I want to "liberate" myself form a so-called friend - can anyone give me some moral support?

[CrushWithEyeliner]

I am so emotional about this, mainly because I chose this person to be DD Godmother and she is just falling so short as both a friend and a GM I just want to let go.

At first I wanted to to know if IWBU but having thought things through my gut instinct is telling me that I would have no respect for myself if I continue with the friendship. She constantly blows me out and has not attended DD birthday or sent a card but gave me a present when she met up with me 2 weeks after, again with a really lame excuse. She is v busy with 2 DD and work but it's not even the meeting up but the lack of a quick call now and then to see how we are - when I speak to her she only talks about HER life and is just really self centered never asks about DD or us in any depth.

It has dawned on me that I am only keeping in contact with her because she was once a lovely friend who I make the error of asking to be a GM. I have just texted her and told her how I feel after the last blow out today. I wasn't rude but honest and I said she wasn't making any effort at all (I couldn't get through on her number or I would have called honestly). I have not heard a response but have been thinking that this may be the last contact I ever have with her.

Has anyone got any advice for me or been through something similar?

I'm kind of with theInvisibleMan here. Since I moved abroad, I've struggled to keep up with friends and family purely because i'm so busy with work and family stuff. The last time we were back home I'd arranged to meet up with friends and couldn't because dd was ill/tired out. I felt awful especially as I was so looking forward to seeing them.

I would always be there for them though practicalities get in the way. Eg my grandmother was in hospital a few weeks back. I have no holiday left and no money. It feels and sounds awful that I have to ask if it is "really serious" so I can make a decision as to whether i HAVE to go or not. It's not simple as just wanting to.

Maybe she's trying to "liberate" herself from you? Could it be (and this is a musing not an accusation) that you're quite demanding/needy/high maintenance for her just at the moment?

Crush, I do really feel for you as it's obvious this has really upset you, and I'm sure if your friend realised how hurt you were she would be really upset too.

I'm just trying to point out that we can never really understand what goes on in other peoples lives.

Btw, one of my best friends lives next door to me. She works shifts too, normally days while I'm nights and vice versa. The last time I saw her was almost a month ago. .

I know. I feel silly for this text it was so not like me.
You just can't force people they have to do it off their own inclination. If it were just about me I would not be bothered, but she has really fallen short of he responsibility to DD and getting to know her and all the promises she has made her and let down. I also do appreciate I may not know all that is going on with her, but not seeing your GD in a year is totally off.

Yes, but do you work full time? It's very different working FT with 2 dc to part time with one dc. I think you have had unrealistic expectations of someone.

You seem to think that as you made her Godmother she needs to take an interest in your child. It might surprise you to know that other peoples children are not remotely interesting.

It sounds as though you have been driving this friendship for some time. Your friend is basically too busy to maintain the level of friendship you would like, especially being your dd's godmother. In fact it sounds as though she has been trying to scale back and you are resisting. Friendships don't run well driven by duty. That's what families are for.

I think you should accept that your friendship is going to be different and looser from now on. Is she you dd's legal guardian (rather than just godmother which has no legal consequences)? If so then definitely change that - no need to be unpleasant just say that you feel your dd's guardian should be someone you see more regularly so that dd is familiar with situation (I had to change dd's guardianship last year).

How much effort do you make with her 2 children?

I work fulltime with 2 young children and i honestly have no spare time, not even to call my friends and catch up properly so i think you are being a bit tough on her.

Talk to her openly about how you feel but i think you need to try and understand what lack of time she must have.

Yes I do trifle. That is what I and many others I know feel about being a Godparent. I take a genuine interest in my Godchild and what he is up to, love to see photos is this so strange?

I make loads of effort with her and her C as I have stated, this means cards, calls to ask how they are, attend b'day parties that kind of thing.

Ac I think you may be right - she is not DD Guardian. I have been driving this relationship for a year now and it is too one sided. It was like this before she had her 2 DC I have been thinking back.
She hasn't responded to my text and I feel that is that. I even said in the text I wanted to talk with her but couldn't get through so sorry for doing this by text. It was more of an oppourtunity to discuss how I felt and she has not responded. I don't blame her, but if she cared that much I feel she would have said something back to me....

I don't think you're being unreasonable in wanting your friend to make an effort for your dd. I think I would also be very annoyed to be blown off for a whole year. IMO she should
keep in contact and ask about your dd every once in a while.

I also feel that I made a bad choice of GM but but my GM is a family member so even more difficult situation I think. It grates on me that she's my ds's GM now. She asked me herself to be his GM so I think she should make more effort to see him.

Let the friendship wind down. Don't worry about her being your daughter's godparent - godparents (nearly) always turn out to be pretty useless and uninvolved. To be honest, you seem to be using the fact that you asked her to be a godparent as a stick to beat her with and this is probably more about your feeling a bit embarrassed that you misjudged the relationship. Move on and, if you want, surround your daughter with people who will show an interest in her.

I had a friend like this, we were close for years but then all of a sudden she became "unavailable", lots of promises from her about meeting up which invariable led to her cancelling out on me. I put up with this for a long time as I considered her one of my best friends but in the end, as Twiglett said, I felt I was worth more than this. When I really needed her, after birth of my dd, she just wasn't there so I gradually let the friendship go, no dramatic scenes, just didn't ring her, text her etc.

No matter how busy anyone is, regardless of how many kids they've got, how busy at work they are etc etc there is ALWAYS time to send a quick, text, email or brief phone call even if its to say "sorry, really busy, but wanted to let you know we will meet up when we can". Friendships are a 2 way thing and like all relationships, need to be worked at.

Thank you Louise - I totally agree. A lot of people on this thread keep saying my expectations are unrealistic because she has 2 children and works FT (from home I may add) and I really don't think they have been. I am not even asking her to meet up all the time, just a 2 min call or text or card to show she is making an effort to keep in contact.
I have thought about this in detail and in one year she has;

blown my DD 1st b day out - called whilst the party was going on to say she was too tired and stressed (she was PG)
Then didn't call or send a card but waited until I almost dragged her out to meet for coffee so I could give her presents for her DD and her, she gave me a gift for DD and said she had spent a lot of money on it
Blown every arrangement we had to meet up altogether either on the day or the day before with a really lame excuse, never asked about DD. This has gone on for a year and I have called her almost every week, sent presents and cards down to her DC by post.

When she cancelled DD birthday again as her Dc were ill I was as always really understanding. However when she said she wasn't going to be free to see DD until next Sept as she was busy with work again that was the last straw.
I feel really stupid for communicating by text, but I had to say something in the moment and she wasn't picking up. Oh well, it's done now and she hasn't got back - I think I can kiss the "friendship" goodbye...

Crush- I do feel for you. Even to this day I feel sad about my "ex" friend and miss her a lot. I think about how good friends we were and everything we'd been through together and it does hurt. However, it comes to a point when its more painful trying to keep the friendship going than to just say goodbye to it. I knew the friendship was over for me when we'd agreed to go out for dinner and I'd spent ages arranging babysitters only for my friend to call if off at the last minute. It was one time to many.

To be honest, like lots of other people, I have a very busy life. Work full time with a long commute, have a dd, have stuff to do at home like everyone else including spending time with dh, other members of my family BUT I always make time for my friends even if its just to meet a friend for a quick coffee. I dont understand some of the things other posters have put on here, about how they dont keep in touch with their friends because they are to busy, how they will ring a friend once a year and expect things to be the same. I think some people have different definitions of what a "friend" is. If I speak to someone irregularly and dont actively want to speak to them/hear from them I might consider then an acquaintance but most certainly not a friend.

I'm not being flippant - but is there any way you could employ a new godmother? I'm not religious so don't have gp for my kids but they each have 4 "spiritual guides" all of whom are lovely but individually pretty useless. I figured that if they each had 4 then if they needed an adult ear to bend at any point, one of them would be available.

As it happens, I no longer really like or respect one of them, and I'm v grateful therefore that I have lots of others.

About the other stuff, I think it's tricky. You sound very conscientious and dutiful - but maybe your friend isn't, or maybe, as others have said, she is just really stretched. Having more than 1 kid and working full time is not a walk in the park.

I think bridge burning is probably a bit overwrought. Could you just change your expectations of her?

"I dont understand some of the things other posters have put on here, about how they dont keep in touch with their friends because they are to busy,"

I could challenge you to find a time when I could meet a friend for a coffee. There isn't any time. 9-3.30 in work, then looking after ds1, then from 5 ds2 and ds3, then get kids to bed, then get back to work, then tea about 9.30pm then bed at 11pm. I can't meet friend with the kids because eldest is severely disabled.

Plus a lot of my good friends live either several hundred miles away in the UK or in different countries. I'm used to keeping up friendships long distance. Email and FB etc work for me. Telephone doesn't nor does meeting.

phanta - I agree with a lot of what you say. I probably should have posted here before I texted her as I feel she may be pssed off with what I said to her and i don't know if she will get in touch with me. She is quite a distant unemotional person anyway and can be quite fake with me which is why things have been going a bit weird with her for a while. So I think me laying out how I feel so blatantly may just be too much for her, although like I said I was not rude just brutally honest but she may have taken it another way.

I have changed my expectations but it won't change that I have done this and maybe it has changed things forever between us. If I call her now it may just be too much, like I am bugging her even more. Shitty situation! JJ I see what you say totally, but she is not in your situation. She works from home and has a live in nanny and from what I gather does make it out and about a fair bit, just not with me.

I think the whole godmother' thing gets out of hand (aside from whether or not she is a bad friend) One of my friends forced me to be her kid's GM, would send me her 'art' and photos of her in expensive frames (wtf???) and go nuts if I didn't get involved in every tedious detail of her life.

As if that wasn't enough of a lesson to her, she tried to get dh to be GF to her next kid. He said no.

I don't do much with her anymore. I have no time or energy to be forced into indulging other people's kids, and neither do i expect anynoe to take an in depth interest in my own kids (apart from nearest and dearest obv.)

A lot of people really don't do small messages/texts just to keep in touch. I certainly don't - and I'm not eager to get them either - it would just annoy me. I have many close, old friends that I see infrequently and we don't keep in touch in this way in between. Not saying that's how it should be but I think this is 'normal' for a lot of people.

True
I've never texted in my life.
Don't know how and shall never learn.

I have not been a such at all moondog. I feel if you can't send a card on your GC birthday why on earth did you accept? (her not you, although I don't feel anyone could be forced into something like this)

well you've told her how you feel. For you it isn't working out how you expected, and people do change and life changes.

If oyu cuold get to talk it through it might rbing you back together more? It sounds liek you have been simmering, and she's prob not as aware of any of it. On the other hand she might have been withdrawing from your relationship over the past year?

I think like you do mp - it is make or break I have been simmering for a while and she is not stupid. I have talked it through with my DH last night and he has pointed out how competative she is with me and how I haven't seen it over the years. I think she has been hiding how she really feels and making out to me she is another way. I will just have to back out now...
thanks agiain to everyone

I think you're over-analysing. I suspect she's like moondog, just busy and not that interested in the nitty gritty of daily life of her godchild. You seem to have entirely different expectations to the role of godparent than her. If she hasn't replied to your text she may just feel she hasn't got the energy to try and meet expectations that she can't.

I text, but never to keep in touch with someone. Usually to remind dh to pick up milk.

One family member who shall remain nameless texts to keep in contact and it drives me potty.