to anyone that has left their abusive husband/partner

[aJam]

Can you please tell me as much as possible about your experience!after how many years/months of abuse did you do it?how did you finally get the courage to leave?how many kids do you have?how was it living at the refuge/hostel,how long did you stay there,did you get lot of support(and from women already there)?did you let your husband see your kids after you left and after how long?what is the arrangement today,how much does you husband/partner see them?what about your emotional state today,have you recovered(even little bit),how long does it take make peace with what happend to your life!please let me know,it is the fear of the unknown that has me(and my two toddlers) staying with my husband.

after how many years/months of abuse did you do it?
8 years

how did you finally get the courage to leave?
I had a really bad health problem and he refused to take me to hospital.

how many kids do you have?
I had one then.

how was it living at the refuge/hostel,
I got Housing Benefit secretly and then moved straight into a reasonably nice flat once it was sorted.

how long did you stay there,
4 months, then a Housing Association shared ownership place came up which I bought.

did you get lot of support(and from women already there)?
Not really - single and divorced people surrounded me there!

did you let your husband see your kids after you left and after how long?
Yes, because he had never hurt her.

what is the arrangement today,
We barely talk. I quietly hate him, and DD thinks he is a tosser (her word not mine). He has let us down all too often.

how much does you husband/partner see them?
3x a year for lunch

what about your emotional state today,have you recovered(even little bit)
Yes, married to a cracking bloke now.

,how long does it take make peace with what happend to your life!
I will never forgive him for what he did, but nor do I really think about it much these days.

please let me know,it is the fear of the unknown that has me(and my two toddlers) staying with my husband.
Women these days are educated, capable and strong and there are many resources out there that help you make a new life. There are also a lot of really great blokes out there who will treat you better than this. BTW always try to keep working, at least a little bit, and have your own bank account, to assure independence if required.

not so sure about the advice not to leave the house. that is not realistic advice when you're with a violent controlling bully.. people said that to me. I 'should' have had him leave the house.. HA!!!

OP would have to make a formal report to the police, (which is extremely draining emotionally) he would then deny it all. If OP has been carrying on for years and years, she probably has no proof. I was in this situation.

IF the OP is not married to her partner, then she is probably better off just leaving, clean break, becuase if she is homeless the authorities WILL prioritise her and they WILL help her. But if she stays in a house she'll have to leave eventually anyway,,,, it will be harder to gain access to that help.

It really depends on whether you're married or not and whether you can prove violence. I had to walk away with nothing. But it's a small price to pay for my freedom.

DO leave the house if it's easier for you. You cannot fight someone who can't be relied upon to fight fair. Better to ditch the house. There will be other houses but you only get one life.

Absolutely second that colditz. Hanging on to a house in the middle of trying to break free is too much.

It's more important to hang on to your safety and sanity than a house. You can always get another house. Keeping the moral high ground worked well for me, but then I did have a job at the time, I admit.

aJam I hope you find the courage to leave this abusive relationship.

Whether you leave the house with the children, or you get him removed (with the help of the police if necessary), once you take that leap your life will get so much better, and you will find the strength to see it through.

You are worth more. So are your children.

MN is here for you.

I left everything, apart from a few clothes for DS and I, I just took a car boot's worth of stuff and drove away, and you know what, 5 years on, I still know I did the best thing ever. All the stuff that I left behind didn't matter, none of it was as important as protecting my son and myself from a negative environment.

Yes, I did take the car! It was new and very shiny!! I also took my clothes, some groceries and a suitcase full of DD's stuff. But really, I didn't want anything else and didn't need it.

true vbm, I walked away with nothing really, just my children. 18 months on, the only thing I occassionally think of is my old photos.

You can start again OP. I hope you are still there. We are all here for you to bounce your plans off.

I did this too before I left. I posted a thread a 'shall I leave thread?' and a bunch of total strangers motivated me to finally leave and made me believe I could do it.

Do it. Make the leap. Are you around? Please come back to us and tell us what you're thinking right now.

If you want to take a few weeks to formulate a plan (leaving a bag of clothes wiht a close friend or relative is a good idea) or, posting things back to your parents house?

I left with a huge barclaycard bill. My x had everything designed to make it impossible for me to leave. We didn't have a joint account. I had to put things on to a barclaycard, which he would settle monthly. It was in my name. WHen I left, there was about 450 on it and guess what, he didn't settle it/... but 18 months on, I am not so angry.

These things will prove to my children (if I ever need proof) that he was an unreasonable, mean man, and that I had no choice but to leave. He paints an entirely different picture. I am an hysterical fool etc... You can imagine what his family think! But it doesn't bother me the way it used to. You do move on from it. Not overnight mind you, but things that chewed me up this time last year almost make me laugh now.

Violent controlling men are excellent at making out women are hysterical, NewsMonger.

BTW I agree it's a good idea to play the long game and start moving stuff out to a friend's house, or putting it in a storage unit. And maybe Ebaying or doing a bit of agency cleaning or babysitting to raise spare cash as a running away fund if necessary. Even £100 helps.

That's what I did VBM. I decided that's it, I'm going to leave this fucker about March 07, didn't leave 'til June. But those 3 months I was e-baying off everything I owned Practically! (he was incredibly controlling about money). I e-bayed off boots/jeans and some jewellery and my oboe and loads of books) and the money went right into my bank account. I asked the bank NOT to send a statement to my house. I used to buy things in M&S, on the barclaycard and then I'd take them back and get vouchers. I saved them. I got cunning. It was very necessary though. My x still uses money (or lack of money) to try and control me. He gives us nothing.

I also posted some clothes and birth certs and bank statements and so on to my parents house.

A storage unit is a good idea. They can be about £30 a month for a tiny one, and you could safely put all your precious things there.

BUT, on the whole, don't worry about things, that'd be my advice. Get some money in to your account if you can at all though.

Just wanted to say I hope you are ok tonight and to keep using MN it does help.