I want to "liberate" myself form a so-called friend - can anyone give me some moral support?

[CrushWithEyeliner]

I am so emotional about this, mainly because I chose this person to be DD Godmother and she is just falling so short as both a friend and a GM I just want to let go.

At first I wanted to to know if IWBU but having thought things through my gut instinct is telling me that I would have no respect for myself if I continue with the friendship. She constantly blows me out and has not attended DD birthday or sent a card but gave me a present when she met up with me 2 weeks after, again with a really lame excuse. She is v busy with 2 DD and work but it's not even the meeting up but the lack of a quick call now and then to see how we are - when I speak to her she only talks about HER life and is just really self centered never asks about DD or us in any depth.

It has dawned on me that I am only keeping in contact with her because she was once a lovely friend who I make the error of asking to be a GM. I have just texted her and told her how I feel after the last blow out today. I wasn't rude but honest and I said she wasn't making any effort at all (I couldn't get through on her number or I would have called honestly). I have not heard a response but have been thinking that this may be the last contact I ever have with her.

Has anyone got any advice for me or been through something similar?

anyone/ x

I do know how you feel, and you're not being totally ureasonable however reading your OP it comes across rather as you're annoyed becasue she talks about herself and her life when you want to talk about you and your life.

No, really I don't want to talk about me, just to be asked how DD is would be nice...I feel rotten about the whole thing just wish she wasn't DD GM

If she is a good friend and you get along well then tbh I'd over look the organisation faults she has (late presents etc).
If however you think theres more behind it and she is ignoring you on purpose rather than just being busy, then you are justified in bringing it up with her and asking her if theres a problem between you.

I d think though that if a friend texted me to say she was pissed off for me making no effort when I'd just given her child a birthday present (even if was 2 weeks late) I'd be fuming and wouldnt bother replying!

If you want to let go, do just that, let go. Are you expecting some miraculous turn around in her personality, because it doesn't sound like it will happen. People change, their expectations differ and some people disappoint us.

if you want to keep her as a friend it sounds like you are th one going to have to do the 'chasing'. If you are not bothered, just don't contact her again.

I'm sure you are cross with yourself for choosing such a person as GM...but its not like its your parents being so 'hands off'.

You made the wrong choice as it transpires, but you did what you thought was right at the time.

Time to give up on this one I reckon.

Liberate yourself from your expectations. If you think you made a mistake accept that and don't dwell.

Don't get in contact, or not much, just let it wither. Don't have great big scenes, release yourself from the mental and emotional stress. And personally I'm always amazed by the amount of people who try to reduce what ought to be a fairly serious conversation to text level. If you really want to discuss this with her then you'll have to wait until she deigns to meet you or pick up the phone or at the very least use email where you can blather on forever rather than restrict it to texts of 30 words max.

I have a guilty feeling that I might be a little like the friend you are discribing. I do ask about and after my friends' lives but I'm a bugger to get hold of and the bottom line is this - life gets in the way.

I tend to find, with me, it's phases of crap/none communication and then I have a burst of freedom and I re-engage with everyone again.

I've also noticed I have a tendency towards hibernation in winter. I'm far easier to meet up with in summer!

All of the above considered, I know I'm not selfish or a bad friend. Just a bit flakey! I take too much on to the detriment of friendship sometimes.

So I'd say, go easy on her. Good friends are always on the end of the phone, regardless of what's gone on and regardless of how long it's been since we last spoke.

Dunno how it's gonna pan out now you've sent the text but maybe she'll wake up to herself a bit. I need a kick up the arse like that sometimes

Is she working full time with 2 children? Are you working with 1 or are you a SAHM with 1?

You might be being unrealistic about the demands on her time.

I'm not sure I ask about friend's kids of their lives in depth unless they have something particular going on.

She may be totally unreasonable, or you may be very unrealistic. I think given your text you might have seen the last of her, so if you don't want to lose her you might need to apologise.

Tricky, because I know I have changed as a friend since having my kids (and they're 10 and 8 now!). I am quite useless myself at phoning people (actually never do, am a texter and emailer) and our meetings are certainly a lot lot less. It's not just me though, my friends mostly all have kids now and life is very different.

Like your friend, I usually give presents late (but am very proud of myself when they are on time!). I'm not a bad person though. Just a bit disorganised. Things have changed since having the kids and will continue the same until they flee the nest!!!

My advice would be cut her some slack. Phone her tomorrow and say you texted when angry and want to talk about how you feel. You have one child and she has 2. There is a difference, believe me! That sounds patronising, I don't mean it that way, it's just that I find life now MUCH more hectic than I did when I had one baby.

Thank you all - I didn't text her about the late present, but that I was really let down about her saying that she couldn't come to see us after promising to come down, and brushing it off again saying she was just too busy. I do think the text was a silly thing to do but it was the final straw and I couldn't get through to her.

I always felt no matter how busy you are you can make time for people who you care about. I do with her so much, I send her DDs presents, go to b day parties, cards, and call her to catch up and get nothing back but really lame excuses and no contact whatsoever.

I feel silly but had to say something after a year of this...

Yes, but how busy is she compared to you? I get up in the morning, look after 3 kids (one disabled), work full time (which means every evening as well as I have no after school childcare), usually eat around 9.30 -10pm then go to bed. I really have very little time to contact people (as someone else said I am much better with email).

If the people I care about are in trouble then of course I would find the time to talk to them/see them, but if they're just chuntering along nicely then contact is more sporadic.

Luckily most friends are either as busy as I am or also like keeping in contact by email, but if I had a friend who wanted to catch up by phone a lot I would let them down at this stage of my life (it's one reason why I'll work part time in 2 years rather than full time- which with our family is unsustainable).

You friend may be very very busy. If she's working full time and has 2 young kids then she won't have much time spare.

You could be talking about me here. (you're not btw, as I'm noones GM)

I'd be termed as a 'bad' friend as after work,taking care of the house,spending time with the boys, time with dh, time as a family, any spare time I have I take as 'me' time. Which, as I'm so worn out from all the above,I spend reading, on here, swimming. Only after all that so I think about arranging to meet friends. Also I work shifts, so often when I have time to meet people, it's at strange times that they're not always available.

Luckily the close friends I have fully appreciate this and if I can't make it to birthdays, or if I only have time to say hi then run off, they understand.

You say you're only keeping in touch because she was once a lovely friend. Was this before she maybe had her dc and work commitments?

I think saying to her you really miss seeing her, but understand how much she has on may be the better thing to do, rather than telling her she's fallen short of your expectations of a friend.

I may be wrong, but she may be 'only talking about herself' as she's trying to tell you how much she has happening and that's why she doesn't have enough time to see you.

I'd say let it go.

I just 'let go' a really good friend - posted about it, will see if I can find the link, was really upset, but had to deal with the fact that I always called her, always got a male excuse and it didn't matter how many times I called, she never actually called me back.

I actually feel better having let it go (cancelled her FB friend etc) I just don't see why I should put up with her.

I don't allow 'bad friends'

I deserve more respect than that

and so do you

but I don't think being a GM makes you beholden to do anything special really unless you're religious

a friend who keeps avoiding you and letting you down and not turning up is not a friend

Food for thought.

She lets me down constantly which I have been totally cool about - I always tell her I understand. Then she says - oh we will do this next month - I take her to this and then she just replies oh I can't I am so crazy with all this blah blah and it is starting to sound so throwaway.

She has let DD down on so many occasions now this was the last straw. I was a dick for doing it by text but I couldn't even get through to her phone so just couldn't let it go. Feel really odd about it as I never do this kind of thing, but deep down it had to be said and I am glad I did.

what did you text exactly?

in a nutshell that I don't feel like she makes any effort to see us and I am sad DD has no relationship with her nor me to her girls.

was silly and out of character but honest....

Are these organised arrangements she keeps breaking off or are they promises to make arrangements that never quite get made. If the former I would be pissed off, if the latter I would assume she is busy with good intentions. I've been trying to talk to one of my best friends since September. We both have 3 kids, both work, never seem to coincide. It's just business.

Does she work full time?

Just busyness that should say.

How much WOH does she do compared to you? I've been SAHM, WAHM, PT WOHM and now full time WOHM. I cannot believe how little time I have now.

I used to meet one friend very regularly. A few times a month. She has 4 kids. We both started work at the same time and saw each other about twice last year and barely spoke. It's just a mutual case of both being spread too thin.

Both kinds of arrangements jimjams - EVERY thing we suggest or pin down she can't do or has cancelled for nearly a year now. DD has no idea who she is which I feel is wrong as she never even calls to say hi to her or drop a card in the post - really how long does that take? and I do for her DDs....

hope so dittany I really do, if she backs off I will just have to expalain to DD that I did this and she has no GM. I feel so rotten I am in tears...

she works FT but is not just about the meeting up more about the effort iyswim...

If she works full time she really will have bugger all time. I cannot believe the difference with working full time. I don't have time to do anything. See my above two examples of trying to phone one friend and meet with another. The only friends I stay on contact with by phone and the ones I can ring during tea time (not every friend likes that). Others it's FB or email. I rarely meet friends. Saturdays are taken up with Stagecoach and getting ds1 out. Sundays we go swimming in the morning then one of us does the supermarket run.

In the words of Foster and Allen "Old friends are always the best, new friends you can make every day, da da dum di dum"
In my book friends are for life not just Christmas. I try to catch up with all my old friends every now and again, but sometimes go months even years without seeing them, but my old friends are still the best. She is clearly busy so don't ditch her unless you actually don't like her.
I make an effort to ask about others now as it goes against my nature - I'd talk about myself all day to anyone who'd listen! Maybe you're the only person she has to unburden herself on? Maybe you need to stick your oar in and turn the conversation to yourself next time?

I always consider my best friends to be the ones that even if I only see them once a year nothing changes, and we just pick up where we left off, like we'd seen each other the day before. It doesn't seem to matter if we've been in touch a lot or hardly at all - we just know that we are always there for each other even if we don't see each other, speak or have contact.