My Mother has told me she isn't giving me a Christmas present this year, should I still give her hers?

[merrykittymas]

There's a lot of history between my Mother and I basically for some reason she has always been jealous of me and will use anything she can to put me down, this has been going on throughout my childhood and beyond (I have had couselling in the past for low self esteem and depression).

Anyway she has been to see me twice this year, I had DD3 in July and she has seen her for all of 2 hours since. I have practically given up having any kind of relationship with her. If she does phone I want to slit my wrists afterwards as she is so depressing, she will only tell me stories of misery as if she gloats in it and is always trying to make me feel sorry for her (she's always skint and dying of some illness).

So latest phonecall she tells me that she is planning to come up and visit next week as SIL has passed her test and will drive her (she lives an hour away) and will not get the train as she cannot afford it so she says I am bringing the DDs Christmas, money which is fine although thats because she cannot be bothered shopping for them. She also said oh I'm not getting you or DP anything as you said not to a while ago. Now I'm not bothered that I am not getting the usual £25 in a card but I have bought her and stepdad some presents and DP has said I have not to give her them now.

Now I know for a fact she can afford it and this is a feel sorry for me thing which is besides the point I have 3 DC she is giving money too and my Brother and SIL don't have children. I think I should still give the gifts as 1) it's not the spirit of Christmas that you give presents as you expect to receive them and 2) I have bought them already.

Her impending visit is going to be hard enough as my tongue will be bitten away with her comments on DD3 "oh look she's got big" (well she would have done in 5 months). This is the same DD3 that she thought I would be better mcing as 3 DC would be expensive and noone has 3 kids these days

so my question reall is - would you still give the presents?

I would give her the presents, but I think tomorrow I would be very busy looking after my sick children and spending a lot of time on mumsnet upstairs.

She does sound annoying. Tell her to get off the cross as somebody needs to burn the wood.

"She also said oh I'm not getting you or DP anything as you said not to a while ago. "

did you?

Madamdeathstar - what a bloody awful expression!

critter - I phoned her up in an awful state as I had had a scan and the baby was not the size it should be and they had told me to go away and come back in a week but it was not looking good I told her this and at first she said "oh don't be silly people have small babies SK" then she said "well maybe it's for the best if you lose it as no one has 3 babies these days and 3 would be expensive" She's also told relatives that the only reson we were having another as we were desperate for a boy (untrue) and when I was pregnant with DD3 that we weren't bothered about the sex now as we had had a loss. She has also told me in the past that even if DP was hitting me we should stay together as he is a good father. She is so antiwomen it's frightening she is stuck in the dark ages, women should not work but pander to their men and bear them sons.

beanie - I cannot remember saying this probably when she was having one of her moans last Christmas about having no money I have said well dont' buy us any presents then!

It really isn't about the present, it's the whole martyr I cannot afford to eat or anything thing.

I could be on here all day going through all the things she says and does to make herself look like a victim or to hurt me.

Give the presents

I missed the bit about hoping you would m/c.

I am torn. My mother is alive but that is it. We have no relationship and never will. My choice. So I understand about crap mothers and wanting them to leave you alone, but I also feel if you have a mum, you have a chance.

thenewme - I can understand that and maybe thats why I do still kind of talk to her as I know people out there don't have mothers. She is just one twisted woman. When I had counselling a while back it came out all about my mother and how she preferred my brother (she has told me this that if he had of been born first I wouldn't have been). Anyway she has 2 DC and in me having 3 I have "beaten" her somehow in that it's the only thing she has done have DC so that makes her an expert so by having 3 it's makes more experienced or something. I don't know.

I am giving the presents I am not stooping to her level.

I have fallen for the "I am so poor thing" in the past, she was going on about how embarrassed she was about her living room/hall carpets and she couldn't afford new ones so DP and I gave her some money for them (as she had stored some of our furniture in her spare room) so she gets the carpets fine but then FIL comes to see us in a new car and goes on about a new PC he had bought the poor thing is a load of crap.

She does sound massively toxic merrykittymas.

Would your children be really disappointed if she didn't come up at all tomorrow? If not, I'd just ring her tonight and say that something has come up and you'll have to get back to her about rearranging (and don't). Do you think she is getting off on all the issues here? If so, perhaps the best solution would be to remove the audience - so don't see her.

I can remember my mum drumming into me that when she found out she was pregnant, she ran along the high street screaming and crying, because there was no way she wanted another child. She never actually added anything to the effect that she'd subsequently changed her mind and/or feelings. Thanks for that mum, nice way to build your child's self esteem!

Sorry Jangly.

Just following this up for anyone who is interested.

Yes I gave her the presents

But what do you think of this?

Last year she gave DD1 and 2 £25 each and DP and I £25 each.

This year she gives DD1,2 and 3 £50 each and DP and I nothing.

Now remember she was saying how poor she was etc so why give the DDs more, DD3 is 5 months old she could have bought her a rattle. I think it's her twisted way of saying that she doesn't give a toss about DP and I but is giving to her GC.

One opinion is that yes it's great she is giving the DDs £50 each which I will use to buy clothes but to not even buy a token present for your daughter is a bit I buy Christmas presents for DDs nursery teachers and friends.

I know I shouldn't just expect a present, thats not what it's about IYSWIM

not only would I not give the gifts, I'd move house and not tell her.

Why is this woman still in your life? Why? Why? Why? What's the point of having her in your life? I don't get it.

I have had the almost exact same treatment from my aunt, so lots of sympathy (she raised me so more like my mother).

she did this to us a few years back too, and I felt the same (and my DH said the same), but I rose above it (well, tried............I am still bitter), and still give her small gifts as she does still buy for my children so I address anything I now get from them.

I then treat myself to something 'from her' (with the rest of what I may have budgeted for her IYGWIM), and it is something I know I would have loved but she would never have chosen......good all round