to anyone that has left their abusive husband/partner

[aJam]

Can you please tell me as much as possible about your experience!after how many years/months of abuse did you do it?how did you finally get the courage to leave?how many kids do you have?how was it living at the refuge/hostel,how long did you stay there,did you get lot of support(and from women already there)?did you let your husband see your kids after you left and after how long?what is the arrangement today,how much does you husband/partner see them?what about your emotional state today,have you recovered(even little bit),how long does it take make peace with what happend to your life!please let me know,it is the fear of the unknown that has me(and my two toddlers) staying with my husband.

Are you ok?

not really,but i have to cope,its been like this for 4 years.but i its not getting any better and i think the time is getting closer of me leaving.

Im afraid i dont know about refuges but i do know from legal perspective these men rarely change and its a lot more common than most people think.

It's many years since I left but you're welcome to the information.

I finally left after about 7 years, with a 6 year old and a 7 year old in tow. Took me a long time to decide but eventually did so after the crisis to end all crises, although about a year passed between my final decision and actually moving out. There was no physical abuse during that final year, but plenty of vile behaviour, but I knew I was on the move by then and it simply took that long to get things in place - job, accommodation etc. I didn't go to a refuge but always had the option of going to my parents and I sometimes wonder that I didn't do that sooner. But I was younger then, emotional and very confused.

My H was supposed to see the kids but went on a bender for 6 months - he was too 'distressed' to see them, he said. He did start seeing them again but always on his terms and he let them down frequently. Contact became more and more infrequent, I've never had a penny from him since leaving (and I left because he wouldn't).

I actually left 17 years ago and it all seems like a dream, something that happened to someone else. It wasn't easy, but it was all much healthier and I soon began to build a new life. I've had some really difficult times with my kids - both boys - and much of that has been connected to what they were exposed to when smaller - they witnessed much more than I realised at the time and have had a much harder time reconciling themselves to being the sons of a man capable of extreme selfishness and aggressive behaviour than I have had coming to terms with what happened to me.

Sounds like you know what to do. Do it. Look forward, not back. However fearful you may be of the unknown it will be better than the misery and distress of what is familiar. Maybe not immediately, but much sooner than you think. Be brave, do the right thing.

Hi, I was with a guy who was emotionally abusive and although he never hit me I was always covered in bruises from him. He still to this day wont except how vile his bahaviour was towards me. We had been together about 2 years and as my family and friends got to know him better they hated him more and more. They all kept telling me to leave him becuase he wasn't good for me, and they didnt even know about the abuse. We had ds together and I fell pg again after 3 months. Basicly we had been waiting for a council flat for sometime but it was in my name. We finally got in in january but couldnt move in straight away as it was a state and needed a lot of decorating. It was very sneaky what I did but we got it decorated and then I told him it was over. He had stolen a lot of my money, had a gambling problem and had made me into this fragile thing that was to frightened to talk to her friends anymore or take to long at tesco for fear of the consiquences. So i left him in feb when I was 6 months pregnant, which was frightening. He begged me to take him bk, promised he would change but I couldnt stand being in the relationship any longer so I stood my ground.
He was never abusive to the kids and is actually quite nice to them when he can be bothered. He is supposed to have them once a week but frequently cant have them for rediculous reasons or picks them up late... last time he had been arrested for hitting his new partner!
I have totally forgiven him for what he did because I realised he is the one with the problem not me. I made the right decision to leave him although I have many days where I sit and cry because I still love him and miss him very much. I would not change the past. I have 2 beautiful children and they make all the pain worthwhile. I still get quite upset about everything that happened but I am gradually working my way forward in life, mainly thanks to the support of people on here.

It is hard doing it alone with 2 kids and there will be days when you think what the hell have I done. But think of it this way.... Do you want the abuse to carry on and perhaps get worse? As your children get older they are going to become more aware of it, do you want them to hear the screaming and the fighting and see you scared, frightened and crying. This is what I asked myself. I knew I could give my kids a better life on my own with out their dad controling our everymove.

Im sorry to hear you are stuck in this abbusive relationship. Is there anything we can do to help? where abouts are u in the country?

thank you very much for your stories!im in surrey,i dont think anyone can do anything for me.I am the one that needs to just leave.I havent got any family here,all my friends have gone home.so im quite isolated.my mind is so messed up sometimes,because i havent got anyone to speak to, its hard to cope with it and keep it all in.its soul destroying.reading to your stories,im thinking that my situation is not as bad as yours.my husband provides for us.but then i remember all the things hes done to me.just the other day screaming at me for our 2year old son getting the chair dirty,and telling me that i sit on my arse the whole day and dont give a shit about our home.this is just a small accident,most recent one.there were so many more,worse ones.every time we go out(anywhere)hell shout at me infront of anyone,he doesnt care.i have a knot in my stomach when we are in a supermarket,if i pick up a wrong thing,if the kids play up,anything...He did hit me few times,including beating me up when 5months pg,accusing me of cheating.These days is mostly verbal abuse,and i mean to the extreme.there is no reasoning with this guy,every time i talk back it gets him extra angry,and he offends me so deeply that it kind of blocks my brain and i cant deffend my self.

aJam

I have never been in your situation as an adult, but I am the daughter of a man like your husband. I hope you find the strength to get away soon. Your children, however little, will be affected by his behaviour and the sooner you get them out, the better.

I'm up in Manchester and I know the more experienced mumsnetters will be along soon. But just to say I am here and I am reading this and am wishing you all the strength you need to get away from this man. And when/if you do decide to get away there will be lots of us here ready to send on toys/clothes for your little ones or just to listen to you.

One question - where are your family and would they help you if you asked?

aJam, so sorry to read what you are going through.
One thing I have to raise is why should YOU leave? Where would you go? From what you have said I think that you would have grounds to obtain an Occupation Order and Non-molestation Order (types of injunction) from the Court. If granted, these basically order him to leave the house and not to harass you in anyway. Very extreme I know, but so is you leaving with your child/children and having no where to go. You also have grounds to issue divorce proceedings on the basis of his unreasonable behaviour, also a big step I know but you cannot live like that. You can't constantly be treading on eggshells and looking over your shoulder.
I'm on the Surrey/Sussex border and know a few good family lawyers, some of which do public funding (legal aid) I could recommend someone in Horley or Dorking if you want a recommendation. If you don't work you would almost certainly be eligible for public funding. Also, in Crawley (west sussex) and Redhill (surrey) there are some places that do domestic violence drop in centres. There are several scattered around the counties and if you contact your local CAB or even police station they should be able to give you details. I used to attend these centres which usually run once a week and often they will have a domestic violence police officer, a family lawyer, a health visitor and some other professionals that can give you free advice. You can remain anonymous if you wish. If you need more info, please shout. Good luck to you x

You don't have to leave.

Next time he starts, ring the police. 999. He is dangerous and you need protection.

I was abused (verbally mostly, emotionally and sexually too - then hit as well) from meeting my ex to when DS was 6months old - then I left. I was with him only for 18 months and tbh, that was bad enough. DS was - is - affected even at that small age, so please, please think seriously about leaving or making him leave.

You are welcome to my story too, but as you've had some - not sure if you need any more examples.

Womens' Aid phone number is free - 0808 2000 247 They know everything about everything and having volunteered in a refuge (if you leave), I can tell you that no - it's not perfect, but it is warm and safe. The two most important things for your family right now.

If you need to leave, please follow WA advice and get a safe-bag ready. Leave it at a trusted neighbours or somewhere not in your home if you at all can. There is a list on the site for what you need to take; would you like it?

aJam - I hope you are finding this helpful. I left an abusive relationship and went to a refuge, but this was pre-DD. It was the best thing I did.
If you can, start talking to people who can help you. Women's Aid are brilliant. It is painful because it makes your situation real, but it also validates your feelings and strengthens your resolve. You will leave when you are ready and when you do you will find plenty of support and advice here.

i also left after ten years....with 4 kids in tow. was in a mod hostel as we were forces family. after only 3 weeks on the homeless list....i chose bedfordshire....i was re-housed in a lovely housing association home. whilst in the hostel i made 3 very good,lasting friendships with other women. one has recently moved to my village as we are so close and like family. both of us have moved on,met new partners and new babies. it can,and does, work out....

was in in an abusive ( everyway you can be abused, broken bones included) relationship for 7 years.. the crunch point came when ex directed it at ds's..
I didn't leave I took legal advice and told him to leave letting him know that I had already sort legal help. I told him to leave or I would have him removed and if he started I would cal 999. It was enough to stun him and he left. ds's were 4 months old and 4 years old.

The day he went I felt the world had been lifted off my shoulders.
ten years later having gone through various court orders caffcass reports etc later he does see the dc's every other weekend and school holidays.

best thing that I ever did.. through courts etc.. I was escorted into court room etc.. even tho I represented myself.. but the family courts really looked after me.

lasting effects.. well it never goes away.. you learn to live with it.. am am re married.. to a non violent man.. but he gets away with murder. as I never want to rock the boat due to my past life. But that's me rather than him who needs to get a grip.

It is a hard road.. it will already be effecting your dc's more than you know and the best thing you can do is get help right away.. lots of people who can help you, if you just ask.

asking though does mean admitting that it is going on.. which is very very hard. But I promise it will be okay.

your duty now is to yourself and dc's to make sure they are safe and well.. everything else is just a step.

aJam, I hope my strory will give you hope and help you realise that however scary the future may look, it's infinitely better than staying with an abusive man.

I left my abusive partner when our twins were 4 months old. He put his hands around my throat and threatened to kill me and I walked out to a neighbour's house, leaving the twins in their cots. Then I called the police and had the twins picked up and brought to me.

My X would not let me back in the house for cots, clothes, steriliser, bottles, nothing. I had nowhere to go and thought I was looking at a refuge, as the house we lived in was rented and only his name was on the tenancy agreement. Our neighbour turned out to be a saint in disguise, and I lived with her for 5 months before I got a place of my own.

My point is this: If I can leave with two children in those circumstances, and 2 1/2 years on be happier than I ever believed possible, SO CAN YOU!!!!!

The strange thing is, despite the trauma of that day and the uncertainty of what was going to happen to me and my CD, I instantly felt better than I had done in years leading up to that day. The minute I left I rediscovered my self-respect and control over my own destiny, and everything pretty much fell in place following that.

I won't pretend it was easy to begin with, but you know what? Whatever trials I faced following the split were nothing compared to the helplessness, misery and frustration I felt when I was living with my x.

Good luck to you. I hope you find the strength to just 'do it'. I promise you that it is a decision you won't regret, either for yourself or your DC.

aJam,
I too split from a violent, controlling man. Our split was a bit complicated, and happened very slowly, so details are prob not relevant.

I second what others have said - your current situation is affecting your children far more than your realise. My children have opened up and talked about it to me, only now that ex is off the scene.

get advice from womens aid or a lawyer, to talk you through everything that will happen. the worst place, is the place where you are now, when you fear to make the situation worse, and dont know how its all going to turn out.
good luck xxx.

I have no experience of this and it is so so sad to read of all these experiences. aJam, please start making a plan, and keep a record of everything relevant that happens.

I didn't go to a refuge, I called the police and I had my ex removed after he hit me. Then I followed their advice not to let him back in.

It doesn't get better babe. It will only get worse. I am happier on my own. He still visits the children but if he starts getting stroppy he has to leave. If he won't leave I would call the police and they will come and make him leave.

here is a link to the womensaid website. Ring them and speak to them because they can offer you real and practical help.

Do you have any money? Do you have any way of getting money, joint credit card, bank account, housekeeping money?

Stash some. Don't tell him what you're doing. PAck you and the kids a bag and leave it with someone you trust implicitly. Don't let him get the idea you are leaving or he may get really nasty. Take the kids and your paperwork if you can and pack it but if that would alert him, take at the time you go, if you can.

Talk to womens aid and they will tyell you how to do this and what will happen next.

I had diarrhoea for 18 months before my ex left, which cleared up 3 days later.

Amazing but true.

ajam - I escaped after being with him for five years. At first he was just quite controllng but that escalated to violence and the last year I was with him I was physically scared.

It takes a lot of courage to leave an abusive partner - part of the cycle of abuse involves them convincing you that you cannot manage without them, and that you NEED them. You do not need them and you can manage perfectly well without them.

I had to leave him about four times before I finally meant it, and in the end it was the police who came and put him on a train back to his mum's in Manchester that shocked me into realising how bad things had got (the hands around my throat hadn't told me how bad things were!)

I didn't go to a refuge, he stayed on the other side of the pennines. I still looked over my shoulder for a good few years - even after I moved house and I knew he didn't know where I'd gone. Even now if I see someone who looks like him.

It took me about four years to realise that I didn't love him. I had just convinced myself that I loved him because otherwise, why would I have stayed with him through all of that? The answer to that is that he manipulated me and chipped away at my confidence so I felt I had no option.

My daughter was from a previous relationship and when we discussed contact with her, he said it would be too painful for him to see her and not me so he would rather not. As she wasn't his, it was not too hard a decision to make.

When you are ready to leave him, there will be TONS of support for you. Please try and remember that this situation is not your fault and you are not to blame. He is.

Your children as well as you are better off with a confident, happy mum rather than a scared mum and an abusive dad.

Good luck.
xx

Apologies as I haven't read all of the responses. I wanted to say to Hardplace however that I found what she said to be inspirational and moving.

i hope you find the courage aJam.

I left after 15 months of marriage and we didn't have kids, I stayed at my parents house until I found somewhere to stay with a HA/ Foyer. So I can't really answer your question.

What I can tell you is it was a million times better leaving him than staying, finding my own place in the world where I wasn't scared all the time, where I could have my own friends, go out when I wanted and do whatever I liked, I couldn't have ever imagined before what it would be like I always thought if I stayed and we worked on things it would get better, but it never does.

Ajam, I did it and I have not regretted it. I said to myself that I was going to stop telling my lifestory on MN, but I can't seem to stop,e very time I see a thread like yours I have to respond.

My x was verbally abusive and physically agressive. He disagrees. He was very controlling and very mean and a bully, He doesn't see it though, as 99% of the time I did things his way for an easy life.

For about 3 yrs I was miserable. Every day I was with him I knew I'd leave if I had the money. I put it all down to money. But finally, I just left anyway, with nothing but two children and a rucksack on my back.

I'm not going to say it was easy. But from the second I left I felt almost exhilarated. I knew there was no going back (he'd grabbed me by my hair and dragged me to the ground and punched my eye when he realised I was leaving). I have a roof over my head now, with family, and it's not ideal, but we all manage. The atmosphere I live with now is friendly, warm, supportive. We occassionally bicker about tiny things, but there's no violence, no resentment, no hatred.. My children are so much better off, my elder child had regressed to wetting her knickers before I left her father.

every night I get into bed and thank goodness that i managed to pull the bravery out of the bag to leave that man. I still feel a shiver of gratitude and relief, because I could so easily be living in that parallel universe where I wasn't brave enough to leave. for ages, when I was with him, i thought, ok, i'm just one of the ones who doesn't leave. I felt a bit crap about that but I pushed it back down. and just added it to the backlog of emotions i was pushing back down.

hth

ps, yes it was fear of the unknown partly that made me stay for so long. But i was so crazy to have thought that anything could have been worse!! quite the opposite! virtually anything would have been better!

i had got so used to hiding the abuse from friends and family, but eventually I sort of cracked and couldn't go on hiding it, or acting happy. and i guess soon after that, when the facade of happy family life tumbled down and everybody KNEW i was being abused, there was MORE dignity in leaving than there was in staying. If you know what I mean.

please email me at [email protected]
if you would like to! I see you are in Surrey, that's where I was too. It's a nice place, and hard to leave, but you can't revolve your life around a place. You have to revolve your life around YOU (and your children). You can do this in other places.

Just wanted to wish you luck and also to second the posters who say: don;t leave the house, have him removed from it. Violent men can be removed from the family home and prohibited from returning but they will still be liable to pay towards their DC's upkeep.
Some people might suggest that this is not fair (that a man should pay towards a house he doesn;t live in) but violent men have forfeited the right to live in their family homes.