In-law situation coming up - wwyd? Some advice or strategies to cope please

[Fullhouse78]

Am a name-changing regular but I think dh sometimes reads my posts.

dh and I have a bit of a unique situation coming up in January.

Just a bit of background here: dh and I are from different countries, when we were first married we lived in my home country. dh's older brother decided to come and live with us with his wife and two year old ds. He then gained residency of my country and set up his life there.

DH and I meanwhile moved to the UK and started our own life and now dh's brother, pregnant wife and now 8yo ds want to come to the UK as well. They have had their visa approved and arrive in January.

We live in a VERY small 2 bedroom house which is already crowded with dh, ds and I and I am starting to wake up at night with thoughts of how I am going to cope when they are here.

The good thing is they are really nice people, however the brother lacks motivation and relies a lot on my dh to do things for him.

The trouble is dh comes from a family (and dare I say it, culture) where you do anything for your family and saying no to his brother is not an option.

I just need a plan of action to cope with them being there, thank god I work full time, at least I am out of the house most of the day.

How do I stay sane?? Any suggestions please?

I assume BIL will have a visa which allows him to work? I think the key thing would be to make sure he gets a job, and then help them find a flat/house of their own asap. 6 people in a small 2-bed house is going to be a struggle for any length of time, I'd certainly be making it clear that they are staying temporarily until they get set up themselves, which will of course be as soon as they can!

Can you find them somewhere to live before they arrive, sounds as if you really do not have space to cope with another 3 people plus bump!

Thanks AMum, I think that's it - he has got to find a job, trouble is the motivation thing again and in a big city like London, unless you stand up for yourself you get crapped all over.

I am going to have to do the moving out thing with subtlety though, as I am the youngest sister-in-law I don't get much say in things (again it stems from where dh is from).

That's the thing cali - dh's sister also lives here. She is very wealthy, has a three bedroom house and a car (we don't) and two living rooms, but because of where dh is from, brothers don't stay with sisters.

If we suggest that they stay somewhere else they would be mortally offended and then the whole family would be on dh's back.

Catch-22 I think.

where does your dh suppose they will sleep? can you fit a double plus a single in your spare room? will they pay 'rent'?

We are apparently going to put a single mattress in with the single bed, our ds (2) will sleep with us and their son will sleep downstairs.

They will not pay rent as once again that is not a done thing.

Oh God - feeling a bit depressed over this already.

If dh's brother was just a bit more get-up-and-go iykwim, it would make things so much easier.

Maybe I should try and look on the positive side? Free babysitting? Meals cooked? Clutching at straws anyone?

Just HOW EXACTLY do they think that you are going to manage this?!! My (truly lovely) Brother in Law and his wife, my husband's sis, are having their first baby in Jan and his mother, father and grandmother are coming over from Dec to a few weeks AFTER the baby's born to stay with them in their tiny, tiny, tiny two bed flat. I just don't know a) how they are actually going to manage and b) why she said ok to this!

I am guessing your BIL is Indian (as mine is) and yes you are right it's seen as the done thing in that culture - same with the Irish (which is what I am) to some degree...

Could you prehaps look into housing for them and send them a chatty emails saying "well, I've been looking into your housing in the area and I've found this"...??

You must have the patience of a saint! Good luck x

Sounds grim
Utterly grim.
You need your dh to sort out a plan of action with him.

Won;t be good for anyone if they are just hanging about.
What about the dw? Will she pull her weight?

The trouble is with the current financial climate he may not find a job for ages, can you manage (emmotionally and financially) to carry them for what could be quite a long time?

i wouldn't put up with this...sorry but that's his culture NOT yours...why not break the mold and tell dh that this is not on?

So will the 8yo have to stay up until the adults all go to bed? What about school for him? Antenatal care for the wife? All sounds very tricky.

Do you get on with your sil? - perhaps she feels the same as you?

God thank you for your replies everyone - that is just what I need, a good talking to.

I think I am going to have to form a plan of action with dh over this, the trouble is he is such an optimist and thinks everything will be fine, whereas I am a bit more of a realist.

Yes cfc, my dh is Indian, am glad someone else recognises the whole done thing thing!!

Moondog I like the expression grim, that is exactly how I am feeling at the moment. And the dw will pull her weight - even though she is going to be 20 weeks pregnant - she is really lovely and helped with my pregnancy and afterwards. That is why I feel a bit indebted.

COV yes he might not find a job, that was what kept me awake at 3 in the morning - just when I needed the sleep too, and he is such a quiet, shy sort of man that it is going to be extra hard for him.

Any idea about a plan of action anyone? Keeping in mind cultural sensitivities here?

bozza, yet more of the subjects keeping me awake at night - yes the 8yo will stay up until they go to bed because he does anyway and even though I expressed to my dh that he needs to go to bed a bit earlier than the adults I know it won't happen.

Antenatal care? Who knows? We want to shift next year too, possibly to another area so getting her into our GP's is going to be tricky.

Schools? Ditto.

And ITsjust who knows if the sil feels the same, even if she did she would never tell me I know.

Feel a bit hopeless now tbh, like I should just tune out and let the whole circus begin.

can your dh not see your side? why is his brother more importnat than his wide and child?

Ah, you poor thing. I think you need to have a real chat with you DH and explain to him how this is making you feel. Ensure that he knows you will support his family however ou can, ie looking for jobs, accommodation which is SUITABLE. I know that they will just make do, but you don't have to. Your son shouldn't have to share you room. This is sounding more and more like how people used to live in the Victorian era!

Maybe you can persuade your DH that needs must and it's about time your sil took some of the burden (in the nicest sense). You shouldn't feel indebted, didn't you help them when they moved to your country a while ago?

I can see this getting ugly and you resenting their presence tbh - please don't let it get that far. Also, you'll be surprised at how often Indian wives simply put their foot down to their DHs, you should try it! See how it goes!!

All the best x

Dropdeadfred I can see your point here - but it is the whole 'indebtedness' thing again.

dh's brother did a lot for the family when he was younger, sacrificing his own career etc to help out, whereas dh could do exactly what he liked, and did.

So now my dh feels like he owes it to his brother to try and make a better life for him. I can see his point, but unfortunately I don't think he can see mine.

I think they should stay with dh's sister as she has more room
Surely your dh can't just override your opinion? what will happen when the new baby comes?

Thanks cfc

I think you should speak up, or you will become a seething mass of resentment.

My sister married someone from a different country and very different culture. As with your situation, you were obliged to support less fortunate family members. Bil worked very hard and soon every single member of his large family wanted a piece of the pie, led by his mother. My sister says she was often in tears of rage. It only ended when bil died and my sister told his family that as she was now a widow the bank was closed.

My sister says she wishes she had put her foot down in the early years, as it grew near-on impossible to fend off his relations. She said it was all about paying homage to his culture and little about taking notice of her wishes.

I don't know what will happen compo, when the new baby comes. I don't think anyone has really thought this through. In my home country where they were settled he had a good job, they had a house, and their ds was enrolled in a fantastic school.

I just don't know what's going to happen when that baby comes, I just don't know what to do tbh.

And it would be nice if they stayed with the sister, but they wouldn't feel good there (as you don't stay with your sister), and the sister's dh would get upset and dh's family would all get upset and my dh's family would be upset and the list goes on.

A good thing has happened though, I am forming a plan to talk to my dh, I just have to strike at the right moment I think.

i think it honorable that your dh should help hids brother but not a the cost of ruinng his family's standard of living....help him find a flat to rent and perhaps offer financial assistance if poss..?

But THERE'S NO ROOM. You're not being obstructive and inconsiderate.

Maybe the BIL can stay with you on the couch and his wife and son with your SIL?

Good post fircone.

Especially the seething mass of resentment bit. I was this when they came to stay with us in my home country - I was depressed and physically ill because of it and rarely said a word to my dh about it all.

I don't want to be like this this time. I am just not good at confrontation, dh is so much better with words than I am and I know he will twist it around to me disliking his family.

could you not tell BIL how awful thingsare here and persuade him to reconsider his idea ofmoving here?