a box of chocolates for her and your stepDad to share but not the original larger gift you already have.

yousaidit · 06/12/2008 22:21

Yes. and tell her if she's giving your dcs money she can put that in an envelope and post it rather than having to deliver it in person?

quint · 06/12/2008 22:22

How old are you?

I buy people presents but don;t expect to get one back.

FFS be the bigger person here and give her the present, but if it really pisses you off don;t get her one next year.

Original poster
merrykittymas · 06/12/2008 22:28

I remember something last Christmas when she was doing her usual "oh I don't know how I am going to be able to afford Christmas this year" moan that I said "well don't worry about presents for us".

This year when she was going through her usual moan about not being able to afford the train fare to visit her grandchildren (£10) I said well use some of the money you are going to give the DCs then as they don't need it and they would rather see their family than have another toy for example and she said no she wouldn't do that.

The last time she was up and moaning about money stepdad was talking about the new pressure washer he had just bought

Actually I'm not really out of pocket for the gifts as hers is a perfume that I was given as a present but don't like and know it's one of her favs and stepdads I bought with Tesco vouchers

OP posts:
DingDongMerrilyOnEI · 06/12/2008 22:28

hi sorry your mum has put you in such a situation as however you look at it someone will be upset by the situation i myself would give the gifts anyway but maybe rethink which ones to give and which to pass into the local nursing home or suchlike iyswim
i think it would make you look like you had been affected by her not buying for you and your DP if you didnt give her a gift and also she has given a gift each to your DCs so has still made a weak effort. FWIW i think your DP is right that she doesnt deserve your effort but you are being the bigger person and are showing that she has no hold over you emotionally. good luck for the visit i hope it isnt too hard dealing with her
xx ei xx

Original poster
merrykittymas · 06/12/2008 22:30

quint - it's not about the "oh she's not giving me one so I'm not getting her one thing" it's another example of her being so twisted she is trying to make me feel sorry for her in that she cannot afford to give us a present (does that make sense)?

I think I am going to give her them

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 06/12/2008 22:31

yes, def be the bigger person and show her that you aren't stooping to her level.

quint · 06/12/2008 22:41

OK - sorry thats what it sounded like.

Agree sounds shit, but you know what she's like, you have 2 choices here, moan about it and let her get you down (not a great choice) or think to yourself, FFS shut up, smile and give her her pressie and then thanks God that you're nothing like her! She's not ever going to change so stop expecting her to and have a fab Christmas!

Original poster
merrykittymas · 06/12/2008 22:48

thanks quint and ei suppose I am just having a moan about it on here, I know what she is like and try not to let her get to me but every now and again something like this will crop up and get to me and make me thinkg "why can't I have a normal Mum, a Mum like my friends have?" anyway I don't and enough self pity I am the one waking up with 3 beautiful girls on Christmas morning and I hope none of them ever think of me as I do of her.

OP posts:
quint · 06/12/2008 23:09

Isn't that what MN is for?! Rant and rave away!

And as you can see what your mum is like, you know how to avoid behaving.

LoveBeingAMummyKissingSanta · 06/12/2008 23:13

Don't think about WHETHER you should or not do yuo WANT too?

lilacclaire · 06/12/2008 23:31

I would give the gifts, especially if she was giving my children something.

critterjitter · 06/12/2008 23:51

Sympathies. I have so many 'issues' with my mum in this area.

Perhaps you should have a really gushing chat with her about all the love you feel for your children, how you would move heaven and earth for them, how even though finances are tight this year you've still gone out of your way to buy them things they'd love for Christmas etc... And wait for it to sink in...

(Do it before she hands over the gifts for your children - - and nothing for you). Let her feel uncomfortable.

Sakura · 07/12/2008 01:35

YEs, give them anyway. You are the bigger person. Though I can completely understand why your DP has suggested not to- he's probably pissed off that she hurt you YET again...
best thing to do with these kind of people is to not let them get a reaction out of you. Give the gift, don't react. Anyone with half a brain knows its a little upsetting to be told by your mother 'I will not be getting you a present this year'.　She damn well knows this, I'm sure. So don't let her have what she wants. Grit your teeth, smile politely and give her the presents you've bought her.

WhiteCrispAnEvenStubbleonchin · 07/12/2008 01:53

"Though I can completely understand why your DP has suggested not to- he's probably pissed off that she hurt you YET again... "

Have experienced similar ourselves/myself, similar to the OP, but Dp and i resolved that the gifts were bought in the spirit of the season. Although the gifts have changed in their 1) monetary value 2) Origin of expression, over the years..

"Who holds the greater heart, the person who bequeathes, or the person in receipt of an object who does not perceive its true value"

dsrplus8 · 07/12/2008 19:46

??????? why do you even speak to her after she said that about your dc3?????? im sorry im with your dh on this, your mums toxic. hope you have a nice xmas with your dh and 3 beautiful kids!i dont think people should take cr*p from people because their related.

ISawMumiKissingSantaClaus · 07/12/2008 20:17

Gove it to her anyway because you know what'll happen, don't you? In the meantime she'll get you a present and leave you looking bad with nothing to give!

ISawMumiKissingSantaClaus · 07/12/2008 20:18

*give

castlesintheair · 07/12/2008 20:24

Agree with Sakura: don't react. Don't provide further ammunition for her. Give her the present. Be polite. Be minimalist

Original poster
merrykittymas · 09/12/2008 16:23

Yes DP gets really cross probably because he sees how much she is getting to me.

Anyway she phoned today "did you get my message about what time I will be up tomorrow? I'm getting picked up at 12"

No is it OK for me to come up etc, just I have to come up and give the DCs their presents.

The two oldest DDs have been quite ill today with raging temps etc I told her this but she was like "well I'll still have to take the chance" again it's this martyr thing of she's willing to risk the plague to visit her grandchildren this is all because SIL is driving her, she's also going on about how scared she is about SIL driving in the weather/dark/just passed her test.

I am utterly dreading tomorrow now, so either I have to be all sweet and bite my tongue about 100 times or just be myself, the thing is she comes out with these blatantly wrong statements for eg "yes I was talking to X about you breastfeeding and telling her that you said for the first 3 weeks it's only half water half milk you give the baby" - WTF I never said anything like that she makes it up as she goes along.

How can I be all nice when she picks up a child she has said would have been better dead?

OP posts:
Original poster
merrykittymas · 09/12/2008 16:24

ps sorry am ranting again

I am giving her the presents was going to get a box of choc too but not going to now

OP posts:
critterjitter · 09/12/2008 17:21

[sad} merrykittymas
Did she say that about one of your children?

If that's the case, I think I'd maybe go out for the day and let her make the journey up, only to find an empty house and unopened door.