So what's it REALLY like to be the other woman? My best friend is currently the 'other woman' & I am not sure what to make of it.

[ChristmasPiggy]

My friend is married with a small baby.

Her marriage has been in trouble ever since the baby was born and I have been there for her and listened to her worries & concerns. I always hoped they would work things out.

She says she has fallen out of love with her husband and does not fancy him anymore but she has no answers when I ask how her feelings suddenly changed.

She is now seeing a man who is the husband of another woman we both know (& father to 2 small children) and I just don't know what to think.

On the one hand I think there is no excuse for this.

On the other hand, she is my best friend. I've known her for many years and never thought she would do something like this. She is incredibly depressed about her own life, and this guy makes her happy.

What's it really like to be the 'other woman' in a situation like this?

I can't help thinking that if she was anybody else and not my best friend, I would think she was a cow from hell. But she is my best friend and I've been there to see what has lead up to this.

(She is still with her own husband as well, by the way).

Your friend is distraught - GOOD I say - any thought for her H or his W - selfish self absorved silly bint - the pair of them

oh dear - so what did the husband do, now he knows

sounds as if she/they wanted to be caught if lots of people knew

i feel sorry for the wife (your friend)

TO PLAY ABOUT ID BAD, BUT TO DO IT WITH A FRIENDS HUSBAND IS THE LOWEST OF THE LOW IMO

Is your friend just upset to have been caught or upset because now she could lose her DH? Will say a lot about her true feelings for him.

Let's be honest, it doesn't matter what we think. She (and probably he) needs this. When people have affairs (I've been on the receiving end and it's not nice, life will never be the same again), it's not about the person they are having the affair with. It's about the way they make them feel. It's entirely selfish. She really should be looking at the reasons why she's doing it, and address them. I guarantee this is happening not because he's such a great guy, but because she needs the attention, the flattery, the excitement, etc. This could be created within the marriage, if she went to counselling. There's a lot to lose. The fallout from this could be horrendous.

The reason married folk have affairs with other marrieds is normally because they only really meet marrieds in a social situation. And that is what they have in common. Sad but true. Seen it a hundred times. Her needs within her marriage aren't being met, and she has gone elsewhere rather than work on the marriage because it's easier and the results are quicker.

I can't condone that.

She needs good advice before she destroys what she may later find to be the one true lovely thing in her life. Grass isn't always greener. Think my ex is finding that out right now...could be too late... oh, who am I kidding? I'd have him back in a heartbeat. But I'll never forgive him for not trying to work on our relationship before having the affair. How will I ever trust again? What do I say to my 3 DCs when they are sobbing in their beds and I'm sobbing in mine? Is her affair really worth that????

I supported my friend when i found out she had been having an affair with a friends husband whose wife was expecting at the time.
It was a nightmare, i did not know for a long time,but his wife kept quizzing me which i thought a little odd, it was only later that i found out that my friend had been using me as a cover up saying she was with me or going shopping with me and she was with him.
Anyway i stood by her. They are now married with a 4 month old baby and i haven't seen her for three years.
I am no longer useful as a coverup, so no longer required.
I was pretty shocked with the hurt that she caused everyone,(i know it was him as well), but she as a nurse has a very caring nature and i didn't think she would be capable of making so many people unhappy, her own partner and two kids, his wife and their daughter and bump. Her family and friends were all duped by her.
She wasn't depressed or lonely, just bored with her life.

Pamelat - my friend is distraught because she is worried the guy who she is having the affair might back off now. Not because she is scared of losing her husband. She has now decided that she is going to leave him regardless of what happens with the affair guy.

Spellcheck - many thanks for a really honest and helpful post. I wholly agree with everything you say. But how can I tell her that? I am holding back because I don't want to lose our friendship over this, but fear that makes me a hypocrite.

The affair guy has now told his wife that he has ended the affair and is willing to give their marriage another go.

However, he is telling my friend that he has no intentions of actually doing this and that he is just keeping the peace at home until after Christmas.

My friend's primary concern now seems to be whether this guy will actually leave his wife after Christmas.

He will only leave his wife if he has to.
My h had an affair and i know several other men who have too.

As you have seen it is a very peculiar emotional state to be in - if your friend were to use her logic she would see it has no future.

Is she prepared to carry on seeing a man who she now knows to be a complete and utter liar (look how he is treating his wife). Your friend may believe him when he says it is to keep the peace - but i am sure it is because at the moment he actually wants BOTH and is not willing to make a choice - and why should he when your friend is willing to share him.
The wife probably wont want to share him and so he and your friend will make her out to be the evil bitch giving him a hard life.

I bet he is begging his wife for another go and making all sorts of promises to his wife that the affair is over........ That may be what he really wants too, but if he can get away with both then he will. Until he is actually forced to choose one way or the other he will carry on.

Your friend is being very naive if she believes his lies - if she wants him then she should insist he leaves his wife and makes a comitment to her - and my money is that he will not leave his wife unless it is his wifes decision.
What he actually wants is for his wife to 'kick' him out so he can be the victim not the criminal.

If your friend carries on now then she is really being selfish and i know there will be those who say that is is the h who is cheating - she will no longer be inocent as she knows she wants to destroy a marriage too. And quite frankly deserves everything she gets.

Actually i hope she gets her heart broken - because that is what she is wishing on his wife and children

She has a choice in all this his poor wife and family do not.

I know he is to blame but she can stop it and do the 'right' thing.

If it really is 'the real thing love' it will easly wait for him to be free to love - there is no hurry.

Also having done a lot of research - married men and woman embark on affairs for very different reasons and just because you friend is in a bad marriage does not mean he is.

People ofter say that 'he must not be getting his needs met at home' but that is because that is the reason a woman would stray.
A man will often not see it in the same way - and i do believe that the sexes view sex differently too.

I have no time for people who sleep with other peoples spouses 'to cheer themselves up'. Sorry They know that the person is married and are just selfish.

I hope the two people that have been cheated on are going to be okay. And the poor children . All that heartache for a thrill and some escapism.

Also, I feel sorry for you as you are in the middle of all this. It's hard.

I'd tell her straight out that you do not approve and will not continue to be her friend whilst she does this.

It is immoral and dishonest.

It drags you down

Oh dear. He clearly is not going to leave his wife.

She clearly may lose her husband, poor bloke. I was hoping that it might make her see that she still loved her own DH but it doesn't look that way.

I feel for all 4 of them really, plus the children. Obviously I have more sympathy (a lot more) for the innocent husband and innocent wife but these things are often more complicated than you may imagine.

She will need you right now x

Silly cow, she has got just what she deserved. Having just been on the receiving end of this kind of behaviour I can tell you she is being entirely selfish. When I confronted the OW who broke up my marriage she broke down in pieces. I dont think she had ever considered that me and the kids were real people whos lives had been devastated by her and my shortly to be exH.

pamelat why do you say he is clearly not going to leave his wife?

He is clearly not going to leave his wife because he has just been handed the perfect chance to do that - if his marriage is really not that good he would have jumped at the chance to get out.

I suspect his marriage is actually pretty good and that is what he wants (your friend has just offered him something more). It is not that anything is lacking in his marriage.

I think if we were all honest wouldnt we all like a bit of extra on the side as long as there were no complications of any kind.

Your friend i am afraid will never have what the wife has - he loves his wife too much to let her go - tell her to face facts, he doesnt even love your friend enough to bother to lie to her that he is sleeping with his wife.

Women are generally more honest with themselves i feel and so we think we would not cheat on someone we loved and therefore men would not either.

He still loves his wife at the moment your friend is just an addiction for him. He will soon come to his senses and the love he is professing to her will probably turn to hate. - Because he and his wife with both blame her for this - just as your friend is probably blaming the wife for holding onto her man.

Message withdrawn

And whether is right or wrong she WILL get blamed for the break-up of the marriage.

We all know that it ends with the ow being blamed - i suspect it is often ow who try to make us all see it is both paties.

She started this knowing how it could end - she may be happy that her marriage has ended but will she be happy when gosips start pointing at her as the one to break up homes.

Like i say it may not be fair but those 'rules' have always been the same and i doubt they will change. The more she protests the more people will lose sympathy.

I say not going to leave his wife because the "easiest" time to do it (which most people opt for) is now.

Excuses such as "after Christmas for the childrens sake" are a load of rubbish , do you think his wife would really put up with that?

Unless he is lying to both of them trying to work out what he fancies doing most, in which case he isn't worth hanging around for (for either of them) x

Are you married Christmaspiggy ? The thing is all women who had anything to do with her will now be thinking " It could have been my husband".

To me it sounds like she has used the affair guy anyway. She used it as a way to end her relationship and dosen't care anyway.

This behaviour is classic of why a high percentage of women have affairs anyway. Men have them bacause they think they can get extra.Happy woman knows a great deal.

Many thanks for all your responses guys.

I fear that what you are all saying is totally true.

I agree that he is unlikely to leave his wife.
However, he is still texting & visiting my friend when he can. He is still telling her that he misses her when they can't be together and that he hates his wife but feels guilty about the kids.

Meanwhile the wife's reaction has been strangely calm. She has been to see my friend to talk about it several times. My friend has told her that she has cut off contact with the guy which is a total lie.

HappyWoman is SO right when she says about my friend and this guy now making out that the guys wife is the one who is the evil one for making his life hell.

Granted she probably is making his life hell now, but how can they not see that this is because of their affair, not the other way around.

My friend's behaviour is getting more and more selfish by the day. She will dump any plans she has made with friends or family in a heartbeat as soon as this guy gets in touch.

The bottom line for me though is that she has not done anything to hurt me and whilst I cannot begin to condone anything she has done, I do not want to lose her friendship. Does that make me a hypocrite?

Could you stay friends with someone who did this, if it really was nothing to do with you or your friendship?

ChristmasPiggy,

of course you should want to help!

she's your friend!

life isn't simple, and it's easy to judge other people. and of course everyone has the right to judge...as long as they have never ever ever done anything wrong in their own life, or anything that has hurt someone else - even by accident, or ever made a stupid mistake that they later regretted, or in the unlikely event that they are absolutely perfect so far, if they can be 100% certain that they will never in the years to come do any of the above.

of course when it's personal...when someone has an affair with your own dp, you might hate them because they hurt you directly, but none of us are perfect, and all of us desrerve help and support when things go wrong.

i accept there are exceptions to this - maybe adolf hitler, general pinochet etc etc, but let's face it we are not talking about an evil dictator here, we are talking about an unhappy woman who has done something which is generally disapproved of, but which millions of women do the world over every day.

keep loving your friend. one day you might make a mistake and need a good friend yourself.

She is still your friend. She may have been a desperate place to do this, that doesnt make it right but no one can always be right.

He is keeping his options open, and she is encouraging that by lying (still) to his wife. I think that your friend now needs to decide

1. She walks away or
2. She is honest with the wife and tells her how she feels and that he is still in touch

She should not lie for him, the wife deserves more.