In-law situation coming up - wwyd? Some advice or strategies to cope please

[Fullhouse78]

Am a name-changing regular but I think dh sometimes reads my posts.

dh and I have a bit of a unique situation coming up in January.

Just a bit of background here: dh and I are from different countries, when we were first married we lived in my home country. dh's older brother decided to come and live with us with his wife and two year old ds. He then gained residency of my country and set up his life there.

DH and I meanwhile moved to the UK and started our own life and now dh's brother, pregnant wife and now 8yo ds want to come to the UK as well. They have had their visa approved and arrive in January.

We live in a VERY small 2 bedroom house which is already crowded with dh, ds and I and I am starting to wake up at night with thoughts of how I am going to cope when they are here.

The good thing is they are really nice people, however the brother lacks motivation and relies a lot on my dh to do things for him.

The trouble is dh comes from a family (and dare I say it, culture) where you do anything for your family and saying no to his brother is not an option.

I just need a plan of action to cope with them being there, thank god I work full time, at least I am out of the house most of the day.

How do I stay sane?? Any suggestions please?

That's a good idea cfc. I might suggest that.

And you are right, there is literally no room. Our house is just outside of Central London, we live there because dh and I work on opposite sides of the city. So you can imagine firstly how small it is and secondly how much rent it costs us.

We both fortunately have good jobs, but we also pay a bit of mortgage on a house we have in NZ which is rented out, so we don't have too much money left.

And now this.

What a fucking joke. I am beginning to get a bit angry about this now that I am typing it all down, and have made up my mind to talk about it to dh tonight.

Aha!! You rent???

Great - tell him the landlord has said absolutely no lodgers or extr peole allowed to stay....bet it does say that in your contract somewhere!!

ha! Play the landlord card!! Which, by the way, won't be far from the truth. Say you expect him to drop around unannounced and if he sees that the propertyi s literally packed to the rafters he'll have a fit! Which he would, tbh.

I am pleased you're getting cross about this. There will come a time in ALL of our rellies where we have to put our feet down, and this MOST CERTAINLY is one of those times.

Tell your husband, TELL HIM, that you can take your BIL but not all of them - I mean, he surely didn't think you were going to doff your cap and say "yes guv'nor, whatever you say guv'nor" in having your home invaded?

Marriage is give and take. They lived with you in NZ (I presume?) and you put up with that. Help them in any other way you can, but this is not on. I would be gobsmacked if you found anyone, Indian or not, who said that this is appropriate.

Oh yes ddf, however my dh has thought of that, and has told our landlord that his family will be staying for a 'short' time.

I am hoping that when we shift (maybe Feb or March) that no landlord is going to accept two families into a two bedroom house.

Thanks cfc, good post again.

contact the landlord and tell him that you are are going to be overcrowded and that you have no idea how long they could be here for and for your sake could he tell your dh that it is not on....?

Ps - Do let us know how your chat with hubster works out. Good luck and be strong! State your case clearly and suggest that maybe a compromise can be reached but it's not approrpriate to have so many people in one house - you'll all have to head to bed so early so their LO could get some rest...it's just not workable - them's the bones of it!

Thanks everyone for your post, made me feel like I wasn't being unreasonable. I will talk to dh tonight and let you know how it goes...

The exact same thing happened to a friend of mine and I remember tearing my hair out at the thought of her having to appease a culture that is WRONG!! Sorry, but imo it just is. If it isn't your own culture then why pander to it - it's a nonsense.

As an aside, how many loos do you have in the house? Isn't there a law (or a law you could invent) about having more then x amount of people per toilet?

By all means offer them a brief stop-gap, but only on the very firm proviso that they are looking for their own house from day one.

Be strong.

Fullhouse, I do appreciate how you are feeling as I come from a culture that values family very highly and you sometimes end up feeling very put upon by it. I think the pregnancy may be a very good thing as surely they will realise that they need somewhere of their own sooner rather than later and an extra mouth to feed may act as an impetus for your BIL to find a job.

Is there any way they could be persuaded to stay put? I don't know what the economy is like where they are at the moment but here it is in meltdown (as you know) and maybe they could rethink their plans and put the move off for a few years?

Thanks everybody for your posts yesterday, we have had some progress here, so that's a relief.

dh and I didn't have a long talk about it yesterday, I was feeling quite wound up and I am also sick so I thought if I said something to him last night I might say something I regret.

However we did talk about moving - dh said why don't we give the landlord two months notice when we come back from India (mid-Jan) and I piped up and said that it would be a good time for dh's family to move themselves to another house and dh agreed.

I can handle two months, I did a year and a half when they came the other time so two months is not long.

Also dh talked about his brother getting a job with their sister, that made me quite hopeful.

I still intend to have a long chat though, as I said before I just need to pick my moment.

Thanks once again everybody.

Well done, sounds like you have a plan. Just ensure hubby knows for sure that there is an end date for this madness!

A year and a half! I can't believe you feel indebted>?!

All the best x

sounds like a plan...but sorry I can only see that if they haven't anywhere else to live when you move, they will just move with you....?

Fircones post resonates with me. You often feel yiou are bowing down to someone elses culture when they fully ignore yours.

However, by the way - in your husband's cutlure there is no problem staying with the sister. That's bullshit. I'm from a mixed with asian background and I remember very well my uncle and his wife staying at my mum's (his sister) house until he got sorted and that was over 30 years ago. It might be ideal that the guys do all the helping, but actually, it's more than often not the case so don't fall for that one.

Sent them to the sister's house. You will not cope in a small 2 bed with all these people. I had my mil (from overseas) stay univited for 3 bloody months and it was a bloody disaster. I'm still recovering. Small properties cannot be used as a hotel.

However, it's nice your dh wants to help out his family in return for them helping him - that's how it should be. It doesn't sound all that one sided - it's just the help your hd got was when you weren't around.

Rope in his sister - fast.

Why are they coming as a whole family?

Let sil and kids stay with her mother-in-law. (Very much a 'done' thing in India -but she'll kill you for this one!!) and BIL come look for a job. When he finds one, then bring his wife and family over. Stay for a few weeks and look for a house. That way they get to stay with you and it's not forever. You've laid the welcome mat out for his family and help BIL but not quite as insanely.

It isn't sensible anyway at present with the economic scene being the way it is. All my indian friends - even the ones who have jobs - come over first and send for family later when they've found their feet. (I'm indian too...)

(Btw, do they all know there is only 1 loo in the house?) And where are they living/working at present?

Sorry, just saw the NZ bit.