The "where is this relationship going?" conversation

[greeneyedgirl]

I feel that I need to have one of these with my dp, but have never done it before and don't have a clue. We have been together for a year and although the physical spark is still very strong, things have changed slightly.

His work is very busy at the moment and as a result we don't talk or see each other as much as he is just too tired, I totally understand this, although I do find it a little frustrating sometimes.

I know this may not seem much, but the compliments have gone almost completely, and although I am not a needy person, they were nice. I still tell him how gorgeous/what a lovely man he is regulalrly, so part of me wonders if he doesn't find me as attractive as he used to.

Also I can't remember the last time we went out. I am living with my parents at the moment due to being broke from my divorce, so it is always me that has to drive over to him (a 60 mile round trip), which I don't mind, but am just a bit sad that he doesn't make the effort so much these days.

To be honest, I think most of this comes from him being married to a job he hates intensely, so there is possibly a bit of depresssion in the mix too. I really love him and think he is a lovely person, but I am not content to just drift along forever, as I am approaching my mid 30's rapidly! Plus he has yet to meet my dd officially, although that is more my fault.

So, after I have rambled on I finally get to my point, how do I approach 'the' conversation, I don't want to scare him (as I am not looking for marriage or anything)? I suppose, I just want to know if he is still serious about us, or if it's just a convenience for him, which is what I feel at times. I thought this was supposed to get easier as one got older!!

You won't rest easy until you've had the conversation so you might as well just get it over with - and I'm sure you'll get the reassurance you need . Just say what you've said here - what your worries are, how you need to know at this stage, a year on, how committed he actually is and whether he can see any sort of future for you together.

Print out your OP and bring it with you so you don't dry up - your concerns are all valid and reasonable, and he's probably been chugging along assuming you feel as he does, which is that everything is fine.

Obviously if you are a grown-up who has previously been married/independent, you won't want to go on living with your parents for long, especially if you are in a relationship.

Say as much to your boyfriend - say that you either want to move in with him or to call it a day so that you can look for another man who actually wants to build a life with you.

This is perfectly reasonable.

First of all, I think you have to ask yourself where the relationship is going. The relationship doesn't just depend on him.

Does it still work for you? What, if anything do you want to change?

Maybe just start the conversation something like "oh, I wanted to have a chat with you. I feel somethings are maybe a little different now and just wanted to make sure you are still happy with the way that things are going?". To his face, not on the phone.

I think it is realistic to expect him to take 50% of the responsibility of your relationship....don't waste years wondering. Just say it and the conversation will be started and you can talk about everything you have said here. I also don't think that after a year, he should be scared away if you start this conversation. His body language will probably say more than his words and I hope it goes well and lets you know where you stand because we all deserve that

Thanks guys, sorry I took so long to reply. I think all the replies make sense and I do feel that we are coming to "crunch" time really. If I am honest with myself I am not really happy with the relationship, I am not happy with my life in general really, but I am taking steps to remedy that.

I had a sort of crisis in the summer and had to leave a new job, but am now feeling well enough to look for work again. He was very supportive of me, and I am so grateful for that, as I know he is a good person. But, things started going downhill when his job changed and he was sort of demoted, so I know he is still feeling raw from that and I am there for him when he needs to rant about it.

He has offered to buy me an expensive gift for Christmas, but to be honest, I would rather have "him" back. If i text him during the day, just to see how he is, he hardly ever responds anymore, and I just find that a bit upsetting. I think that I would just like a bit more attention from him I suppose, it must be bad because even my parents have noticed that I am the one making all the effort. BTW, if I asked to move in with him he would have a heart attack, so I won't be doing that lol!

It is not a good sign that things would deteriorate this badly within a year. Normally this is the honeymoon period. Maybe he is just not that committed to you, or maybe he is that type of man - either way, do you want to be treated like this? I wouldn't. You deserve better. Have the conversation with him by all means, but I doubt that things will change much for longer than a few months.

Provincial Lady, you've hit the nail on the head, I too would still be expecting to be in the lovey, honeymoon phase and I am pretty gutted actually.

I think he is depressed becuase of his job and the hours (he worked well over 60 the last week) and he just can't cope with anything else.

He is actually a wonderful man and has been there for me, but I don't think there is room in his life for anything except his job. I love him alot and if I decide to end things, I'm going to feel dreadful. My last relationship and my marriage were completely awful, so I am not sure I can face anything else after this.

Very , I thought he might be the one as we have so much in common. C'est la vie I suppose.

Yes, do talk to him. But bear in mind that you may not hear what you want to hear. Quite a lot of people behave like this (nothing specific but making less and less effort) when they are not interested in or committed to a relationship but either don't want to hurt the other person's feelings by sitting them down and saying, 'Look, you;re chucked, OK?' or because they were never that interested and feel that, as no promises of commitment were ever made, they can just drift away and the whole thing will fizzle out.

Also, if you have The Conversation and he assures you that he does want to remain in an exclusive relationship with you, give yourself a time limit for his behaviour to change. Quite a lot of people will say, of course I love you and then carry on doing whatever they were doing that pissed you off because they think that saying what you want to hear will shut you up.
If he doesn't seem to be making an effort, cut your losses (civilly, there is no point in making a big deal out of the fact that he's Not That INto You, you gave it yoru best shot and it didn't work).
But do remember that trying to 'make' someone be your partner is a really bad and stupid thing to do: not only will you make yourself wretchedly miserable but it's actually not very ethical to try to force, con or coax another person into a relationship they do not want.

Thanks Solidgold. At the beginning of the relationship, he did all the pursuing and was very "into" me and this lasted at 6 months or so. It dwindled a little, but not much, I don't think that he necesarrily doen't want to be with me, but he just can't be bothered.

I came back off holiday last week and he couldn't wait to see me, so I drove up to him a few days after getting back and he was so pleased to see me. I know I can't make someone like me and I don't want, I am not that kind of person. I just seems increasingly obvious from the replies I am getting is to quit while I'm ahead so to speak.

We still talk every night, but, for me, the conversations are strained and difficult, because I just don't know what to say, and I certainly don't want to blurt all this out over the phone.

I just need to know, I guess I just need to ask the question "do you still want us to be together?". I won't get to see him until Sat probably, so can I do this over the phone?

I don't think I would. Body language is important.

No, do it face to face. For one thing, if you do it over the phone, he may well say 'Of course I do darling' and then be mysteriously busy for the next few months, if he is the sort of bloke who would do anything to avoid a confrontation...

He won't avoid confrontation, he is very direct with me when he has a problem, which I suppose is good.

Christ, it's going to be really horrible talking to him tonight and tomorrow and pretending everything is fine. Then I will be at his house on Sat, which is going to make things really awkward, because I would prefer to be on neutral territory. He won't go out though as he won't finish work till after 7am.

Yuck!

It's so hard.
My ex was married to his job. Very much so. I, and our daughter couldn't compete. And you can't change them.

If you can live with this and support him, etc, you are a better woman than I.

greeneyedgirl,

can i throw in a slightly different perspective? I hope you won't mind...just maybe it will help.

You've been in a relationship for a year, which is difficult because you live quite far apart, and can only meet at your dp's house. He hasn't met your dd and "if I asked to move in with him he would have a heart attack, so I won't be doing that lol!"

you seem to be making most of the effort, although, to be fair, he does seem to be going along with it.

We can't know his point of view obviously, but what strikes me is that you are approaching your mid thirties - maybe you feel you don't have time to play games/waste on mr wrong? and you have a child who you know needs stability (which she still has - she hasn't met dp yet) - so, if those assumptions are correct, you are presumably not looking for a long term casual relationship?

But you don't sound to be madly in love with dp. you don't sound like you would feel like the world was ending if he bailed out. you don't say he's your soul mate and you just know you are meant to be together. in fact, unless i've missed it, you don't even say you love him.
it doesn't sound like he's the man who is the other half of the jigsaw that is you...the man who you were always destined to meet because when you first saw each other you recognised yourself in the other for no apparent reason.

And that does happen. People who believe it doesn't, believe that because it hasn't happened to them yet.

But even if you don't believe in soulmates and true love...plain old love is a good place to start!

If those assumptions are wrong, and you simply don't want to bare your soul on a public forum, but he is actually the love of your life, please forgive me for reading that into it.

but if you know now, after a year, that he isn't the love of your life, you could get out there and find the real mr right? and not worry too much about where this relationship is going...

just call me ms idealistic!

...

Thanks fourkidsmum, you're right I left out all the love stuff, possibly because I was trying to look at things in a detached way...god knows why I thought I could do that!

I do love him, going through this rough patch makes me realise that I love him alot more than I even realised and the thought of losing him is awful. When we met, we instantly clicked, and apart from a few weeks of holidays with our families, we have spoken every night since. He is very much a believer in fate and soul mates, and maintains that we were meant to meet and be with each other.

We talked again tonight and he seemed fine, but I want to wait until the weekend to to him properly. I have been thinking about this like a teenage girl, when I should be approaching it as a grown woman. So this weekend I am going to take the bull by the horns and ask him just how serious we are, because I do want to take things forward with him. And I want him to meet my dd, I feel whole when we are together. I'm just not very good at pouring my heart out on these forums.

Your advice has given me a new perspective fourkids, thank you very much, I appreciate it, I guess this is what these sites are for lol!

to *talk to him properly...duh!

then that puts a whole new perspective on things!

fwiw these are my updated thoughts...

If you are soul mates you can work it out but being soul mates and best friends doesn't automatically mean things will work out - you both still have to do the right things, because even for the best friends in the world, circumstance can throw a spanner in the works

and long(ish) distance relationships with exes and dcs and living wih parents and the stresses of work and the economic downturn have a lot of spanners! what i mean is, even though "we were meant to meet and be with each other," fate has done her bit and now you both have to shoulder the responsibility for keeping things afloat.

so imho you are doing exactly the right thing - if something starts to slip, you need to address it immediately, before it has a chance to take hold. and maybe he has things he needs to discuss with you... worries and insecurities about commitment and your dd and how you can make this work (in a practical way) with a the distance between you...what you expect from him and what he expects from you...whether you are in a hurry to move in together, whether you both want more dcs...maybe he's nervous about being an immediate stepfather...about the practicalities, the extra strains it puts on a relationship...

don't you think, sometimes one or both parties avoid these conversations because they are worried about the potential outcome? but that fear of a negative outcome, and the avoidance of the subject can actually be what causes the relationship to get to breaking point!

you are soulmates and meant to be together, so you will undoubtedly give each other the respect each other deserves, and safe in that knowledge, you can both be totally honest with each other, which means that you can support one another through the difficulties and hard times...you are a partnership, and respect an honesty are the cornerstones

you may well open a floodgate...and by monday morning be a truly happy woman again having opened up to each other. (and should - which seems unlikely - you find he does not want to move the relationship on, you will be broken hearted but you will have found that out before you involved your dd, whose stability is after all your first priority)

have wine (but not so much that you forget what you are trying to say/ascertain!), music, good food, and the best of luck

Hope it goes well later

Well, I have to report...that I didn't do it. Simply because I have come down with an awful virus, and ended up just concentrating on how yucky I felt when I was with him this weekend.

However, I have decided that I am definitely not happy with the relationship as I feel he would be happy to drift on like this continuously because it's easier than thinking about the future.

The crux of it is, I need to feel that I mean something to him, I need affection from him, which I don't get much of. I have decided to give it a time limit, I have told him I will help him with a personal project of his in Jan; but if things don't get better throughout that time, I am going to admit defeat.

I do intend to have the talk, because we really need to, he is a really nice guy, but he is just so wrapped up in himself and his own problems that he doesn't seem to notice anything else. I think that he just believes I am a sure thing, so he doesn't have to work on us anymore and I am not prepared to accept that.

I am still struggling a little bit with my anxiety (that was my little crisis I mentioned last time), although I feel alot better,but I still need to take things slowly as I don't want a full relapse. I suppose in a way I feel grateful that he didn't dump me when I was in a bad place and gave up work, but I am realising that that doesn't make me a bad person and that I deserve to be happy.

Anyway, sorry about the epic, but thought I'd update.

do do do have the talk!

...it sounds like he might not have worked out that if you take things for granted they can slip away without you noticing

the further they slip, the harder it is to pull things back. You are going to tell him about the end of jan deadline...give him a nudge to sort it out?

good luck

come back if you need more of our oh-so-wise-wisdom! or just someone to tell - doesn't it help just to say stuff, or write stuff down?

Thanks fourkidsmum, it really is helpful writing all this down, de-junks the brain so you can think clearer. My anxiety has reduced my self esteem and confidence to almost zero, so obv that is nothing to do with dp, but still, the way this is going is making me feel worse.

I am not going to tell him about the dead line, however, I am making all the effort at the moment, and I think that needs to change. My sis thinks that I am making the relationship far too cushy for him and suggested that I pull back a little. I am inclined to agree, as it would take the pressure off me and give me space to work on 'myself', and you never know, he might actually appreciate me a bit more. Not sure when I will see him next, but will schedule the talk for then.

I'm trying not to give advice as such

But i think it is important for you to realise and remember that it is perfectly acceptable to ask for things in a relationship. There is nothing wrong with telling him what you need...

"Because we are a long way from each other and don't see each other every day, it is important for me that we engage more on the telephone. i know that men tend not to chat away on the phone, but we have work around the distance. could we try to make the time to do this, do you think?"

"I love you and miss you so very much, and it makes me more able to cope with being apart if you remember to make me feel special when we are apart as well as when we are together."

"I know inside that you think about me every minute of every day, but i need to hear it as well...just a few texts through the day to say good morning, how's it going, goodnight, etc, would really help me to handle being away from you so much."

sorry again...i'm not telling you what to say because its hard to know exactly how you need him to change. what i'm saying is that he's a man. his emotional needs are different, so he may well not know what you need either! and if you don't tell him until you are absolutely stewing - or have decided to end the relationship, he might just think "wtf!! i didn't even know there was a problem - how was i meant to put it right?! i'm not telepathic!!"

i wouldn't pull back because he may just mirror that iyswim. show him how you want to be treated by treating him that way, and tell him because it seems he doesn't realise.

if he does realise and isn't interested, you have time to beat that hasty retreat, but at least you'll have given it every chance.

lol bossy! and i sound like the men are from mars bloke...eeew