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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable?

27 replies

emsiewill · 13/03/2003 20:28

Really want your honest opinions here, girls (and boys, too, for that matter).
DH has just come home and told me that he has unexpectedly been awarded a bonus for last year of £3,750 (before tax)- very nice, as you can imagine. But before I can start spending it (in my mind at least), he tells me that last year he promised the rest of his team that he would share any bonus he received with them. (Swears he told me at the time, but I have no memory of this). His argument is that they don't receive any kind of bonus, so he feels it is appropriate to share his bonus with them. He plans to give £1000 of it away in total to 7 people. (£200 each for 3 of them, £100 each for the other 4).
My reaction? I am absolutely fuming. He loves his work, which makes him very fortunate, but he also puts a lot of time and effort into it, sometimes at the expense of his family (same old story, I know). The company has, for whatever reason, decided to only award bonuses to managers at his level, and I think that that reflects the fact that he has the ultimate responsibility, and it is his work, (obviously with the backing of his team) that has led to the sucess of his part of the business, and hence the bonus. He is actually at work for approximately 45 hours per week, but then usually has work to do on his days off, and is constantly making or receiving phone calls from his team when he's not there to advise / help them do their jobs. He also has to go away for about 4 days a month (not much compared with some, I know, but not really part of his job).
Maybe I'm just stingy, but until this money came along, we weren't planning on having a family holiday this year, as we're on a bit of an economy drive at the moment, and now we could do that and pay off some debts with the money. I feel if we had £1000 less of it, then something would have to go, and the debts shout louder than the holiday. It just makes me feel that yet again, work is coming before family.
Things like this have happened to him when he was lower down the ladder, and he just shrugged and said "my turn will come". And now it has, and he wants to give it away. And it's not like he needs to buy the popularity of these people - they all like and respect him already anyway.
I know we always teach our kids to share, but this feels like one step too far for me. I have suggested that he takes them all out for a slap-up meal somewhere nice instead.
Please tell me what you think - am I being a spoilt brat?

OP posts:
musica · 13/03/2003 20:32

Obviously, it's easier for me to say this, as it's not my £1000, but I think I would support my husband if he wanted to do this - if the company has decided to only pay bonuses to managers, it's really good of him to want to help his team out too - perhaps he feels that he has only been awarded the bonus on the merit of the work the team has done.

Look at it this way - it's still £2000 you wouldn't have had, rather than losing £1000. I'm sure he's not trying to buy their popularity - perhaps he feels the system is unfair and is trying to redress it a bit.

sobernow · 13/03/2003 21:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
emsiewill · 13/03/2003 21:44

OK, OK, so it's 2-0 to dh . But can I just point out that it's not the difference between a "slightly better" holiday and a "normal" holiday, it's the difference between holiday or no holiday. Or maybe even the difference between taking the kids to Florida and never having the chance again.
I suppose the thing that's annoyed me most about this is that it feels like yet another time when work has taken precedent over family.

OP posts:
Lindy · 13/03/2003 22:06

Have to agree with musica - your DH sounds a really, nice chap (what a wonderful boss he must be!) - presumably the whole team's effort has enabled your DH to recieve this bonus, so I can understand that he wants to show the others his appreciation.

From what you say my DH also works in a similar environment, very long hours, has to be available at all times - I am very used to him taking & making calls on holiday (his boss even phoned when we were in bed last night!!), lot of travel overseas and the 'team' element of such jobs is very important.

I know it's tough not having the actual dosh - but hope you can console yourself that you have a lovely, generous and warm hearted DH.

naughtynoonoo · 13/03/2003 22:07

I understand what you are saying, but I think you have a great husband and his staff must think he is a great boss, a lot of the time the Chiefs get all the thanks and the indians get nothing, it is a nice thought and gesture of your husbands and shows that he appreciates and respects others as his equal not like his bosses who only reward the chiefs. I think you are very lucky to have such a thoughtful husband, and think of his indians, how happy they must be to receive anything at all.

naughtynoonoo · 13/03/2003 22:08

Lindy - are you telephatic???

Lindy · 13/03/2003 22:12

emsiewell - sorry I got distracted with a phone call so took ages to post that message & missed Sobernow's and your reply.

I think it is tough that jobs do seem to take precedent over family life but I really feel that the job market is very, very tough today (I have worked in recruitment so have some experience in this area) and I know very, very few people who have relatively easy '9-5' jobs with decent holidays & no pressure. I'm not saying that's right but it's just the way life is. Certainly I know my DH would much prefer to spend more time at home with DS but he works hard to enable us to enjoy a good standard of living and provide for our future and I am sure your DH is the same, and has very honourable & good intentions.

Lindy · 13/03/2003 22:14

naughtynoonoo - great minds must think alike! Love your nickname BTW!

sorry to detract from your thread, emieswell.

Tinker · 13/03/2003 22:19

Hmm, afraid I support your husband on this as well. He sounds really generous and considerate and aware that he may not have got this bonus without the work of his team. A lovely dad and husband wins over Florida Best to think of it as was it is, a bonus. Money you wouldn't have had otherwise. Hope you don't wish you hadn't asked!

bossykate · 13/03/2003 22:47

hello emsiewill, i'm with you. i think if your husband wants to reward the team, your idea of a slap up meal out for everyone seems to be a win/win solution.

presumably if he is the team leader he has greater responsibility and pressure, and that is the rationale for receiving a higher reward. i think distributing the bonus off the books would seem like "buying" the respect of the team. he wouldn't distribute his additional salary, would he? or would he?!

i'm the main earner in our house and dh recently got a payrise. i was furious when he said that meant he could give it to charity... it begins at home, sunshine, i thought...

fwiw, and whatever you both decide to you, he sounds like a lovely, generous man!

good luck!

ps - we give quite a lot of money to charity as it is and i think dh sometimes forgets that the bills have to be paid...

WideWebWitch · 13/03/2003 23:17

I think he sounds lovely too. I think I would be slightly annoyed emieswill, since I agree that if you're the boss the buck stops with you and therefore you probably have additional pressure not faced by your team and that's what you're paid for and that's why you're the boss etc...but if he promised it, he promised it. And he doesn't sound like the kind of man to go back on his word, which is a good thing. So what about a compromise on the remaining £2k - half of it pays some of the debts and half goes towards a cheaper holiday?

prufrock · 13/03/2003 23:31

Just me and bk backing you then emmsiewill. his bonus is his - senior management have decided to award it to him, and not to the rest of the team. I think your compromise is perfect, and a memorable night out will actually probably help his team morale more than giving them a cash handout

robinw · 14/03/2003 07:33

message withdrawn

mum2toby · 14/03/2003 08:57

Good on your husband!! Good results are usually the product of teamwork. I know that at my work there is a reward and recognition scheme, but it really gets up my nose that the Team Leaders get financial rewards for the TEAMS results!!

It would be tempting to keep it, but I think he's doing the right thing.

sis · 14/03/2003 10:45

emsiewill, sorry but I'm with WWW on this one - the slap-up meal would have been a great idea if he hadn't already promised them an actual share of the bonus. To be honest, even if your dh had not made the promise to his staff, he may well have made it to himself and I think he probably wants/needs to 'do the right thing by his staff' and that is a rare and commendable thing.

Of course, it is easy for me to say this as I am not the one who is going to have less money at the end of the day.

Tinker · 14/03/2003 10:53

Thought about this some more. Teamworkers are on a lose/lose thing normally - paid less salary and less likely to recieve a bonus if it is perceived that the manager has done all the hard work. Managers are, after all, paid higher salaries precisely because they have more responsibility. To be the only recipients of the bonus seems unfair.

Plus, as already said, the main point is that Mr Emsie promised he'd do this. Good on you, the working world needs more managers like this. We heart Mr Emsiewill

bossykate · 14/03/2003 11:24

i do think it's unfair that only managers get the bonus, the team members should all get something.

but you could argue the same point wrt to the increased salary, i.e. only has it because of the work of the team. would people really recommend giving that increment away to the team as well? that sounds utterly barking to me.

robinw makes a good point, is it £1,000 from pre or post tax income? makes a big difference...

if he made a promise to his team, unfortunately, he may be stuck with it.

men, eh?

Marina · 14/03/2003 12:01

Another one in favour of Mr Emsie, although I know in my heart of hearts I'd also be very cross with dh if he did such a thing. I completely understand your feelings in the matter. Your dh sounds like a rare and excellent manager, Emsiewill, you picked a good'un there.
You say there might never be a chance to go on such a holiday again...I just wondered whether the bonus was an annual, predictable thing, and whether you could save the portion you want to spend on a holiday for next year and then take that trip...

Batters · 14/03/2003 12:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pimpernel · 14/03/2003 13:34

Has your dh got any jobs going?

He sounds like a great manager to have, and it would be difficult for him to renege on a promise. If it's the fact that work is coming first again that's bothering you, could he perhaps do something to put the family first - perhaps taking some time off to do something together?

sml2 · 14/03/2003 13:47

emieswill,
I agree with the others, if he's made the promise then better stick to it and not offer a meal out in exchange.

However, I'd be pretty cross that he'd made the promise. Sure his team did the work - but I bet they don't work 45 hours a week or have stuff to do in their time off. Personally, I value my freedom to go home at 5pm (most of the time), and not take work home with me. Ever. But equally, I don't expect bonuses.

Your dh is being nice to his colleagues, but by giving away some of the money, he's not being nice to you and your children, who have suffered by not having him as much as you otherwise might have. IMO, he should get things in perspective and not make promises like this in future! I understand just why you're annoyed, and I would be as well. Explaining it to him will require huge amounts of tact though I should think!

jasper · 14/03/2003 14:11

Emsie, YOU should get as big chunk of the bonus as it is you who has been keeping the home fires burning while he put in all those extra hours

Jolly decent of him to share it out though.

Jaybee · 14/03/2003 15:32

At least he has been honest with you - he could have just said he has had a bonus of £2,750 and not mentioned the £1000 - you probably would have been quite happy!!

Chinchilla · 14/03/2003 19:17

What a lovely guy, but what a lousy company! Don't they realise that a manager is only as good as his/her team, and vice versa?

Emsiewill, look at it as money that you would not have had, rather than less money than you should have had. I totally understand your POV, as my old co. used to do 'Merit Awards', which similar. My team wanted to put any MAs awarded to any of its individual members in a pot, and share it out equally. I disagreed, as I knew that I would be happy for any individual who had worked hard enough to deserve one. As it happens, I got one!

Melly · 14/03/2003 20:05

Emsiewill, I'm with you on this one and I don't think you are being a spoilt brat at all. Sorry, but sounds like your dh is being very nice and fair to his "team" but maybe he should put his family first? It sounds like he earnt his bonus from what you describe, I just hope that his team genuinely appreciate his actions and don't take him for a mug.

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