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Original poster

So what's it REALLY like to be the other woman? My best friend is currently the 'other woman' & I am not sure what to make of it.

46 replies

ChristmasPiggy · 02/12/2008 17:12

My friend is married with a small baby.

Her marriage has been in trouble ever since the baby was born and I have been there for her and listened to her worries & concerns. I always hoped they would work things out.

She says she has fallen out of love with her husband and does not fancy him anymore but she has no answers when I ask how her feelings suddenly changed.

She is now seeing a man who is the husband of another woman we both know (& father to 2 small children) and I just don't know what to think.

On the one hand I think there is no excuse for this.

On the other hand, she is my best friend. I've known her for many years and never thought she would do something like this. She is incredibly depressed about her own life, and this guy makes her happy.

What's it really like to be the 'other woman' in a situation like this?

I can't help thinking that if she was anybody else and not my best friend, I would think she was a cow from hell. But she is my best friend and I've been there to see what has lead up to this.

(She is still with her own husband as well, by the way).

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 02/12/2008 17:21

She may indeed be the cow from hell for cheating on her DH, but only the man involved is doing the dirty on his wife.

Is old fashioned and double standards to blame women for men's cheating. Her own cheating is clearly an issue though.

Best thing for you to do is just to listen etc and try not to get involved if it makes you uneasy, lying on her behalf etc.

She'll have to square up to the reality of her situation sooner or later.

mrsmortenharket · 02/12/2008 17:22

what an awful situation for everyone. i think she needs to be really careful and have a good think about how it could end up ((((((((()))))))))

Lizzylou · 02/12/2008 17:22

Gosh, what a situation.
How awful for you to be in the middle.
It sounds like your friend is depressed and this is clouding her judgement, no excuse I know.

mysterymoniker · 02/12/2008 17:24

I think it is a great idea to have a husband and a lover, as long as they are both happy to pick up their own dry cleaning (or get their wife/lover to do it)

WotsThatSkippy · 02/12/2008 17:25

Sounds like she is depressed. She is going down a really dangerous road, though, and it is bound to end in tears. Hope she sees sense soon.

littleboyblue · 02/12/2008 17:27

What a complicated situation.
When I was single, I was 'the other woman' once to a man with 2 children.
It went on for about 2 years.
I think your friend needs to seriously think what she wants from this. Is it a fling or is she in love with this man? Will they both leave their OH's and possibly dc's to be together?
If it's a quick fling, is it worth either of them risking their family for?
How old are the children because they're not stupid.
Also, no offense to your friend, but if he (and her) are willing to see each other in this situation and pressumably sleep together, how does the other know the other isn't sleeping with anyone else iyswim? That opens a whole new can of worms with potentially STI's flying all over the place.
I think you're place as a friend is to make sure she is aware of all possible outcomes, be as supportive as you can, and I'm sorry to say, be there for her when it all comes crashing down.

stitch · 02/12/2008 17:35

i can understand how your friend feels.
this man is making her happy. her own life isnt.
but she is playing with fire. as her friend, you will need to be around to pickup the pieces.

jujumaman · 02/12/2008 17:47

This man is making your friend happy because it isn't her real life, it's exciting, illicit, full of passion - all the things that get ground down in day to day marriages especially when you have a small baby.

IF she and the other guy left their partners and shacked up together then reality would come crashing down on them. Dealing with the misery of two break ups, the trauma of the children involved, the financial mess, would - except in very few cases - leave everyone involved far, far unhappier than they were to start off with.

I feel for your friend, she's human. These things happen. And I feel for you. Gently encourage her to talk to her partner about how unhappy she is without bringing in the other man and to try to have some form of counselling. If she won't then just sit back and listen and be prepared to mop up a lot of tears.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 02/12/2008 17:48

my good friend was the ow to a man with 2 small kids (she was single) He did leave his wife and they tried hard but there was too much baggage - plus I think he 'used' my friend to escape his unhappy marriage - he promised her marriage and kids but when it came down to it didn't want to commit again. Total mess really - she would not recommend it.

pamelat · 02/12/2008 18:35

Is he her emotional crutch? Maybe he is giving her time to be "her".

Maybe lots of time with you and a few girly nights out could restore her confidence in other ways.

Does she say why she is doing it?

Its unfair to her DH as she has effectively given up on their relationship without telling him.

I would imagine that she isn't really thinking of his wife, afterall she has her own husband to feel guilty about. I don't think that feeling guilty would help her to close this. I think that she actually needs to feel better about herself to bring it to an end.

pamelat · 02/12/2008 18:35

The happy is temporary, it will end in tears.

BitOfFunUnderTheMistletoe · 02/12/2008 18:39

I think it's interesting that we are trying to understand her, when if it was a man we would be sharpening the bollock shears by now! Still, things are never straightforward...If your friend is depressed, she could be creating some drama/sabotaging herself in order to make herself feel something - I know I have done that in the past when suffering from PND. It want cut much ice with her DH though...I think she is going to end up regretting this bigtime. I

PopBitch · 02/12/2008 18:39

Weeeell, I would say it's possible that having a baby has caused a shift in her marriage and that she is using an affair to bolster herself and feel good about herself again.

It won't end well. he won't leave his wife, it won't help her sort out the problems in her marriage and, as you say, she is depressed. Deceipt isn't going to improve that.

PopBitch · 02/12/2008 18:41

Deceit, not deceipt

PopBitch · 02/12/2008 18:42

Oh and I can tell you what it's like to be the other woman:

you can't ever ring them so it's not a proper relationship

you rarely see each other in daylight

you don't do normal couple things, it's all about sex

so in short, it's unsatisfying, tawdry and all round pretty unpleasant.

and that's before your partner or friends find out and disown you.

pamelat · 02/12/2008 18:43

Sometimes the best thing is for your DH/DP to suspect.

smudgie80 · 02/12/2008 22:36

Hi Christmas Piggy

Its absolutely heartbreaking to be the wife of the man who's having the affair (if that makes sense)- I've been there and wouldn't wish the hurt on anyone.

In my case both parties were unhappy - my husband and I, and the other woman and her boyfriend - which is part of the reason why the fling started.

It never ends happily. Leads to children being affected, family being hurt and a lot of pain for everyone. Your friend needs to sort out her own life first and go from there. I know what it is like to be unhappy, but I don't think she is thinking long term.

She could end up causing herself an awful lot of pain - is it really worth it? She needs to think how the children would be affected, too.

I've seen it firsthand.

Sorry

smudgie80 · 02/12/2008 22:38

p.s it's never nice when the poo hits the fan either - the other woman couldn't get away fast enough when I confronted her (after, of course, I'd confronted my husband)

Original poster
ChristmasPiggy · 03/12/2008 13:50

Well - what a difference a day makes!

Turns out she has been caught.

Her husband saw them together (he was probably following her in all honesty).

He has also told the wife of the other guy.

Now EVERYONE knows.

My friend is distraught and I don't know what I can do to help?

Should I even want to help? The bottom line is, even though I hate seeing her in this mess, I think what she's been doing is wrong.

I feel like I can't look the guy's wife in the eye.

OP posts:
PenelopePitstops · 03/12/2008 13:54

CP that was quick

are they all staying together? or is it a big split all round

stick by your friend for support, but tell her you know what she did was very wrong

offers of childcare while it all sorts out might help too

PenelopePitstops · 03/12/2008 13:55

don't let on to anyone else that you knew either

BitOfFunUnderTheMistletoe · 03/12/2008 14:02

There's not much you can do tbh- just listen and try not to say I told you so. I would worry that you are getting sucked into a maelstrom if you make yourself too available though. When it comes down to it, this is for her and her husband to resolve, and if you get too involved it will drain the life out of you, plus anything you say will be ignored if you offer advice- people are funny like that! Hope you are both ok though...

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 03/12/2008 14:04

Does the woman whose husband was cheating with your bf know that YOU know?

Original poster
ChristmasPiggy · 03/12/2008 14:15

I have not spoken to the guy's wife but I think it is probably obvious that I must have known.

To be honest, neither my friend or the guy made much of an effort to keep it quiet. Most of both their friendship groups know all about it.

OP posts:
jujumaman · 03/12/2008 16:17

Well, if everyone knew you won't get the blame

As everyone says listen, don't say I told you so but don't go around justifying her behaviour either (doesnt' sound like you will)

Oh dear

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