Screwed everything up and need to post to get some clarity - any advice appreciated.

[Ruined]

Sorry this is long.

I've been married to DH for 5.6 yrs and we have 3 DCs who are 4.6, 3.6 and 0.6. DH is a lovely, talented man but he has a problem controlling his temper. Over the last 5 years he has done several things - incidents that immediately spring to mind are

Smashing up most of the downstairs of the house because he couldn't find his car keys one morning
Screaming / shouting directly into the DCs and (to a lesser extent) my face many times over the years
Kicking throwing objects because he is in a huff (although often we don't know why)
Smashing up the inside of the car because the dc/s wouldn't stop crying/screaming/whinging etc - many times.
Swearing badly at the DCs with an agressive tone - many times
Shaking and droppng babyDC onto a sofa at 7wo because he wouldn't sit still .

He can go for several weeks or maybe months without acting like this at all but I never leave him alone with the DCs as I do not consider it safe to do so (huge strain on me). When he is not like this he is a kind, loving and caring father and DH. Yes I realise that is a strange thing to say.

He has recently improved but I realised I could not trust him and asked for a trial separation to which he reluctantly agreed then did nothing to make it happen (i.e finding somewhere to move to etc). He has been living in the family home as he has nowhere else to go, it has been decided that the DCs and I should move out (very sad for DCs ) and I have been trying to sort this out.

For months I have been chatting to a man who I considered my friend, I later realised he wanted more. I discouraged him but after DH and I decided to split I gave this man my mobile number. I have been meeting up with him from time to time and have fallen for him (and him for me). Last weekend DH found a text from this man on my mobile and has demanded I stop seeing him or DH and I will divorce under grounds of adultery immediately.

I don't want this to happen, I would like to spent time away from DH, I find it very stressful living with him and it has a big effect on the DCs as I am far more grumpy with them than I would otherwise like to be (no excuse though). I would like DH to get his temper sorted and maybe one day I will be able trust him again and live together as a family once more. DH says we either stick together from now on (i.e as a couple) or we divorce because of this other man. I can see his point, he doesn't want me back 'used' - his phrase not mine. I know what I have done is wrong. It is very out of character for me (I am usually incredibly faithful) but then I am feeling so abandoned - each time I need DH he isn't there for me, even for the slightest things like holding the baby while I call the emergency docs. I have no family or close frineds I can rely on nearby. If anyone feels I am not a monster for meeting up with other man please say so because right now the guilt is making me want to end everything. I really believe my DCs will be better off without me.

Other man is very willing to live with me and the DCs and his DCs too in fact if I move out it looks as though that is what we will have to do (complicated circumstances which I can't explain on here).

What do I do? I love the other man, I love my DH but I cannot live with him and feel safe. If I move out DH says things are over regardless of if I see the other man or not. If I stay here I will just have to shut down permanently I think and pretend everything is OK - DH says he has changed - I don't believe he could have done and I cant trust him anyway. If I go off with the other man I have taken my DCs away from their dad, hurt DH who is my best friend and lost our home. If I stay with DH I will be heartbroken because of the other man who is fantastic with my DCs, kind, gentle and many other things besides.

Please say what you think - this hurts so much nothing anyone else could say would hurt more.

Thanks for reading.

cupcake - 'you don't care enough, not nearly enough. Not enough to want to protect them, not enough to want them to feel safe'. That is utter rubbish, I do care - you do not know me or the situation well enough to make that incredibly harsh judgement.

'Maybe I'm harsh. But, I'm not the one standing by whilst my husband shakes and throws down a 7 week old baby. I think you'd have to be as hard as nails to stand by and allow that to happen.' no neither am I - what a bloody stupid thing to say - he has never physically abused our children before or since. How dare you accuse me of standing by while I let anyone do that to my wonderful son. Since that incident he has not for one minute been left alone with our children do you know how hard that is? No. You don't. In fact you don;t have much experience of any of this by the sounds of it. Yes it is very clear what shoul dbe done - how you go about it is a different matter.

And just to make a VERY IMPORTANT POINT....

SS know yes, as do the police, HV, MW, doctor, the local womens refuge charity and my friends and family so that shows what you know about me or my personal situation. Do you REALLY HONESTLY think I would come on MN or any other internet forum first to discuss what is in fact a minor part of this whole situation without dealing with the major issues first? Of course I wouldn't - what kind of mother od you think I am? Don't jump to conclusions when you actually only have been given VERY few facts. thb I get seriously peed off when people ask on MN about helth issues when in fact they should be phoning a real doctor so what the hell woul dI be doing asking a load of strnagers about this before getting the major issue dealt with.

Come find me if you want - I have absolutely nothing to hide. I just wanted some advice from a wide variety of people on what is a minor part of the whole problem.

Thanks to everyone else.

ruined, if all these professionals know your situation and you have already got to this point, why is he still on the scene? Are you not taking advice you are given?

I appreciate there is no way you can tell the full picture in a few paragraphs, it would take a novel to unravel the nuances of a relationship

but please don't be surprised if you reveal the actions of what sounds like a seriously-fucked-up individual and people get so concerned they feel they have to tell how soooooooo very wrong you are to have this man anywhere near you and your kids

"I would never live with anyone who I couldn't trust not to harm my children." I think cupcake puts it well here. And I agree.

I can't seem to get past the fact that you can't trust him alone with your dc, but you are still residing in the same house and you do not apear to have completely given up on this man

If I couldn't leave somebody alone with children for fear of what might happen, I would not be thinking about trial separations and having any hope for the future together

I would be very far away (or he would)

I am afraid he would also be recovering from two broken legs, but that of course doesn't solve anything so ignore that

errrr no I think you misunderstood - the physical violence is not the minor matter I was discussing (strangely enough ).

Can't see where I said the physical violence just once was fine either .

Fact remains - no matter what you or anyone else says it is just your opinion and you are armed with very few facts. My HV said, never ask about anything serious on a parenting forum - you never know who you are talking to or what their agenda is.

Working in child care and being a parent does not equip you with the experience or knowledge on how to deal with this sort of problem effectively. I do thank you for taking the time to reply but the issues you want me to address are already being addressed by those who I know are qualified and experienced enough to get this to a satisfactory resolution. I just wanted to talk to others who had been through the same thing as me - unfortunately there are quite a few of us out there it seems.

I have to say I agree wholeheartedly with cupcake and I as a rule would never plump so firmly down on any one side on a thread like this

Ruined - in your OP you say: Please say what you think - this hurts so much nothing anyone else could say would hurt more. Cupcake has done just that and no more.

You also say you are asking about a very minor part of your situation and giving very little information. Well then you must expect people to profer their opinions on that basis.

To me in my very black and white little world it IS a no-brainer. Your H HAS abused your children both mentally and physically. How can you possibly still love him??? Why are you still there??? Why is it even a question??? Already you do not leave him alone with the children. To my mind there's no question, you must sever all ties with this man and divorce him as soon as possible.

Ah yes - anyfucker (like your name) - should clarify - because it really isn't clear from my OP - he isn't actually residing here with the children. OP does make it look as though he is as I said he was in the family home - he is but not with us.

Right, off to be a parent now.

Thanks all

I'm confused.

In the family home but "not with you" ??

Do you have an extremely large house? With brick walls imbetween you and him? And locks on the doors?

Because that is the minimum I would accept tbh.

Nice flounce ruined

As cupcake said, a pity you don't seem to get this riled up with your H!

ruined, if you come back I hope you have taken at least some of peoples concerns on board, as they were stated with the safety of you and your dc in mind

Ruined - you should have made it clear you aren't living with him as it definitely looks from your OP that he is still living in your home with you.
What exactly were you asking advice on? The other man? Whether your H could change? Whether you should divorce him or not
Read your post again, I can understand why everyone on here has reacted this way, especially in light of him throwing your 7 week old baby.

I grew up witnessing domestic violence and bullying like Ruined has experienced.

To cupcakeeater et al- if you are upset because you feel that this mother is not prioritising her kids safety, then support her to leave him, do not vilify her. Your outrage is understandable, but unhelpful.

To Ruined- I wish my mum had taken us away from the abusive situation we had to grow up in. I wouldn't have cared if we lived in a cardboard box, so long as we got away from it. I now suffer with a chronic anxiety disorder and depression from surviving such a traumatic childhood growing up constantly waiting for the bully to explode with anger and violence. Protect your kids from this outcome- leave him.

I didn't flounce - I went off to play lego with the kids .

He is in the family home I and the DCs are not - we are elsewhere.

I have all I need from this onen - thank you to everyone who has taken the time to give their opinions. Including Cupcake.

cupcakelover, I thought that women who lived with abusive partners became worn down gradually - sometimes so gradually that they hardly notice it happening - and eventually can't really tell right from wrong; they suffer from a sort of erosion of values/normality/acceptability or something, and obviously the more it goes on the less self-esteem they have, until they almost feel that they deserve whatever happens to them.

I have a fairly close friend whom I met soon after we moved here, she having come here from a Women's Refuge after an appallingly abusive relationship, which involved the whole of her dh's family. She believed for years that it was all her fault and that she was incapable of bringing up her own children, who would be removed from her if she were to even think of doing anything about it.

It takes enormous self-confidence to leave your children's father, something which is generally in fairly short supply when you've been living with an abusive for any length of time.

Or have I got this wrong?

ruined, I am now thoroughly pissed off with you that you let the thread get this far without making it clear he is not living with you and the children

you must have known from the strength of feeling in the responses that your OP had given that impression

now I shall flounce

what a bloody waste of energy.....

I shan't do that again , live and learn eh?

Ruined, I've read all the posts and I'm afraid I sgree with every single one of them. From your OP, it suggests that your dh is still living with you all, as he's not done anything about trying to move out. And from the way you've worded it it does sound like you're all living together.

Please don't feel that you have to change things to appease other people, your situation is your situation and it's one that you're trying to change and you need to keep your strength in order to do that.

I'm not sure if you've been given the right advice, if the police and ss and your hv ect know of your situation, then it shouldn't be too hard to get an order (some one else will be able to tell you what it's called!) for him to leave the home so you can remain there with the dc's. If that's what you want of course, only you can decide if you want a clean break by leaving yourself.

You're doing the right thing for your dc's (and for you) - and it's something that you see through as if you don't then you really will have failed them.

In time after you have left him and forged a new peaceful life for yourself and your dc's, you will really see this situation and his behaviour for what it really is, that he's not just a lovely man who just has a problem controlling his temper.

Good luck xx

ruined, i was in your position once. It took him headbutting and slapping my (then) 3 yo before i could find the courage to leave him. No, I wasnt proud of how bad i had let things get, but i had been beaen for nearly 7 years by then. I couldn't see the wood for the trees. I stood there and thought 'kill me by all means but leave the kids alone'. I left and it was the best thing i ever did!

You are not with him anymore? you have got away, be proud of that. You have got the kids out of an abusive situation, be proud of that.

Work on you and the kids, ime violent men dont change, they just get better at covering their tracks.

Your kids will be fine, they have you, that is what they will remember as they get older. SS and HV will help you all to feel safe and secure.

You will be fine, you have got away, always remember that. Much love and cyber-support to you all.

Mo xxx

ruined.
i don't disagree with what people here have said. but there is absolutly no need for them to be so vile.

it is very easy to sit and spout abotu "i'd never let that happen" because they haven't been in your situation.

Don't ignore what has been advised but please dont take too harshly the more cutting comments.

Cupcake- frankly i hope you are never allowed near anyone with low self esteem or confidence issue's. im glad your life is so peachy you feel the need to judge those who are having a hard time and trying to deal with it.

get away, stay away, and keep talking to whoever (women's aid etc) you are getting support from. As I said earlier in the thread - I'm very concerned that a few months away from him and you'll fall for claims to have changed.

OK, we didn;t get the full information: if you and the DC are not living with him then that's a good start. I would additionally suggest that he is allowed supervised contact only (and in a proper contact centre, so you don't have to deal with him). You would be best off having no dealings with this scumbag at all. And it will be possible to get him thrown out of the house because of his violent behaviour. If you are already receiving help from SS/domestic violence experts etc, please take their advice on getting this man to take as many of the consequences of his disgusting behaviour as possible (ie, press charges, get an injunction against him.)
He's not'lovely'. He's a piece of shit. Write him off. That's the only way to help yourself and your DC recover.

I think Ruined is actually on the verge of leaving and is wondering whether to move in with other man or not...her OP seems to state this many times.

You have to remember that the drip drip effect of abusive relationships means her perspective of what's acceptable or not is skewed. She's a victim in this too.