The "where is this relationship going?" conversation

[greeneyedgirl]

I feel that I need to have one of these with my dp, but have never done it before and don't have a clue. We have been together for a year and although the physical spark is still very strong, things have changed slightly.

His work is very busy at the moment and as a result we don't talk or see each other as much as he is just too tired, I totally understand this, although I do find it a little frustrating sometimes.

I know this may not seem much, but the compliments have gone almost completely, and although I am not a needy person, they were nice. I still tell him how gorgeous/what a lovely man he is regulalrly, so part of me wonders if he doesn't find me as attractive as he used to.

Also I can't remember the last time we went out. I am living with my parents at the moment due to being broke from my divorce, so it is always me that has to drive over to him (a 60 mile round trip), which I don't mind, but am just a bit sad that he doesn't make the effort so much these days.

To be honest, I think most of this comes from him being married to a job he hates intensely, so there is possibly a bit of depresssion in the mix too. I really love him and think he is a lovely person, but I am not content to just drift along forever, as I am approaching my mid 30's rapidly! Plus he has yet to meet my dd officially, although that is more my fault.

So, after I have rambled on I finally get to my point, how do I approach 'the' conversation, I don't want to scare him (as I am not looking for marriage or anything)? I suppose, I just want to know if he is still serious about us, or if it's just a convenience for him, which is what I feel at times. I thought this was supposed to get easier as one got older!!

We do talk on the phone every day, but it's all very general and sometimes it seems he's only phoning as he thinks he ought to.

When we are together, he doesn't always make me feel special or loved. He used to always compliment me and make me feel like like I was the most beautiful woman on earth (obv realised I'm not lol), always showed that he cared. I miss the affection, that's not to say he never does anything, we hold hands and stuff, but most of the time I feel more of a convenience for him, than a part of his life.

I know I have to say all those things to him, just need to pluck up the courage. Since my marriage broke up I have been so rubbish with relationships, I end up being a doormat because I just want to please, it is pathetic! The thing is that I am conscious that I am not much of a catch, live with parents, broke, small child, looking for work and I wonder if he thinks less of me since I had to give up my last job.

He is a good man and I am sure he would not be happy if he knew how I felt, but equally not sure if he will understand quite what the problem is. I don't want him to think I just want compliments all the time, that's not what it's about at all. I just want to feel he is still as much in love with me as he used to be.

"The thing is that I am conscious that I am not much of a catch"

to a man that loves you, none of that matters. if it does matter, he is not the man for you.

if he is in love with you because he can't help it, because he's your soul mate and you are meant to be together, it won't matter if your eyes suddenly merge into one large one in the middle of your forehead, you grow an extra leg and all your bits suddely seal up so he can't get his husbandly relief. he will still love you, because it isn't out of choice or about how good a catch you are.

remember that a good catch for one person isn't necessarily for the next. you might like them ok, but how many of your friends' dhs would you want to live with/sleep with/snog? probably not many, if any? it's horses for courses...

Lol at the one large eye! I know you are right and to anyone else I would have said the same thing, isn't it funny how you find it so hard to take your own advice?

I love him, I want to be with him and I want to make this work, I think we were meant to meet and I hope that means we are meant to stay together. I just have to figure out how to stop this rot in its tracks.

The only way I can do that is the "where is this relationship going?" conversation as I posted originally. Your advice is spot on Fourkidsmum, thanks for making me able to see things clearer. I spend far too much time thinking and not enough time doing!

big hugs for you

Bugger, just found out that I can't see dp at the weekend as my parents are not available for babysitting. Hope that dp doesn't think I am trying to avoid him or something. I can guarantee he won't offer to come round though!

Shit, lets hope I get an opportunity to even have the conversation.

rather than waiting to see if he offers (or desn't), could you invite him round?

Yes, I will invite him and hope he says he will come. We shall see what the outcome is later.